Avatar universal

Boyfriend wants to have family day with ex-wife and son

My boyfriend wants to have a family day with just his ex-wife and thier son. Actually it was her idea but he is going along with it. I am not invited and I am feeling very jealous and uposet. Am I over-reacting? We have been seeing each other for 6 months and have recently moved in together. Normally the son who is 2 yrs old comes to stay with us for week-ends.  I see no point in them trying to be a family because they are no longer a family. Am I being unkind?
16 Responses
Avatar universal
He should have a father-son day. There's no reason they should have a "family day" when they're no longer a family. It might give their son false hope that they're getting back together, or because he is so young, just confuse him more about his lifestyle.

Avatar universal
For him to even go along with it doesnt make sense.  Mayb he is not over her.  I also agree with what joy said.

When i broke up with my son father and started dating again, he would always say we need to do things as a family for the sake of the child. Sorry, this is not a perfect world and it will just have to be explained to him why mommy and daddy are not 2gether. My son will be 14 2mrw and understands that he has a dad and a step dad and accepts that.  Personally, iwould invite myself along lol.
191963 tn?1251929996
I think that what this all boils down to is what you and him decide.  If you trust him, and you both are secure in your relationship, there should be nothig wrong with this.  However, if you have any sort of doubts, you should definately discuss them with him before this takes place.  Make sure that he knows how you feel about the situation, and where you stand, and what happens after that you should deal with then.  I know that you mentioned that you guys have been together for 6 months, have they been broken up for a while?  Also, I think that the circumstances on their seperation will kind of weigh in on this as well, because if it was a mutual break up and they parted on good terms, you shouldn't have anything to worry about, however, if she broke up with him and he didn't want to break up, then I would definately be skeptical.  My advise toyou would be not to jump to conclusions too quickly, and assume the worst.  Maybe the child asked for this occasion and they are going along for it because it was his request.  I would sit your man down and tellhim how you feel about it, and let him know your concerns...get the details and them make your decision.  Good luck to you

304970 tn?1331425994
I agree with Joy, they are no longer a "family," so to me, there would be no reason for a family outing. If they had, say... a Dr. appointment for their son, I can totally see them both being present, but not just for the heck of it. I would be uneasy with the idea as well.
461781 tn?1285609481
Gosh, I'm the odd one out here.  I come from divorced parents and eventhough my parents have been divorced for 20 years it is a great feeling for me and my brother when we can all be together as a family talking and sharing.  It doesn't mean anything in their relationship, but they are our parents and they have me and my brother in common.
My parents never have thought of getting back together, even when we were little, but they are mature enough to put their issues aside when it comes to spending time with us because me and my brother is the only great thing that came out of their relationship. I've never thought that my parents would get back together but I appreciate that they have both shown us that they love us equally and shared the parenting responsibility equally.

I think it is important for a child to know that both parents are equally interested and equally love their kids.  You will NEVER stop being a family because you have kids in common, that is an identity issue with children to know where they came from and to know that these two adults are interested in loving and watching this child grow day to day.

A step parent is good etc.  but they will never be or replace the original parent and you will NOT be family to this child, you will be at most a great adult friend.  I think that you should not mind if they spend some time as a family unless as Tara said, there are relationship issues that are unresolved or there is a special interest other than sharing as a family.
@mumita i know this discussion was from some time ago, however i think its great to continue open discussions like this as it really helps people to obtain diverse perspectives on this topic.

I wanted to have a chat about what you mentioned in the last paragraph

"A step parent is good etc.  but they will never be or replace the original parent and you will NOT be family to this child, you will be at most a great adult friend."

I totally agree with a step parent will never replace the orginal parent. However i dont think its fair to assume and generalise "you will NOT be family to this child, you will be at most a great adult friend". As each situation is different,  and its the bond that happens naturally with the new step parent and child. I know this because im currently in a loving healthy realtionship with my partner, and i adore and respect his son.

His 7yr old son, actually pulled me aside and said something from his heart which was just beautiful. He said to me, "You are now part of the family"

My partner and i are not married, and no one told him that i was family, he just felt that with me. His father was gobsmacked when i told him, as well as i was.

My goal has always been to create a great friendship with him,and let things grow naturally without any force. We have bonded so beautifully. And i feel honoured and touched by his words.

