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Avatar universal

His last name or mine?

I'm 5 mths pregnant and the father has been missing since I was 4 weeks pregnant! Prior to him leaving we had THE BEST friendship! I've seen him in passing but he has yet to speak to me. We did not have a issue prior to him not speaking to me for the last 4 months so my question is should I give this child his last name or not I feel that I should it's only right when it comes to the baby. some of my family members believe that I shouldn't because they feel that he hasn't been around and others feel if he comes around than I should consider it.... I need advice what do you think?
30 Responses
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11408025 tn?1417974109
See if you're able to obtain an attorney pro-bono (that means free). Google or call around, but there is free help out there for you if you can qualify or convince someone.

Most of the time this stuff only gets expensive during contested divorces or contested custody.

There are plenty of resources out there for you, you're just going to have to do some digging to get it.
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9771234 tn?1405793808
What about the single mothers who can't afford a layer?
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11408025 tn?1417974109
Every single mom, listen to AnnieBrooke. I'm an attorney here in Texas and as supportive and nice your advice is, you single mom's should really be talking to a lawyer. Not a forum.

Hire an attorney, you might find one to work pro-bono, and make sure things are in line legally. Worry about the morality of last names last and start worrying about securing a financially sound future for your child. Dead beat dad's don't magically become involved when the child is born but at least you can work towards being the primary caretaker and making sure child support is given.

Long post short, if you're a single  and pregnant mom. Get an attorney on that loser of a dad and make sure your baby's needs are fulfilled
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Avatar universal
I will be hyphenating my baby's last name...to be fair..
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Avatar universal
If you're worried about the child getting something if the father passes. Then thats when you do a dns test. I dont know what that legal aid told but thats false. You need to file for child support when the baby is born anyways. The baby should not have his name if he doesn't want to be a father.  period
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9771234 tn?1405793808
Going through the sam decision on giving my baby his name or mine but I've decided to give her both our last names and my baby's dad is also in the military
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Avatar universal
I also truely regret giving my son his father's last name. It always makes me sad
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134578 tn?1642048000
Missjune, when you said "I feel it's only right," and "its a lot more to our relationship everyone has a back story" it sounds like what you are saying is that you feel it would be only right for this guy, with whom you had a friendship before, to step up and want to be the dad.  It would be great if he did, nobody is disagreeing with you.   But though you were his friend before, he clearly is showing he does not want to be a dad.  He is displaying in every way possible that he does not want this to be happening.  He isn't speaking to you, he isn't acting concerned, let alone friendly.  You are wanting him to honor the past friendship, but he feels like you changed all the parameters without his agreement, and he doesn't like it.

You can't shame a guy into wanting to be a dad if he doesn't, by giving the baby his name.  You can't get legal rights to him for the baby unless you do so by DNA test, and unless the military has some peculiar rules requiring the baby have the dad's last name in order to get benefits, the baby's name does not matter if the DNA test proves paternity.   If you are hoping to honor your past friendship by giving the baby the dad's last name, please keep in mind that the friendship is gone -- he is ignoring you totally, and you don't deserve that, frankly it is insulting.  He should earn the right to have a child named after him, not have it thrown at him in an attempt to prove your friendship.

Please listen to the ladies here who have been in this position, it is very frustrating to the woman to have a child whose name is not hers when she is the one who has raised him.  It is confusing to the child, and sad for him or her to have a continual reminder that some guy named such-and-such is his dad and not around.  It's costly to change the name later (not to mention, again, confusing for the child).  If your old friend were to reappear later and actually act like an old friend (don't hold your breath), you could revisit the naming if he insists.  But you two aren't on a path that suggests this is going to happen.

The woman who suggested you go to the JAG's office and ask them the requirements for getting a child listed as the survivor of someone in the military was very smart.  I'm sure you wouldn't be charged for that, and the JAG office will know all the rules if it is this guy's military benefits you are most concerned about (versus garden-variety Social Security or other benefits).  I assume the DNA test will be enough, but the military does have its own rules, so you need to know.  You also need to begin the process of child support pretty soon if you intend to file for it.

