Am I punishing My Self for his Betrayal?

[KATE535]

Can anyone relate? Am I alone? I have a dilema with regards to my partner. My partner left his Wife around 18 months ago. I met him at work a couple of months after this and we hit it off immediately - he told me he was married but preparing for a divorce, and that he and his former wife have had an ammicable separation. I had no major problem with this since I too could relate - I was experiencing abuse at home from my then-partner. The only thing keeping me with him was fear and two lovely little boys. Then this new man swept me off my feet, made me feel beautiful again and was the most caring wonderful person I'd ever met. So, I nor he had not moved out of our homes with our ex's. He was waiting to get a place of his own and because he had separated ammicably, she was fine about him staying there. But he had effectively left the relationship. It was more difficult for me, and I needed to leave my ex without him knowing where I'd gone, for my safety, so I needed my new partner to move into a place where I could come with the children. As our love grew stronger, we desired to be together more than anything in the world. He would say I want you to be My family, you are the only woman for me... He'd also talk of finding staying in the same house as his ex-wife unberable. He had made the transition we were both heading towards to be together - he had left her and was promising he was waiting for me. Then one evening I phoned him up, and I heard her shouting in the background - 'Have you told her we slept together !!?' I froze and told him I didn't want anything to do with him. He'd been lying about the things he said to me - he wasn't waiting for me, he was staying at his old house not to sort out where he was going to live next but because he was cheating on me.The abuse at home made me forget what my new partner had done. And because he now decided to move out of his old place, he asked me to come with him too. So I did.
However, I am still tormented by what he did knowing we were going to be together so soon. Why would he sleep with her knowing that and having left her too? I always question it and always think about it. Would he have ever told me himself? I give him hasstle about it a lot and he knows I can never forget he did that to me, but how do you move on from feeling Betrayed.
Am I being oversensitive? Should I have moved on 10 months later? Am I just jealous? Insecure maybe? Was it cheating? Can anyone help?

[KATE535]

The marriage problems had been, they had already happened. The marriage was OVER.
How can RRose be right when she got it all wrong about him betraying children that he does not have?
How can a marriage that is OVER be classed as him betraying his ex-wife?
If anything this post should make abusive people realise they WILL loose the person they abuse some day. NO-ONE has the right to BEAT a person and expect them to remain a LOYAL SPOUSE forever. Which ever way it happens, that person will eventually destroy that marriage themselves.
I do not condone affairs, but there are rare situations when you can expect some people to fall for someone else depending on the circumstances at play. If the circumstances are very bad.
When she vowed to cherish and respect him, she broke those vows HERSELF when she beat him.

[fung]

RRose was right, and you should solve your problem with your husband first before involve with somebody else that you might regret later. If you are abused by your husband and you can't take it anymore, find way to leave him but  dont rush to another relationship especially with a man who still in a marriage problem .
Good Luck

[KATE535]

Thanks for your kind support !!! :-)

[ania_2]

I agree with Mami, they had a history and were living together, it doesn't make what he did right but its explainable. If you both love each other very much the relationship will work out.
It will take time for you to heal, but remember hes with you, he chose to leave her to be with you. I wish you the best of luck. take care.

[mami1323]

You never really know someone and honestly I just found myself being with my fiance for 5 1/2 years and recently having a son and finding out that he has been unfaithful to me.  Having a relationship with someone else for a year and a half while I was pregnant.  But we are in couples counseling and working through our issues and I'm hoping he has changed and won't take the chance again and destroy our family.  So sometimes people think they know someone and they never really do.  The only thing you can do, if you do decide to give him a chance is to give it a shot but with your eyes wide open.  Push the thought to the back of your mind but don't erase it.  If you can't move past this incident then it won't work.  I wish you luck because getting over a betrayal is the hardest thing to do.  But you have to understand where RockRose was coming from, you both weren't fully available.  You both had extenuating circumstances to your relationships.  So was there really a true betrayal?

[KATE535]

He has no kids of his own. He had no kids with his ex wife. She was an abusive woman - threw knives at him in argumants and beat him with the heels of her shoes - she did not deserve a caring man like him.

I admit I did not think that getting involved with a man having a divorce would mean he would continue to have sex with that person after declaring he had left her. Maybe I was just nieve having not been through this sort of thing before. Also when you are being abused at home all you can think about is what you're going through and when you meet someone who offers you so much, love, a future, commitment, you can hardly think they're lying to you.

He was living at home after they seperated because he had no other place to go - family live 4 hours car drive away etc. He told me they had agreed to live in seperate rooms of the house and of course separated beds.

Rose you have a strong opinion that I deserved that or something? But have you ever been abused and felt trapped in it. I thought he was different to other men. Do you think he is a cheat?

[mami1323]

So now I'm confused, was he separated but living in the home or was he lying to you telling you that he was separated but he wasn't?

[RockRose]

kate,  in my opinion you have this exactly backwards.

No one betrayed you - you knew you were having sex with a married man who lived with his wife and has dependent children.  

You and he betrayed  his wife and kids,  and you and he betrayed your husband and kids,  and you got burned because he believed the lie that he was separated.  He wanted you for sex,  and he was able to keep that going for himself for awhile until you overheard the truth in his home - that he's still with his wife and was lying to you and stringing you along the whole time.

The bottom line is,  even if you were able to make him leave you don't want a man who would cheat on his wife and kids.  Because in time,  he'll do that to you too.

It's a painful lesson.

[mami1323]

It's really hard because they have history.  Marriage, children and often times people will slip up because that's what they are used to and comfortable with.  It doesn't mean he wanted to be with her.  Living in the same house makes it all that much difficult.  Since it was amicable, I'm sure there were times they would be awake and hang out without the kids.  So I'm sure that moment was inevitable.  Obviously, it didn't stop him from wanting to be with you and so he did what he had to do and moved out and in with you.  So it seems he's really done with his ex-wife.  Yes it hurts, yes it may seem like a betrayal but he wasn't really free just yet and neither were you.  I say, if you love him then try and let it go and look at it as a mistake on his part.  Try to start fresh if you can and if he's treating you well and there will be no repeating of that mistake then try to move forward with him.  I hope that helps.