This is my first pregnancy. Even typing those words freaks me out. I have PTSD and as it were only remembered that a few days ago (this should indicate the level of shock I am from being pregnant...yes I know where babies come from so it's not that type of shock:)
I have been to the Doctor's, but failed to mention my condition as the Doctor was freaking me out with her 1000's of questions and somewhat condescending attitude towards my responses to some of those questions. It's fine though. She is just doing her job.
My problem is this. I am reading all these articles on PTSD and pregnancy and it seems like there is a chance of attachment issues between mother and child. I was always concerned that if I got pregnant I would not bond with my child. I usually think babies are disgusting and the act of child birth freaks me out and causes severe anxiety. Breastfeeding is insane to me even though I am fully aware of how imprortant it is to do. With my last boyfriend he wanted children with me so badly and I wanted to have a child and leave it on his front door step so he would leave me alone and he could have his child and I could be free of his weird obsession with procreating.
I cry several times a day while I'm driving in between my appointments. I'm scared to tell my parents or my boss (which is somewhat ridiculous since I am 28 and have a masters degree and a great job) but for mulitple reasons I feel like I might as well be 13 and trampy that is how much shame and disgust I feel for being pregnant. I quit smoking and caffeine and all the other random crap you are supposed to quit. I am going through the motions, but I hate everything. I can't think of one thing I like about myself.
I am not the kind of woman who would normally even post something for fear of being caught, but I am a mess and living in a new area away from all my friends and family and I just want to know if there are any other women who have PTSD and are or have been pregnant that can offer any advice. I miss liking myself and feeling secure and confident with my decisions. I wish I could be the kind of woman who was excited. My sisters are so excited and I think they are fools. If they knew how over the edge I was they would not be happy about this. I sort of need advice while I am figuring out whether my insurance will cover counseling (which clearly I need).