Things NOT to say to someone who has miscarried

[amn702]

I decided to post this, because I am still dealing with my loss and am having an extremely difficult time with it. Battling depression, anxiety, lack of enjoyment of anything at all... And I know people have good intentions when trying to comfort you and counsel you after you have lost a baby, but some of the things they say are hurtful. Again, I know most people don't mean to hurt you, they just aren't sure what to say. This list is compiled of things people have said to me and also some things I have seen online or heard from other friends who have lost babies.

-At least you weren't that far along. (It doesn't matter how far along you were, a loss is a loss and it still hurts!)

-God will give you a baby when it's your time. (You WANTED that baby. Maybe you will have another baby later, but you wanted THAT one, and it doesn't help to hear "it wasn't your time")

-At least you know you CAN get pregnant. (Maybe so, but what if I never get pregnant again? Or even if I do, it doesn't minimize the life of the baby that I lost. That was MY baby.)

-Miscarriages are very common, it's happened to almost everyone. (Maybe it has, but it is very new and painful to me.)

-I had a miscarriage too so I know exactly how you feel. (I am so sorry that you had to deal with a loss too, but you don't know EXACTLY how I feel just like I don't know EXACTLY how you feel. Everyone deals with it differently.)

-There was probably something wrong with it anyway. (It doesn't matter to me...this was my baby and I don't care what kind of problems he or she may have had.)

-You'll get pregnant again, and if you don't you can always adopt. (I very well and hopefully will get pregnant again... but I might not. And yes, adoption is a great thing, but it doesn't make the loss of my baby any less real.)

-Nature takes care of her mistakes. (Mistake???? Excuse me?????)

-At least you were early, I carried my baby full term then she/he died. (I am very sorry that happened to you, but it doesn't mean your loss is "more sad" than mine.)

-Give it some time, you'll be alright. (This one is pretty self explanatory.)

-You're young, you have plenty of time. (Yes I may be 25 years old. But I am ready in every way and why does it matter how old you are? I wanted that baby at the time he or she was due.)

-Next time everything will be fine. (It might not be.)

-It's not the end of the world. (It sure feels like it to me. ...and yes, someone actually said this to me)

-So you needed a WHOLE week off from work? (Someone actually said this to me...and yes I did need that time because I had to have TWO d&c procedures done. I STILL came back to work before I was ready.)

-At least this was your first time, I've had 3 (or however many) miscarriages. (Again, I am very sorry you have had to deal with these losses, but it still doesn't make this any more real and sad for me.)



There are many more I just can't think of right now. I know people just don't know what to say so they say whatever comes to mind, but please think carefully before you say something like this to someone. You may mean well, but your words can be very hurtful. The person going through the loss is probably dealing with a lot of pain and emotions and can feel very alone. Thanks for reading, everyone.

[amn702]

I would never wish a miscarriage on anyone, that was just a typo.

[amn702]

THAT SHOULD READ DOES NOT EXPERIENCE A MISCARRIAGE.

I DID NOT MEAN TO TYPE I HOPE YOU EXPERIENCE ONE. IT SHOULD READ I HOPE YOU *DON'T* EXPERIENCE A MISCARRIAGE.

[amn702]

This is the opposite reason of why I came to this site to begin with. I hope that you or anyone you know/love experiences a miscarriage. I especially hope that if you or anyone you know DOES experience a miscarriage, that they are given more support, encouragement, respect, and just plain kindness than what some have shown here. I am officially finished with this thread and I'm sorry I ever counted on anyone for support.

Thank you to all the ladies who have been very supportive.

[cjappert]

what exactly want nice out of the things I said?

[amn702]

again, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

[amn702]

Thank you to those who are standing up for the wounded and hurting. It shouldn't be hurtful to tell someone they don't know exactly how you feel. It doesn't matter if you fill a room with 100 people who have lost a baby, no one knows exactly how anyone feels but themselves. No two people are the same and no two people experience pain the same way. It is nice to say you are sorry for what happened. To the lady that had a late miscarriage, I am so sorry for all of your losses, that is so sad and I hate that you've had to deal with those losses. But still, to you the later loss may have been more painful, but everyone is different and whether your loss occurs at  4 weeks or 40 weeks, it is still an awful thing and affects everyone differently. I'm so sorry for you and everyone else that has had to experience the pain of losing a baby at any stage. And also...I don't appreciate being told I'm "taking everything negatively" when I posted this trying to help myself and others who have lost babies and also to help others know that although they mean well, their words may be hurtful. I got back on here bc I was reconsidering taking a break from here... and I decided I'm not going to let a few people determine what I do. So rather than leave the site, I will remove myself from those who affect me negatively. So as I was always told growing up, if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all. I came here for support, not negativity. Thanks again to all the ladies who ARE supportive and sensitive.