Am i being to hard?

Question

About 2 weeks ago my husbands father passed away. Since then I've been nothing but willing to lend myself to hear him out if he wants or needs to talk. During times he talks bout his dad and I of course listen. Since then he prefers to be around more his sister and brother. As I am not their greatest fan I am often left alone. I realize he probably feels they understand him more what he's going thru..but everytime he goes there he comes home in wee hours of the morning and VERY drunk. He's becoming distant from me..i truely understand what he's going thru as my dad passed away 2 1/2 yrs ago. He doesnt really talk to me unless he needs something. We have fought due to him basically not acknowledging my being present. Am i over reacting..? Should i let him process everything and wait till he decides to see that i still exsist?..it honestly bothers me that the only time he sees me is when he needs me to do something or needs help...and he no longer looks for me to have sex either..Am I over reacting?

specialmom · Accepted Answer

Yes, I think you are being too hard on him.  I am sure it hurts your feelings to learn that in this time of sadness, that he is finding greater comfort from his siblings but that is the reality.  When we suffer an emotional trauma such as losing a parent, we often revert to some base level actions.  Being with his siblings feels safe to his emotional state.  You are supportive but perhaps he needs some space from any past judgments you've made of his family.  

I always tell my girlfriends to keep their opinions and thoughts kind of on the down low because no matter what, even when justified to judge family, no one likes to hear bad things about their parents or siblings.  Even when they are creeps.  

My husband is one of 7 kids and some of his siblings are . . .   well, I picked my husband and not them.  One in particular is pretty flaky.  If I say something, it makes my husband defensive.  I stay quiet.  My husband is then free to feel safe discussing his brother with me because I'm not all over talking bad about him so that he feels protective.  I get the impression that perhaps your husband maybe feels that while you are there, you might not have 'loved' his family and at this time during the mourning period, he's wanting to be in a 'happy' place about his parents and siblings.  

So, give him time and remain supportive.  Let him do what he needs to do to heal. It's a sacred time when you lose a parent.  It's very difficult.  good luck

when I lost my mother, I remember pushing some people away.  My emotions were very raw.  I knew who was understanding how I felt and who j

perch101 · Answer

I think you are being too hard.
He needs to do whatever helps to get him through this awful time.

Londres70 · Answer

"Am i over reacting..?".....................Yes, you are.

I get that you want to be included and you aren't and feel alone BUT..............

"Should i let him process everything and wait till he decides to see that i still exsist?..it honestly bothers me that the only time he sees me is when he needs me to do something or needs help...and he no longer looks for me to have sex either"..................Hon, this man is mourning.  He hasn't forgot about you and you still exist to him.  Moreover, he isn't going to be thinking about sex given the fact his father just died.  Obviously if he is coming to you for help or asking you to do something for him you still EXIST in in his eyes.  In fact, he is counting on you to do this.

He feels he needs to be with his family more than you at this time and I suggest you respect that and make the focus LESS about YOU.  Now is not the time to be pestering him about his lack of "acknowledgement" of you.  You need to be more sensitive and thoughtful as I find your statements awfully selfish, unthinking and insensitive.

Chima7 · Answer

Having been through losing my dad recently, I can say that it takes a lot longer than 2 weeks to get through the numb feeling and the irreparable hole that it ultimately leaves in your heart. His siblings are the only other people who understand losing their father in the personal way it has affected them in losing their father. There's no one else on Earth who truly "gets" what me and my siblings went through. We are the only ones who understand the gravity of losing OUR dad. Losing a parent is an individual experience for each person within their own family, depending on that parent's position in their child's life. I don't know how else to explain it and maybe the words aren't coming across properly but, I think you're expecting too much too soon from him after such a major loss. My siblings and I and my mom were completely lost without my dad for months and months. It took all of us at least a year to feel like any of us were on any kind of solid ground again. And even still we have our moments when the pain from losing him becomes overwhelming and it takes a minute to regain our composure again.

Telling him you're there for him is ok but don't be too surprised if he gravitates toward his family. This was their dad. Not your dad. It feels different cause he wasn't your dad. You should try to give him a break and let him mourn his dad. Don't force him to hurry up and get over it because that's not helpful at all and he will only end up making him resent you.

Am i being to hard?

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