I understand that you want him to be your friend the way he was before, but I'm sorry, sweetheart, an important factor has changed, and that is that you are pregnant.  Guys often like or even love a woman but do not want to be a father, and cut off the woman once that occurs.  You can't make him like your choice to keep the baby.  But you do get a wonderful child to love.  In that, you're the lucky one.
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Avatar universal
Hey well I see theres alot of comment and personal opinions inno from personal experience how it feels to be pregnant with out babys fathers support. Honestly from the bottom of my heart I regret giving her dads last name. Shes almost four and doesnt know who her dads name is or how he looks. He doesnt make an effort to step up. If its like that for your pregnancy most likely ismt mam enough to father. Its not our responsiblity to make sure they know who there father is its theirs!!!!. Some men are just selfish. Follow your heart
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Avatar universal
I would have to agree with naming his last name if the father is involved....seems fair....how many weeks are you now...I hope that things change for you guys and for the babies sake before you deliver...good luck and I'm sure whatever you choose will be in the best interest of your baby :)
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Avatar universal
Per my above post. Meant, you can still petition for child support, even if your child does not carry the father's surname.
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Avatar universal
I don't think you should give your child his last name. What if this man is never involved with your child, your child should have a surname he feels a connection with and you know for sure he will have that with you, therefore the baby should carry your last name. As long you can still petition for child support if your child dies not carry the father's surnane, at least in most states. I wish you all the best, hun
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Avatar universal
It is not a man's right to have their children named after him. Making a baby takes two. It should be equal. If he doesn't take part in the pregnancy, then I would give the baby your name. If he comes around and pays child support, then maybe think about it then. But, it seems as though you will be the sole caretaker for your baby for at least the beginning.
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Avatar universal
I absolutely think you should give the baby your last name. You will always be in your child's life, and for the father.. who knows.

If you have regrets about your choice, it's difficult, confusing to the kid, and expensive to change it.

If the child has the last name of someone who is absent, they may feel funny about it. Who knows but I vote for your last name. Best of luck
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Avatar universal
Coming from someone who's been in ur position, do NOT give ur baby which U will more than likely get full credit of raising and teaching baby everything he/she knows the father who has been MIAs last name.  I made that mistake and I wholeheartedly REGRET it!!  Sure I can change my son's last name, but it's costs $$$ just to file a petition for it which right now I can't afford.  I've already discussed changing my son's last name and he is well aware that one day he will no longer carry his biological fathers last name and he's okay with that. It's best to give UR baby UR name!!!  TRUST me!!!  You won't regret it cuz u'll always be there for ur kid, not like the deadbeat sperm donor who wants nothing to do with baby..  
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134578 tn?1642048000
I am seeing this in a school where I volunteer.  A kid is named the last name of a man that by now has been out of his life for a long time.  The woman does not have the money to file for a legal name change.  Yet she is the sole parent.  She is frustrated that the school won't just call the kid by her last name at roll call, and in his records, but they can't, because his legal name is his (deadbeat) dad's.  I feel for the mother, she has done all the work all these years, and has to deal with people thinking he is not her child.
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Avatar universal
Give the child your last name if you're not together. I have 2 girls with the same man. One had his last name, the other mine. Long story short, we got divorced then had baby #2.
You mentioned he's affiliated with the military? Go to your nearest military installation n talk with legal or a jag officer. They will be able to help you with getting child support. If you have questions regarding military, you may send me a message.
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Avatar universal
Hellllll no girl ,use ya own,show his *** u dnt need his butt to be there and that u can make decisions yaself as a mother....trust me i kno wat u goin through...went through dat wit my duaghters father and dat ***** still aint *** back .....so i say starting filing for ya own child ,since he starting to act like a nutt,....now its about ya child its not even about hym,u gotta do wat u feel is right,....look at it like ya name is just as much as precious to hym then his own name.....lol just being honest
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Avatar universal
Lovecake98 its a lot more to our relationship everyone has a back story how ever I wish not to share all of that I just wanted to hear some one else's input but I thank you for the info
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Avatar universal
I'm aware that DNA has to be done and secondly he is very well off and lets just he's military affiliated.
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Avatar universal
Are you in U.S.?   Giving baby his name will not change the guy's attitude.  Some people lack conscience.  At the very least there is something very emotionally wrong with him if he doesn't want to be involved with you or his child.  Plus the child will be reminded that he's not in the picture when they write his name.  In this case your kid should be named with the family that wants him/her.
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134578 tn?1642048000
What benefits do you think this guy would have for the child, Social Security?  (Has the guy been working and getting Social Security taken out of his check?)

I agree with the others, without a DNA test, you can name the baby the guy's last name all you want and it will not be proof of paternity.   If it were the case that just a last name determined paternity legally, why not name your child with the last name of Buffett or Gates or Rockefeller?   I would also bet that the reverse is true, the baby could be named Santa Claus McGee but if the DNA test showed that the guy is the baby's father, the baby's claim would be no less strong to get benefits.  For example, if you were married and had not taken your husband's last name, you would still be entitled to your widow's rights if he died, no matter what your name is, and so would your kids be entitled to rights in their father's estate.

It is possible that you would have automatic rights to benefits if the two of you were married that you would have to prove, with a DNA test, if you were not married.  But the proof is in the DNA test, not the name.  

Talk to your own lawyer on this.  Every jurisdiction is different.  But I would bet that your message from someone who talked to a lawyer is partly lost in translation.  Just naming the baby the guy's last name does not give the baby any rights.
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Avatar universal
IF something were to happen to the father, DNA would be needed to claim any benefits as you are not married- regardless of name.
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Avatar universal
Your last name and actually the baby still wouldnt get anything the baby would only benefit if the dna is done and the baby is legally his cause a last name doesnt prove anything
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