advice request - partner expectations (& semi-rant, sorry)

[Rachel__grace_]

So I have a question for you ladies which is applicable during pregnancy (and just life in general)... How do you convince yourself that the small things your partner does/doesn't do really aren't that important and you shouldn't get mad at them for doing it? Right now with all the hormones it's so hard not to be bothered by even the smallest of things.  

Here's my example to better explain my question: My bf & I have been together 5 years (lived together for 3).  So we know each others tendencies pretty dang well and know how to push the other one's buttons lol. So yeah, as dumb as this sounds, I get so frustrated with him because he is always just picking up my drink and drinking out of it (99% of the time is just a glass of ice water). So he'll either drink half of my full glass or if its a small glass or one that's like half or 3\4 empty, he'll just drink it all and leave me sitting there with an empty cup. Drives me nuts. It's especially bugging me right now because I'm pregnant and thirsty ALL the time. Before being pregnant, I would usually only have a glass of water with me to bring to bed. And he just helps himself to it if he didn't remember to grab his own (instead of getting up and going to get one). We've talked about it before and he knows i dont like when he does it, but he still does anyways. My expectation is that he should stop being lazy and go get his own d*mn water lol.  But he sees it as 'we are a couple, we share things, whats mine is yours' type thing. I understand his point of view, but I still think I'm entitled to having just a few things be "my own" (and he should have "his own" too). For example: 1) glasses of water or whatever I'm drinking 2) my pillow because I hate having it all crunched up the way he uses it to watch tv or stick in between his legs for back support and 3) my hand towel on my side of the sink in the bathroom (idk I just don't like people touching something that I use to dry my clean hands with). I know its dumb that I get so bothered over things so minor. It's just rude to me, even though I know he's not intentionally doing them to try to be rude. The point is, i just need some advice on what to tell myself when these things happen so I dont get worked up about it. I usually just go to my default silent mode so I dont say anything snappy, but holding it doesnt help in the long run because I still cant find a way to convince myself its not a big deal and let it go. Can anyone relate to this (if you didn't get bored and leave the post halfway through because it was too long lol) and do you have any good advice on partner expectations and how not to let things get to you?

[RockRose]

I think you should tell him - and not in a snappy way,  but when he drinks your drink you can just say I'm sorry,  I really would rather not drink out of the same glass.  Peacefully give him your glass,  and get another one for yourself.  Almost all adults would understand you don't want someone drinking out of your water glass.

Same thing for scrunching up your pillow between his legs or using your hand towel.  I think almost everyone would understand those preferences.

You're not wrong,  or snappish,  or too picky if you want your own stuff.  My husband and I each have our own stick of butter - I like to leave mine out on the counter so it's nice and soft,  my husband refrigerates everything.  

It's just a preference.  It's ok.

[Rachel__grace_]

Thank you everyone for the advice! It really helps put things into perspective. I realize I'm just a very stubborn person and its hard for me to get over the fact the "he's a guy" and guys are just oblivious and suck at changing lol. I don't get bothered when my kids do this kind of stuff, because they're kids and that's expected. Where in his case, i look at it like "he's a grown *ss man, how can it be so hard to follow simple instructions" lol. I also realize I dont need to take these things personally, its just something engrained in his being. My mom was always the 'head of the household' in ny family so my bf & I butt heads sometimes because I tend to be like her, where he tends to be like his dad (very 1950s 'I'm the man' type outlook). I've never been a good 'housewife' type... although I do all the cooking and cleaning, I still went to college and have a job as an engineer working full time (right now I'm working 72 hours a week on nightshift at the power plant for an outage) so yeah, I can get a little overwhelmed and let little things get to me sometimes. Luckiky we love eachother very much and he knows that even ehen I'm acting crazy, I still love him and everything he does for our family. Again, thank you to everyone who took the time to read my rant and offer their insight!! ❤❤

[Finurligaida]

I can totally relate to this. I have been living with my husband for eight years now and the only thing that really works to understand or get rid off these annoying little things is to talk about them and figure out toghether where your actions come from. Like this: Why do you get annoyd when someone uses your stuff? How come he thinks it's ok to use another persons stuff without replacing it - what does that come from? Was that common in your/his family? How did people in the family react on that and how did you/ him feel about it. Try to have this conversation as a normal minor conversation just to figure it out with him. If you are truly interested in seeking the root of the underlying action then you will solve the problem or at least come to pease with it. It works everytime for us, it was hard to discuss it in the beginning but we have learned and developed over the years ;)

[heather727]

I get two glasses of water, one for me and one for him. If he tries to drink out of mine, I'd remind him that he has his own. Don't get snippy, just be consistent.

