Postpartum

[xmissfaithx]

For those of you who don't like a lengthy read, I encourage you to go on to the next post! Lol.

My beautiful son was born on September 15th. 7lbs 14 ounces and a BODY full of hair! I had a scheduled csection due to my first delivery being the same. I had an amazing, easy, and minimal painful recovery.

Any questions about a csection, I'll be happy to answer!

I used this app for the huge support system, from all of you lovely ladies, during my pregnancy. I have yet again, returned, in hopes I can get some support in my post pregnancy journey! Now, where to start?

The beginning of the post birth was amazing. I felt so loved and supported. That feeling lasted  a couple of weeks. Then came the emotional stage! Hormones out wack, body trying to get back to the norm.. Then the overwhelming feeling started taking over, like I got myself into a situation way over my head. I took in my sister a few years ago. I have a daughter, aged 7 and she has a son aged 8. So here I am, 25 taking care of my OLDER sister who doesn't have her **** together, her son, my daughter and now a new baby. Not to mention, a full time job!

My routine was waking up every several hours to feed my baby throughout the night, wake up the other two children at 6am to get them both ready and to school on time. Get this household cleaned and maintained, pick them up from school, and so on & so forth.. While my lazy sister sits around, takes advantage, doesn't help with the household chores or even pay the small amount of bills I have held her accountable for.. Trying to do this with a newborn was intense! Granted my boyfriend came for frequent visits , I was getting exhausted. It added to the emotional
mess I was beginning to be. To the point I started resenting my boyfriend because here I am, so much responsibility on my shoulders, doing this all by myself. Meanwhile.. he gets to go home after work, gets full nights of sleep, and of course baby is never ever fussy for him. We came to the agreement he would start taking him overnights to help out. It did! For a while...

My time away from work came quickly to an end. Selfishly I felt some sort of happiness in it though, that finally I'll have some sort of peace from my crazy life for several hours. I can escape my feelings and focus on something other than myself, even if it's work. Then the guilt sets in! The time spent away from my boyfriend and son kills me & somehow my f-cked up emotions have managed to make me distance myself. I get angry easily. Being asked dumbed questions from my boyfriend like: is the baby fed? Did you change his diaper? Why is he crying? Simply because he's having a fussy moment. Knowing he's not doing it to irritate me, but getting so frustrated with the feeling of being talked down to! I get emotional over him not giving me the attention or appreciation every woman wants to feel. Or the way I feel he talks down to me, even though I know he isn't. I'm slowly pushing him away. Dont get me wrong, he is absolutely amazing! The best father and
boyfriend anyone can imagine! So why do I feel this way towards him!? How he treats me now, is nothing compared to how he treated me from the time we started dating, my pregnancy and even immediately after we had our baby. I know that love is no longer just for me though and I couldn't have expected it to remain the same.

I just feel myself somehow slipping into a place where I pretend to be so happy! I smile and tell NO ONE what's really going on inside. I tell everyone how amazing I feel.. But if you've ever suffered from postpartum, it is heart wrenching. Controlling your emotions are nearly impossible. I feel like no one can truly understand. I tell my boyfriend maybe I need an antidepressant. He jokingly tells me that he is my pill! That this is all a faze because we aren't living together, that we haven't truly started our life together. Which will be changing very soon! Less than 3 weeks ill be moving in. To be truthful, it gives me anxiety. I start having doubt's it's going to work, I question if I'm even deserving of love. I've had the most important people ripped away from me and have had people take advantage of me left and right. I have outsiders telling me it's MY time for happiness. Is it really? Am I deserving of it? My heart tells me yes, but this endless pathetic self loathing and emotional postpartum bulls-it tells me otherwise. I'm slowly pushing away my loved ones and I feel like that's what's supposed to happen. Not everyone gets the fairytale ending, right?

I just needed to vent. To someone, anyone, who doesn't know me. Who may understand what I'm going through.

[xmissfaithx]

Thank you, ladies! I vented here because I really wanted to just express myself to people who don't know me. My boyfriend can only try so hard to make me laugh/smile, but he can never truly ever understand how I feel or what I'm going through. I appreciate the support! Changes are going to start to happen very quickly. Despite my anxiety, I'm optimistic about what new life will begin for me

[ShayWilliams15]

Well I can understand and empathize with you dear. I have been there, not once but twice and I'm pregnant with my third child now. You have a lot on your plate already and the postpartum isn't making it better. Your going to have to put your foot down with your sister first of all. She can at least help you with the baby since you and your boyfriend don't live together. Get her own children up and help around the house, that will be a big lift off of your shoulders trust me!!! Your boyfriend seems"OK" but do you think it would be financially and emotionally better for you guys to move in together?? He is doing his part somewhat but you will have to put your foot down unfortunately and demand more from both him and your sister.. it will get better and I pray that everything works out for you. God bless

[Enacamel123]

Your boyrfirend sounds amazing, especially taking the baby over night lol I can't ever get my husband to change poopy diapers. We're having our 5th baby by now and you'd think he'd get used to it by now. He won't do feeding at night so I can catch up on sleep. No belly rubbing, no time time for myself. Nothing. Those hormones can really take over and make you feel so isolated from everyone, even the ones that are truly trying to help. It's all normal what you are feeling. Venting to your boyfriend and letting him inside your head will help him to better understand. Maybe you would feel better if you just let all those feelings out. Confide in someone you know won't judge you and will be understanding. It's hard to take on the baby blues by yourself.

[APauling]

You are deserving of happiness! It sounds like your boyfriend is trying to be there for you the best he can, which is something to be thankful for. Our hormones get all out of whack after delivery, so I'm sure that's what is affecting you. Try to remind yourself that you were given a beautiful blessing, and that you were lucky to have a boyfriend who wants to be there for you and the baby, which is someone many puerile don't have! Count your blessings in times of worry!