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My family and my fiancé hate each other

Hello, my family and my fiancé doesn't really like each other it's getting to the point it's making me really stressful  every time I would talk to either my family or my fiancé  it always ends in a argument.  It's partly my fault too because when my family used to talk to me about my  fiancé I would go back to her and say hey this is what they said I'm just  in to sharing every little thing with my fiancé, which I don't think it's a bad. But she makes like she have tough skin but she doesn't because Every time I tell her it affects her  which I understand it was cool when each other knew they didn't like each other but not in the open. So my older sister kept coming to me and telling me things she don't or I should do about the wedding I personally don't care I just listen to my sister and be like OK whatever I'm not taking your opinion or if it's a good opinion I'll take it.  So I would go back and tell my fiancé what's my older sister say and she would get mad  I personally think she's getting mad for a good reason it's because of everything I told you guys previously she have a bias. She feels like they should come to her and talk to her about anything involving the wedding because she's dealing with most of it but, I thinking like you guys barely know each other so why would  they come to you,  they would come to somebody they feel more comfortable with' (me). So we have a family wedding group chat which has all her family and my family  she went on there and started talking very aggressive with my family basically causing a fight  she directed all her anger mostly towards my older sister.  Now my older sister says she's probably not coming to my wedding she's getting married before us and she's not inviting My fiancé. My fiancé notice I'm stressed about the situation she says she won't cause any trouble anymore but she will keep a respectful distance  we got in a fight last night because my other sister which she has A-OK relationship would invite us  to her daughters play she said she's not going because she's keeping a distance from my family which I don't like I think you should suck it up and tried to co exist which I also told my family too. She has a great relationship with her ex-husband's family  she calls them talk to them etc. etc.  which bothers me not in a jealousy way in a way that  she considers damn more family than my family that makes sense. Ps I didn't proofread or anything like that but I'm at work so if there's bad grammar sorry.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
So, this is difficult.  This stuff is for a lifetime.  You are marrying her.  SO, you follow what you say in your vows.  You are attaching to your wife, cleaving to her.  This means that outside of the marriage, you can not let anyone get in the way of the marriage.  That includes your family.  You can tell your sister, for example, if you want an opinion on something, you will definitely ask her. Otherwise, you do not want the opinion.  You love your fiancé and plan on a happy life with her.  And things are going well.  DO NOT talk to them about her. You need to vent?  Keep a journal, ask a buddy, etc.  But if they already feel crummy about her, don't feed it. And same goes for your fiancé.  Try to just not talk about each of them to the other.  That is definitely fuel.  You get it off your chest and then they have that info and keep using it.  

What is very foolish about your family spoken as a woman and as a mother of boys, is that your wife soon will have all the power.  They are the 'in laws'.  She has her own family.  She's now creating her own with you as her husband. And if they are negative, she will begin to resent, distrust and pull away.  And that can be forever.  And as she needs them LESS in her life, they are the in laws, your family will be cut out more and more.  In a lot of relationships, wives have great control over where time is spent, with who, how well kids know grandparents, etc.  I plan on being so nice to my future daughter in laws that they will never want to push me to the side.

Your job is to be on your wife's side.  The more you do that, the more things will come together for them to get along.  She will do things with them and for them because she loves YOU>  Not because you make her feel like she has to or she feels trapped in bondage with them.  

When I got married, my in laws did not go to my husband about wedding things.  I was planning.  If they had, I'd feel like they were going around my back and I'd resent it.  Especially if I thought they didn't approve of me.  Tell them they need to respect HER.  SHE is your future wife and they can communicate with her directly.  

And your wife is irritated.  And if you waffle and stick up for your family over her, she'll start to see you viewing them as more important than her.  She has a history with her ex's family that must have been positive.  She's not got that with yours yet.  It's not been great so far and people don't make an effort for things that aren't feeling good to them.  What you can do is tell her that you love her. She's your number one.  You will be family, the two of you.  But it does hurt to think that you will be less involved with your family in the future if they can't get along. That you will talk to your family and be on her side.  But to please try to also forgive them.

Don't dare tell your sister (one with child in play) that your wife is keeping distance. That is fuel to the fire.  Just say she is busy if she doesn't go.  