As far as the other stuff, if it bothers you, it bothers you, there is nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't make a fight out of it though. Pick a time when you're both calm to talk about it. Explain how you're feeling and what your expectations are of him. And then if he does change his behavior, make sure you notice and appreciate it.

I don't believe any relationship should end over the little stuff, but I also believe that it's the little stuff that make a relationship stronger. Once he sees how happy you are with little changes, it'll reenforce his new behavior.

Fun tip: this will also work REALLY well with children! :)

[brinnyfox]

This made me giggle because my husband and I still have these types of little issues and we have been living together for 8 years. In all I've just learned that he is going to just do what he does if not out of habit then because he is bored and wants to annoy me. Yes men are childish, it's a part of life and I've just learned to work around it.  Though some suggestions to the problems noted: 1.take him pillow shopping, get yourself a nice new pillow and make him pick out his own...maybe if he has to work for it he will use his own, 2. You already know he is gunna steal your water and you are already making a glass for yourself, so it's not much more work to make 2, yeah its a little annoying he can't do it himself but it's a lot less annoying than not having any when you want it, 3. Since you are already going to the bathroom to put a hand towel up for you, just bring 2 and take the extra couple of steps to put 1 up for him too. Yes, I know this make some extra work for you,  but it will make you feel better. Plus I count those types of things along side of doing laundry and cooking.  I'm already doing it so I might as well make sure it's done for him too. It's not like I'm only going to make food for me or only do my own laundry. Lol. Now a days the only thing that irritate me is if the clothes "magically" take themselves out of the hamper and end up on the floor somewhere else in the house.  Drives me crazy.lol good luck hun

[wholivedinashoe]

As soon as he drinks out of it, I'd politely say, refill please. And if he doesn't like getting you refills then he'll stop drinking out of it.

[amanda_expecting333]

Ever thought of doing it back to him to see how he handles it? If you see he has a drink, take a few sips... I dunno... that's what I'd do.

[Lanspains2011]

I don't think this is an issue. Hun, put it this way, what if is not your boyfriend but your child, will you be this mad? Is called tolerance. My daughter always do this to me. Is better you try and get him a bottle of water too. Or just get extra water in case. Try not to fight over this. There are crazier things to happen when you give birth. I  bet you. A glass of water,  towel and pillow will be your least problem. Enjoy your pregnancy and stop getting mad over nothing . Easier said than done but try your best.

[cef1990]

I would speak to him and tell him that it's bothering you more now your pregnant. It sounds like your hormones are playing a big part. Trouble is you said he did these things before you were pregnant so chances are if he's been doing these things for the t years you've been together he doesn't see why it's an issue now. Men don't understand that we have a hormone imbalance when pregnant cause they don't have to go through it. Just explain to him that while your pregnant things are bothering you slightly more than they normally would. He may not even know how annoyed you get. But like the above post said, pick your battles because in a few weeks when. your baby is here you prob won't even remember feeling this way.

[Adolbz]

I had the same problem with the drink thing and I found it a lot easier to just make us both a drink then he would have his own. also towels we have separate towels mines pink his is white. As for the pillow situation I don't know about that maybe buy a few extra pillows so he doesn't need yours. I've learnt to work around my husband to make life easier as men do not change

[ftmapril2015]

My advice... Pick your battles. It's just water or a drink, put some type of fibre powder in there and say it's for pregnancy and hopefully he'll get his own. Or pour him a glass. Life's too short, you have a baby on the way there are going to be far more important things to be discussed than a pillow or a glass of water.

[Rachel__grace_]

See that's the problem, we don't fight about it. I just bite my tongue and dont say anything (because it's pointless to argue about). But I still get upset. It does apparently matter to me subconsciously, for whatever stupid reason, because i can't help getting annoyed. =(

[hothotsauce]

I try to ask myself will this matter in ten minutes? Or ten days? or ten weeks? Mostly the answer is no so then why fight about it.