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New Baby and troubled 12 Year Old. please help.

At the age if 22 me and my fiance took in our nephew who was having trouble in school and behavior thinking he needed a steady household. Three years has past and he is still disrespectful and could careless about school. He has made my home life unbearable. To make things more stressful I am 27 weeks pregnant. I am stressed so bad. And frankly I fear he will set a bad example to our first child. Is it wrong to have him move back with his grandma and dad??
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Avatar universal
I know it sounds harsh but maybe you need stronger punishments make him do push ups or hold his hands out straight dog a hole then full it in. They made us do stuff like that in school and im only 26 so not that long ago. Talk to your local cops truancy is serious now maybe they can scare some sence into him. Your not soulless and know offense but I completely disagree with rockrose. If his dad loved and appreciated so much more then he is getting in your home he wouldn't of needed to come to you on the first place. Do what's right for your family be firm with your fiance. I know you love your nephew but when it comes down to it he is his dads responsibility not yours. Keep your head up.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
RockRose - if anyone on here is souless its you. Im tired of reading nothing but negative posts by you. Clearly you do not read otherwise you would see that having the 12yr old return to his previous home is NOT the answer.

always - first off I feel the overwhelming need to smack your fiance for daring to call you souless. I can understand why you are feeling as you are, I was there with my 5 yr old who has Autism. I got tired of the run around from his Dr and finally took him there and refused to leave until I spoke to her. Unfortunately, if your nephew's behavior is reflected in his Father then going back to his grandma and Father is a bad idea. Have you spoken to his Dr at all? They can help in figuring out what to do so youre not on your own.

I would definitely seek behavior therapy. Medication may be needed to but he needs proper evaluation not just guess work on whether he is ADHD or something else.
Helpful - 0
4724796 tn?1361061158
My son is only five and has a lot of anfry episodes. From experience i know how hard it is because ut seems nithing works. However i find these strategies work but over time. First i dont engage in his anger with my own frustration, i allow myself and him time to cool off then come back and deal with the situation. Second i never or try as hard as possible to stay clear of saying hes bad or anything that may mae him feel like an outcast. Third i ALWAYS make sure he knows when he is doing good how much i appreciate it and i always tell him i love him. Try keeping a positive attitude and over time he should come around. Remember it takes time and love and patience. It cant happen over night. Good luck stay strong and just remember he needs you more then you think.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
He called you soulless? Ouch, that doesn't sound very supportive. Maybe you should call a family meeting, or see if his school has a counselor he can talk to? If nothing is done to help him he will just get worse. My brother was the same way as a preteen and we had a lot of rocky years trying to find a balance to make him calm down. You don't need that stress in your life. Does he have any other male 'father figures' that aren't in your family that he can talk to, maybe he just needs someone to listen to him or a place to vent his frustrations/emotions?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
He doesn't have a grandpa. Just grandma and dad. I tried talking to finance. Apparently I'm soulless. So.. I guess I continue the struggle.
Helpful - 0
4268628 tn?1375041176
I'd he was angry on ADHD pills. There is a reason...its not ADHD. Could he be bipolor? When it comes down to it. As much as you would like to train otherwise. The genes from his folks are there. Example is my brother....we weren't raised around our father...his choice. I'm grateful now. We didn't even visit. Yet here my brother is an adult and has had some similarities that shouldnt have been there due to the way we were raised.  He is just like our father in soo many ways. No matter how much he was disciplined and surrounded by love and stability, his genes have taken over. Can't change that. I hope there is a resolution for you you so and your nephew.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
You're not equipped to handle a 12 year old child who is on the verge of becoming VERY difficult.  

It's wise that you realize that grounding doesn't work,  and taking away things doesn't work.  But in the next breath you say he won't do well without punishment.  As Dr. Phil would say,  how's that working for ya?

It's not.  What he needs is a family structure where he is loved and valued,  and he's not getting that in your household.  

It was incredibly caring and giving of you to try this experiment,  but it's not working.  I'd say send him back to Grandma and Grandpa,  where they at least cherish him.  He's in for a very rocky road no matter what household he's in - a boy of 12 who doesn't care at all about school and is angry is not going to do really well anytime soon.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
And many say it is because he is a preteen. Yet i have been dealing with this since he was 9 and he acted like this over at his grandmas.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I have had conversations with him. Very emotional and heart felt ones. Serious conversations... I have tried so many methods dealing with punshiment. I am at a brick wall. He has been in therapy back when he was taking ADHD meds (which did nothing but make him angry)  and he puts on a act. They saw nothing wrong with him .
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Have you tried sitting him down and asking why he's like that? At 12 years old he should be able to have a conversation about it. Don't sound accusing or rough when you talk to him, maybe take him out for a bite to eat or an ice cream to get him softened up and then say 'so with the new baby on the way I think we need to discuss some things so we can get along better.' Reestablish some ground rules and some punishments for breaking those rules ie, if you don't do homework, the television stays off. If you mouth off you have extra chores to do. If you get in trouble at school you're gonna be writing lines, etc. Let him know that you only want what's best for him, but that you all need to work together and if he can't respect you and your SO you will be thinking about sending him to grandmas. The most important thing is to not be aggressive in the conversation, because at 12 years old his hormones are kicking in and if he senses you are threatening him he will immediately become defiant. Use sentences like 'when you (insert something he does) it makes me feel (insert appropriate emotion here)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
If he is 12 and still acting this way he might need more help than you can give him. Maybe some therapy. Do to the fact my son has special needs I have had him in behavioral therapy off and on since he was 6 so almost 4 years now. Its not easy but it works. I'm not trying to be mean.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
He is stuck. He sees my point of view and he has guilted me into not doing this sooner. He thinks he will turn out bad if he if he goes back due to their lack of punishment. My nephews father has this same attitude and talks to his own mother the way my nephew talks to me. I feel like a big joke. Grounding does not work, taking things away does not work. He acts out more when doing this.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Having so much stress is not good for you or the baby. I think that you need to put the two of you first. Sorry not a lot of help. How does your fiance feel about it?
Helpful - 0

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