Adult son can't get over past

[Snowwiss]

Married for 32 years to second husband. My 34 year old son and my husband have had ups and downs. But last June when my son came back to live in the area, he was here three days when he and my husband got into a huge fight while I was at work. It's been almost 7 months since that fight. My husband called the cops and said my son was threatening him. Husband 6'3" 270 pounds, my son 5'10 and 180 pounds. No weapons....just a ton of words, I am sure.
I've been to counseling, my husband has been to counseling but my son won't entertain going. He doesn't think he needs it. He hates my husband and because I've chosen my husband, again, over my son, he never wants to see me again. His bio father isn't in the picture. I haven't exactly picked my husband, it's just not easy as it seems to separate or get a divorce. Lack of money and other resources. Everytime I have tried to contact my son, he lashes out at me. Threatens me with a restraining order, and says the most hateful things to me, mostly through email or texts. My husband and I are not getting along. There is just so many other things but the main thing i that my only child will not see me. He is stubborn, he is being too harsh and I can't change the past, and I miss him so much. It has consumed me. The counselor asked me what makes me think I will see my son again even if I divorce my husband. Anyone?

[nursegirl6572]

Sounds like a difficult situation.  Sounds like the two of them just don't get along, and because you weren't there the day of their fight, you'll NEVER truly know what exactly happened.

You talk about leaving your husband, is that because of your son, or are you having that many problems in the marriage?  I agree with your therapist, that of you divorce your husband to get your son back in your life, you may end up disappointed.  You may find that your son will hold his ground.

Is your son married?  Independent?

There are lots of adult children you don't like their parent's new spouse, but this sounds a bit more complicated than that, it sounds like he feels that your husband did something to him, and you're taking your husband's side?  You cannot make your son come around, even IF you divorce your husband.

My advice to you would be to perhaps write him a letter, or send him an email one last time.  Just be brief, don't bring up all the drama with him and your husband.  Simply tell him that you love him, you're so sorry things ended up being such a mess, that you respect his feelings toward your spouse, and don't expect him to have any kind of relationship with him, but that you would like a relationship with him, independent of your husband.  That's all you can really do....open your door to him....and put the ball in his court.

Good luck to you...hope things get better.