I'm going to say some things that sound tough and perhaps uncaring. Please understand that this isn't the case!
I'm assuming you're in the mid-east, so I understand the cultural problem of your being with A before marriage. I'm assuming that was the actual reason for the breakup.
It's possible that B was bad-mouthing A so that he could go out with you, after you and A had stopped. It's also possible that A is lying, and B is really the good guy. Or, it could be that both of them have been using you, each for their own reasons. You really don't know. And with relationships, you don't want to be paranoid, but you do want to be somewhat critical of people’s intentions. Know when you really don't know peoples' motivations and intentions. And find out!
I would say avoid A for the sake of B, except that you don't seem to have any idea of whether B is likely to get back into your life. I don’t hear you saying that B is any way involved with you in reality, AS OPPOSED TO IN YOUR DREAMS, or even showing signs of caring, wanting to be with you, etc. If I'm right, you are carrying on a one way love affair! And that's a losing proposition.
Now for A. MAYBE he really cares for you (though this is unproven). I'm sure the kissing will be wonderful! But beyond that, what? Where has he been? If you start up with him again, why shouldn't the two of you get back into the same situation you were in before? What's different now? And what are his intentions,“really really”?
I'm not sure that you aren't simply falling in love with love (and/or sex!). Or perhaps thinking of these men, or others, out of loneliness. I'm not at all sure that you see these two guys clearly.
Don't be hard-hearted, but be much more calculating. The relationship track record of each with you is lousy. They haven't shown anything about their real desire to go long-term. All they've done is enjoyed their passion with you (surprise, surprise!). Where is the reality of their interest in anything more than great sex and a perhaps genuine friendship with an attractive young woman?
If you don't do your homework about these two gentlemen (or any others, for that matter) you're bound to misjudge them, and come away empty-handed. It's all about seeing reality more clearly. If it feels impossible to do, perhaps talk to an older adult woman, who’s been through this inevitable learning cycle. If you have a savvy friend, try her.
But don't just go back and forth, from one “deep passion” to another. You're old enough now that you MUST ground your affairs in reality. Without that, I'd be surprised if your romantic relationships turned out well.
No, you're not out of your mind. You have positive feelings for these different men. That happens, sometimes. It's not a disease. It IS true that you're driving yourself just a bit crazy comparing them with each other, and trying to figure out who to be with, when you can't possibly know enough about either them or yourself to do so at this point.
If I were you, I'd be practical, even as a very passionate person, and do what's needed for the short-term, with the man who’s around. Have fun, have sex safely if you want, but don't commit to anyone or any situation. I know it feels like you have to make a choice right now, but in fact you don't. You're young, and need MUCH more experience before you'll be able to sort out your feelings, especially in terms of what you really want, what you really need, and who the other person really is. Also, the men will be gradually more mature, and that will help a lot. Don't forget that you'll be in Europe soon, and the situation will feel entirely different.
So I'd back off a notch or two, and keep things tentative, temporary, and the situation fluid. Let yourself tolerate things being that way.
You absolutely do have to concentrate on your studies.
Aside from studies, the other thing that would be on my agenda would be to get my anxiety under control. Do this not for the sake of “A”, but for your own sake. If you don't work your way out of this kind of confusion, you'll make bad decisions for a long time to come. If it continues to feel impossible, you may want to sit down with a counselor and look at your personal psychology as a whole, not just at the individual problems. Doing so may permit you to put these men in perspective.
As for A & B, neither you nor anyone else can evaluate them short-term. Their behaviors and words don't mean very much, because they're in too much flux, just like you. Remember, you've got to spend a long time testing people out, gaining experience and judgment about them/ Unfortunately, there's no substitute for growing up before you make serious moves in life.
I'm a bit confounded by the language of your post (the English) but let me try to respond.
I think you've been learning what we all have to. People aren't necessarily trustworthy because they say they love us. They may or may not mean it. And if they do, it may change in the future. They may need to “play the field” to see a bit more of life, or to work out their personal issues. And you're right in saying that they may play games, lie, or be confused in their own understanding of what they're doing.
The answer is to keep a bit of emotional distance in relationships while seeing how much we can trust. Loyalty has to be established over time. Also, we also have to screen for our partners’ track record, and our own psychological blind spots. For more about this, see my website, smartrelationshipdecisions.com. There's a lot of material there which will teach you how to proceed.
I disagree that the answer is to keep your man far away, to keep him interested. This may work short-term, but after a while it will fail, just like any other manipulation.
So date anyone you want, but be aware that there's no substitute for continual assessment of your relationship. Don't be depressed by this: instead, think of it as a positive challenge, and part of your growing up. Remember, many relationships, and marriages do work. They work because the people are relatively mature, and because they've given themselves the time to genuinely establish their compatibility, involvement, and their enjoyment of each other.
Dear Dr. P.
I knew A for 7 years, and although he used to bring me flowers till last weeks and I thought he loved me and we are working on our situation, but after we broke up, he told me that it was several months that it wasn't good enough. I thought that only because of our economical situation, we can't live together. I didn't recognize that he may ruin the whole relationship, since at the beginning of our relationship, he told me that he is worried about if he ever lose me. and he used to behave me like a real lover. (I think he went to other girls after me, because of his age, and need to see more, and not being just with me for his life-time. but not all the men at this age behave like that. How could I know? many men marry the woman they love.)
