Toxic Mother/Daughter Relationship

[japangirl01]

I am 37, married for 17 years and a mother of two. I have a really great marriage and good open relationships with my kids. I have some serious issues with my mother that I feel either need to be rectafied or close the door on the relationship.  My mother had emotionally abandoned my sisters and I when I was 12 for a volatile marriage that lasted for 9 years. It was contant seperating of my mother and stepfather,disrespect towards myself and siblings,demand for undeserved respect for my mother and stepfather,blaming  us and our step siblings(who lived with thier mother) for thier problems. We went to consiling and when my mother did not hear the answer she wanted, that we were not the problem,we didn't go anymore.My self esteem and edcation sufferred. I did not have a relationship with her until I was 22,married and expecting our 1st child. She divorced my stepfather and seemed mch more stable. She married again and divorced. My mother and I kept it light and unintrusive. until I was 30 and or second child was born. My mother had been on anti-anxiety meds and seemed emotionally stable. Then, she would cut her doses or not take it at all and the behavior returned. She would fly off the handle right before holidays at me,comment about my  husband,constantly seek attention/approval from her parents (who I feel there are some abuse/abandonment issues) and a continuous bad relationships with men.(She has been married and divorced 4 times.) I have pleaded with her to go to consilling. She refuses and says I should go, I am the one with the problem. My sisters and aunt also have strained or nonexistant relationships with her as well. She says she will have a relationship with my daughters wether or not she has one with me. I will not allow my children to feel this behavior is o.k. My family feels my mother does single me out, like she is jealous of me. I love my mother although do not want this stress eating away at me. Does anyone have suggestions? Thanks!!!

[blackjellybean]

A related discussion, so..what now...? where to from 'no where left to go' ? was started.

[Kyndel]

I think the best thing to do is to lay down the law with her.

Tell her that her issues are her own, and you don't have anything to do with them, and don't want anything to do with them..
Let her know that you are completely done with her drama, and won't have it anymore.
Tell her that you don't want your daughters being exposed to her behavior, and unless she seeks counseling, she can't see or speak to them anymore.
Perhaps it would be a good idea to have your siblings speak out as well.
If possible, get everyone together, and have an intervention.
She needs to know that if she will seek help and STICK with it, her problems will disappear, she will be much happier, and her children and grandchildren will be much happier.
She should know that her behavior affects everyone negatively.

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Japan girl,

This is the relationship decision expert forum. If you'd like general comment, please take your question to the Community forum section of Medhelp. If you need/want a professional opinion, get back to me.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.