WOW! I understand helping family out, but this just seems crazy! I can't believe people would call so often asking for money. That's just nonsense. If you keep saying no, you will feel bad (like you say) and your hubby will probably send money anyways without you knowing and that's another problem. So, I would talk to your hubby and set a REASONABLE limit on what you two can afford to help out his family. In that same conversation, I would also be sure to set aside money for your baby. They are expensive and cost more than you think. And let's not even get started on a college fund.
Then, on the day before you get paid, try calling HIS family and asking THEM for money to help YOU. That might curb some of their requests. Start complaining more about your bills and how much it costs to pay this and that. Be a whinning nelly and they might get the hint.
I am still astonished that his family would dare to ask your parents to send them money. It just makes NO sense to me! That would make me want to call EVERY person in your hubby's family and ask for money. I would start calling their wive's parents asking for money.
Your post is starting to put me in a bad mood - I can't imagine how you feel! (I'm not really in a bad mood, I'm just fustrated that some people are so dumb. You can't fix stupid.)
Honestly i just wrote this huge response for you and when i clicked post. it went to internet connection failure... im soo irritated now!!! grrr
Basics of what I said, is that you have more patients then I do, I would tell them all to shove it.. its your money, you work hard for it, and they are in there 30s, they should have there own money...
Db is the same way, he is very giving!! but I set the rules and bounderies with our money, or we wouldnt have any!! Dbs mom is on welfare and lazy.. so his siblings are always asking for money..i tell DB NO!!!!!!! its not our responsiblity,t hen he feels bad.. i dont give a damn.. they spend it on weed and ciggerettes anyway.. and all his moms spends her money on is cigerettes... I get mad when i find out Db boughtas lil as a 2 liter for them...
Id be so mad if I heard DB say "she cant cause she used the credit card" i woulda been hurt, he shoulda said something along the lines of 'are you kidding, that was a gift" or something
you NEED to set bounderies your its never gonna end...
I could care less what i was called or if people thought I was mean, but theres no reason, your husband should be sending money to people in there 30s. Good luck
My husbands brother was always borrowing money and not returning it. It annoys me to no end but i just put my foot down and said enough was enough and that our family and needs should ALWAYS come first. Maybe you should sit down with your husband and tell him that his family will never learn to stand on their own feet if he keeps helping them. He made the decision to better his life and his family survived before he ever took that leap. Instead of sitting around and asking for money his family should be out doing something to make their own way.
I'm shocked you still deal with it. DH's sister once was asking us for money and our food stamps while I was pregnant and I went mental on her. (We had gotten them for a few months while I was pregnant and we didn't have the money to get the things I could actually keep down) It drove me crazy that she knew this and would actually dare to ask, and that she knew we had a baby on the way and was asking for money she knew we didn't have. They won't learn until you properly tell them, and if they still don't listen then just ignore them. They're grown adults. They don't need to be crawling to family begging for money all the time. They need to learn how to manage their own and get out there and work. Your husband also is making it worse by always giving it to them as well. They know he'll say yes so they keep asking. Sit down with him and be firm about it. When that baby comes you won't be able to be so nice to everyone and he needs to learn this now.
H*ll no i would never send money to greedy ppl like that. WHAT ARE THEY flippin hungry? Or Living OUTSIDE????? From the demands they make it sounds like they could use a lesson or two on proper etiquette. sheesh. You have way more patience then i do. I wouldve changed our phone numbers, or blocked theres already.
Have you tried writing out a budget? Maybe if your husband sees on paper, in black and white, the expenses you need to cover, then sees what he has left over...and what he's wanting to send to his family, maybe that will make it "real" for him.
I've had to do this for the last couple of months for my husband. He was spending money without thinking of anything other than the bills--not thinking of what he was paying to eat out at lunches, or the car maintenance, or our oldest son's school tuition and miscellaneous school costs, or even paying for gas. So he was thinking he'd need $X to pay the bills, and the rest he could just spend however, whenever.
Anyway, long story short--I now make a bi-weekly budget for our finances. Every single expence from paycheck to paycheck. Every single one. I do this on an Excel spreadsheet.
So if we order something from a dollar menu for fast food, that price is not ignored in the budget. It gets calculated in to the spreadsheet as soon as I have access to it again.
