You two don't need to be together. You don't get together to work on yourselves. That should be done prior to starting a relationship. The relationship sounds totally toxic and vile with some calm, good moments. This is unhealthy. I can't condone staying in a relationship like you described especially if there has been physical abuse.
"I know she love me I know she cares about me she even told me herself that I should find someone else because I'm too good for her that she don't think she can love me the way I need to be love."..........In her defense, she is being honest with you. She's telling you there isn't going to be change on her behalf. She must really love and care about you it she is telling you you deserve better. She knows she isn't in a good place with herself and is trying to save you from futher grief.
The best thing you can do for her is let her go and encourage her to revisit therapy. She needs it like yesterday. She's abusive mentally, physicially and emotionally. It's time to tell her goodbye and good luck.
BTW: This is beyond rude and disrespectful and beyond differences and disagreements.
But should you give up on someone so easily ? If someone love you they would change for you and become better. She thinks I'm going to leave her eventually because I left my ex for similar reasons
Medman, a couple thoughts. This may seem trivial nit-picking, but I believe these are at the core of your failed relationships.
You don't understand what the "honeymoon phase" is. That phrase means the time after a couple marries and each is really trying their very best to treat the other really well, both are deeply in love, and things are going great. Because each is putting their best foot forward and making real effort to be sweet and loving.
You think it means the time in the early relationship dating process, where the couple doesn't even know each other, and one is deciding to ignore obvious flaws in the other and pretend their new relationship has a chance. As they begin to know the other person, they pretend they don't notice things about them that make them completely inappropriate as a partner.
Do you see the difference? It's night and day.
You've already wasted a year on this girl. It's not like you're in a society where you've been issued this girl as a partner and there's no way out and so you should make the best of it. That's how you're acting and it's completely untrue.
Your task in finding a partner is to look around and date and find the sweetest, most loving, most mature, most fun, most exciting person you can find and then work toward building a life with them. Your task isn't just to take the first girl who swims by and ignore everything about her that makes her inappropriate as a partner.
And so I have to ask. Is this girl prettier than most girls you could attract and so you're really wanting to make this work? I just sense that's the case.
I don't date based on looks, my first girlfriend is a beautiful and a sweet heart but I broke up with her because I wasn't into it. But after that I ran into a girl that I really wanted to be with but she didn't want a relationship and she wasn't that beautiful, but that didn't work because I wanted a relationship. My current girlfriend is absolutely beautiful she is but, that's not why I'm with her i'm with her because she have some beautiful qualities and she really is a loving person but she also has some bad qualities too. And I'm not that experienced when it comes to relationship started dating around age 27 and I lost my virginity around age 28 and I am 31 now so, you can still say I'm new to this dating world. I was a big guy with low self-esteem after I lost weight that's when I started to date and open up more.
"But should you give up on someone so easily ? If someone love you they would change for you and become better. She thinks I'm going to leave her eventually because I left my ex for similar reasons"..............
You've been with this girl for a year dealing with this, so I wouldn't consider that as giving up easy. What you have described in your initial post is an abusive relationship and I wouldn't recommend you staying in it. She needs professional help and unless you are a therapist you can't help her. She is out of your realm in regards to help. Only a therapist can help her make the permanent changes she needs...........that's IF she wants to change for herself.
Secondly, a person should change for themselves; not to please someone else. Just because someone loves you doesn't mean you are going to make permanent changes. Moreover, if she is trying to change for you it probably won't be lasting change. She has to want to change for herself.
Thirdly, sounds like you may have picked someone similiar to this ex whom you dumped. In my opinion this relationship should be ended as well as you see it didn't work the first time with the other woman.
Fourthly, she has issues and you have issues, so I would recommend both of you not getting into any relationship until you two have resolved your issues. You stated you are new to dating and that you used to be a big guy wth low self-esteem. Work on you first.
Fifthly, she's afraid you are going to her dump after she told you that you are too good for her and that you should find someone else? She sounds all over the board, angry and abusive. This is typical behavior of an abuser.........spews the nastiness, then is remorseful and begs for you to stay and promises that change will ensue. In a day or week or so all is back to the same thing. Wash, lather, rinse, repeat...etc. That's pretty much the cycle of abuse.
Well, I can tell you I am not new to dating or relationships.......married. Before I was married, I dated a lot and in my opinion this relationship will bring you more and more problems if you choose to stay. Dating someone is a choice; not a have-to. Moreover, if you stay you are giving up on YOU and you should be top priority, not her. You think loving her will push her into change and that just isn't so. We shouldn't get into a relationship with ideas of molding the other person into the person who we think he/she ought to be. We have to accept he/she at face value not expecting change. If he/she does change.......that's great, but it isn't up to us to push them into it. It has to come from within the person to change.
Why we date is to find out what differences we have, similarities and make an intelligent decision about if this is the relationship we should be in long term. It isn't at times and we have to recognize and act on that.
You two are not compatible. You want to keep the conversations going and she wants to cut them off. This will be the story of your life if you grow old with her. You'll be growing old in a very lonely way.
She is over the top with how she talks to you. That's abusive. And can you picture her as a mom? whew, scary. Think of the damage she can do her kids. What if she treats them this way or you this way in front of them?
