domestic violence?

[louuwatson]

My partner and I have been together for 4 years. Our relationship started out almost like a fairytale, then turned into a nightmare. There was a lot of domestic violence, and he's now in prison for it. He's not serving a very long sentence as I've stood by him, withdrawing statements and trying to get him out of trouble basically. Due to the violence and stuff, no one in my family knew I was seeing him, and I didn't talk to his family either. We've had contact the whole time, and now I'm pregnant, he's involved his family, and they've been so great to me because of the baby. I've been receiving letters from him from prison,  and he sounds like he's acknowledging what he did to me in the letters,  and even wrote my mum a letter asking her to forgive him for what he did to me. I haven't given my mum the letter because my family have forgiven him so many times, I can't ask them to forgive him again. I went to visit him in the prison with his sister, and I can see that he really hasn't changed at all, and him being involved was conditional to him changing. Now I've seen him, I know I don't want him near me again. I don't know what to do though,  because his family are involved now, and I can't ask my family for support again. I don't know how I can cut him off again. Now he knows about the baby, he'll never leave me alone. I'd feel unfair cutting his family off, but I can't feel safe if I don't. I would just up and leave, but then I'm scared he'll harrass my family and I'd be alone if I did that. I love my baby more than anything, I can't let him be born into this situation. I don't know what to do. I really really need help.

[Skittles_2_1_15]

You have to log on medhelp.com to see it..

[louuwatson]

Skittles how do I find my messages? I'm new to this app!

[louuwatson]

Thank you LoveCake98. I actually think you're completely right. I have to take step 1 again, the difference is that this time I mean it. For my baby. You've all been so supportive, thank you all so much. Thanks to all of your advice, I've taken a few steps today already. Wish me luck. Thank you so so so much everyone xxxxxx

[LoveCake98]

I think you are getting yourself stressed about all the steps you will need to face in the future.  Please try to be patient with yourself and start at step 1.  You may need to journal your feelings to get it all out and then write down your action plan for the future.  Once you're in the action planning consider how you'd like the future to look--but stick to taking it 1 step at a time for now.  I suggest cutting off communication with your ex and see how you feel about yourself as an independent & empowered woman.  You can do it.  You do not deserve to spend your time with the abuser and you don't owe him anything--especially not a relationship with his child.  That is his responsibility and not yours.  Clarify your own resp

[LoveCake98]

Try to step back and start at step #1 here.  Step 1 is not to go back to him.  I th

[Skittles_2_1_15]

I also left you a personal message some is the same but it changes closer to the bottom..

[Skittles_2_1_15]

I said talk to his family also.. and his sister who is the police officer.. and tell your attorney she is and officer and he threatened to use her to find you if you move and tell his sister what he said also forget the fact your family forgave him start saying even in jail he has not changed.. he
Writes you letters blah vblah blah... Girl don't sit around an wait to become a victim.. or statistic.. another mother lost because she was afraid to get help... You choose to continue to have contact so now you got to make sure you able to lose contact now... Speak to your family again.  They might get mad at you but they will get over it... Speak to his family let them know what is going on do this now don't wait till he comes home Pleeeease.. you will become a victim because one blow to the head could cause that to happen then what you gone cause you was afraid to speak on it because of what others think.. they don't have to live your life you do... Don't sit an wait take action NOW... Call your attorney tell them he made you take back your statements and you scared you need to move shiiiiit if you got to change your name do so...

[gmbrutto]

I have been in DV situations. I left my first husband for it and for cheating. Thankfully we had no kids together. First incident I was gone and never looked back. There is no reason for a spouse to lay hands on another spouse in any situation.  We vowed in sickness and health and poverty and wealth not in abuse and battery.  There is no guarantee that if he is hurting you he will not hurt his child. His family and you have accepted his behavior so far. Your family will accept you but they cannot accept you when you participate in accepting his behavior. The change does start from you.  Start with a DV support group and social services. Seek counseling for yourself and reach out to your family once you have started the processes of seeking outside help. You need to protect yourself while you still can and protect your child. Explain your concern to your family and seek support from "going back" to him. Try to evaluate for yourself what keeps you holding on to him and don't let that excuse be your child. Your child doesn't yet know him. Understand the reasons are from within yourself. Be confident and strong. You will gain the respect of your family with each step you take and build your own esteem. I wish you the best. I know its hard. Love can make us crazy but it should never hurt us!

[wayfunmommy]

Contact a DV  support group. Get some help and counseling for your self. If you need help getting on your feet, they can help. Talk to your family. You aren't asking them to forgive him. You aren't really asking them to help you leave him and get him out of your life. They will help you if you are committed to helping your self.
When you go to the DV  support group, they can help put up in touch with an attorney who specializes in family law and DV.  They can advise you of your rights and the proper steps to take considering the laws in your area.

