am I making him unhappy?

[isabellastar74]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to ask all of you what you think of this, hubby and I have been together for 7 years, when he got with me he knew I was infertile.   Years later and my fourth go at ivf , it worked but, sadly ended in a miscarriage (aug 12), I was devastated but took some comfort in knowing one finally attached..  But what's niggling me is that I feel hubby is getting depressed as he really wants a family so bad.  but we are beginning to argue about it too.  He's the type of bloke that doesn't talk deeply, however, he knows how to hurt me in argument., so he should be able to tell me how he feels in a normal chat.   Recently, my hubby said some hurtful things regarding me, and now I feel useless and a failure, I hate him right now and can't help but feel that I am making him unhappy, unhappy because he wants a baby and I do too but, I don't feel that I want to stay in a relationship if that;s all he is with me for...this is so difficult to contemplate, do I leave and do ivf on my own if I am making this man so unhappy or do I try and talk to him and make him listen and tell him that he is making me feel that I am making him unhappy...believe me I do try, he just fobs me off as if there is no problem, why is he still here???

thank;s guys..

[Shelly Bullard]

Hello. I can hear how challenging this is for you. Here is the truth--you are not to blame for what is happening right now with your body and your inability to get pregnant. It would be normal for both you and your husband to feel some disappointment around not being able to get pregnant, however placing the blame on you is not helpful and not even accurate. It is not like you are doing something to make this situation turn out as it is.

It seems like a good approach would be for you and your husband to team up against this very painful situation you are against (rather than opposing each other). Perhaps you can both have an opportunity to talk about what it is like to go through this process, what you both really want, and what steps to take in the future. It would probably be a good idea to do this in couples therapy--that way both of you can have a platform to talk about how you are really feeling.

You are not in charge of your husband's happiness. He is. And he is not in charge of your happiness. You are. Both of you are going to have to advocate for yourselves on how to be happy within this relationship, and under the circumstances that you are now facing.

[isabellastar74]

thank's nighthaw61, its very difficult but we do try, money is very tight also.  my husband lost a baby, so he is in it to replace his child he lost before he met me.   I am saddened by all of this.  I really thought we would have a baby by now.  we are also about to embark on our 5th go of ivf, starting this month.  i am so scared it doesn;t work, as we have no more money to do another go.   if this go doesnt work, my hubby is moving on so he can get someone else pregnant, i hate that i know this..  

[Nighthawk61]

It must be so hard to have to deal with this, for both of you. You want to make sure that your husband is in this for more than a baby, so you must do a lot of things that are not related to conception. Try new things to do together, go more places, make more situations where you laugh together.