Aa
Avoidant Personality Disorder
I am addicted to love, which means I humiliate myself for the man I love.
I was dating a guy who dumped me because of his avoidant personality disorder. He loved me deeply, and said the disorder was the reason he dumped me.
I keep emailing him and he doesn't answer. This disorder makes him run away from love.
Our diseases just makes us to disconnect, but he was the love of my life.
I was dating a guy who dumped me because of his avoidant personality disorder. He loved me deeply, and said the disorder was the reason he dumped me.
I keep emailing him and he doesn't answer. This disorder makes him run away from love.
Our diseases just makes us to disconnect, but he was the love of my life.
Best Answer
please hang in there. i tried to spare you from A LOT of pain, anguish and disappointment when i warned you of the age difference. honestly, it has been the MOST frustrating, pull my hair out type of relationship in my life and there is only an 8 yr age difference. being that the guy is 8 yrs younger it seems like a much larger age gap because men mature slower than women. he may as well be 12 yrs old instead of 39 sometimes. i promise you it is horrible.
online dating can work. many, many people do it. to avoid being 'catfished' make sure you video chat with them. it gives you the luxury of picking from many men your age. beats the bar scene.
online dating can work. many, many people do it. to avoid being 'catfished' make sure you video chat with them. it gives you the luxury of picking from many men your age. beats the bar scene.
That relationship was the only meaningful thing I have had in my life in the last 7 years. If it was all a fantasy it means I haven't had any real good thing in my life in the last 7 years.
I am at my mom's house, taking care of her illnesses, lost my brother 4 years ago, don't have friends, don't work, I am bipolar and had such an intense high when I was with him, and now there is only depression and hopelessness.
I didn't think of the things you both said when I was with him. Many times he seemed to be more mature than I. Nor his age neither living in different countries made me think once that this wouldn't work. I was sure I had found the love of my life. But it seems I was only delusional.
I am at my mom's house, taking care of her illnesses, lost my brother 4 years ago, don't have friends, don't work, I am bipolar and had such an intense high when I was with him, and now there is only depression and hopelessness.
I didn't think of the things you both said when I was with him. Many times he seemed to be more mature than I. Nor his age neither living in different countries made me think once that this wouldn't work. I was sure I had found the love of my life. But it seems I was only delusional.
Of course love is hard to walk away from. and the time you spent together on line was lovely, and there was love. and it seems crazy to walk away from love. and you're probably very confused on some level, but i agree with nursegirl that on some level you had to of understood that there were many roadblocks to having a real relationship. The fact that you waited so long to meet, is a red flag. And unfortunately, we must all be adept at pointing out red flags in this life. I think that in the future, when another relationship comes along you will have learned some important lessons, from this last relationship. You will be less likely to be so invested in a relationship that is proving itself to be elusive. and that means something. It means that next time you will be more experienced, as will he be. I believe you said that you skyped, and had visuals on this boy, so you know that he was who he said he was. As there was no contact, i think your relationship was much like that between a mother and son. and that kind of relationship I know is profound. And you will miss that. Hopefully in the future, you may find a man with kids, because I think you could be important in a young person's life. I wasn't there so i don't know how much romantic love was involved in your relationship, but i do feel that the dynamic of yourself being there for a young person is not something that you have to give up. There are many young people that would love to know and communicate with you no doubt. If it were me,, i would look for a man who had kids, because i think that's an important relationship to you. I wish you the best, and hope that you continue to talk about your feelings and let us know how you're doing. Liz
Of course any ending of a relationship hurts, but you'll get through it. And, you cannot take this personally, it's not that he doesn't necessarily want YOU, it's just that there are way too many factors that just make this union impossible. It's the circumstances. While some may say that age isn't a factor, it absolutely is, especially when there is such a huge difference in years, and when two people are in two totally different phases of life.
Think about it, you're nearing retirement age, and he is only just out of high school, just starting out. That's night and day, it has nothing to do with who you are as a person. I think deep down, you know (and knew) all of this to be true...from the age difference, to the limitations of an online relationship, where people can avoid the IN PERSON interpersonal relationship that is needed.
Whether his disorder causes him to pull away from REAL in person interpersonal interaction or not is really a moot point. The relevant point is that he DOES struggle with that, which is a game changer unfortunately.
Maybe you were so into it BECAUSE of that. Maybe YOU are also fearful of getting close to someone in real life? I think it's important for you to explore all of that, so you can move on and seek out more appropriate, more fulfilling relationships that make sense.
Again, this isn't personal. I'm sure he was fond of you, it's just that there are way too many roadblocks up that make this impossible to take any further.
Take care of yourself.