And B; he behaved me very very kind. and now that he's gone to united states, he even doesn't care about me that I hurt when I read in his facebook profile he flirts with many other girls, and I've told him that I feel sad when I see these. (But he was a very gentle loyal caring lover when he was with me before he went.)
I don't think they didn't love me that way that time. I'm not sure which of these scenarios are true:
1- A loved me but since I didn't fit in his ambitious ideal life of living together without marriage for a test, or even because of his age, he left me.
And, B, wanted to heal my wounds of my bad break up, (he never lied to me that he want me for lifetime or he would take me with himself to u.s.). and he wanted to have a gf in his loneliness, before he leave, and also he was really attracted to me.
2- A just was interested in me, and lied to me or played to me as a lover. And, B made a plan to revenge from A, by using me, and also enjoying being with me.
I think both theories are correct for A and B. Half 1, and half 2.
I feel I can't trust anyone for his loyalty anymore, and I feel cold inside. Consequently, I can't begin dating other people - who I know they are interested in me. Since I don't feel secure about the durability, strength and originality of the loyalty that they talk about. Even if I just let the people who want to marry me, come to propose me, it doesn't help, since I believe in love, marriage is not any more original than friendship or a relationship based on love, and knowing each other. I think marriages are mostly based on estimating the situation. I can't trust the people's loyalty, and I think most of them don't last much BASED ON LOVE . A bitter truth. (and I want to live "with love" not estimating that this man would behave me good, so getting marry to him.)
I guess if I want to marry with a man, I have to keep him far, to keep him interested in me, and come to propose me or fall in love, to marriage.
I also am applying to continue my education in Europe. If I succeed in getting admission, I may get rid of the not loyal culture of the man of her, to their girlfriends. And, maybe I must not begin to date a new man (a colleague who used to work with me in an office which I used to work there last year, and I'm seriously interested in him).
I can't continue to any relationship this way being confused.
P.S: correction of dictation: the 4th line from the end:
I may get rid of the not loyal culture of the men of here, to their girlfriends.
Of course! Try me here, and if for any reason I'm unavailable, try me at my website, smartrelationshipdecisions.com. Contact information available there.
I don't have many close friends.
Since "A" has a brother who was a close friend and classmate of my brother, and our brothers moved to the same country, to continue their studies, and I knew "A" for 7 years, and we could agree on may topics and talk together, he came to meet me in last 6 months.
My brother 1 year after his brother have been left, moved there. and "A" knew i feel alone, and he came to me sometimes for some walking, and talking, .. . I met him in a party of my close female friend, and these seeing eachother, ended to that he found himself he has some feelings for me. He behaved me very kind, he apologized me a lot for the last year. He described me his bad situation that he had in his parents home. (we both still live with our parents because of the economical issues).
He was very kind, and I can understand him. He hasn't betrayed me. and he wasn't with another girl when we were together. I believe him. but he have had sex with 2 girls in the last year that we weren't together, and have had some feelings for another girl who he believes they couldn't match.
Last month, I got an admission in Europe for my master. I am moving there in October.
He was kind to me before he knew that. I see him honest.
He knew I was with his best friend.
He tells me that we should live "now, and future" and that he wasn't stable and mature last year, but he feels he is getting stable, and since he knew how deep are my feelings for him (I like him a lot. i have kind feelings for him a lot, and I really can understand him with all his unmature behaviours. I love him kind of as my brother, although I like to tough him, and sex)
He tells me he loves me, and since we behave each other calmly and kindly, we can match.
I'm kind and calm. I asked him to plz just be a friend of me, I can't bear conflicts in my feelings in thses 4 months that i live here, I want to concentrate on my studies. He says he was calm and this is me that brings the conflicts on the table.
He really is calm with me, and cares. He wants to apply to continue his studies in my city. and i think he is the only one who remained for me from past. And I want to have him.
The only thing is, I have deep feelings for "B". Do you think i might have polyamory? Should I concider polyamory as a mental desease and dangerous, since I can't bring "B" to my relationship with "A"?
- I can talk to "A" better.
- I have better sex with "B".
- I agree with both in the most areas.
- "B" is more attractive".
"B" is hardly studying his Ph.d, in u.s. , and I don't have him, I just loved his more.
Am I out of my mind?!!
misprint in the thisd paragraph, line 7: "to touch him, and have sex"
Sorry, misprint in the forth line from the end: " I just loved him more."
Dear Dr. P.
I thank you very very much, because of your smart answer, since my letter was much much more than 2000 words and i tried a lot to narrow it, and after i posted it, I saw it complicated as a chess, and it shows how professional and smart and caring you are that kindly answered my letter quite precise. (considering that English is not my first language).
Yes, I'm from middle-east.
Yes, B told me to forget me(2 months after he left in a phone call, and said because of the distance and the need of each of us to be with someone, also a week before he leave, i asked him if he would get another gf there, he answered me i don't want to lie: yes.). But didn't behave me bad, almost never.
And although he was very very very kind with me, till the last moment, I can't say that it wasn't the revenge that A told me, since B had told me a story about a mutual friend(girl) of A and B, and the story of their travel together that A explained some months ago that it was B's paranoia. (so I'm angry with b about that, but It's very late, and B was really INTERESTED in me, and I conclude that reality is too complicated for me. I can't solve it).
a question: If I someday want to ask another question, can I reply to you under this letter? I think It would be easier to remember.
Thank you, Thank you, thank you.
You know how much your evaluation is smart, and important.
It affects on destiny.
I felt very better after read your advice.