Things NOT to say to someone who has miscarried

[amn702]

I decided to post this, because I am still dealing with my loss and am having an extremely difficult time with it. Battling depression, anxiety, lack of enjoyment of anything at all... And I know people have good intentions when trying to comfort you and counsel you after you have lost a baby, but some of the things they say are hurtful. Again, I know most people don't mean to hurt you, they just aren't sure what to say. This list is compiled of things people have said to me and also some things I have seen online or heard from other friends who have lost babies.

-At least you weren't that far along. (It doesn't matter how far along you were, a loss is a loss and it still hurts!)

-God will give you a baby when it's your time. (You WANTED that baby. Maybe you will have another baby later, but you wanted THAT one, and it doesn't help to hear "it wasn't your time")

-At least you know you CAN get pregnant. (Maybe so, but what if I never get pregnant again? Or even if I do, it doesn't minimize the life of the baby that I lost. That was MY baby.)

-Miscarriages are very common, it's happened to almost everyone. (Maybe it has, but it is very new and painful to me.)

-I had a miscarriage too so I know exactly how you feel. (I am so sorry that you had to deal with a loss too, but you don't know EXACTLY how I feel just like I don't know EXACTLY how you feel. Everyone deals with it differently.)

-There was probably something wrong with it anyway. (It doesn't matter to me...this was my baby and I don't care what kind of problems he or she may have had.)

-You'll get pregnant again, and if you don't you can always adopt. (I very well and hopefully will get pregnant again... but I might not. And yes, adoption is a great thing, but it doesn't make the loss of my baby any less real.)

-Nature takes care of her mistakes. (Mistake???? Excuse me?????)

-At least you were early, I carried my baby full term then she/he died. (I am very sorry that happened to you, but it doesn't mean your loss is "more sad" than mine.)

-Give it some time, you'll be alright. (This one is pretty self explanatory.)

-You're young, you have plenty of time. (Yes I may be 25 years old. But I am ready in every way and why does it matter how old you are? I wanted that baby at the time he or she was due.)

-Next time everything will be fine. (It might not be.)

-It's not the end of the world. (It sure feels like it to me. ...and yes, someone actually said this to me)

-So you needed a WHOLE week off from work? (Someone actually said this to me...and yes I did need that time because I had to have TWO d&c procedures done. I STILL came back to work before I was ready.)

-At least this was your first time, I've had 3 (or however many) miscarriages. (Again, I am very sorry you have had to deal with these losses, but it still doesn't make this any more real and sad for me.)



There are many more I just can't think of right now. I know people just don't know what to say so they say whatever comes to mind, but please think carefully before you say something like this to someone. You may mean well, but your words can be very hurtful. The person going through the loss is probably dealing with a lot of pain and emotions and can feel very alone. Thanks for reading, everyone.

[aly_e]

Im sorry for ur loss. It sounds like u want ppl to say nothing at all to u. Some of those can b percieved as insensitive but the others are ppl just trying to console u. Im just saying... i know this is a tough time for u and i pray things get better for u. And i mean that.

[Mommyjeep11]

People can be very cruel and not even know it. When I had my miscarriages my own mother was the worst. She knew my husband and I had been trying for a baby and every word that came out her mouth was something on your list. I wanted to slap her. But instead I avoided her until I could be around her without do that lol. She had never had a miscarriage and I had 3 almost back to back. She had no idea what I was going through or how they affected me. And she wanted was another grand baby. Even though it's been almost 2 years since my first mc I still remember when we found out we were expecting, when we found out we lost the baby, and what my due date would have been and those days are very painful no matter how much time has passed. I lost babies that I loved, planned for and wanted more than anything. And the way I grieve and deal with the loss is completely different than how someone else would handle it. I sometimes find my self getting upset with my sister in law who had a blighted ovum because she makes her loss out to be so much more than mine but I have to remember that even though there wasn't a baby there she still thought there was and that makes it just as real as the loss of my babies.

[Missadawn]

I'm not sure if this is a possibility for you but I had a miscarriage in June and everything you said above was told to me. It's very frustrating. It feels like you can't morn or be sad for your loss. Because there isn't a body for others to see they don't get your sadness. So my husband and I went away to a B&B for the weekend. Shut off our phones and mourned our babies death. We went to this nice winery with a beautiful river that ran by it and at sunset picked a flower for every week of our babies life with us in my belly and sent them down the river with thoughts and prayers of that journey. I don't know if it will help you but it at least gave me some closure. It's such a hard thing to go threw. I understand.

[louisekirby]

im sorry this happened to u. i know exactly how u feel my BEST friend said to me when i lost my baby at least u know u can have kids i wanted to slap her i just couldnt believe she would say that to me. people can be so insensitive. x

[momabear86]

I think you should take it how it is meant to be, a token of sympathy. I'd rather someone try to console me with rubbish than sit in awkward silence.

