Aa
dealing with annoying family...
Okay this is long Im sorry! so a little background on myself- I am going to be a single parent, in the military and my daughter is due in 20 ish days. I thought I've made it clear to family that I don't want all my relatives trying to come out here, especially not before she comes. I want my time with my daughter and to get settled into my new duty station,etc. I also live in a one bedroom apartment and have zero room for people to stay with me. My grandma (who drives me absolutely insane, she is overwhelming and tries to tell me how I need to do everything regarding my life/my baby) has been calling weekly begging to come out here to visit. She cries when I tell her no. Even implies she wants to live with me to help take care of baby girl. I've told her no thanks repeatedly. She's even tried to sneak a visit but another family member ratted her out. She then tried to invite herself here for Easter to which I said no I will tell you when you can come but it will be on MY terms. My dad even had a talk w her about her overwhelming me and respecting my wishes. But today she is posting on fb that she just so happens to be passing through my state on a road trip and she hopes "I can make myself available". It's like a repeated guilt trip and she won't take no for an answer. How do you guys deal with family members who try to insert themselves in your life and not respect your boundaries.
Thank you Kj_skibum :)
It is best during birth for my to be comfortable and relaxed. It is best for post partum depression and bonding after birth for mom to feel safe, supported, and relaxed.
Sorry, but we do not know grandma, and it does sound like grandma has a hard time respecting boundaries....and since grandma cannot keep herself from trying to control the situation, and says and does things she knows will upset/antagonize her grand daughter, then grandma is not invited to the birth.
There are cultural differences in terms of respecting elders, but thank heavens that it is now socially ok to place some boundaries with elder family members who misbehave.
I don't believe pharmaceutical companies are evil...they save millions and billing of lives with vaccines! If 1 in 1,000 has neg. reaction but vaccine saved 999 from getting a illness such as measles which can cause blindness and death, then I am for vaccines! 32 Amish people died last year after two of thier missionaries returned from the Philippines with measles, because the Amish don't vaccinate....Go visit a 3rd world country where vaccines aren't available and volunteer in thier hospital to care for sick and dying children and you may quit buying into the propaganda that pharmacu tial companies and vaccines are somehow evil. US Americans are so pampered we haven't a clue to reality of contagious disease!
Sorry, but we do not know grandma, and it does sound like grandma has a hard time respecting boundaries....and since grandma cannot keep herself from trying to control the situation, and says and does things she knows will upset/antagonize her grand daughter, then grandma is not invited to the birth.
There are cultural differences in terms of respecting elders, but thank heavens that it is now socially ok to place some boundaries with elder family members who misbehave.
I don't believe pharmaceutical companies are evil...they save millions and billing of lives with vaccines! If 1 in 1,000 has neg. reaction but vaccine saved 999 from getting a illness such as measles which can cause blindness and death, then I am for vaccines! 32 Amish people died last year after two of thier missionaries returned from the Philippines with measles, because the Amish don't vaccinate....Go visit a 3rd world country where vaccines aren't available and volunteer in thier hospital to care for sick and dying children and you may quit buying into the propaganda that pharmacu tial companies and vaccines are somehow evil. US Americans are so pampered we haven't a clue to reality of contagious disease!
^ you are entitled to your opinion but calling me selfish is unwarranted. It is my child and I am entitled to having whomever I wish to be there or not be there. I definitely do not see where I am being "ungrateful" as you put it. But like I said, to each their own, have YOUR grandma at your delivery if you so choose :)
Wow!!!!! Ur so selfish. Your grandma is in her latter years of life and u dont want to bring her happiness? She is your elder and you're disrespecting her by denying her to see her great grandchild being born. Ur so ungrateful.
Btw the research has shown statistically signficant, or far greater than chance, people who develop whooping cough are those who were vaccinated. I wouldn't rely on big pharmaceutical companies to keep u and ur families healthy. Especially when on record they pay out upwards of.millions a year to families of those injured by vaccinations.
If you plan to breast feed then you can get the whooping cough vaccine immediately after birth. It will transfer to the baby. That helped us feel a little better, just incase.
Thank you for all the advice! I really like the letter idea! And yes, civilians can get on a military base. I've put it in my birth plan whos allowed to be there but I do really like that idea regarding a letter.also the part of requesting grandparents to get whooping cough vaccine. I was just wondering.today about the hepatitis one, I know many elderly people can carry it and not know or have not had the vaccine.
Sorry about Grandma....
YOU are blessed to have peeps that love you and it sounds like they would be there for you in a heartbeat if the chips were down! PHYSICALLY, FINANCIALLY, EMOTIONALLY....BUT THEY DO NEED TO RESPECT YOUR WISHES.
I would write a letter addressed to all thanking them for thier love and concern, and to thank them for thier support.
I would then state that you have written a birth plan that includes the following attendants at the birth, for hospital visits, and for 4 weeks post birth visits. Be clear that the birth plan is filed with the hospital, and that the hospital will not permit visitors on the ward or in the room who are not listed on the birth plan.
Be clear that you have arranged for post birth support for first 4 weeks min. and you do not have room in your home for overnight guests.
(Have you taken a Labor, Birth, and Early Care class? Are you up to speed with knowledge of first 4 weeks, lactation, etc? If not, be sure to speak to someone ASAP to ensure you do have a support person the first 30 days available for 24 hour help....your body is healing to momma, and should anything go wrong, you might need a family member there....don't cut them out unless you got things coverred)
I am 43 and this is my first. I am asking my mom and in laws to take a Baby Safety for Grandparents Class before baby comes, and to be vaccinated for whooping cough.