So thats why i felt it was important that i shared my experience. The right answer is always with what works for each family individually. And i am family in his eyes and heart, even though im not family by blood, but by choice.

661650 tn?1302282558
I have had a friend who is going through something similar, and this ex cant let go of my friends man, but what is even worse is that, he does in deed go along with it, he does what ever she wants because she has 3 kids with that person. My friend has one son with her ex and never includes her ex with the kid and her. I do not think he should be hanging out with his ex for any reason, other then hi and bye, not because you do not trust them, but it just is not normal and will only get worse, i would set the tune now, because if this is going to be how it is, she will always get away with doing things like this and planning things with out you, and the guys sometimes are too dumb to see that part of his life is over. And his ex needs to see it too, this is just my oppinion, oh and it def confuses the hell out of the kids and def gives them false hope.Good luck, and let me know how it turns out.
661650 tn?1302282558
I don't think this has anything to really do with trust, i think it has to do with confusing the kid. The kid needs to start getting used to being around his new step mom and dad as a couple, if you guys are married. There is again just no reason for it.
Avatar universal
I completely agree with mumita and tara. I'm also in a similar situation where i have a son from a previous relationship. good thing is, my current boyfriend, my ex and his new girlfrend and i all get along. we always do things as a group togeather for the sake of my son. Sometimes they'll have their own plans and sometimes we will. but we support my son as a group! and he loves it. To avoid conflict we dont exclude anyone by saying "your not invited".  I broke up with him, he  didnt want to break up so there were trust issues at first, between my bf and his gf, but we all got over it as time went by. My bf evetually got over it and moved on. I dont think I like the idea of them spending time alone as a family though they do share a son, i dont see why you cant be included.
661650 tn?1302282558
I guess it also depends on the kids age, i think some kids may appreciate when their parents get together, but i think if he or she is too young, they will only wonder why this is not a normal occurance, and there for confusing the child. Consistancy is very important in a kis life, and that is not something that would be consistant. I would have to dissagree alittle bit with Mumita, i have a few fam members some blood and some are not. I do not consider the ones that are not blood, great adult friends, i consider them my family. You can't replace a mom or dad, but certain step parents do such a good job that their step mom or dad become apart of their heart and apart of their real fam.
461781 tn?1285609481
I don;t' think it gives the kids false hope unless there is a parent feeding that thought into their heads.  It is the parents responsibility to make the relationship boundaries clear.
661650 tn?1302282558
I guess it really depends on the parents.
Avatar universal
Wow, I was searching for a forum to express this same question. My situation is similar except i am not married to my boyfriend. However he wants to move in with me and "be common law married " until the real thing.. (thats a whole other issue). We have been together for 4 years and i have not met his now 8 year old son. He tells me that his ex knows about me, but i catch him lying to her on the phone as to where he may be at the time. (ex. he is at dinner with me, but tells her he is doing something else) as to not let her know he is with me. (doesn't sound like she knows about me, ) or its because he is still keeping some type of relationship with her. when i ask why i haven't met his son he says it will confuse him. huh? introduce me as a friend not as your lover..  when his ex calls for him to come see the child they all go to dinner, parks and stays at their house till 11pm or later sometimes , says he is hanging out with his son! now he tells me they are planning an out of town trip for his sons birthday! of course im not invited. I told him that if we move forward in the relationship and he moves in then him and i are tech a partnership family. and i should have the choice of going on some trips especially the overnight ones. and that he needs to make adjsutments in his visitation so that he is not dis-respecting his "new " relationship! i also told him i think he is playing both sides.. he says he doesn't' want to hurt her and so now she calls him saying "we need you"! anyway.. im about done with having this conversation and i refuse to move forward until this is handled. i thought i was wayyy out of line or had abnormal opinions. But after reading all of your informative opinions i now do not think i am out of line! he already told me she was next in line if him and i didnt work out! but that his choice is me! .. now i am confused!
Avatar universal
I think you are looking into it a bit too deeply.
If they wanted to be together then they would be, so the fact he has allowed you to move in with him is a good sign he has moved past the previous relationship and has made a new commitment to you.
It seems they want to keep things amicable for their son, which is very good and sensible of them. As he is 2yrs old, he doesnt quite understand what is going on, so its good for him to see his mum and his dad together and getting on.
The EX could possibly still have feelings for your boyfriend, and thats why she has maybe suggested a family day, but if that comes to light, it is up to your boyfriend to tell her than he wont be coming back to her.
As long as they dont have too many family days together, i dont see it a huge issue. If they have too many then it can confuse the child, so a meeting every now and again to spoil their child and chat about things, i dont think will do too much harm.
Being a mum myself, i would certainly do what is in the best interest of my son, and if that ment spending a day with the ex occasionally, then i would do it too. (im hoping not to have that situation though as i have just married my sons father lol)

