am i alone?

[AmberLynnR1995]

I had a complete horrible experience. I found out I was pregnant for the second time and I was beyond excited. then I found out I was having a little girl and my heart seemed to beat a little faster every day. at about 12 weeks I would bleed here and there or get sharp pains and every time I called my doctor (obgyn & associates) they said it was normal. when I would go to the hospital (wellstar kennestone hospital) they would say the same. no matter how many times I told them something was wrong they just wouldn't listen.now mind you that my baby girl at every apptment was beyond healthy. she would kick flip dance anything you could imagine. until one day at around 19 weeks 5 days, I started having horrible pains like contractions. still doctors wouldn't listen. I decided to go to the hospital so me and my boyfriend are sitting in the hospital room while I'm in horrible pain. they give me medicine for pain but they don't help much. I go for an ultra sound and my babygirl is as healthy as ever. well about 4 hours into the visit a doctor comes in and checks me then goes on to tell me that I'm having a miscarriage. because I'm not 20 weeks its not considered a premature birth or still birth just a miscarriage. at this point I'm numb and it feels as though my heart just wanted to stop beating all together. alls I could think was this cant be right shes so healthy. they transport me to labor and delivery and a doctor comes in to tell me that the fluids I was leaking was not my water breaking. I though great finally some good news. well I went for an uultra sound there and the nurse told me that I had a bloodclot the size of a baseball right at the opening of my cervix and I'm 3 cm dialated. yet my girl is still healthy and fine. oh yea and I finally got told that I have placenta preva or how ever you spell it. which basically mean the sac my baby is in isn't on the side of my cervix its on the bottom.i was basically told that this clot was going to eventually open my cervix enough to let my baby fall out. well another day goes by and I had hope of course even with the negativity of the doctors. then the pain stopped. and I got out of the bed and couldn't stop peeing all over the place. I didn't understand, I was scared. well a doctor comes in and tells me it was my water. and I prayed harder than ive ever prayed in my life. harder than I prayed the whole time I was at the hospital. my chest felt like it wanted to cave in. and I don't know if it was me being in shock or what it was but, I couldn't feel the pain of labor any more. I just layedin bed still full of hope. even after everyone excepted what was happeneing I never gave up.. my son and my mother came to visit with my sister in law and I got up to use the bathroom like the nurse asked me to and as I sat down I felt pressure and a pop. no pain. I was confused and as I looked into the cup over the toilet I was peeing in I saw her. I screamed louder and harder than I ever had in my life. nurses and doctors rushed in and kept reassuring me that everything is ok. they cut my cord the last thing connecting my baby girl to me. something supposed to be done in delivery by the man of my dreams. but insteadthey cut it and took her and directed me to my bed. all I could do was cry and scream. I couldn't look at her father , I felt like I failed him for the second time. I felt like I failed as a mother and a women. my heart was heavy. then theyasked me if I wanted to hold her. of course I did. I had already expected to hold my stillborn dream, but to my surprise she was trying so hard to breathe. she was moving her head opening her mouth and her chest was moving like she was trying her hardest to breathe. I begged and screamed for the doctors to just try to help her. they refused and said they were muscle spasms. I knew they weren't. then they took her to weigh her and everything. my heart was broke it truly didn't want to beat anymore. I was still bleeding a very large amount laying in my bed. her sac with the cord was still inside me. the insured no matter how much I insited that it was normal. I made a weary joke to my boyfriend saying if they don't listen I'm gonna bleed to death. we laughed a little. then they bought my baby girl to me in a nice blanket. the nurse came in to talk about funerals. I didn't want to hear it I just wanted my dream back that's all I could think about. then the pain of losing her vanished out of no where and with her on my chest I felt peace. I turned my head and looked at her father and just starred. then it occurred to me. I was bleeding out right there with no warning. but its strange because I wasn't scared I was relieved. I wanted to be with my dream and see her breathe and be healthy. I felt the doctors and nurses doing everything possible they could. they tried to rip the sac out and detached the cord instead leaving the sac inside. by thing timemy angel was already in her fathers arms. as he watched me slowly try to drift away. they rushed me out and saved me. only when I woke up the pain was back and I remember asking god, why save me but not her. then days went on all blurring together. I had to plan my dreams funeral. I had to meet my boyfriends family for the first time at my daughters funeral. I had to watch my baby be put into the ground gone forever. I used to think I would just be able to go back to normal but a month after this night mare and I cant even look at her pictures anymore. I have nightmares everytime I close my eyes about that day. I want answers I want to know why they wouldn't even try to save her. even if statistically she wouldn't have made it. why couldn't they have tried. she wasn't a statistic she is my dream. & her name is Madalyn Rose Collins. and if its not ok to abort unborn babies then why is it ok for a hospital to tell me they wont help my baby because statistically she wont live, and just force me to watch her die? my daughter was not still born, she was not a miscarriage. she lived and fight her hardest, only to be left no other choice but to die because of statistics. am I alone in this?