But had you stuck up for her, been on her side, not the go between working both sides . . . she'd be less resentful of your family.  good luck
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Avatar universal
Also she thinks just because her family dynamic is different from mine as in her family come visit more often call more often etc. etc.  that her family is better than mine's which I told her I'm perfectly fine how my family operates. That I don't need my mom and all my sisters and brothers calling me every day. I have no psychological issues of how I was raise or anything like that my mom work 4 jobs so we don't live in bad neighborhoods. She owned multiple houses and very nice neighborhoods.  Just because your family structure is different than mine doesn't mean we're not family oriented.
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4 Comments
I absolutely agree that all families are different in the way they operate , and it doesn't mean that your fiance's family loves her more or less, just because tey are in constant contact. Your fiance needs for both your sakes to live and let live. Accept the differences in your families without feeling the need to make a judgement. In fact i think that it would really help if you were both able to sit down and hammer out a mind set that stops either of you from judging each others families. Maybe talking to a therapist about how to live and let live? Maybe reading some good books on the subject. The only think that you and your fiance needs is to rise above all else and make your own rules. If there is judgments being made on either side of your family, ignore it and let it go. Hopefully time and your mutual mind set to not allow anyone else to come between you will act as a wall of security that will keep others out of your relationship and how you want to run your marriage and your lives. I think that it's healthiest for her to attend by your side, and she yours, when you're dealing with family, period. It needs to be a drama free zone for you both, and that will take getting a thicker skin. As i said, i'm sure that if you googled "how to live and let live" you'll have all the help with the mind set that you'll need to insulate against all else.

There was drama early on in my relationship with our families. Our families could not be more different. While my son accepts my husband as a step father, and hit all the marks, being respectful and courteous, my step daughter won't even talk to me, and i've allowed her to live in my home. Go figure. But my husband and i rarely have issues about it, because it's secondary to our relationship. In other words, i don't care about how his family treats me, It doesn't reflect on me at all. I think it's unfortunate only in that my step daughter could learn a lot from me as her mother has passed. and she's a 28 year old women with no live female relatives. I respect the way that my husband's family has chosen to live and die. Early on I decided to live and let live. Hope this helps a bit. Why not seek out a therapist so that you can both formally put the items that both you both away from your marriage.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change The courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Having a mutual mind set regarding your family will bring you closer, or it will destroy your relationship from flourishing. It's all your choice as to how both of you wish to deal with this.

I think i would start off the conversation by saying, These differences are not life threatening, if we don't think they matter, they won't matter, if we choose to deal with the differences with humour , we can do that too. We have the choice to ignore what we want to ignore.

bottom line WE (as in you and your fiance) have ALL THE POWER. Do what you must , (therapy) to make sure this mindset stays the course.

Being judgemental (your wife thinking or saying that your family may not be as loving) is a judgement on her part. This hurts you. This needs to stop. She is well able to change. If she needs help in this area, get to a marriage counselor.prior to getting married. Make this the incentive before you get married. Petty judgement s and thriving on drama does not go away on it's own. it's simply a habit that can be changed, with practice with a long term relationship that works being the incentive and motivation.

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If your wife to be wants to plan her own wedding, i think i would let her do so. Let her handle it as she wishes, Let your sister plan her own wedding or her kids etc. Just tell your sister that you're wife is in charge. and you want her to be able to say that she did it all by herself or with the help of her close friends and relatives. For your sister to not get along with your wife, and demand to make choices about her wedding doesn't make any sense. (to me).
My daughter in law makes all decisions for herself and my son. Anything i want to give them has to go by her. That's the "dynamic" and it works.  I had to be able to say "It's her life" and that's what your sister has to do. You have to get your sister to the point of getting it, accepting it, and i think then your wife would really appreciate you for it. Melding families takes a bit or work, but once the rules are in place, and there's no further ambiguity, things run more smoothly for all. Tell your sister that if wants to be close enough to hep plan your fiance's wedding she would have to become close to her in friendship. That's not likely to happen overnight. Your stress levels have to matter. You need to let it go that whoever doesn't want to come to your wedding doesn't come. And as for you being invited to your sister's wedding without your wife, simply , i wouldn't go. Your sister has to grow up sometime and inviting a brother without his wife is a BIG NO NO. Let her know you won't be toyed with. If she doesn't care enough about you to respect your wife enough to include her on the invite list, then so be it. That's all your sister. It has no bearing on you. You can't change it., and you didn't create it. You have to let ti go. and maybe miss the wedding if that's your sister's choice. It's her loss. All you're asking is for your sister to be respectful enough to allow you to bring your wife. They don't have to be best friends, but to not invite your wife is NOT COOL.
That being said, i think you need to see your sister as being capable of being a #@)# disturber; petty in areas, and able to be disrespectful towards your wife. You say that if she has a good idea you'll take it and run with it, but are you able to tell her that this or that is disrespectful to your married life? If not, do so. Let her know when you are not pleased and being stressed out by her words. It's likely the only way she will cease and desist (if you tell her to). I would simply turn off the chatter and say.. "I'm hoping that someday you and my wife can be friends. (especially if you plan to have children). for the sake of the family" Tell your sister that you can't handle the stress of her and your wife's not getting along and back off. I'm sure there are some good books on how to bring families together. I'm hoping that Maybe someone will come along with some titles for you that will help.
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