Aa
overreacting?
Would you be hurt if you kept finding naked pics of girls on your bfs or husband's computer? He doesn't even try to hide it from me anymore. I'm so hurt almost 37 weeks pregnant huge unattractive. What to do? I just act like it doesn't bother me then go into a room and cry.
Ok let me tell you my humble opinion. I have no problem with porn. I would have a huge issue with pictures of an ex. This was a person that my husband not only had a physical relationship with but also an emotional tie. There are very few reasons I would consider divorce, abuse of any kind or cheating. I know I could never get past that personally. That is what it comes down to, what can you live with. Even with counseling can you trust your husband? Without trust and respect your marriage can never be happy.
I do believe that children want to have a two parent household but that isn't always what is best for them. They will know if their parents are happy or not. My parents had ups and downs just like every other marriage. I remember them fighting when I was young because my dad didn't know if he loved my mom anymore...flash forward 15 years when all of us kids were legal adults and my dad left my mom, his wife of nearly 30 years for a girl he had been seeing on the side. It devestated the whole family. He has had no contact with any of us in 7 years except for an email here or there. I honestly believe we would all have been better off if he had done this when we were young and would eventually not know any different than just having our mom.
Once again this is completely up to you and how you deal with this. Good luck sweetie
I do believe that children want to have a two parent household but that isn't always what is best for them. They will know if their parents are happy or not. My parents had ups and downs just like every other marriage. I remember them fighting when I was young because my dad didn't know if he loved my mom anymore...flash forward 15 years when all of us kids were legal adults and my dad left my mom, his wife of nearly 30 years for a girl he had been seeing on the side. It devestated the whole family. He has had no contact with any of us in 7 years except for an email here or there. I honestly believe we would all have been better off if he had done this when we were young and would eventually not know any different than just having our mom.
Once again this is completely up to you and how you deal with this. Good luck sweetie
COMMUNITY LEADER
What a great post anniebrooke. thanks for that!
I am going to say something very tiny and meant to be just a little funny but it is also true. And I say it from a context of a marriage (that I'm still in) that has been successful for two decades. If my husband had naked photos of his exes in his computer, --(well, first of all our son would find them before me, he is 8 and much better on the computer than I am, but even if not), well, erhum ... I'd probably take a look. I've never seen Mariah (the woman he dated before me) in the buff. I always wondered if her boobs were fake.
Here is the serious point. I would be able to tease my husband about her boobs being fake, if they were. We talk about his past girlfriends (not so much any more, too many years ago! god we're getting old -- but certainly we used to.) We would tease and joke, and even make a snipey comment or two. And original poster, you sound like the elephant in the room is ... everything. Like you two don't have a basis for talking about stuff in a way that defuses it from being an issue in the first place. Why is that? It won't serve you, if you are pregnant, not to be able to talk and problem-solve and laugh together about the ups and (especially) downs of life. What happens when the baby draws on your husband's expensive new pigskin suitcase with a Sharpie? What happens when one of you turns your back and the baby rolls off the changing table and hits the floor? Is it "Of course we will team together and deal with this together"? Or is it blame, anger, silence, fear?
If you can, tell your husband that part of prenatal classes is for the parents to take a couples counseling course to prepare for the inevitable tensions on a marriage that come with a baby. Because lovely as babies are, they are stressors too.
Here is the serious point. I would be able to tease my husband about her boobs being fake, if they were. We talk about his past girlfriends (not so much any more, too many years ago! god we're getting old -- but certainly we used to.) We would tease and joke, and even make a snipey comment or two. And original poster, you sound like the elephant in the room is ... everything. Like you two don't have a basis for talking about stuff in a way that defuses it from being an issue in the first place. Why is that? It won't serve you, if you are pregnant, not to be able to talk and problem-solve and laugh together about the ups and (especially) downs of life. What happens when the baby draws on your husband's expensive new pigskin suitcase with a Sharpie? What happens when one of you turns your back and the baby rolls off the changing table and hits the floor? Is it "Of course we will team together and deal with this together"? Or is it blame, anger, silence, fear?
If you can, tell your husband that part of prenatal classes is for the parents to take a couples counseling course to prepare for the inevitable tensions on a marriage that come with a baby. Because lovely as babies are, they are stressors too.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Several posters told her to leave him and that is overreacting in my opinion.
was she overreacting to the pictures? I'm not sure. She hadn't done anything about it but talk to him so no. That isn't an overreaction. He deleted them.
Sometimes women jump on another in a semi aggressive way as I saw in this thread and that is really not necessary.
If we were 'simply' answering her question, then several of these posts wouldn't exist that almost felt like taking a jab at her for wanting to work on her marriage.
