OT--How do you say no w/o feeling like a meanie?

[HaYnSweetie]

Normal people look forward to paydays, me on the other hand dread paydays! I mean yes i love getting paid, BUT i always know my husbands phone will be ringing non-stop throughout the day. His family calls us all the time for money! Especially his moms brothers! He is the youngest of 4 and his brothers who are 30, 32 & 34 are coonstantly calling us for money. Before we moved in together he was always sending money to his family which would leave him dirt broke! I usually paid for everything when we went out or bought him things he needed for work...like work shirts or new uniform pants, socks etc. Well now that we are married and have a baby on the way i have been puting my foot down! He tells me his uncle or brother calls and all i say is "how much are they asking for THIS time!?" Then he asks me if its ok if he sends some money...my usual response is..."we have a baby on the way, we cant afford to keep supporting YOUR family." He once told me that his uncles told his mom to tell him not to get married because he wont be sending any more money to them! Like seriously WTF!?! They told his mom that he joined the military to support her and the family, not run off and start his own! Everytime i think about this i get so angry and when i see them calling my husbands phone i just want to push ignore, but i dont. I just give my husband the "dont EVEN ask me" face. They know we just got married, we are expecting a baby and yet they still never hesitate to call for money! Last month his uncle called to remind my husband that his birthday was coming up...i could give a rats a** about his birthday, but i went with my husband to buy him a gift to send anyway. We bought him a digital camera and some new shoes like he had asked for. Well when he got the box he called my husband and said "what no money? its my birthday!" UGH i was so angry i just left the room! Then we find out the shoes werent for him they were for his new girlfriends son! And the camera...he broke instantly and then had the nerve to ask for a new one! I told my husband h*ll NO!

Well this morning before either of us got up for work his brother calls asking for money...the one that was here for our wedding...my husband told him he'll call back because he was going to talk to me first and i heard his brother say "youre the man, you dont have to ask her anything!" Yes i was getting ready to grab that phone and cuss him out! Not only did he run up our phone/cable bill to $488, but now hes asking for money AGAIN! When he was here, he made international calls to New Zealand and come to find out he ordered 10 pay per view p0rn movies on our tv while everyone was sleeping that cost $12.99/movie! I was so angry because my husband tried to hide it from me so i wouldnt get mad at his brother! I told my husband that he shouldnt hide things because i ALWAYS find out! THEN his other brother that lives in Samoa calls not even 5 minutes later asking if we could "help" pay part of his airfare to New Zealand...im already angry at this point so my husband tells his brother we dont have the money because we just did all our Christmas shopping. His brother then says "take back the PS3 your wife bought you and send me the money!" I didnt say anything...i just stared at the wall, i could feel my face getting hot from being so angry! My husband told him he cant cause i bought it with my credit card then he says "cant you ask her parents for money?! Or tell your father in law to sell 1 of the 5 cars he has sitting in his driveway!"
At this point i am cussing up a storm! How dare he even ask my husband to ask my parents for money! Who gives a crap if they have money, they too have bills!
My husband has such a good heart and he is always willing to give even if he doesnt have much, so its hard for him to say no to his family but enough is enough!

Have any of you dealt with something like this? And how do you say no without feeling like the bad guy? Sometimes i tell my husband "ok, i guess you can send them money" if i know we have some extra money, but when i do say no i feel so guilty...not because we didnt send money, but the look on my husbands face makes me feel so bad. I just dont know what to do anymore.

[ammanda]

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly i just wrote this huge response for you and when i clicked post. it went to internet connection failure... im soo irritated now!!! grrr

Basics of what I said, is that you have more patients then I do, I would tell them all to shove it.. its your money, you work hard for it, and they are in there 30s, they should have there own money...

Db is the same way, he is very giving!! but I set the rules and bounderies with our money, or we wouldnt have any!!  Dbs mom is on welfare and lazy.. so his siblings are always asking for money..i tell DB NO!!!!!!! its not our responsiblity,t hen he feels bad.. i dont give a damn.. they spend it on weed and ciggerettes anyway.. and all his moms spends her money on is cigerettes... I get mad when i find out Db boughtas lil as a 2 liter for them...

Id be so mad if I heard DB say "she cant cause she used the credit card" i woulda been hurt, he shoulda said something along the lines of 'are you kidding, that was a gift" or something

you NEED to set bounderies your its never gonna end...

I could care less what i was called or if people thought I was mean, but theres no reason, your husband should be sending money to people in there 30s.  Good luck

[amandamae1126]

WOW! I understand helping family out, but this just seems crazy! I can't believe people would call so often asking for money. That's just nonsense. If you keep saying no, you will feel bad (like you say) and your hubby will probably send money anyways without you knowing and that's another problem. So, I would talk to your hubby and set a REASONABLE limit on what you two can afford to help out his family. In that same conversation, I would also be sure to set aside money for your baby. They are expensive and cost more than you think. And let's not even get started on a college fund.

Then, on the day before you get paid, try calling HIS family and asking THEM for money to help YOU. That might curb some of their requests. Start complaining more about your bills and how much it costs to pay this and that. Be a whinning nelly and they might get the hint.

I am still astonished that his family would dare to ask your parents to send them money. It just makes NO sense to me! That would make me want to call EVERY person in your hubby's family and ask for money. I would start calling their wive's parents asking for money.

Your post is starting to put me in a bad mood - I can't imagine how you feel! (I'm not really in a bad mood, I'm just fustrated that some people are so dumb. You can't fix stupid.)