[louuwatson]

After reading everyone's comments,  I'm really trying to think of a way to ask my family for help again. Thank you so much. I'm so sorry about your friend, what a tragedy :/ I hear horrible truths like that all the time, I don't want to end up dead or teach my son that it's okay to mistreat women. I know I need to act on this but I've acted on this before and then gone back. I don't want people to get angry at me for making them clean up my mess again :/

[lela6]

I don't know if you are still reading these but please if he is that ( abusive at all)involve your family if you have too they will always love you. I'm telling you this because I'm 36 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday that my friend during the weekend was killed in a murder suicide by a gutless as****the worst part is she never said anything to anyone.I'm soo upset about all of it she was older but don't put yourself or your baby in a horrible situation

[louuwatson]

I don't think I can ask my family again because I've lied and said I haven't seen him, but my family have forgiven him so many times and he's done the same agin and again, I feel so embarrassed now, especially to my family.  His family know exactly what he did but I think he made excuses to justify what he did, so they think I brought things on myself. I've just messaged my social worker asking for help. It's not about me, it's about my baby. I feel like I'm being unfair on his family, and I'd love for them all to be involved, simply so my child has a father and family,  but I know that my ex will just force me back into a relationship, and I'd be scared to disagree with him. I don't feel like there's a compromise at all. There isn't,  is there? I'd love to give him a chance as a dad, just not as my boyfriend. I don't see him agreeing to that though.

[Skittles_2_1_15]

Girl you got a situation on your hands... I really wish you informed his family about how he is and it's never to late either... Have a talk with his sister also the cop.. Let her know what's going on say he made you retract the reports you made... Tell your attorney you need help he making threats.. tape your calls he makes from jail.. tell the attorney you scared for you and your child like his sister is a cop and he said he would use her to find you...

[Sass508]

Are you sure you can't ask your family for support again?? If they Care about you I'm sure they would do anything to help. especially if you are serious about being done with him. It's so good that you are mature enough to realize that this man is not going to change.

there absolutely is hope for you. Me and other women in my family have stuck by horrible men for way too long but the minute I realized that I couldn't do it anymore my family did everything they could to help and I'm sure yours will too.

[Sass508]

Are you sure you can't ask your family for support again?? If they Care about you I'm sure they would do anything to help. especially if you are serious about being done with him. It's so good that you are mature enough to realize that this man is not going to change.

there absolutely is hope for you. Me and other women in my family have stuck by horrible men for way too long but the minute I realized that I couldn't do it anymore my family did everything they could to help and I'm sure yours will too.

[louuwatson]

Thank you!  I need to hear that more often!

[louuwatson]

Thanks everyone. Most of what you've all said really applies. I know he'd never hurt the baby, but he would hurt me, and he is completely controlling, involving his family was a way of keeping me under wraps while he's in prison.  I'm trying to move home at the moment, but I'm scared that he'll harass my family. His sister's a police officer, and he's even said to me that if I tried to leave him, his sister would find me. I'm having a boy, and I want my son to have his father around, but I'd never be free of my partner/ex partner. I have a social worker involved,  who says that I've aced any assessment they've done, but I haven't mentioned the letters yet. I'm scared that I'm gonna be stuck in this relationship. Idon't think I can rreally get away for good. I don't think moving house, changing phone numbers, or even another restraining order will help. I genuinely don't think I can get away from him. And if I try to get away and fail, things will be even worse :/

[kutie3b]

Girl u need to gon ahead and leave him. Baby or not there would b no way id stay with or even still tlk to a man who abused me. Girl u better get stronger than that. My ex took one time to hit me thats all it took no warning i left and never looked back. Dignity girl use it u know wat ur worth already i dnt have to sit here and tell u

[sweetdrop1234]

I don't agree with the one who talked about loosing your child.  In some cases if the system feel that the child at risk.  But you have to make your own decisions.  If you believe he will be a danger to his baby then keep him away from the baby but who u want to be with is your decision and you have to decide.

[lovingmy24lyffe]

i say leave him and his family you see he still having control over you with his family involved would you rather your baby see you getting beating or better worse he take the baby from you to be spiteful or better yet change that cycle before your child be in the same situation when he/she grow up it's about your child and yourself not him

[joykitten4444]

DV here too.. =0( you need all the support you can get. If he's unhealthy don't really to him. Don't read his letters. Withdrawing true statements is dangerous. Child protective services could investigate and take your child's. Be very careful. They need to see you will do whatever it takes to protect your child.1% of abusers change. One percent. My abusive partners mother warned me about CPS & knows someone who lost their children on xmas eve after ONE domestic violence incident. She went back to him and lost her kids.. he was a predator. That's why it seemed like a fairy tale, too good to be true. Because it was. I know this all too well. Stay strong and positive. You need all the support you can get.

[hayaynik]

I've been in a very abusive relationship before my ex fiancé is now in prison for multiple reasons. In now pregnant with my new boyfriends baby. Even though me an my ex fiancé have talked about working things out an him helping me raise my child it probably would never work. I don't believe prison changes people. He has to change his self an truly want that change . Now my ex fiancés family is involved an very supportive even tho it will not be there grand baby they plan on being apart of the babys life. Its hard when you love someone . But you have to put baby first maybe he will change once you have the baby . Best wishes to you

[louuwatson]

I don't know if that made much sense, there's so much to the story. Ahhh I dunno how to deal with this! !!