Find a more pleasant person to tie your life to, okay? good luck
I agree with all the comments. You're going to have to stop going for the same type of women as this. Stop when you see the same traits, and move on in your life, take the time it takes to find a woman that you don't need to change. IF you want lasting happiness. Sorry but dating is hard, not getting too involved and watching how things progress and really judging another person to see if they fit what you want in a women may sound foreign to you, but it's a necessity to get your best match. You deserve to be happy and not stay with an abusive person. You and your children deserve more (if you want children).
If she is like this when you're dating, she will be worse if you are married and have kids. Run, don't walk, (and incidentally, take some time off with NO girlfriend to work out what you really appreciate in a woman). So what if her last boyfriend broke up with her for the same reason. Maybe she will get the hint and deal with her anger issues. And for heaven's sake, don't get all snippy that if she loves you she will do this for you. She has bigger problems than you.
It is important for you to understand what Co-dependent relationships are and what needs to happen to help all parties.
Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. If you'r girl was an addict, you would need to back off and allow her to focus on her own problems and fix them. You've said she was in therapy. She needs to go back. The therapy is not serving her well, or she is refusing the therapy. You cannot reward a person for not doing the work that they must for themselves. If you love someone that needs help, it is often the case that family members must back off and allow people to realize that their maladjusted behavior must change in order for them to be a viable candidate for an ongoing relationship. No, it' s not easy for any party, but the alternative means a progressively worsening habit of maladjustment. You have no choice to intervene and make your expectations known to her of what you need for a relationship moving forward. Obviously, it can go either way depending on her personality. You'll know if you need on. It's a hard thing to do. Many of us here have had to do the same thing, so you're not alone. My first husband was not interested in getting help for himself (he was abusive to others). He ended up happy living his life without a partner, instead focusing on having friends only. That was his choice. I found a man that was more "partner positive". and have been very happily remarried for almost 20 years and two well adjusted kids later. Grand kids hopefully on the way. Have faith that you can and need to find a partner that will be capable of wanting little chaos in their lives. Life is hard enough without fostering drama and unrest in our daily lives. God bless you. Chin Up. Onward and Upward. I'm here if you ever need to talk.
I lost my virginity around age 28 and I am 31 now so, you can still say I'm new to this dating world. I was a big guy with low self-esteem after I lost weight that's when I started to date and open up more. ....
Medman. You had something that you felt you needed to change for yourself. You DID the work, and no doubt have to continue to keep yourself on target with your new plan for yourself. I've gain some significant weight and i can tell you that i UNDERSTAND the sacrifices you've made for yourself. If you were an addict, gaining sobriety, then a negative relationship would be the last thing that an Addictions Therapist would suggest for you. It would be suggested that you stay far away from a relationship that could in any way cause you to back peddle in your sobriety , or in your case, your healthy weight goals. Having this type of relationship can be a very detrimental thing in your life. If you were my son, son, I would tell you that you need to expect from your partner the same courage and honesty that you have brought into your life with the sacrifices that you have made. In other words, this girl is beneath you in terms of having the guts to change what obviously needs changing. And this girl has been around the block and knows that her way of handling herself with other people needs her to put the work in. Remember , she went to a therapist, Unlike you, she did not make the sacrifices that you made in your life, and that's why she's acting the way she is, while you are probably white knuckling it trying to stay on course with a healthy lifestyle and food choices. This is worth noting honey. You've done all the hard work, and by doing so, you deserve someone to hold you in very high esteem for all that you've accomplished.
The point is , your weight loss goals and lifestyle can go off side, because of emotional problems in a relationship. You MUST protect yourself and all your hard work. I'm an addict, and if I have problems with people these days, i have no choice but to handle it in the best way to keep myself sober. And being overweight or having a food addiction, is no different than any addiction. In fact, the reason why i gained weight (other than a bad back equally no exercise) the main reason i got heavy was because i'm an addict. and became a food addict. I have to change this, so i'm not going to be hypocritical and say that this girl can't change or want to change for you. I want to stay alive for my child , my grand children and my husband, as much as I want to stay live for myself.. However, i've already proven that i can quit a whole lot of addictions, so i've already proven that i can responsibly make changes for my life. She has not. You have no indication that she has what it takes. She would have to listen and act upon your expectations, in order for you to be able to take her seriously as a candidate for a REALLY SPECIAL RESPONSIBLE PERSON LIKE YOURSELF. WHO HAS ALREADY DONE THE WORK TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP BEFORE YOU EVER MET HER.
Does she have what it takes? You'll see. We're all here for you moving forward. Sometimes you have to wait and have patience to get what you deserve in this life. Go against the saying " A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" . There are really great women that, like you, would recognize what they needed to do for love and "JUST DO IT". It doesn't sound like this girl is ready to "JUST DO IT" for herself. Those that are co-dependent often create problems and rely upon having make up relations to sustain a relationship. You need to get off that hamster wheel. If you've always had low self esteem, you might think that you should be happy with anything more than the nothing you thought you would get at the worst of your life. BUT EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED. You need to realize that you no longer should be that person that thinks he may not deserve the best of someone. And if you have to talk to a therapist yourself to get to the point of ending a bad relationship, you deserve to do that. I PROMISE YOU, IT WILL BE WORTH THE EFFORT FOR YOU TO HAVE A PERSON THAT IS COMPATIBLE WITH THE NEW YOU. .