Am I being a mug or do I deserve it??

[LinkAgeDragon]

Apologies…this is a long one.
So this is the story from the start (as best I can remember it :s) your views/comments will be greatly appreciated.
Just under a year ago I was stalking through Tumblr, and up on my dash came a submission from this girl to a lesbian page. The instant she came onto my dash I thought ‘WOW, she is hotter than hot!!’ I made the first move and messaged her, anonymously. That same day I went out with friends and had a one night stand with a friend of a friend, I woke with a deep sense of regret and shame, and a monstrous hangover. Anyways, that day I started conversing with Tumblr girl, we got on like a house on fire, she was funny, we had a lot in common, and we held the same family values. We spoke or Skyped every single day, everything else in my life got put on the back burner, all of my free time was spent talking with this girl. Falling in love with this girl took less time than it did for my standards to drop when I had the one night stand. It was just under a month after we started talking before we met in person. She was perfection incarnate, I felt like I had found my other half, my reason for being. That being said, I wanted her to feel the same about me, so when I found out what her views were on certain subjects I edited my past to suit what she wanted, e.g. how many men and women I had slept with, how many relationships I had been in with women, how many other girls I had spoken to on Tumblr, had I ever said I love you before, anything to make her think I was as perfect for her as she was with me.
She also asked me to stop messaging certain people because the relationship I had with them was a weird one, (they acted like a stalker with me) I told her I would stop messaging them, but I didn’t I continued to speak to them like always, I just deleted the messages. It wasn’t a big surprise when I got found out. Another time I got caught turning off the notifications on my phone because a boy I slept with years ago still messaged me occasionally to ask if we could have sex again (his requests were always met with a less than polite NO!!’ had just come back from America where he is working and I was scared he would message me something inappropriate whilst I was with this girl.
The list of things I said to protect myself from her finding out the amount of mistakes I had made growing up was numerous, needless to say I got found out on everything. She didn’t find it all out at once though, things came out of the woodwork over a period of several month. I had broken her and the idyllic relationship we had.
From that point we were lucky to get through a week without arguing, nowadays we are lucky to manage 24 hours.
I spent the first 6 months of our relationship travelling a 500 mile round trip every weekend to see her. Then I made the move at the beginning of this year, changing careers, renting my house out and leaving my family to be with the girl I love unconditionally.
Recently we moved into our own house together and it has been nothing but arguments. I’m too lazy, I’m boring. All I want to do when I get home from work is chill, I work 40 hour weeks and drive +10 hours commuting every week. I’m exhausted, and cranky. Yes I take it out on her, but she is the only person I have here, I left all my family and friends that I could vent to when I moved to be with her. Needless to say it’s been tough.
Recently though things have gone from bad, to awful. Recently she has told me that she doesn’t want this relationship anymore, that I have trapped her in it because I moved. Now I know I have been far from the perfect girlfriend, especially with all the lies in the beginning. But I would never cheat and not once since talking to this girl have I thought about anyone else in a sexual or romantic way. As far as I could see she was my soul mate, I had no reason to be looking elsewhere, everything I wanted and would ever need was there, in her.
Recently I have been told things that have hurt me, cut me so deep I’m surprised my body isn’t bruised and scarred. She has said to me the below (may not have wording 100% exact, but general gist of what she said)…..
• The girl I went out on a date with before meeting you, I can’t stop thinking about her, about what she is doing now, about what could have happened had I not blown my chance, I might love her (I have also found out that she has been following her on Instagram for the duration of our relationship)
• I need someone more outgoing and fun. You are boring, you bore me.
• You aren’t very good in bed, you don’t know what you are doing. That’s why I avoid sex a lot of the time, we aren’t compatible.
• I love you, I care about you, but I don’t think I’m in love with you.
• I can’t handle you autism, get help for it or we will have to call it a day.
• I don’t know if I’m gay and sometimes when you kiss me it takes me a lot to pull away. I only do it a lot of the time because I’m supposed to.
• I am sometimes repulsed when you try and touch me
• Wait and see how the next 6 months ago, see what I decide. See if we can be just friends
• I don’t see you as anything more than a friend
• Please don’t be physical in public, it makes me feel uncomfortable when you kiss me or hold my hand in front of children
• This definitely isn’t going to work, we both know that.

