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Avatar universal

step mom issues....

So ill be 25 in july im a mother of one beautiful little boy who turns 3 in july. I do how ever have two step children with my fiance, their mother overdosed on drugs despite having a 4 and 2 year old right in front of her everyday whom are beautiful as well. I love them like they are my own and would do anything to help them grow into wonderful little ppl. They are now 11 and 9. The 9 year old boy and I bond very well the 11 year old how ever is disrespectful ,disobedient, and has a handful of issues. I have been with my fiance for two years now and have been telling him that there are some major problems we need to address with her. Other parents from the school have come to me with the same issues with her bc thier little girls were hanging around her. Ive spoken to my fiance many a time about the issues and can not seam to get threw to him. Other parents are going as far as switch the school their child goes to just to have their child sseparated from her because they are acting like her. If I cant get him to side with me and these other parents and I cant seam to get threw to her or have her respect me enough to listen to me what do I do.???? Please help me I have a child on the way with my fiance in dec. And if it a girl I just cant have her acting the same way as my step daughter! Other parents are telling me to leave the whole situation in general bc it is not a healthy environment for my almost three year old or this baby I have on the way. Please help me this is constantly on my mind day and night!!!!!
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Avatar universal
Thank all you ladies for talking to me and giving me advice I spoke with his father yesterday and she has been staying there last couple nights he yold me they would have a serious talk with her while she was there with them. As far as im concerned she can stay there all summer lol. He also told me he would have a chat with my fiance to see what his issues are bc ive tried telling him ive tried it nicely ive tried it calmly ive tried it with anger ive tried it all. His parents sitting to talk with them about her is my last hope. But like I said he is gunna be pissed. Wish me luck god knows I need it
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Avatar universal
Record her when she is with you alone, maybe that will wake him up.
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8216878 tn?1403882912
I agree...the ultimatum works. Do not ever ask him to choose between you and his child. But let him know your serious and if he doesnt start helping you discipline her then your out. My man and I werenot getting along bc he wasnt looking for a job hard eenough he was jus sitting on his a s s he would apply for jobs every now and then but I was busting my butt we would fight I would tell him to leave it didnt work...well I got pi s s ed off one day packed all his stuff and put it by tg e door...he got two jobs works doubles and went to get his GED he is doing everytging I asked him to do bc he wants this baby.  Goodluck but yall have to be on the same page and discipline is necessary. You need to list what you want to change and change it...no more making hwr something else she eats or goes hungry and her getting something every time he gors to the store is ridiculous. Goodluck again.
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Avatar universal
All of this makes me cry makes me stress and is like the biggest hardest thing by far that I've ever faced. I may not be a perfect mother but I do know that love and instill good qualities in children is the right thing to do here. Even killing her with kindness gets me no where. Its heart breaking. I hope I have a daughter so that atleast I can have one that loves cares and respects me. I long for a mother daughter relation ship bc I never had that with my mother growing up. All I want is a daughter that loves me.
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Avatar universal
I have given ultimatums I have begged and pleeded for him to see it ive told him it will get worse and its not helping her to grow up to be a good woman. The problem is I love them I cant bring myself to leave. I feel like ill abandon them and they would be worse off then. Then two mother gave up on them. He dosent take criticism well and takes it as he is being attacked as a parent. Which he kinda is...but he brought that on himself. My point is I love her to much to give up on her like that but I can't seam to do much to help. Unless he wakes up she will have no hope he has to be the enforcement bc she respects and listens to him not I...but the problem is in his eyes she does no wrong and she just acts out b c im not her mom. Im sorry but if I have other parents coming to me telling me I need to do something for her and I stressed that to you and you think they are crazy bc there kids aren't perfect either your dumb. He is the enabler and is making this all way to hard on me. I work to hard trying to be a parent to children I didnt birth. Atleast the son loves and respect me. Even he tells me she is wrong. How sad is that. Im at a loss if I say she needs conceling he will call me crazy. But she DOES!!!!!! She is sooo messed up in the head bc of what her mother did to her. And yea I think its nice to remember the hood times they shared with her but she chose drugs over two beautiful children....how could any mother that cared for there children do that ??? I could never chose drugs over them and they arent even my blood.
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Avatar universal
Your fiance is the problem,  and his daughter is the one who will pay the price. She was old enough to remember the things her mom was doing, and is obviously hurting. She needs to go to counseling.  You shouldn't just leave, whether you like it or not, you are her mother.  She has already been abandoned by one mother who chose drugs over her. Talk to your fiance and lay down the law, have his parents talk to him.
Helpful - 0
1756475 tn?1330538713
If he won't do family counselling with her, will he at least let her go to see a counselor alone?   She just needs someone that she can talk to most likely.  
