Not knowing what to do about my partner :(

[Katefb91]

I'm 25 + 5 weeks pregnant just moved in to a flat with my partner. He's 19 and I'm 22. Tonight I've been woken up to my boyfriend coming home from work stinking of booze and telling me he's been snorting cocaine. I've been trying to stop him spending £80 a time on bags of weed since we have such little money but he just doesn't seem to get it.

During my 20 week scan I was told there were a few problems found with my baby girl and so she will require surgery soon after she's born. I've been trying to not stress about it all but having my boyfriend constantly waist our money on drugs is really starting to get to me. Apart from the drugs he's been amazing... I just don't know how to get him to put an end to it all :( Has anyone else been in a situation like this?

[AnnieBrooke]

I agree that they can change if they want to be a good dad, but it doesn't sound like he wants that as much as he wants the weed.  Also agree that the stress may be why he is doing it, or depression.  But so what, everyone has stress, and he is going to be a parent.  He has to find a way to handle stress that does not involve spending all your ready on drugs and getting stoned (and being stoned).  Is this what he's going to do if the child has a rough time in school, or breaks her leg, or is having problems with her boyfriend, go get stoned?  Not an answer, and he's in the parent position now, not the irresponsible kid position with only himself to think about.  I still urge you to make it difficult for him to keep doing this, to make there be a price he has to pay, or he will just keep doing it.  Is there a counselor he can talk to about depression, and about the adult responsibility he is facing?

[Lozza0412]

Id give him an ultimatum.  Either he quits the drinking and the drugs or he doesnt see his baby or go on the bc. Why on earth would u risk the safety of ur child to be with an idiot like him. I told my fiancé to quit drinking heavily with the lads from work cos he comes in drunk fumbling all over the place almost falling on me. I said to him this does not happen again or I go home!!! He hasn't done it again. Thy can change if they want to be a gd dad.

[Katefb91]

It was an unplanned pregnancy, but we were over the moon none the less. After finding out I was pregnant he was on the right path to stopping, he didnt smoke much back then either. It's only been since finding out the complications with the baby that hes knocked himself off the rails. I didn't force him to quit in the first place Dana, he wanted to do it himself and I also haven't placed my child around him, hence why I wanted to try and sort this before my little girl is born.  I agree Bbm that it's his way of dealing with the stress of it all. Thanks for the input anyway, I needed a place to vent my stress.

[mayraaorozcoo]

What you should do about the money situation is hide the money from him not a lot where hewill notice but you start saving aside little by little. I would do this because my bf would buy weed aaaall the time and I would just give the money to my mom for her to save without him knowing. He needs to change now that the baby is on her way but people don't change unless they really want to and I've learned that the hard way. Try not to stress anymore and just worry about yourself and your baby. Goodluck

[BabyAndBean]

Just thought I'd add that it's scary, but I've seen a lot of success stories and families that pull through. A happy ending is possible if he wants it bad enough. Just remember you can't do the work for him.

[BabyAndBean]

I worked in the addictions treatment field for years, and Annie Brook is right. Your b/f is probably a wonderful person but this disease is going to take him places that he would normally never go to. He needs an ultimatum or treatment or he's outta there. Look online to see if there are any government funded facilities in your area. If not, AA or NA meetings may be able to help. People new to the program are often given the 90 meetings in 90 days challenge. This will help him find a good male sponsor with 5+ years sobriety. You unfortunately can't make him get well, control his behaviour or decision after you give him an ultimatum, so you may need the support of All Anon or even CoDa meetings (Codependents). Goodluck hunnie!

[baby2014]

I went through this for 2 years and nothing changed. Even after an ultimatum! I finally left and found a man that chooses his family over booze and drugs. The best thing you can do his send his rear out the door and tell him he will not be around your child until he has had the necessary help to quit drugs.

[AnnieBrooke]

When someone is addicted, they care more about their addiction than anything else.  I am sorry, but there really isn't any "apart from the drugs."  I don't know what the laws are about child support in your country, but you will have to do some asking and setting it up (with authority, i.e., with a court order), because he is not going to stop spending the money you consider to be for the two of you, on bags of weed.  The nicer you are to him, the fewer penalties he has for spending all your money on weed, the less he will be likely to stop.  You're making it possible for him to keep doing what he is doing by defending his amazingness as you watch him smoke up your resources.