Money Issues - Am I expecting too much?

[Carol 1]

My fiance believes that my money should be my money and his money his.  I was raised by parents who shared everything equally and I am concerned that he seems to be more worried about making sure everything we do is divided equally between us.  He makes more money than I do, but expects me to pay 50% of everything, including dinners out.  Am I being unreasonable or am I expecting too much from him? I don't want to appear like I am not willing to pay for things, I am - but I don't have as much money to share, as he does.

Thanks
Carol

[Shelly Bullard]

Hi Carol,

It sounds like potentially both you and your fiance are caught in the fear of "not having enough." From what I can gather, your fiance is apprehensive about sharing his money--a practice that happens when we believe the fear that there is "not enough." This fear stems from an internal feeling of not enough, but we project it outwards, especially onto money. And you, in a similar way, are holding your own fear that you aren't getting enough from him (his money)--so again, there is that fear of "not enough." This is what happens in all relationships--our partners mirror our own fears back to us. You both our mirroring the same fear--the fear of "not enough."

Our partners mirror us...always. What you can do with this information is change your own behavior (because you absolutely cannot change his). Instead of focusing on what he is or isn't giving, focus on yourself, and what you are or aren't giving.

Usually the thing we feel like we aren't getting enough of in relationships is the exact thing that we aren't GIVING enough of. If you want him to give more to you, then the best way to make that happen is by giving more to him. Especially if you come from a family culture of sharing, it should be more natural for you to model what that is like. You take the lead on this one, and it is very likely he will follow. This will create an atmosphere of generosity within your relationship, and perhaps will loosen up the rigid boundaries of "mine" and "his."

[Shelly Bullard]

You're welcome. Try it. You'll be happy with the results. :)

[Carol 1]

Thank you so much for clarifying this in such a lovely way.  I would much prefer to try to be more generous rather than bitter and angry that he doesn't want to share.  You may well be right that he is worried that he won't have enough.  He does talk about the economy ALL THE TIME and is very concerned that our financial system will not recover for a very long time.

Carol

[Jack615]

It sounds like your fiance is more interested in protecting his money than in protecting you and that cannot be a good thing!  I'm not an expert, but to me this guy is sending up a whole lotta red flags!