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Avatar universal
you know I have similar situation the problem I have is that I have to deal with the mother all the time and my stepdaughter is not bad she just have really bad manners and stuff and cant go out with her cause she does embarrassing stuff but u know what u nd to put ur fiancé straight speak to him and let him know that u are the one dealing with the problem let him see that he nds to do something about or he will lose his family completely trust me he would know that no other woman will deal with the same problems that u dealing with do to that no other woman want to carries his headaches. when I started with my husband and his exwife going back and forth I told him he had to see what could be done or really he had to just live on his own. guess what we still have issue with the lady. but not as much as we used to. good luck I know is not an easy situation but think what u want from the relation and if he doesn't know how to listen to u now and speak with u on this kind of situation he wont be too much of a father when it comes to raising ur kids with him. his other children looks like always will be first. good luck hun wish u the best
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7540649 tn?1395719596
The little girl who lives across the hall from me (12) acts the same way, but you need to think of the context. She lives with her grandmother and mother...she's always very gentle with her mother and aggressive and manipulative with her grandmother. The reason: her mother has mental health issues, for which she is strongly medicated. Every time I see her, she looks stoned and dazed because of the dose of drugs they have her on. Her daughter sees that every day. She watches her mother swim in a half drugged, half depressed state and it upsets her. She internalizes her helplessness and anger, and then let's it manifest on someone who can take it: her grandmother. I have heard her say some really nasty things to the sweet old woman, but I don't blame her for it. The situation she is living in is confusing and she does not have a proper outlet for her emotions. Your step daughter (from the information you've given) is likely going through a similar thing. She is old enough to recognize her own mother's unstable condition and her father's apathy. She lashes out at the one person who might be able to help her because she needs someone to step in and tell her that it's going to be okay. If she behaves well at school, but she has trouble with her social relations...and you have watched her manipulate her father, all of that sounds like the confused attempts to regain a sense of agency in her life. She sees that she can get what she wants if she behaves the way you expect her to, obviously, because she isn't in trouble at school, her friends do what she says, and her father can be won over. If she was heartlessly manipulative, the best plan would be to win you over in the same way. She doesn't sound stupid. So ask yourself why would she lash out at you when it would work better for her to be nice? Why wouldnt she at least pretend to behave around you? Maybe because you care, and you are able to get her the help she needs? She DOES need therapy, and there is no shame in that, but speaking from personal experience: unaddressed childhood trauma comes back to haunt you later in life. Get her help, and try to remember that her outbursts are not because she is BAD but because she is CONFUSED and SCARED.
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Avatar universal
I had issues similar to that. Except it was a boy and father was never on my side but when the boy called cps on us he realized I was right and the boy was screwed up but so was the father lol. Anyways I blame your partner I am pretty sure he knows he is wrong but there is no way why you need to deal with this all by your self. Even tho those children are not yours you have to sacrifice everything as if they were yours and you get nothing but hate in return. Being a step mom is something I would never again do. I would tell him honestly listen if you dont aknowledge there is a problem that you have no choice but leave him. Tell him you dont blame him that just all of you need to work together and you need an outsider with a fresh outlook. He is a man, she is a pre teen and you are hormonal. Let him know that you know she is a child but that you too want to learn how to deal with teens and that you have a lot on your plate and just want to learn how to deal with it.
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7543158 tn?1391978069
You can't fix him. And if he won't do family counseling then I would leave. At one point my husband was doing everything but being a partner to me so I told him counseling or divorce. That woke him up. Give him the ultimatum. Tell him a third party would be able to help and tell you guys where the biggest problem is. Tell him that he either does the counseling with you or you walk. And if he won't do it, start packing. If he doesn't even attempt a session or attempt to stop you in some way that shows love and respect, he's not worth the time and pain that you're putting in to try and keep his family together.
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Avatar universal
He thinks im just attacking her. Thinks his daughter is right and im wrong..."she jus being a kid" no shes not she is being a excuse me but *****. Its unessacarry to treat me that way all I am doing is trying to instill good manners and respect which every child should have. Its not like im beating the crap out of your or curing you telling you your a baf kid. I even tell her its not all her fault no one taught her any better but she knows right from wrong and chooses wrong. He is actling like a friend not a parent. Saying no is good for your kids. I feel like as long as he doesn't have to hear her throw a fit or annoy him he gives her w.e and her friend parents feel the same way. Ive tried to tell her if she dont get her act together she will be losing friends. Nothing changes this kid bc daddy says everything is okay. He told her im the one acting like a child I said how the hell is she going to respect me if you dont. We will argue and he will do it in front of the kids. Growing up that way I know you separate yourself from the kids to fight he just burts out w.e and calls me all kinds of names right in front of the hem he is a major problem here. But how do you fix a 36 year old subborn man and make him see he is wrong??