My hospital offers the class, and it hopefully will get them up to speed on newest best practices for infant care....things are different then they were 40-50 years ago when my husband and I were infants....Even if you are in your 20's, both mom and grandma need to be educated as to how to support you now...and I think they do talk about boundaries in the class. Check out the free classes near grandma in her home town and get her into some !
Lastly....when you go into labor, only call your approved support people who are to be at hospital. They should not inform others of your status without your permission!
Good Luck
YOU are blessed to have peeps that love you and it sounds like they would be there for you in a heartbeat if the chips were down! PHYSICALLY, FINANCIALLY, EMOTIONALLY....BUT THEY DO NEED TO RESPECT YOUR WISHES.
I would write a letter addressed to all thanking them for thier love and concern, and to thank them for thier support.
I would then state that you have written a birth plan that includes the following attendants at the birth, for hospital visits, and for 4 weeks post birth visits. Be clear that the birth plan is filed with the hospital, and that the hospital will not permit visitors on the ward or in the room who are not listed on the birth plan.
Be clear that you have arranged for post birth support for first 4 weeks min. and you do not have room in your home for overnight guests.
(Have you taken a Labor, Birth, and Early Care class? Are you up to speed with knowledge of first 4 weeks, lactation, etc? If not, be sure to speak to someone ASAP to ensure you do have a support person the first 30 days available for 24 hour help....your body is healing to momma, and should anything go wrong, you might need a family member there....don't cut them out unless you got things coverred)
I am 43 and this is my first. I am asking my mom and in laws to take a Baby Safety for Grandparents Class before baby comes, and to be vaccinated for whooping cough.
My hospital offers the class, and it hopefully will get them up to speed on newest best practices for infant care....things are different then they were 40-50 years ago when my husband and I were infants....Even if you are in your 20's, both mom and grandma need to be educated as to how to support you now...and I think they do talk about boundaries in the class. Check out the free classes near grandma in her home town and get her into some !
Lastly....when you go into labor, only call your approved support people who are to be at hospital. They should not inform others of your status without your permission!
Good Luck
When you go to register at your hospital tell them nobody is allowed back there except your husband/ so. Then the nurses will interfere and say it's hospital protocol. And you can tell them you want to register privately. That's what I did. My name wasn't on the door, and my son's cart didn't show his lastname. It just shows a number.
If you live on a military base can she get in without a military ID?
After the baby is born my hospital makes everyone check in at a front desk that is in front of locked doors. The concierge will then call your room to see if you would like to allow them in. I think that's great. I'm also not plant tell anyone when I go into labor
At my hospital, they have you write down lists of people who are and are not allowed to come into the room. And when you are ok with people coming in the room. That part is just awesome! As far as having ppl come to the hospital, just don't tell ppl when you go into labor :)
I'm I'm the same situation, well almost. I'm also due in 20 days. I have repeatedly told my family that the only person I want in the room with my is my husband and nurses. They are just too overwhelming and my mother especially finds a way in any single situation we are in the talk about herself and make it about her. So I van be I'm agony pushing this baby out and she will start to talk about her own birth. Also, she is handicapped on an electric scooter and the room isnt big enough for her to be rolling all around. I asked very politely at the beginning for everyone to please wait until you get the phone cll thst my son has been born and everything is good and healthy to come to the hosp. There is only one waiting room for fam to sit in and it's small and cramped and I do nOt want my family at the hosp hanging out waiting for me to give borth, it could be hours or could be days. My mom then tells me the other day that she is going to buy a nurses outfit to sneak into my room and be with me! Omg. And when I flipped put and told her how she was stressing me out, she goes oh lol I'm just being fynny, but irs def something I would not put past her to do unfortunately. The. She told me she needs to know when I'm in labor so she can drop whatever she's doing to cone to the hosp. WHAT DONT PEOPLE UNDERSTAND?!?! I said I want you there when he's born, nobody is allowed during the labor process!
I know what this is like. I'm in a similar situation with my mom... i love her but she is crazy and I have had to stop talking to her because it's so out of control with her. She is a crazy maker. I need to protect myself from her. Especially when I have the baby because I'm going to be vulnerable. It sounds like you may need to do the same thing and it's really hard because they're family and you don't want to hurt their feelings. You just have to be tough and set the boundaries. And if they cry, get upset, or angry that's tough luck because it's your life and your baby. You know how to.make the right decisions for your familu. Don't let it get you down. It sounds like you know what your doing and you need good support without any crazy drama.
I understand how you feel Ash! Trust me, my Dad didn't like my boyfriend (who was originally supposed to come for the birth but unfortunately cannot) and would say he'd still show up for the birth regardless of my wish for it to be just me and my bf w our daughter. Mind you, all my family lives in a diff state and they'd claim to have already bought their tickets to come here. Its ridiculous.
This is the exact reason why I have nothing to do with my family. Moved changed my number. I vanished. Family is so much drama. More than I need or want
I hope so too Lindsay!
@rockrose, I have a doula plus my mom is planning on being here. I've made it clear to my fam the only person I want with me is a Doula and mom. But grandma (dad's side) keeps trying to invite herself for that and to stay after.
I don't have this problem, but I'd just do my best to ignore them. Do what you think is best gor you and your child and if your family forces their way in before you are comfortable, then what kind of family are they? I understand that they want to see your baby, but your baby won't be going anywhere and you are the mom. I hope that they can understand that.
Do you have anyone at all who will be with you in labor and delivery, or who will help take the baby home?
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