Just as an example of our budget, our paydays are on the same days bi-weekly, and let's say we get $1600 (just an example) for the first two weeks of the month. We have two kids, a dog and a cat, small birds, a home, two cars, cell phones and internet, student and car loans, etc. So here goes-- $400 for mortgage, $500 for oldest son's school tuition, $130 for car insurance, $150 for two weeks of groceries and baby food, $20 for diapers, $15 for pet food, $150 for cell phones, $60 for internet, an average of $175 for utilities...you get the picture. All that right there is *exactly* $1600. And all that right there does NOT include putting gas in the cars or any extra or emergency costs that come up--you know, all it takes is some crazy thing like your plumbing in your house exploding and you're needing an extra $400 to make the repairs, for example. Or some medical issue comes up that has a deductible of $200. Then what?
It's critical that you build up savings for these reasons. ANY extra money that you guys have from this point forward should go into a savings account that can accrue interest. It should NOT be going to family members who can't earn their own living and don't even appreciate what they get from you.
I think you can tell this to your husband without feeling guilty, because it's simply the facts. He has a wife a child to care for now...you two should come first and there should be NO guilt associated with that for him. His family needs to make their own living and quite being so oblivious and insensitive to him and you and your family. What are they going to tell him when your baby comes? "Take your baby's diapers, clothes and toys back to the store so you can send money to us!"
Yeah...that'll go over REAL well. Then again, maybe that'll be what it takes for him to wake up and not feel so guilty, when they tell him to put their selfish desires above his own child's needs.
I have a friend whose parents are like this! kinda. My friends brother is in this late twenties. He was always in the wrong crowd and is parents always bailed him out. He will punch his car or crash them while drunk or what not and they will be like oh ok well we'll get you a new one you need a car! he also as a 4 yo son who his parents take care of on the weekend and his little sister and the boys moms parents take car of on the weekdays! i remember a day that he was asked to babysit his child! thats not babysitting that parenting!
thats off topic but you get the point as others have stated it too. ur dh needs to talk to them bc if he keeps helping them they are never gonna grow up and learn and they are gonna bwe asking for money for their families. which isn't his responsibility. a sibling should never have to take care another sibling is that sibling is capable of taking care of themself.
like amanda said you have a lot more patients then me!
Amanda: Yeah girl i have never dealt with people who ask for money like they do! Its ridiculous, his family is the reason i refused to name my son my husbands brothers name LOL! I just cant stand how they are! My husband and i have a joint account, so i would know if he sends money behind my back lol. I make sure i know what goes in and outta that bank account...i had to because of his family. His brothers told my husband "You married into the right family!" Like we are effing rich or something! It ticks me off! My dad is retired Navy and my mother is an RN! By no means are my parents rich lol! They make a good living, but they work hard for their money. His brothers are all older than him, they should send him money! My older brother sends me money LOL but only for birthdays or special occasions! God forbid they should find out my brother is a cardiologist! They'd be blowing HIS phone up! LMAO i would call his family and tell them i need money BUT most of them dont even speak english!
Ammanda: I know what you mean...i would get so angry and not talk to my husband if he'd send money without telling me first! He learned his lesson when he sent money to his family leaving us with $11.90 in our joint account and i DIDNT deposit my check into the account LMAO! I deposited it into my savings account! He had to ask me for money! He never did it again! And yeah i was upset when he said he couldnt return it because i used my credit card...i wish he wouldve said, no i wont return it or something like that, but no...hes still on ignore mode as we speak LOL! Ive been ignoring his calls today.
Malia: I have tried to talk to him about it, but it seems like its not getting in his head. Ive explained how babies are expensive and how much diapers are going to cost us, but he always says "we have money..." or "you dont know what its like to not have money growing up" Which is BS my parents both grew up poor! I know what its like to be broke and having to ask for money...but i always paid my parents back lol!
Clysta: I am shocked too LOL! I love my husband and i knew from the beginning that his family comes along with him...i just didnt know they DEPEND on him! It su*ks tho, it really does. Ive asked my husband not to send money and he does say no when i tell him to but next payday...they are asking again and im saying no again lol. Its like we can say no numerous times but they wont stop asking. Its frustrating.