I’m not really sure what to do. She upsets me and I respond by getting angry and shouting. Am I being a mug waiting 6 months to see if she changes her mind about us? Waiting to see if she can fall in love with me again? I love her to pieces.
What can I do to make things better, I am tired of the word ‘Sorry’ coming out of my mouth, and it’s all I seem to say lately 

[nursegirl6572]

I'm glad to hear things are looking up, but I have to say...be very cautious...keep your eyes wide open.

You both have a LOT to overcome in order to make this relationship work long term.  For starters, the relationship started out based on lies .  You misrepresented yourself to her...and if she entered the relationship based on the untruths you told her as being fact, it's really hard to fairly assess the quality of the relationship.  Relationships that start out, built on lies very seldom last.  It's just the way things go for the most part.

I think the BOTH of you need to seek out some professional relationship counseling, get everything out on the table, and see what you can do about trying to mold this relationship into something with more substance.  With some work, and with some self reflection on the issues BOTH of you bring to the mix from your past, you may have a chance.  

Like I said, though, don't get stuck having too many false hopes and high expectations.  It's REALLY hard for a relationship to recover when it has gotten to the point of one partner saying the kinds of things she said to you.  Those weren't vague statements, they were big, significant, relationship changing statements.  You HAVE to address those issues if you want this to have a chance.  They are some pretty big issues, including what appears to be some confusion on her part about her sexuality.  That's a pretty big hurdle.

Very best to you!  

[LinkAgeDragon]

In follow up to this question,
My and my other half recently sat down with letters we had wrote to each other detailing our thoughts, feeling and what we wanted our way forward to be. This was very helpful for the both of us as it pointed out that we both wanted the same end goal (marriage and children, with each other)
Times have been hard over the last couple of months, alot has been going on, and neither of us have been coping fantastically well. I am due to see my GP soon for a referral to someone I can talk to and my OH is 100% behind me on that.
A recent car accident in which my other half was quite badly injured in (passenger in a car that got T-Boned at 60mph) gave us a bit of perspective and allowed us to fully realise what we wanted and to evaluate what we were both doing to each other. Things are really, really good atm. We recently exchanged promise rings and have vowed to talk through everything when we are feeling a little off with one another, or suffering from anxiety. So far everythings good.  :D

[TTinKKerBBell]

You're not coming across 'badly', rather, You seem a little defensive about Your own behaviors -  but Your issues only are addressed here as Your GirlFriend isn't asking for advice.  I think SpecialMom and NurseGirl are offering suggestions that might be helpful to You.  You can't change Your GirlFriend and neither can They - but They DO offer advice that MIGHT be helpful to YOU.
I Do Wish You Good Luck And I'm Sorry For Your Dilemma

[LinkAgeDragon]

I understand that, I'm sorry if I'm coming across badly. In all honesty I just needed to get it all off my chest, and you have all offered alot for me to think about and I thank you for that :)

[TTinKKerBBell]

Well, no one here can 'fix' Her, only 'advise' You based on the info You have provided.  In my opinion, SpecialMom and NurseGirl offer good observations.

I Too Wish You Good Luck

[LinkAgeDragon]

Thank you for your comments...
with regards to my past of sexual promiscuity, agreed that needed to be looked at, and it has. Alot of what went on when I was in my late teens, early 20's (I am 29 now) and has been dealt with. It was mainly due to my acting out because I knew I was gay and didn't like it. Everyone deals with it differently, As for the last 4 years I have had 2 sexual partners, my girlfriend and the one night stand. I dont think that counts as promiscuous does it?
I agree with you though that from what she says she is done, however when I pull away and stop acting like the loving girlfriend she doesn't like it and that confuses me.

[nursegirl6572]

I agree with sm, on all counts.  