She was asking for help on how to handle such a situation WITHIN her marriage. Hopefully she was able to find something within this thread that was useful to her.
luck to the poster and let me know how things are going.
was she overreacting to the pictures? I'm not sure. She hadn't done anything about it but talk to him so no. That isn't an overreaction. He deleted them.
Sometimes women jump on another in a semi aggressive way as I saw in this thread and that is really not necessary.
If we were 'simply' answering her question, then several of these posts wouldn't exist that almost felt like taking a jab at her for wanting to work on her marriage.
She was asking for help on how to handle such a situation WITHIN her marriage. Hopefully she was able to find something within this thread that was useful to her.
luck to the poster and let me know how things are going.
I agree that divorce over pictures is a little much. But at the end of the day THE QUESTION she asked was is she overreacting?what we the commenters would do? And finally she stated in a follow up post that she hates her marriage.
I think we all need to agree that not one of us told her to divorce her husband, most simply stated that would be the line on which they would leave.
She did state that it is repeatedly found on his computer;that he doesn't even bother hiding it (meaning he is openly and willingly hurting her);and that she continues to pretend it's not a problem when in fact it is.
Let me just say as someone who deals with computers: pictures don't get saved in multiple file sources if he didn't do it himself. If they keep "popping up" in different places, you need to ask yourself how that could be happening unless he had more than you thought.
You the poster need to look long and hard at the facts. I'll tell you what I tell my son "you can't change anything if you just sit there and do nothing about what's upsetting you". And you also "can't get everything you want but it's best to at least ask and see what your options are" ...which in your case means nothing is going to get fixed talking to us & unless you talk to your husband and face your options NOTHING will ever change for the better.
Do you really want your child brought into a world where marriage doesn't mean anything except technicalities.
I wish you the best of luck in what happens.
I think we all need to agree that not one of us told her to divorce her husband, most simply stated that would be the line on which they would leave.
She did state that it is repeatedly found on his computer;that he doesn't even bother hiding it (meaning he is openly and willingly hurting her);and that she continues to pretend it's not a problem when in fact it is.
Let me just say as someone who deals with computers: pictures don't get saved in multiple file sources if he didn't do it himself. If they keep "popping up" in different places, you need to ask yourself how that could be happening unless he had more than you thought.
You the poster need to look long and hard at the facts. I'll tell you what I tell my son "you can't change anything if you just sit there and do nothing about what's upsetting you". And you also "can't get everything you want but it's best to at least ask and see what your options are" ...which in your case means nothing is going to get fixed talking to us & unless you talk to your husband and face your options NOTHING will ever change for the better.
Do you really want your child brought into a world where marriage doesn't mean anything except technicalities.
I wish you the best of luck in what happens.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think the advice to leave someone for simply having naked pictures is the 'overreaction'. it's okay to be upset about things in a relationship but the reason why the divorce rate is staggeringly high is because people don't work through problems.
But if this is what YOU would do, that is also fine. We live our own lives and all have different goals.
I commend this couple for taking that step to marry--- he's committed to you (poster) and he loves her and proclaimed it legally, publically and morally. With that commitment and vow, it's worth working on a marriage.
I've been married a LONG time-- 15 years and together with my husband nearly 19 years. Happily. Even though there are peaks and valleys and when it was a valley, we worked through it. .
She doesn't describe some cad. We all vent. And this seems like a situation you can work on. counseling sounds like a fantastic idea.
So, I think you are on the right track and then time will tell if you are with your man in a happy union for the long haul. I sure hope so.
And there is no need to be SO 'upset' (??) or "irritated" with the poster. If you just want to argue, we'll bring in a moderator to help us out.
luck to the poster
But if this is what YOU would do, that is also fine. We live our own lives and all have different goals.
I commend this couple for taking that step to marry--- he's committed to you (poster) and he loves her and proclaimed it legally, publically and morally. With that commitment and vow, it's worth working on a marriage.
I've been married a LONG time-- 15 years and together with my husband nearly 19 years. Happily. Even though there are peaks and valleys and when it was a valley, we worked through it. .
She doesn't describe some cad. We all vent. And this seems like a situation you can work on. counseling sounds like a fantastic idea.
So, I think you are on the right track and then time will tell if you are with your man in a happy union for the long haul. I sure hope so.
And there is no need to be SO 'upset' (??) or "irritated" with the poster. If you just want to argue, we'll bring in a moderator to help us out.
luck to the poster
But again if you came here just to hear what you want to hear and not the obvious then let me tell you.. Youre marriage is great youre husband is the best having naked pictures of his exes and girls he slept with in the past is totally ok and normal he loves you and respects you 100%.. Lucky you... Hey but you forgot to write at the end of your post a little note that says "please lie to me or i will dislike your comment.. Please tell me only what i want to hear.. that i should stay in my marriage pictures dont mean nothing amd my husband's great ""
Well of course its your fault in a way because you put up with it.. men will never change if they have a wife that just takes their crap he'll just continue to disrespect you always because he knows you depend on him..
