attitude adjustment

[LangeTime]

This may not even be "medical" at all, as much as psychological... I'm new here.  My wife and I got married 3 years ago, we're 38 (me) and 41 (her).  First marriage for us both (spent too long working on careers...), no kids either side.

We both want kids - at least, I sure do, I think she does too.  She's gone back to school to finish up her Ph.D. so she can teach more classes.  (Both in education.)  Huge stress level for her, I really do see that it makes a lot more sense to wait until next summer before we really start TTC again.  But.....

Next summer we'll be 39 and 42.  We've already had one miscarriage (October 13, 2013), we know the odds of a repeat go up every year, so do the odds of a child with special needs.  (She's a special education teacher, she's seen the effects on families.)  

So - question time - my head understands all this, how do I make my heart follow its lead?  'Cause some nights I just lay awake in bed wondering how I signed up to be "daddy" to her dissertation instead of a child...

[BaneSprout1]

To me this sounds a little like you want kids and she either doesn't or feels ambivalent. Her job situation is a reason, a good one, not to go for it but the bottom line is when you know you want kids at this age you go for it. I got pregnant within 2 weeks of starting a new job managing a department of 26 people. My first management job. In an area that is brand new to me. I have scarce leave and I'm not eligible for FMLA job protection yet. Plus we had just moved and I am the main support for my mentally ill mom who I just moved to my state and who quickly developed a health issue that ended up being an aggressive form of cancer. Which occurred on the heels of my fiance's cancer scare last summer. And also? He was still on the midst of his 5-year long divorce. Yes really that long. Given all that we decided to try to conceive anyway and, how wonderful, we did and quickly. I'm 38 and we've been allowing our life circumstances get in the way of having a baby for years. But you get to a point where you decide those things don't matter anymore. Or you don't. I hope you find a resolution because there is no compromise for kids. If you both want this then it's time to jump in. Now.

[Moluko]

Agreed. Without going into detail about me...here's what i learned from my own experiences.

There is never a perfect time. Something always comes up. It up to you and your partner if you are just going to jump in our not. And if you can see yourself with children in the future, then it's time to start trying.  Especially when you get to a certain age and the window is getting smaller.

Everything else will work around your lives as parents. Don't worry about aspirations and goals and careers.  If they are still important to you after kids, you can still achieve them.  The timeline might be slightly different than what you anticipated but it can be done.

[Van818]

Talk to your wife. Tell her you really want kids soon and ask when she wants them. So you have exact answers from her. (try not to focus on the age thing; that bothered me...I didn't want anyone other than me pointing out that my fertility was dwindling.) It may well take a while trying so could be good to start now. Perhaps your wife needs some encouragement or enthusiasm from you, perhaps she's still grieving the miscarriage, perhaps she's scared about fetal abnormalities or starting motherhood in her 40s (or all of these if she is anything like me!)....you won't know until you ask...gently.  Good luck!

(I'm 40 and 22 weeks pregnant with my first after a few miscarriages. I won't bore you with details but this is really not an ideal time for me or my partner to be expecting - but we're delighted and making things work as best we can)

[AnnieCardell]

That is tough. I can't imagine having been pregnant while working on my dissertation. She has to be ready too, but as my doctor told me, if you want a baby, don't wait to try because it just gets harder as you get older. I know the risk for chromosomal abnormalities is so much higher at this point...I'm so worried at 38...but as my doctor reminded me, there's still a higher probability of having a healthy baby. However, the odds rise fast in the 40s, so it's something to consider. Just talk openly and be understanding. Find out if she's afraid to try again because of risk. Also, consider that you can always adopt in the future. Good luck!

[AnnieCardell]

When I was trying to figure out whether to keep trying, a friend of mine who had an unplanned baby a couple of years ago said, "The time rarely seems perfect, but you will never regret having a baby. You might regret it if you don't."