[Babyiish]

I had a miscarriage to and it was early in my pregnancy at 6 weeks......

I did tell my mom I though I was pregnant she wasn't really happy I don't know why......
I'm married and have two kids same men
His responsible treats me good

Anyways I didn't tell any body other than my husband that I had a misscarage because I didn't want no body telling me how sorry they were
I even feel a little resentment against my mom 
I feel like she gave me bad luck....
She was at the hospital when she said this .... She said something else I would never forget......

There's one thing I got to say if your gonna post .....
"I had a miscarriage" on this site it because you want people to tell you how sorry they are or share their story with you...
Your right...
I don't know how you feel and I never will.....

But I do know how awful I felt when I lost my baby 
I was really sad & depress
Couldn't stop crying ...wondering what I did wrong ....I felt like this
for more than one month because this was the first time I really really wanted to get pregnant

I would of had my baby in January 2012

I'm really happy now 
I'm 27 weeks today
Due june 2012

Best wishes
Take care
Xxxxx

[cjappert]

so what would you like people to tell you? I had a stillbirth and was told many of these things.they tried to make me feel better, and I appreciate that.they didn't know how I felt,and I didn't expect them to, but at least they tried.

[buggie216]

Yeah...sounds like you dont want anyone to say anything...most of those were people trying to console you...lots of us on here are having a very difficult time i know im dealing with way more than i want to right now ...if you dont want to hear comments...good bad or indifferent...then i wouldnt post your business...just because a comment doesnt comfort you doesnt mean it wont help the next poster that may need to hear those things to feel better...maybe your post should have read...things not to say to YOU after a miscarriage...

[smiley_one]

My friend has a miscarriage the other night and I had no idea what to say to her. I knew she was so upset, and it broke my heart when she told me, but I honestly had no idea what to tell her to comfort her because I did not want to offend her. Thankfully I didn't say any of the things that you mentioned. I'm currently pregnant and she kept telling me to cherish my little one and I started crying because I was so heartbroken that she was having to go through this and I know it is going to make her even sadder when my baby shower comes up. Does anyone know what I should say or do if she gets upsets when I see her next?

[amn702]

well thanks to the people who are actually understanding, I really appreciate your ideas and encouragement as well as your true sympathy during the most difficult time in my life. I am so sorry for those of you who have also lost a baby or babies. I pray for your healing!

...as for the rest of you, I came here for support, not criticism. A simple "I am sorry" goes a long way and that has been the most comforting thing I have heard when telling people I had miscarried. It is hurtful to hear comments like, at least you weren't that far along... It is not that I don't want people to say ANYTHING, I just want people to think before they speak and as I said before a simple "I'm sorry" means more than any other comment. It is also very hurtful to hear, "if you don't want anyone to say something then don't post your business"... that was really a rude thing to say. This website is supposed to be where we can all come for support and encouragement, not to be reprimanded for the way we grieve and deal with our baby dying. I can see that this obviously isn't where I need to come for understanding and support from now on.

Again, thank you to the ladies who have been kind to me on this site. I may revisit this site at a later time, but I am going to go off for a while, because it makes dealing with the loss even worse when people are insensitive, especially on a site where I thought I could receive positive support and encouragement. Thanks.

[Rachel_croft]

If you don't want sympathy, than why tell anyone that you had a miscarriage? I've had two miscarriages one in my first trimester and one in my second trimester and I can say for a fact that it is way harder to deal with the farther along you are, because you are least expectant for your child to die.  

[cjappert]

we're just trying to explain to you that people mean well.maybe they don't say the right thing but its hard for them as well.its a situation that purple don't go through a lot so the words are hard to find.maybe its a good idea that you take time off this site until you're ready to hear peoples advice instead of taking everything so negatively.

[chantelleAlyce]

She's not saying she doesn't want sympathy for the loss of her child she is saying hurtful comments like the ones she posted hurts her feelings. And a simple I am sorry, is better then any of that. As she sais she came here for support not judgement. She lost her baby , shouldnt we all be saying nice and not posting harsh comments. This is a hard time in her life.

Amn702- I am truely sorry for your loss it is a very hard and sad time, and no matter how long goes by there is still that whole in your heart where someone is missing :( I had a stillborn baby boy and I got a lot of those comments, mum was in Bali when it happened and got back and I got everything, maybe he wasn't healthy, maybe it wasn't his time, maybe you wernt ready and you should be focussing on Connor (my other son) . My sister even had a fight with me 3 days after it because I was crying and sitting on the couch not feeling up to doing anything, she said you can't cry over it forever things happen your neglecting your son and she wouldn't even call him by his name . It had been 3 days and my son was fed , looked after just I wasn't happily running around playing with him. Iv had a lot of harsh comments from a lot of people, in saying that I had a lot of good support too. Iv learnt to realize people just don't understand because they simply wernt attatched to the baby.

