I'm sorry for your loss, what a tough and crappy time for you. I'm not in a good head space today to be offering words of comfort (feeling like I'm being sucked back into the pit today) but I remember my yesterday. I remember yesterday wanting to do things and seeing a light. That's keeping me going thinking tomorrow I may see the light again.
Depression is a horrible place to be, perhaps it's time for a medication adjustment? Having a baby is hard enough, adding to it the loss of your husband perhaps getting more stable before the next downfall is the key?
With my first pregnancy I became depressed before I had him. I would sleep all day and I dreaded going out side I spent days locked in my house and husband hated me it seemed I had no energy and when I did it wasn't much to do anything or even sit on the porch outside. And then I had him and it worsened I couldn't even wake up to feed him my mom did everything for me I hated my life I was 16 pregnant and getting married. It took me almost 9 months to get out of the house and go out anywhere. It was misery
Now I'm 21 & I am on antidepressants due to my husbands passing in February and I don't know if I will Be handle having our daughter by myself. The pills don't work and the exercises aren't really making a difference I'm scared of myself. And I try my hardest for my kids I work everyday I support our family now and I'm considered a widow at 21 I'm over whelmed with life that depression has sucked me back into its hole.
Those thoughts to a certain extent are "normal" but they ask questions and sometimes do rating scales to determine whether it's the dangerous act on it thoughts. On one hand I know how it works but on the other I've also held stuff back from my therapist out of fear for my other kids. Getting help is SO important, you cant do this alone, nobody can its just too much to bare.
I now look at it from the point of view that my mental health counts more than anything, if my mental health is suffering my children will suffer and I'm liable to say something that would effect them forever. I count. YOU count. You deserve to enjoy this time and work through it and you deserve to have someone who listens and helps! Cancelling appts when your Dr believes you have PPD will raise more of a red flag than what you say to a therapist. Untreated PPD is dangerous, to the mother especially. It won't just go away. You deserve to feel better. Easier said than done, believe me I know.
Thank you for telling your story... IKR, its hard to deal with everthing. OB told me that i have PPD,but sent her a msg that i wont be able to see a therapist for any reason. But i am in denial too. I got a relapse..worst thing it was like something in my thoughts telling me to kill my baby. And one night with a headache, i had insomnia, my mind was racing. Have a history of anxiety disorder here. Made things worst. I was very afraid i might act on it! Afraid too that they might take my baby away from me!
Baby blues that don't end become PND. I've always been thankful that *all* I had gotten was 2-3 days of baby blues where I felt like running/screaming/sobbing/being locked away but they ended and I began to rely on that the more kids I had. However after losing my baby in Nov last year it became PND. I knew when I couldn't pull myself up after 2 months that I needed help, saw a therapist and came up with a bar that if I reached it I needed extra emergency help (for me that was an actual suicide plan or enacting my mental plans to run away like stashing cash etc) I was thankfully able to have some moments where I could think straight enough to let people know I wasn't doing OK. Difficult thing was to know what was normal grief and what took it to the next level and that's where a therapist came in, I was in denial I mean how could I EVER have PND when its never happened to me before (I'm on pregnancy #6) and I felt like an utter failure if I let the depression in.
In all honesty it was the toughest time in my life to pull myself out of the pit, the hardest was reaching out and saying I need help (I'm a qualified mental health worker and have helped many mothers with this and kept thinking I'm the one that helps not the one that needs help) but relying on people, new and old is what got me through. Now I'm pregnant I know I can't monitor myself anymore after so long of being "strong" so I'm seeing a therapist and a social worker regularly so theres not so much pressure on hubby to see when I'm going down.
I hope you get help that helps, its such an agonising time :(