Maybe after they have gone out, have a chat with your boyfriend and see what was said etc.

Be supportive, but dont be a mug at the same time.
EG if this becomes a regular thing, then tell him it makes you uncomfortable and you would like to go along the next time.
Or if it is just a rare thing, then just be supportive and remember he is doing it for his sons sake.

If you trust him then you need to put your faith in that :-)

Best of luck
Avatar universal
I would NEVER even if I was on speaking terms with my ex husband and single, invite him over for anything!!! I would allow him to come over to pick his children up, but no extended stays whatsoever! I would invite yourself along to the "family" day and if he argues over it, pack your bags and head out the door!

I think it's BS honestly, and I would have nothing good to say about it.
202436 tn?1326474333
I think it's a little fishy that she wants family day without you.  Not only is it inappropriate but it's confusing to their son.  He needs to understand that he now has TWO families.  One with Mommy and one with Daddy.  It sounds to me like this ex of his has something more up his sleeve.  Have you expressed your feelings about this with your bf?  If not I think you should.  If he doesn't see the validity of your feelings then that would send up red flags to me.  I would tell him that you feel it's inappropriate and that you feel if there is nothing more to this then there should be no problem with you coming along, whether the ex invited you or not.  THEY are NOT a family anymore.  They are two parents who share a child.  
Avatar universal
I agree with you. I am on the same boat. Four years is a long time; some parents wait because they are careful and do not like to introduce a million partners to their kids since relationships fail, but that is sufficient time to get to know that you are not a psycho that you will be an evil person to his child. I think his actions are ridiculous. If he wants to spend time with his child, he can plan a vacation without her. It is up to him,if he takes you, but taking her is wrong. It not only confuses the child since that child will have hopes that there is no separation there, it ruins your time with him. It seems like he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. He wants to be a husband, father, and then he wants you on the side.
People vary in how secure they are. Some people are very secure by nature and feel that if someone wants to be with them they will, and if not, well they don't care and don't want them anyway. If you are of these people and you completely trust the guy, and you are not in the slightest bit bothered by him being buddies with the baby mama, then what he is doing is completely fine.
     Now, 90% of people are simply not that secure even if there are no trust issues whatsoever in the relationship. Even the 10% that are that secure may have trust issues stemming from other things that have happened in the relationship, meaning the guy gave them some reason not to completely trust him. So with that said---
     No, you are most certainly NOT overreacting and this is a completely and totally unreasonable request for him to make of you. If he chooses that he wants to raise his child that way he may also need to choose to be single, because I think when there is a child from a previous relationship, there is always going to be a teensy hint of insecurity built in to any new relationship since he deemed this person important enough at some point to have a child with them (unless he really had no choice in the matter.) It will take a very special kind of person or at least a special kind of situation where they really do all get along for this kind of behavior to be acceptable. Some people are fine with open relationships too, that doesn't mean that you are expected to be.
      You need to tell him that you are not comfortable with this. He can choose to cancel it completely, invite you along, or ignore your feelings and just go anyway. If he cancels it, fine. If he reacts by inviting you, and you prefer not to attend, your should probably drop your guns and let him go as its proof that there is no monkey business. If he ignores your feelings, you need to think long and hard about whether or not you want to be in a relationship with someone who ignores your feelings, regardless of whether or not there is any shadiness going on with the baby mama.
Put your foot down. You are not a doormat. He has a child and a broken relationship from his past that are going to follow him around for the rest of his life and you are not required to give him preferential treatment because of this. These are his problems not yours,  he needs to manage them. He is going to run into this no matter who he dates, you are in no way being unreasonable.

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