Julia: Hahahaha i have no idea! He tells me his family is poor, yet his brothers wife went to Australia a couple weeks ago to see her family...WTF!?! Makes no sense! I see pictures of them on facebook eating out at restaurants and taking "field trips" and im like...UGH they dont look poor to me! I told my husband he needs to stop sending them money because ill be d*mned if we go broke and i have no food to eat to feed our baby! He changed his number but he is a mamas boy and his mother gave his number to his uncles.
AHP84: Its funny you should mention the spreadsheet LOL because i do the spreadsheet as well! And i showed him how to do it too lol! We both are able to see how much we're getting paid before our payday and i add the two together and i we do the spreadsheet together. I have to make him realize that just because we have money left over doesnt mean he can give it away or spend it on dumb stuff because something usually comes up...like him getting a flat tire this past weekend...i dont mind him having to buy something for lunch because God forbid that man should cook something to eat lol. But im slowly trying to hammer it in his head that a baby isnt cheap.
wannabeamama: Id understand if it were his little brother asking for money, but hes the little brother lol. His older brothers dont even feel like what theyre doing is wrong. They walk all over him and make him feel guilty and i have to remind my husband...they are in their 30's with wives and children! We are newly weds, with loans and a new baby on the way! His family just makes me so angry, i wouldnt mind cutting them off completely, but my husband is so family oriented that he'd never do it lol.
Everyone in my family knows better...lol. If they do borrower money from me they have sign a legal contract...lol... with terms of repayment. So, I am the last person anyone would take advantage of. You guys should do the same if they need to "borrow" money that is fine, but they better being paying you back in a timely manner. I learned my lesson the hard way with this one.
Family is family and I am sure if someone were in desparate need you would be happy to help. But, your husband is enabling people who are just as capable of working hard as the two of you are... and they are happily taking advantage.
Would these relatives be there for the two of you if you needed money?
Elle if I were you I would have one account for your bills that you both contribute to, savings you both put money in together... and separate checking accounts for spending. That way if he chooses to spend his leasure money on his family that is his choice and it won't affect other aspects of your finances. My husband and I have done this since day one because we are both super controlling.... and would for sure fight about what each other spent on what...lol.
Ok - if my brother sent me a ton of money all the time, I would name my kid after him too. However, if my brother was a loser (which he is), I would NEVER name my kid after him!
Next, learn to speak their language, but only learn how to ask for money. Seriously, it will make them mad.
And now that I know your brother is a cardiologist, that does mean you must be full of money. Can you send me some? Can I have your brother's phone number so I can call him and ask for some more money? My car has a scratch on it and I would like for you pay for a new paint job. Besides, white looks terrible on my 22 year old car! :) If you send it to me, I will at least be nice and say thank you!
Hi Heather! LOL that is too funny with signing a contract! id do that, but they live in New Zealand lol. I know for a fact that they would not send us money if we needed it. My husband is stubborn and when we do hit a rough patch he asks me to not ask my parents. We've been doing pretty good so far...aside from the extra cost his brother put us in! We are still paying off the bill he ran up and i know he will never give us the money for that. We sorta have separate accounts. I take $250 from every paycheck i get and deposit it into my savings with Navy Fed, the rest goes into our joint account for bills. I rarely ever touch my savings unless its an emergency. Im saving up for when i take maternity leave. Ive been saving since i first found out i was pregnant. My husband dare not ask me for any of it either LOL!
Amanda: LMAO! I was thinking of naming him after my brother, but i know my brothers fiance might one day become pregnant and want to name their son after him. I was robbed of that because his brother named his son after my husband "/
"Can i have some money" was one of the terms in samoan that i learned pretty quick! Mai sau tupe! ((The T is pronounced as a k...weird i know lol)) lol thats how you say it.
hahaha yeah hes got money! I went to visit him last year in Cali and i was effing amazed at him and his GFs condo! Its so pretty...definitely looks like a bachelor pad ((she moved in with him)) but the lay out it really nice. He has a bar in there and a whole pantry only for junk food! LOL! I quickly gained like 10lbs just being there.
Don't you guys watch Suze Orman?! DO NOT LEND MONEY TO ANYONE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! Not even FAMILY! All it does it cause problems and they keep coming back for more.
My husband and I have never lent anyone money, and we actually have never even been asked. We will never even co-sign a loan for our children when they get older. If you want something, PAY FOR IT YOURSELF or you don't get it at all!