Think about it, you're nearing retirement age, and he is only just out of high school, just starting out. That's night and day, it has nothing to do with who you are as a person. I think deep down, you know (and knew) all of this to be true...from the age difference, to the limitations of an online relationship, where people can avoid the IN PERSON interpersonal relationship that is needed.
Whether his disorder causes him to pull away from REAL in person interpersonal interaction or not is really a moot point. The relevant point is that he DOES struggle with that, which is a game changer unfortunately.
Maybe you were so into it BECAUSE of that. Maybe YOU are also fearful of getting close to someone in real life? I think it's important for you to explore all of that, so you can move on and seek out more appropriate, more fulfilling relationships that make sense.
Again, this isn't personal. I'm sure he was fond of you, it's just that there are way too many roadblocks up that make this impossible to take any further.
Take care of yourself.
I don't feel I am 50, and especially with him I felt as if I was his age.
You are all right, he doesn't want me and I should accept it.
My broken heart seems not to be able to heal.
Romantic love is so sacred to me and now I feel powerless.
I don't even can hear what you all say. It hurts too much.
You are all right, he doesn't want me and I should accept it.
My broken heart seems not to be able to heal.
Romantic love is so sacred to me and now I feel powerless.
I don't even can hear what you all say. It hurts too much.
http://www.meetup.com/cities/br/s%C3%A3o_paulo/
You sound like you need some distraction in your life now, i know how hard it is to be a caregiver to an elderly parent. and to feel alone.
There are so many clubs in Sao Paulo Brazil to name a few from the above website.......Hikers, Foodies. Crafters. Outdoor Adventurers, Philosophy, Contemporary Art, Social group meetings.
Be good too yourself, and I would try some one my own age, some one who is established and looking to retire and travel maybe. Sounds like a good goal to set for yourself? All the best to you. You are so lucky to live in Brazil. Don't waste a minute and get with others that want to have some fun~~I'm here if you want to talk. Liz
You sound like you need some distraction in your life now, i know how hard it is to be a caregiver to an elderly parent. and to feel alone.
There are so many clubs in Sao Paulo Brazil to name a few from the above website.......Hikers, Foodies. Crafters. Outdoor Adventurers, Philosophy, Contemporary Art, Social group meetings.
Be good too yourself, and I would try some one my own age, some one who is established and looking to retire and travel maybe. Sounds like a good goal to set for yourself? All the best to you. You are so lucky to live in Brazil. Don't waste a minute and get with others that want to have some fun~~I'm here if you want to talk. Liz
In your own words, you described this guy as "a beautiful boy"and not a man. Because you chose the word "boy" it leads me to believe that there might be a mother child dynamic going on between you both.,in small or great measure.
While you are writing your memoirs, he is barely beginning to start his own life (moreso than most 23 year olds, again, due to his aversion disorder).
The fact that that he has not gotten back to you at all, after having some time to regret his decision should tell you something. 23 year olds are not good at making a relationship decisions and not back tracking(
Had you and he become involved, he might be burying you when he was 38. It's not likely that he would have the opportunity to have children should you and he gotten together (and he found help with his aversion disorder).
Had you become involved,he would not have had any opportunity to have his own kids, (again, if/when he dealt with his disorder).
And since you understand loss, a relationship with you as opposed to someone his own age, would likely mean that he would be starting over at 50 to find a new companion, or he'd be alone for the rest of his life.
It sounds like he has had to do some soul searching, and I think you should respect his decision and not call or email him any further. I think you need to take some time to yourself, and start a new hobby that has had your interest but you've not attempted it yet. You don't want to get into a rebound relationship. swimming, book clubs, etc. and get out there and People meet people through friends often, and I think you should give that at try.
i'm sorry that you're feeling imprisoned. The answer for that is to get out and about in the community, and i think a part time job, or jobs, and belonging to groups, book clubs, public swimming, over 50 groups of any kind would be so good for you right now. It' will make you feel better rather than stewing in something that's unobtainable.
While you are writing your memoirs, he is barely beginning to start his own life (moreso than most 23 year olds, again, due to his aversion disorder).
The fact that that he has not gotten back to you at all, after having some time to regret his decision should tell you something. 23 year olds are not good at making a relationship decisions and not back tracking(
Had you and he become involved, he might be burying you when he was 38. It's not likely that he would have the opportunity to have children should you and he gotten together (and he found help with his aversion disorder).
Had you become involved,he would not have had any opportunity to have his own kids, (again, if/when he dealt with his disorder).
And since you understand loss, a relationship with you as opposed to someone his own age, would likely mean that he would be starting over at 50 to find a new companion, or he'd be alone for the rest of his life.