@ specialmom thank you for truly understanding where I am coming from and why I think it's a absurd to throw away a marriage and a family over some pics. The communication has been our biggest issue I can't approach him he does shut down and pushes me away and won't talk to me and has this extremely guilty and sad look on his face. He has no problem deleting the pics and this happened before and he went through everything and deleted everything without any hesitation the issue is they keep popping up in random folders and files on his computer and he claims that he didn't know about them. I highly doubt my husband is physically cheating as he goes to work and straight home same time every single day and then we go places together he doesn't go out anywhere without me no bars or clubs. I think I will try to get him to go to marriage counseling with me. Thank you for your response I truly appreciate it! :)
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. You've gotten a bit of good advice and some really bad advice here. :>) Marriage is about vows and commitment and naked pictures in a folder does not really constitute a reason to pack up and leave, end a family and leave a child to be raised by a single mother. Kids DO want parents that are together and it has to be a super dee duper big reason to bring that to an end.
There are men that like naked pictures. What can I say? My husband had this playboy that I think is like 15 years old. Only one but he must have liked it. He finally threw it out when our oldest got old enough to explore around the house. I remember finding some magazines of my dad's when I was a kid. This is NOT the end of the world. I've been married almost 15 years even with that beloved playboy my husband had for a long time (or whatever it was. it was some magazine thing). My husband and I are very close and a strong couple and both are very committed to our family.
so, please, don't think you have to leave your husband over this.
NOW, this is important. What DOES concern me is that you seem to have a very hard time communicating with him. He shuts down whenever anything comes up. So, this makes you uncomfortable or almost fearful of approaching him about things and that is not good in a long term relationship.
I would definitely problem solve on this issue. What about going to him and telling him that you are in this for the long haul and your goal is for both of you to be HAPPY. I did this with my husband years ago. We both have a strong conviction that marriage is a true commitment and that it is a forever relationship so you have to do your part to make it work. Telling him that I want HIM to be happy as well as myself is powerful. It was sincere because that is what I want. I'm willing to do my part, he has to be willing to do his part. THIS is what you need to discuss with your husband.
You should ask him how you can improve communication with him. That what you do now kind of shuts him down and you'd rather be closer and be able to talk about 'whatever'. You want him to feel that way too. ASK HIM how communication can improve in his eyes.
Is a marriage therapist something he'd consider? I think this can be really great for a couple. When it is approached as a way to get closer and work on things so you can be happy--- men seem much more interested in it than if it's approached as You've got problems man, you need help. But I think this can be great,
The pics are just pics. Who knows how old they are and maybe it is a simple fact of not deleting them. Men are very visual and honestly, this is often meaningless.
So, I sense you are like me and want a traditional home for your child with a man and a woman as mother and father, husband and wife and you want this relationship to go the duration. Therefore, how you are currently approaching him is not working and you need his help and maybe outside help to work on the style of communication between the two of you.
And don't be insecure hon. He CHOSE you to marry. You're having his child. This is special. So many men don't take that step these days to honor a woman with marriage and THAT is what I don't understand why women put up with that. Those are the relationships that end rather quickly because there was no commitment made publically to one another to even begin with. YOU HAVE THAT.
So, hang in there. Let me know if you need any more ideas for better communication. peace and hugs
There are men that like naked pictures. What can I say? My husband had this playboy that I think is like 15 years old. Only one but he must have liked it. He finally threw it out when our oldest got old enough to explore around the house. I remember finding some magazines of my dad's when I was a kid. This is NOT the end of the world. I've been married almost 15 years even with that beloved playboy my husband had for a long time (or whatever it was. it was some magazine thing). My husband and I are very close and a strong couple and both are very committed to our family.
so, please, don't think you have to leave your husband over this.
NOW, this is important. What DOES concern me is that you seem to have a very hard time communicating with him. He shuts down whenever anything comes up. So, this makes you uncomfortable or almost fearful of approaching him about things and that is not good in a long term relationship.
I would definitely problem solve on this issue. What about going to him and telling him that you are in this for the long haul and your goal is for both of you to be HAPPY. I did this with my husband years ago. We both have a strong conviction that marriage is a true commitment and that it is a forever relationship so you have to do your part to make it work. Telling him that I want HIM to be happy as well as myself is powerful. It was sincere because that is what I want. I'm willing to do my part, he has to be willing to do his part. THIS is what you need to discuss with your husband.
You should ask him how you can improve communication with him. That what you do now kind of shuts him down and you'd rather be closer and be able to talk about 'whatever'. You want him to feel that way too. ASK HIM how communication can improve in his eyes.