I can't even imagine my family asking me for money...I'd stop talking to them, period. They do not love you guys and are only using you. Why keep them around?!
Lol i agree g8r grl! I rarely lend money to anyone, except my sisters and its usually like $20 or something. But his family is ridiculous...i do see that we are being used, im just not sure if he sees it! I can live without them, im just not sure if he can.
I agree about not lending someone money, but if my son needed a co signer i dont think I could tell him no...
Well one time we asked my husband's brother and his wife for $15 for gas to visit family (we were all going out there together and not getting paid until the next day)...they said no and then went and bought $30 of food at McDonalds. no big deal, it's their money, we budgeted poorly...our bad. A little irritating since it's only $15 but not a huge problem.
THEN they run up a $700 phone bill and ask to pay for it when they've charged it to credit and are afraid of owing more interest. UM SORRY NO. You wouldn't lend us $15, and we avoid having a credit card to stay out of debt. if you feel like you can spend ridiculously, have 3 cards for a 2-driver family, a bigger house than you can afford, and eat out 6 out of 7 days of the week...you can dig your own holes and find your own d*mned way out.
Then later our BIL came to live with us for a week when he and his wife were planning on a divorce. We didn't see a penny despite putting him up and paying for his food for all of his meals and me sending him with food to work since he was going ot be getting a divorce and needed to save his money.
family can be obnoxious. I'd just turn my phone off the day before payday and keep it off until a few days later. anyone needing money from you will have to find it elsewhere. in their own paychecks, mayhaps?!
your kids are different ammanda. if my kids ever need something I will help them if they are responsible with their money.
well i said that cause someone stated that they wouldnt even help there own kids
i agree. though you have to becarefull how you work that with your kids! my mom is a flat out plan B!tch. When my sister was like 20 she saved 1000 dollars for a are and my mom paid 2000 for her to get a brand new car. When i called her the other day and asked if she was willing to do the same for me. She flat out said no! Me and df have a car but it's taking sh!t and it's the car that had been handed down from my eldst sister. It just makes me so mad! she use to pay my eldest sisters phone bill when she couldn't but she'd never do that for us.
my sister loaned me money to get a part for my car when it broke BUT we got paid the NEXT day AND at the time I was driving HER kids where they needed to go bc hers was broken down.
I made the comment about lending money to your children--if they're responsible and have careers and are educated--then, yes, lend them money because they're good for it.
It causes problems between siblings and many people seem to think that they don't have to pay their parents back. I know of at least 4 families that co-signed loans for their children and now their credit scores are in the 600s or lower because the kids didn't pay the loans and the collectors come after the parents! I got my BA, my MS, and work my butt off to keep my great credit score and have everything I need...NO ONE is going to mess that up for me!
Bottom line--People who borrow money rarely pay it back. They have no intention to do so! They know they'll just ask for more if they need it.
This is a sore subject for me. I should stay out of these posts. I work hard and take pride in saving and spending wisely...but then there are always the families in front of me at the grocery store buying two packs of $18.00 each babyback ribs with their Foodstamp debit card. Ugh.
You are a SAINT for not killing them! OMG I am fuming mad about it and they aren't even my family. I am SO sorry you are dealing with this but I hope you never feel guilty or mean for putting your foot down about it bc you are 100% right!
OK, your inlaws are monsters. But, I think you need to talk to your husband. Why is he comfortable with going broke instead of building a future for your family?
They are so clearly taking advantage of him. Maybe he doesn't realize it, or is too afraid to "hurt" them or ... I really don't know. But, I do know: He shouldn't be putting this decision all on your shoulders.
It's his family, and his problem. And as his wife, you should be supporting him handling the problem. That's ideal -> but this situation is broken.
Can you figure out his motivation for enabling his family this way? Then you can begin painting a picture of reality and nudge HIM in the right direction.
The only way to get the calls to stop is in your husband. They won't stop as long as they feel like they have an ear in him.
Funniest thing about the legal contract thing is that I type them up making it look all legal... and they think I have my attorney do it... but really it's just me otherwise they wouldn't take it seriously. This all started because I gave my sister $1000 to help her pay her rent. I told her she could take her time in paying me back you know $100 here $50 there.... I never saw one attempt not one at that $1000 a bonus from a deal I worked about a month or two on at work.... so I am still mad about it.