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17332246 tn?1456408426

Confused about sex Life

I'm 58 and my boyfriend is 45 we have been together for 7 years. Sex was Often and good at the beginning.  My boyfriend watches porn looks at naked pictures online pretty much every day.  I will admit looking at porn more naked pictures and masturbating to me is pretty much like using a sex toy to masturbate it doesn't bother me.  But I found out now he is doing the cam to cam and paying online to talk with women and masturbate. I will admit about two years ago I stopped taking care of myself.   But that was because he didn't want sex as much as I do. Now I'm starting to think that the cam to cam sex chatting is the reason why he doesn't want sex.  Doesn't realize I know he's been doing the chatting online and I'm not sure how to confront him because I'm not sure how much it bothers me yet.
I do believe but you have to sneak it by the covered up I deleted avoiding seeing you probably shouldn't be doing it.  I think he does hide it because he thinks it'll upset me.
Does anybody out there have advice for how I should handle my situation?
12 Responses
17358314 tn?1455968909
The answer is called The Law of Diminishing Returns. What this means is that what got him off last week will not necessarily get him off this week in terms of porn. It becomes a gradual step down a long latter. I am not against porn before I have 1 million hate responses, but I can tell you from experience that it will lead to problems. I would ask him to do without porn. What that will do is shift his sexual interest back to you. Hit him with the truth head on. Cam to cam is just one step away from an affair. You have to be brutally honest with him about your feelings or he will never understand how bad he is hurting you.
Avatar universal
His only problem is he might be isolating himself in this make believe online world while distancing himself from the real people in his life, including you.  Your problem is figuring out if he's still into you as much as he was and if you're still into him as much as you were.  It's not uncommon for long relationships to become less sexual, so I have no idea what's happening, but it seems you need to find out if it's making you unhappy.
17332246 tn?1456408426
I need to think about if broadcasting yourself and cam 2 cam is cheating to me. The opportunities are so many now with the Internet.
Avatar universal
I don't know or understand 'cam to cam' sex but I do realize that there can be no interaction 'emotionally' to another human being when You are having 'computer' sex.  There's a big 'clue' when a Man prefers sex this way instead of interacting with a real Woman.  

Sex is and should be MORE than an orgasm. It's most satisfying emotionally when it's an expression of love with, for, and toward Your Partner.  But the biggest sex organ is the brain, and there-in lies the problem with porn addiction - the brain goes through chemical changes when the 'pleasure' centers are stimulated.  People become addicted to those chemical changes in the brain - it's the 'pleasure' centers that cause the 'addictions' (sex, gambling, shopping, etc., etc.)

Read "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson - He's a physiology teacher.  It's an 'eye opener'
Cam 2 cam is over the computer you can see them and they can see you. There is a sex toy that is Bluetooth that stimulates the other person by pushing a button. You talk to each other and masturbate together.
3060903 tn?1398565123
First things first , you have to know how much it bothers you before you can attempt talk to him, or put a plan in action as to you  and he getting closer. It seems like the ideal in your situation, would be to cut out all porn and get  back to what's real for the both of you. It might be that you need to talk to a marriage counselor together. If he's now got a porn addiction, it might be hard for him to break the habit, If he refused to go to marriage counseling, you've got your answer as to how invested he is in your marriage.  

I know for myself having anyone else in my bedroom other then my partner, did not and would never fly. I left my first husband for going to a strip club, after i made it clear it wasn't acceptable for me, And i'm glad i did. I've now got a man that thinks the same way i do about porn , we're compatible and it works for both of us.
Avatar universal
OMGolly !!  The technology has certainly passed me by !!  I did not know this !!

I don't understand how You can be unsure how You feel about this as, personally, I would consider this cheating - He IS having sex with someone else -  and He's paying for it too !!  Sex with a stranger for money - that's an act of prostitution !! only without the risk of an STD.

The sneaking,the hiding, the paying for sex with a stranger - these would be big issues (deal breakers) in my book.  I mean, we all love sex - but sex per se, is not the ONLY issue here.  I think You, He, are dealing with an addiction.

He's being unfaithful (sex with another) to His relationship with You.  Also, if He has to sneak and hide His behavior then He too realizes something is not right with His choices.  Were I You, I would insist on therapy or I would leave the relationship.  Otherwise, You must ask YourSelf if this is the future You want for YourSelf.  You can't stay and fight over it - You simply must accept His behavior - or find a way for Him to want to change it.

I agree with lastbreath777, in that this behavior will become worse with time.  It is an addiction and with any addiction 'tolerance' goes up - that means it takes more and more of the stimulas (whatever it may be) to get that 'high', that 'buzz' - and the only recovery for ANY addiction is abstinence.  Often it takes support or therapy to recovery from any addiction - it definitely requires abstinence.

Again, I encourage You to read "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson. It's on the internet.   He should read it too.  He likely doesn't realize what He is doing to HimSelf in the long run, and if He understands the chemical changes that occur in His brain when He's watching porn, when He realizes what causes, creates addiction, perhaps He will decide He wants change.  Recovery is possible from any addiction but one has to 'want' change.  One has to CHOOSE recovery - and then take the neccessary steps to achieve it.


thanks for answering. technology is so different now, porn now is so much more then it was. If I think about it first it was 800 numbers and magazines. how its porn online like watching a video without interacting (no cost). or live sex chat were you can text what you want them to do and there is a buzzer toy that stimulates them (for money) or you can buy a toy that hooks up to the computer and stimulates them and you with cam 2 cam on the computer so they can see you and you can see them (for money)
its just over whelming.  
17332246 tn?1456408426
you are right about "he might be isolating himself in this make believe online world while distancing himself from the real people in his life, including me" He is very private person and doesn't share much. I'm the opposite I share to much.
I try to fix every thing. sometimes I think I care to much.
Avatar universal
No, I don't think You care "too" much.  I think, perhaps You care for the wrong Person.  

He's not a good match for You.  You say You're the opposite of Him.  Perhaps You should Partner with SomeOne more like YourSelf.  

'They' say "opposites attract".  Perhaps that is why there are so many failed relationships.  Perhaps we should look for a relationship with someone who shares our own senses.

We should AKNOWLEGE Red Flags when they are staring Us in the face !!  Your eyes are "open wide shut" here and You need to realize that what You see is what You get. This is something You cannot change.  He has to do that.  So, You must decide if this is the kind of life You want to live if He is not going to seek change.  

17332246 tn?1456408426
You could be right but what I meant to say is I need to care more about me and not so much everyone else.
3060903 tn?1398565123
Every day? this is cheating, and this is an addiction. I agree that you need to initiate therapy asap.
3060903 tn?1398565123
As for "handling the situation", be honest. Let him know that you know he's paying for cam to cam sex, and to you it's like he's cheating with a sex worker. (if that's how you feel, that's the way i see it anyway). It seems at your ages that this may not be something that can be "fixed". He has to consider it to be a problem, a habit, and be okay with talking to an Addicitons Therapist, and a marriage counselor to get you two back on board with each other. If either of you do not feel you want to take the necessary action to nip this in the bud, and restart your lives together, it seems it might be better to part.
17332246 tn?1456408426
update on my life.... I told him what he was doing was cheating. we talked about it and in the end he agreeded.
it has been 2 years and he has stopped. I know this because I can check his bank accounts.
thank you for helping with your answers. our life together is much better!
That's so awesome you came back and updated us!  I'm happy to hear that it worked out and you two are going strong!  Great news!
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