Is a marriage therapist something he'd consider? I think this can be really great for a couple. When it is approached as a way to get closer and work on things so you can be happy--- men seem much more interested in it than if it's approached as You've got problems man, you need help. But I think this can be great,
The pics are just pics. Who knows how old they are and maybe it is a simple fact of not deleting them. Men are very visual and honestly, this is often meaningless.
So, I sense you are like me and want a traditional home for your child with a man and a woman as mother and father, husband and wife and you want this relationship to go the duration. Therefore, how you are currently approaching him is not working and you need his help and maybe outside help to work on the style of communication between the two of you.
And don't be insecure hon. He CHOSE you to marry. You're having his child. This is special. So many men don't take that step these days to honor a woman with marriage and THAT is what I don't understand why women put up with that. Those are the relationships that end rather quickly because there was no commitment made publically to one another to even begin with. YOU HAVE THAT.
So, hang in there. Let me know if you need any more ideas for better communication. peace and hugs
I think he still messing around with his ex.. Due to he keeps pictures n locks his computer n specially you are giving him the green light to keep doing it. Am sorry but you allowed for years this is not gonna stop am sure if you delete the pics or you ask to delete he will not do it he will separate from you cuz he knows that you are a weak person that's what you have shown him... If he really loved you he will be watching port instead of looking at pic of his ex's
You need to have some dignity n respect for your unborn baby n your self you can't let him step on your pride but I guess guys go over women cuz we allow them
You need to have some dignity n respect for your unborn baby n your self you can't let him step on your pride but I guess guys go over women cuz we allow them
Its not your fault but the fact that you allowed it to go on for years is what's crazy a pastor will tell you some marriages can't be fixed. Good luck to you
good and I hope you enjoy every bit of it :)
@ Juel19 your absolutely right :) I will enjoy my last 3 weeks of pregnancy and pamper myself instead of paying any mind to him.
I'm not saying to divorce him but you need to separate your self from him.. The only thing that should matter is you and your unborn baby. And if that means making him sleep on the couch or going to his mom house then so be it he shouldn't hurt you knowing that you're carrying his child.. And stop talking to him give him the silent treatment and go pamper yourself by going to the spa or shopping or hanging with friends so that you can get your mind off of that :) you'll get threw this
And @ finallypregnant really? It's MY fault for meaning my vows..and being treated like crap is all my fault right? It's easy for anyone just to yap about nonsense and talk all big and mighty about what they'd do when their not in the other persons shoes.
Well I talked to him even though I didn't want to because talking solves absolutely nothing. He just distances himself from me even more. And to those who are suggesting divorce I am trying so hard to stay in this marriage because I don't believe in divorce. I want to fix my marriage it is why i go to counseling it's too easy to throw everything away. I really don't understand people who scream divorce the minute not everything is perfect. And I'm not being immature for wanting to give him a taste of his own medicine I want to show him how it feels. I love my husband and it kills me and I love our child and want us to work but of course if I try everything and all else fails I will leave just understand it's my last option.
I'm going to put this as bluntly as I can I'm crazy and not only would I delete them myself he wouldn't have a computer anymore. And if he's lucky I wouldn't kill him. He wouldn't see day light again.
No you ain't over reacting. On the real I think you should let him know how you feel about it. Because i know so far in my pregnancy I feel ugly and fat because I use to be fit and everything and I couldn't workout through my pregnancy due to risky pregnancy. But trust I would see on Instagram pictures of girls and I would get all sentimental and all its our hormones:)
You sound a bit immature when u say you Will just do the same thing he does as in talk to exes and have nude pics of them... when this really bothers u why would u make it worse by doing the same to him? Two wrongs dont make a right and if it really upsets you ask him to delete them. Otherwise it sounds like u have given up. Good luck
Its one things for a guy to occasionally look at porn. But to keep photos of ex and from porn sites is another story. He is married to you now and there is a baby coming soon. This situation can also get worst after the baby is here. I hope you're both still going to take counselling lessons together soon to resolve your marriage issues. Married or not, he seems very immature with his lame excuses. My ex was the same way and finally called it quits a year before I met my husband (together for 8 1/2 years with ex!). Could not see myself marrying someone who constantly lied, controlled me and made me feel guilty. Do what's best for you. And make sure you see him delete those photos permanently! And have him remove his password. He lost his rights on so many levels.
Well sorry to tell you but im sure he still talks to them and most likely still sleeping with them or one of them i feel bad for you but a man that loves you would not do that especially now that you are pregnant and if thats been happenning for years its kind of your fault because he knows youll stay with him no matter what and not having your family is no excuse for being with a cheater there are places that can help you.. You are wasting your time being with him its clear he doesnt love you.
You said its been like this for years. So why have you still been with him?
And if he has the pics of exes tthey're probably still messing around.
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