It sounds like he has had to do some soul searching, and I think you should respect his decision and not call or email him any further. I think you need to take some time to yourself, and start a new hobby that has had your interest but you've not attempted it yet. You don't want to get into a rebound relationship. swimming, book clubs, etc. and get out there and People meet people through friends often, and I think you should give that at try.
i'm sorry that you're feeling imprisoned. The answer for that is to get out and about in the community, and i think a part time job, or jobs, and belonging to groups, book clubs, public swimming, over 50 groups of any kind would be so good for you right now. It' will make you feel better rather than stewing in something that's unobtainable.
I'm sorry You've had so much anguish but I fail to see how this relationship could contribute any thing positive for You.
The day He was born You were older than He is now. He needs to experience life from HIS age and HIS point of view. He was a teenager only FOUR years ago!! You passed teenage THIRTY ONE years ago - that's big!! That's real big!!
At Your age and with Your situation You need a MUCH more mature partner.
Good Luck, I Wish You Well
The day He was born You were older than He is now. He needs to experience life from HIS age and HIS point of view. He was a teenager only FOUR years ago!! You passed teenage THIRTY ONE years ago - that's big!! That's real big!!
At Your age and with Your situation You need a MUCH more mature partner.
Good Luck, I Wish You Well
I agree 100% with the replies you've been given.
The one thing I hear a lot in your posts is a lot of blaming your "diseases" (his AND yours). While there is no doubt that having a mental disorder can affect the way you relate to others, you're certainly not powerless over that, and neither is he. When you continue to place the blame on the disorder, versus the decisions and actions of others, it's giving that person a "pass", which isn't healthy. And if the disorder IS so debilitating that it causes a person to be unable to maintain relationships, then that person needs to do whatever it takes to help themselves.
I too am sorry you've suffered such loss, but sweetie, I think you're confusing your feelings for this young man. I think you're looking to replace something that's missing in you, and he came along, said and did the right things. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but just FEELINGS are never enough to make a relationship work, and in this case, like you were told, there are SO many factors that make this an unrealistic match.
I would urge you to continue working on YOU, stay on top of your bipolar treatment, which hopefully includes therapy. Therapy is very important. You need to work through all of your losses, and try to find out why you're feeling so strongly about not being by yourself for now. Why you would overlook SO many of the obvious things about this man that would make MOST people head for the hills...and on top of that, continue to try to pursue him when it's VERY clear he's either unwilling or unable to take the next (and normal) step in a relationship.
I wish you the very best, and hope you start making YOU a priority.
The one thing I hear a lot in your posts is a lot of blaming your "diseases" (his AND yours). While there is no doubt that having a mental disorder can affect the way you relate to others, you're certainly not powerless over that, and neither is he. When you continue to place the blame on the disorder, versus the decisions and actions of others, it's giving that person a "pass", which isn't healthy. And if the disorder IS so debilitating that it causes a person to be unable to maintain relationships, then that person needs to do whatever it takes to help themselves.
I too am sorry you've suffered such loss, but sweetie, I think you're confusing your feelings for this young man. I think you're looking to replace something that's missing in you, and he came along, said and did the right things. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but just FEELINGS are never enough to make a relationship work, and in this case, like you were told, there are SO many factors that make this an unrealistic match.
I would urge you to continue working on YOU, stay on top of your bipolar treatment, which hopefully includes therapy. Therapy is very important. You need to work through all of your losses, and try to find out why you're feeling so strongly about not being by yourself for now. Why you would overlook SO many of the obvious things about this man that would make MOST people head for the hills...and on top of that, continue to try to pursue him when it's VERY clear he's either unwilling or unable to take the next (and normal) step in a relationship.
I wish you the very best, and hope you start making YOU a priority.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm so sorry you've had such loss. I too have suffered some great losses over those I've loved. It hurts. Are you keeping up with your doctors, psychologists and your medication? It is SO important. I can't stress that enough. Even without bipolar these things are painful---- and if you are prone to depression, it can be dangerous.
I would stay away from the internet for meeting people in the future. there is often a reason why someone is interested in internet relationships. It is much better to meet people within the context of our own life.
And so much is ahead of you with regards to your life dear! Try to do something you enjoy this week. And again, I do encourage you to find some type of employment outside of the home.
Leave this young man alone and move on. It sounds like what he wants.
Time heals. Hang in there hon. peace and hugs
I would stay away from the internet for meeting people in the future. there is often a reason why someone is interested in internet relationships. It is much better to meet people within the context of our own life.
And so much is ahead of you with regards to your life dear! Try to do something you enjoy this week. And again, I do encourage you to find some type of employment outside of the home.
Leave this young man alone and move on. It sounds like what he wants.