From what your GF has said, it's pretty crystal clear that she's done.  She doesn't leave anything to the imagination.  She's told you straight out that she's done.  I too think you moved way too fast and TRIED to turn what was initially probably a lot of lust into a relationship.  That's really not feasible most times.

My opinion is that you should return back home, let her go and move on.  I also think that maybe you should look into your past of being sexually promiscuous, either in person, or on the internet.  Like sm, I agree that maybe you're trying to fill some kind of "void" in YOU with the attention.

Best of luck to you!

[LinkAgeDragon]

I should probably point out that since November of last year all contact with anyone she asked me not to talk to was severed. Many of these people were colleagues I had worked with for +5 years.
With regards to the stalker, it was one man that I used to work with, my girlfriend termed him a stalker and didn't like him because he would ask me to let him know when I had completed the 500 mile round trip so he knew I was safe.
As I pointed out, not once since I began a relationship with this girl have I thought about anyone in a sexual or romantic way.
I have always been 100% faithful to my girlfriend.
To the boy I slept with I thought the words 'F**k off and leave me alone' or 'No! ask me again and I will tell your girlfriend' were impolite and blunt enough. Some people just dont seem to take the hint. I resent that you say I like it, that I get some sort of pleasure out of it. But you are entitled to your opinion, and there would be no point me asking the question if I didnt want responses that I dont agree with would there.

[specialmom]

Oh, I misunderstood that piece.  I was wondering why you were talking about your one night stand girl.  good, glad that is not an issue.

I DO think there is something going on with your previous internal need (and I say need because you didn't just cut it off) to have contact with people that 'like' or want to be with you.  The stalking may have been one sided you say but then you also say you kept chatting with them.  And then the boy thing.  In all honesty, it is easy to stop people from contacting you by showing no interest and not responding.  But there is something called 'secondary gain'.  You don't want to be with those people but somewhere deep inside of you it feels nice that they want to be with you so you keep up the contact.  Something to think about.

Anyway, it does seem like this relationship is over.  I'd end it on your terms and find someone you can have a healthy relationship with.  It's sometimes hard to find that and be careful of any INSTANT love relationships.  They often fizzle out.  good luck

[LinkAgeDragon]

Whoah there it's my partner that has been talking about the girl she dated not me. And it's my partner that's been following someone on instagram not me.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Welcome.

Well, a couple of things REALLY stand out to me.  First, this relationship seems to be over.  You two were long distance when you moved to be with her and gave up everything.  You then were totally dependent on her for companionship and really had no life outside of her and work at that point.  That's an unhealthy balance to a new relationship.  Then once there, you have found that you aren't as compatible as you thought you might be.  I would contend you never were if she was so inflexible and rigid as to ask you questions in the beginning about your past dating life and you felt you had to lie to her.  That's never good.  If you have to be 'someone else' to get a girl . . .   it will never work long term.

so, there is that.  I would think about what you can do to get back to the town you are from or consider moving out and making that a goal down the road.

The other thing that sticks out is that you have an issue with wanting to keep people on a string.  The boy you had sex with years ago . . .  if you were really impolite and firm, he would not be texting you all these years later.  You've left wiggle room.  The people that you called 'stalkers' you get some kind of internal feel good moment by being in contact with them so continued it even at the risk of your relationship.  This is something to check out about yourself because it will haunt you in every single serious relationship you have from here on out.  My husband doesn't have secret women he chats with via email, text, facebook, etc.   What woman would tolerate that?  So the question is--  why do you need it?  What's going on with you that you have to have that in your life.  

Next thing . . .   oh boy.  You're now romanticizing, fantasizing a one night stand.  Like 'what if we'd dated . . ."  which makes me think you live in a dream world.  You had sex with her.  She also was promiscuous and she's moved onto her life.  It's frankly creepy that you are following her on instagram AGAIN  when you have a girlfriend that you are supposed to be faithful to.  

I wouldn't wait to see if the girlfriend changes.  I think it will not get any better and she says she doesn't want it anymore. Move on on your own terms.   But I think you have plenty to work on before you should consider dating another person for a awhile.  good luck