Am I not ready for Marriage?

[strawberry20]

I have known my current boyfriend for about 4 years now and we have always got along since the beginning but about 2 years after that we stopped talking and just went our separate ways we started talking again about a year and a half ago and he told me he was completely single and we started to date again and it brought back all the memories.  well once we got really serious and i told him i wanted something more serious he agreed and decided to become more than just casual friends but actually boyfriend/girlfriend.  well about a week later i found out he was actually engaged to the girl he had dated before me the 4 years ago but he explained to me that he knew he was in love with me and that his plans were to go up to her in person and tell her everything in person, get his ring back and explain to her that he just didn't feel the same about her. I let this go even though i was so hurt and we later moved in together we have been living together over a year now and he's starting to talk about marriage but for some reason when this happens i start getting flashbacks of all the bad and hurt he caused me and the fact that he was engaged before and how he didn't care getting more serious when he was engaged.  we haven't had any serious problems yet but all this is making me rethink my relationship i don't know if i'm just over analyzing everything and just being a chicken about marriage or if this is something that is going to bug me for life.  I had always been one to dream of my dream wedding and now i really am lost?

[Londres70]

The way the situation unfolded about the fiancee is of concern.  I think you have a valid reason to worry because I would be too.  

I am not sure how you really can trust a man who was engaged to someone else while starting and then carrying on a relationship with you. He only came "clean" after he was cornered into doing that with the phone call from the fiancee.  Hmmm.....  Well, if his feeling for her were "long gone" then why wasn't the engagement broken off before you two got together?  Sounds like he was putting on a show for you when he was "breaking" things off over the phone with the fiancee.  BTW:  Anyone who breaks up with someone over a phone is pretty tacky in my opinion.

I would talk with him about your feelings.  

I am all for a wonderful wedding and marriage, but it should be with someone you can 100% trust and feel comfortable with and not having "flashbacks" related to situations that are obviously questioning his character.  

Be careful.  

[strawberry20]

yes this is basically the only issue we have and he says it's just on my part . . we have been happy living together for about a year now
thanks!

[specialmom]

I think that sounds like a good plan.  He may have difficulty verbalizing exactly what happened with the other girl.  It may have been an irrational move due to subconsious issues.  But he should explore that to better understand himself and make sure that THIS is right.

If you are overall happy and this is the main thing between you, then proceed with marital counseling and see if that helps your concerns.  good luck and keep us posted!

[strawberry20]

YES EXACTLY! i try talking to him about it but he doesn't seem to understand how i feel.  he thinks i should just trust that we are meant to be!

i do feel we are perfect for eachother but sometimes i do question his decisions and i don't understand how he could give her an engagement ring if he knew he didn't want to be with her long term.  and his only answer to this was that he's stupid and was confused . . this is not the answer im looking for i've asked him that how does he know that with me it's not going to be the same story and he just gets irritated and explains that he doesn't understand why i don't trust him if he hasn't cheated on me or anything . . but to me technically he did more than that by doing all this . .

and yes that is a very good idea i will talk to him about pre marital counseling and explain to him this is the only way ill consider marriage

[specialmom]

hm.  Well, to be honest, I can see why you are concerned.  The nagging voice in the back of your mind is telling you that this whole thing is fishy.  As in, how seriously does this guy take the idea of enagement if he is asking one girl to marry him on the 9th of the month and then interested in you later on in the same month.  Sounds like he really has to be with a woman which might make you feel less special.  AND, that he didn't end that relationship before starting up again with you or that he went straight back to her during your break all probably puts a bad taste in your mouth.  I get that.

But, is this over a year ago that you found this out?  What's going on now with the two of you?  Maybe he did indeed just have a lapse in judgement in giving her the ring but it sounds like he HAS to be in a relationship in which case you want to make sure that your foundation is solid before proceeding with marriage.  

I like pre marital counseling.  Something you'd consider?

[strawberry20]

yes that is correct.

and she just asked me if i was his girlfriend and i said yes why. . i already knew she was his ex and she just told me that they had gotten back together a few months back.  she then called him and he was with me and i heard the whole conversation she just said if he was getting back at her cheating on him in the past? and he said no and she asked if he honestly didn't regret being with me and if he was willing of throwing 8 years of being and knowing her for me? and he said ya i've been thinking and yes he said he just didn't want us to find out like this..

basically in that phone call it was all broken off she was crying to him that she didn't want to lose him but he said his feelings for her were gone a long time ago and they just fought to much and she said she thought things were perfect and he said no that he had made a big mistake in giving her the ring

but still all this comes back to me everytime we talk about getting married?

[Londres70]

Hmmmm.....he was technically engaged to the other girl while getting back with you?  Is that correct?  

What kind of message did you get from the fiancee on FB?  

How was the engagement broken off?

[strawberry20]

basically what happened was he got engadged on may 9, me and him became a couple on the 31st of may.  but she lives in another state and he never actually went and saw her while with me but he still was with me while being engaged to her until about july when i got a message from her on facebook.  he told me he had planned to go tell her in person and get his ring back and everything because he knew i was the one he wanted to be with.  and he says he wasn't happy with her for a long time now.  
i have talked to him about it and he says he knows that with me it's real. but sometimes i fear the only reason this happened was because everything came out before he had time to choose but he told her he didn't regret one bit getting back with m

[strawberry20]

basically what happened was he got engadged on may 9, me and him became a couple on the 31st of may.  but she lives in another state and he never actually went and saw her while with me but he still was with me while being engaged to her until about july when i got a message from her on facebook.  he told me he had planned to go tell her in person and get his ring back and everything because he knew i was the one he wanted to be with.  and he says he wasn't happy with her for a long time now.  
i have talked to him about it and he says he knows that with me it's real. but sometimes i fear the only reason this happened was because everything came out before he had time to choose but he told her he didn't regret one bit getting back with me

[specialmom]

I am confused.  Are you saying he was engaged because he didn't get the ring back or did he actually still have a relationship with this girl while with you?

I'm not sure what you are saying.  

If he was simply engaged before---  that should be something you keep in perspective.  My husband was engaged TWO times before me and I was engaged once.  That's life, we have life before our current partners.  But if he was cheating on her when with you----  that does make one wonder about someone's character.  

I am a firm believer in communication and sometimes when something is eating away at us----  we talk to our partner to get clarity and to have them make us feel better.  good luck