[Babyiish]

I think it's a little hurtful when you say that we dont know how you feel....

I have posted  "I know how you feel" to make people feel better and I never thought I was offending anybody till now....
It's hard to share our experience with other people cuz it's like we are reliving the whole thing all over again.....
But we do it cuz we want you and everyone to know how our experience and pain was similar to yours
And maybe just maybe by us sharing our experience with you would make you or some one else  feel better

I know their a lot of mixed feeling 
Confusion, anger and disappointment etc.
After a mc
But we have all over come this in some way or another
So we are hoping to help you or anyone who has recently suffered a mc

[june282012]

After my second miscarriage, I found this saying that I still share with anyone who gives me grief about being sad about a miscarriage "what the heart has known and felt, it can never lose"...sending you lots of luck and super sticky baby dust!

[Ldkalleck]

I made a note very similar to this on Facebook for my friends and family after my miscarriage last year. I got a lot of the "you're young" and"it just wasn't the right time." I also got the "at least you have one healthy baby." I don't think people mean any harm, but it's definitely heartbreaking. We want those babies. To us, they're already ours. We need time to grieve and we need support. I was lucky enough to have a fantastic husband who, although he hadn't experienced the near death physical experience (seriously, I lost so much blood I had a transfusion) he knew what I was going through emotionally. We both got tattoos for our angel. Passing the due date was hard, but we're expecting again and hopeful. But we'll never stop thinking about our lost baby.

[Ayanami]

Amen! no one knows what I'm going thru.  Even if you lost a baby too, your lose is different than mine.  My second miscarriage was actually a blighted ovum and I was told "well at least it wasn't a real baby" :( but it was to me!!! My personal choice for a miscarriage is "leave me the hell alone. I'm not talking about it with you"  a bit harsh I know, but its extremely personal.  Hold me while I cry, lay around and watch tv with me, do grocery store runs for me but don't try to rationalize what has happened.

[amn702]

Thank you to those who are standing up for the wounded and hurting. It shouldn't be hurtful to tell someone they don't know exactly how you feel. It doesn't matter if you fill a room with 100 people who have lost a baby, no one knows exactly how anyone feels but themselves. No two people are the same and no two people experience pain the same way. It is nice to say you are sorry for what happened. To the lady that had a late miscarriage, I am so sorry for all of your losses, that is so sad and I hate that you've had to deal with those losses. But still, to you the later loss may have been more painful, but everyone is different and whether your loss occurs at  4 weeks or 40 weeks, it is still an awful thing and affects everyone differently. I'm so sorry for you and everyone else that has had to experience the pain of losing a baby at any stage. And also...I don't appreciate being told I'm "taking everything negatively" when I posted this trying to help myself and others who have lost babies and also to help others know that although they mean well, their words may be hurtful. I got back on here bc I was reconsidering taking a break from here... and I decided I'm not going to let a few people determine what I do. So rather than leave the site, I will remove myself from those who affect me negatively. So as I was always told growing up, if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all. I came here for support, not negativity. Thanks again to all the ladies who ARE supportive and sensitive.

[amn702]

again, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

[cjappert]

what exactly want nice out of the things I said?

[amn702]

This is the opposite reason of why I came to this site to begin with. I hope that you or anyone you know/love experiences a miscarriage. I especially hope that if you or anyone you know DOES experience a miscarriage, that they are given more support, encouragement, respect, and just plain kindness than what some have shown here. I am officially finished with this thread and I'm sorry I ever counted on anyone for support.

Thank you to all the ladies who have been very supportive.

[amn702]

THAT SHOULD READ DOES NOT EXPERIENCE A MISCARRIAGE.

I DID NOT MEAN TO TYPE I HOPE YOU EXPERIENCE ONE. IT SHOULD READ I HOPE YOU *DON'T* EXPERIENCE A MISCARRIAGE.

[amn702]

I would never wish a miscarriage on anyone, that was just a typo.

[MamaBear0612]

I'm not sure if I want to get in the middle of this. I haven't lost a baby, and I'm sincerely sorry for those of you who have, I can't imagine the pain you must have gone through. But I did lose my brother, best friend, raised like a twin to me, which was a catastrophic loss for, the type of loss you never really recover from...and I always hated when people told me "I'm sorry." I used to wonder, sorry for what? sarcastically. Like sorry could ever bring him back or make anything better. Makes me wonder if there really is anything anybody could say that's the right thing to say when somebody experiences a loss. 15 years later, I recognize that all those people were just trying to help, and that my reaction was born of pain...I wanted him back, I didn't want all those people's help or sympathy, I just wanted my big brother. People are still awkward when they find out what happened to him, and I understand it's just one of those things that's never easy for anyone, but people do the best they can.