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Avatar universal
Your partner clearly have no idea how to raise kids and you are absolutely right here... The way he handling things with her she will come bk home pregnant in few years or something coz she thinks she can do wt ever she wants and its ok... Hun you are not failing as a parent its not your fault... You trying your best and will be much easier if your partner could be on your side. Its really bad situation bt really as i see this your partner its the problem here he act let 11 years old act like that, you have no choice here hun bt gt through to him xxx
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Avatar universal
My 13yo half sister is going through similar behavioral issues. She's acting out at home & school. The throws temper tantrums when she doesn't get her way & has been having some severe anger management issues. Most recently, she got caught with alcohol in school & was given a 3 day suspension. The biggest issue is, she refuses to take any responsibility for her actions or to see that bad choices have unpleasant consequences. She thinks nobody in the world could possibly know what she's going through or relate to her-so she shuts herself off from everyone but her friends-who are also having behavioral issues as well. My parents are at a loss with what to do with her-although her mandatory therapy sessions at school seem to be helping somewhat. Its lucky that the school required them to keep her from getting expelled, because she had refused any sort of counselling in the past. It really can help to have a neutral party to vent to who will give unbiased advice. Good luck.
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Avatar universal
Yea thats a big issue. He and I dont see eye to eye on the subject I sat down and cried my eyes oyt about it to him he thinks im just "bitching" he is probably the most immature 36 year old I know. When the other parents came to me about her they told me and not him bc they said he has done nothing so far to change it and im her only hope. But if I cant reach her I feel like im failing as a parent.  I feel like if I just sit back and let his way play out that she will come home pregnant or worse. She starts middle school next year I tried explaining to her its a big vhange and its very different she should tey to watch her attitude towards other girls bc there are alot of fights in middle and high school and that girls dont play those games that she does and they wont deal with it. When I first met her I thought this was really harsh but his parents would say to her..." we love yoy but we HATE the way you chose to act" now I see why they would say that to her. She is spoiled. She is a brat. She is all of the above. I am pretty sure the issue was that when her mother pasted she was spoiled to the point of no return bc she lost her mother. She throws a fit if he goes to the gas station and he doesn't get her something.  She tells him what she wants for dinner even if its a complete diffent meal he makes it. Nothing ive triedhas worked. I tried raffle tickets and prizes for good bbehavior.  I tried punishment for bad behavior.  Ive tried being super nice which in my opinion was a mistake bc everyone else kisses her *** like that so thats why she thinks its acceptable.  Ive tried being the mean one. Im at a complete loss for words and tears guys. Its a bad situation in general. I guess I have to for the babys health just let him take the karma for doing nothing to give her discipline and structure in her life.... what else can I do???
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Avatar universal
Your partner definitely is wrong here... You two should be on the same side if you said no he should say no as well and thats why she has no respect to you coz she knows wot ever you saying her dad gonna take her side. I can only imagine what you going through it must be horrible. Maybe you trying to hard, i would just take step back, u need to focus on your pregnancy right now. Sorry hun i know its easy to say not so easy to do bt i will just try my best to ignore wt ever she dose and let your partner to deal with her... If he dnt believe you what she like... I would record it and show him how she behave. X  
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Avatar universal
You need to have a long talk with your partner. You all should be parenting as a team. All respect here but she sounds like a spoiled bratt. As long as he gives in to her after you have punished her she will continue to disrespect you because hes basically telling her its okay too.
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Avatar universal
See thats another problem she gives other adults respect but comes home and talks and treats us like a pile of poo she stepped in she never get in trouble at school its at home and with other kids she is influenced in the last year
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Avatar universal
She slams doors in my face when I try to talk to her throws stuff everywhere and tells me she hates me while screaming other things if I just try to talk to her about how she is wrong and why....if I punish her by taking her phone or tablet etc I come home from work and she has them bc he gives in to her ****. I just cant take much more. Is it wrong that since ive been trying with her for two years and gotten no where im to the point where im just going to leave her to him to deal with. I feel like its bad parenting but its killi g me to do what I have been for two years its legitimately eating me alive
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Avatar universal
I totally agree with you... Try counseling with her. And no metter what you need to get through to your Fiance, he need to start dealing with her before it gets worst, let him go school maybe some teacher can talk to him so he can realize there some problems with her behaviour. Good luck x  
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Avatar universal
Her younger brother the 9 year old even tells me she is wrong and bad.
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Avatar universal
He wont do consulting he thinks he will screw her up. My issue is that no matter what she does uts fine. She is 11 and if she dont get her way she throws temper tantrums ! Who does that at eleven? ??
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Avatar universal
I want to help but. I don't know. I've never been in this situation. Have u all tried family counseling?  Or Maybe having her talk to someone a counselor or therapist at the school?
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8216878 tn?1403882912
From experience (I had a step sister who was very manipulative) the father will never admit his lil girl has problems and he will always treat her diff. Jus raise your children right. Me and my younger sister were not affected by her but her brother was. Goodluck its a tough situation.
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