Time heals. Hang in there hon. peace and hugs
It was real. He is a beautiful boy, but his mental illness forbiddens him of being touched by me. He was a virgin because of that.
We used to talk every day for hours, he used to cook in front of me, we used to play games, we edited my book together. He was the most romantic person I've ever known.
After he dumped me I went to USA and tried to help him, but he panicked. I could see the symptoms. He must be suffering for this more than I.
I am just unlucky.
I am sorry, but I am tired of losing people. I take care of my elderly mom and face death every day. My brother died in 2010, my dog died in 2011, and I was dumped last year. I can't take this any longer.
We used to talk every day for hours, he used to cook in front of me, we used to play games, we edited my book together. He was the most romantic person I've ever known.
After he dumped me I went to USA and tried to help him, but he panicked. I could see the symptoms. He must be suffering for this more than I.
I am just unlucky.
I am sorry, but I am tired of losing people. I take care of my elderly mom and face death every day. My brother died in 2010, my dog died in 2011, and I was dumped last year. I can't take this any longer.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'll be honest. You mention several things that are a bit of a red flag for me for ANY relationship. The relationship was basically an online thing. At 23, he should be out there meeting people and 'living' life rather than doing it from behind a screen. Then there is the rather large age difference. While that can sometimes work, most often it is problematic when it is that big of a gap and when both have separate issues that they are dealing with, might be more a sign of a dysfunctional situation than anything else.
The other issue with a strictly online relationship and a break right before meeting is that the whole thing could have been contrived. There's a whole tv show about people that play around on the internet and misrepresent themselves. You could have been conversing with a teenage girl to be honest. It's a classic sign of something not being right when someone doesn't want to really want to meet in person.
Being bipolar is difficult and I feel for you. Are you taking your medication religiously?? Are you keeping your doctor's appointments?? So important to do so especially if you are not in a depression. I would also try to find employment. For lots of reasons but primarily for your own sense of self. When regulated through proper treatment, those with bipolar usually function quite well and can work.
This boyfriend represented lots of things for you, I'm sure. It was freedom and escape from the idea of living at home with your mom. It was easy as that is much easier than when you are having to deal with someone in person. Etc. I know it is very challenging to give that up but I'm afraid that it might not have been what you imagined it to be in reality any way.
I'm so sorry as I know this is painful for you. Relationships ending crush us inside. I get that. Please try to stay busy and be kind to yourself. peace and hugs
The other issue with a strictly online relationship and a break right before meeting is that the whole thing could have been contrived. There's a whole tv show about people that play around on the internet and misrepresent themselves. You could have been conversing with a teenage girl to be honest. It's a classic sign of something not being right when someone doesn't want to really want to meet in person.
Being bipolar is difficult and I feel for you. Are you taking your medication religiously?? Are you keeping your doctor's appointments?? So important to do so especially if you are not in a depression. I would also try to find employment. For lots of reasons but primarily for your own sense of self. When regulated through proper treatment, those with bipolar usually function quite well and can work.
This boyfriend represented lots of things for you, I'm sure. It was freedom and escape from the idea of living at home with your mom. It was easy as that is much easier than when you are having to deal with someone in person. Etc. I know it is very challenging to give that up but I'm afraid that it might not have been what you imagined it to be in reality any way.
I'm so sorry as I know this is painful for you. Relationships ending crush us inside. I get that. Please try to stay busy and be kind to yourself. peace and hugs
find a more appropriate relationship. what in the world do you have in common with a 23 yr old? i am 47 and I am with a 39 yr old and that is highly annoying. guys mature slower than women anyway, but holy he!!. honestly this relationship i am in is never going to work because of the age difference. i do not want another kid to raise. you want someone who knows who JFK and the Beatles were at least..
I understand having an online relationship, that is where i met mine, but there is way too big of an age difference and the kid probably realized that when it came time to meet. there are too many man men our age out there to mess with someone that young. you could find a seasoned world traveler. someone who can actually show you things you have never experienced.
I understand having an online relationship, that is where i met mine, but there is way too big of an age difference and the kid probably realized that when it came time to meet. there are too many man men our age out there to mess with someone that young. you could find a seasoned world traveler. someone who can actually show you things you have never experienced.
You may be right, but there are several things in this breaking up that makes my mind try to help him.
We dated for 7 months and talked for 4 hours a day. The relationship was online. He is a virgin. He is 23 and I am 50.
He broke up with me when we were about to meet in person.
I was writing my memoir and he was helping me to edit. He knows my life better than I do.
I have bipolar disorder and was extremely happy when we were together. I am in deep depression now.
I don't work, and live with my 84 year old mom.
That relationship was the only escape I had from this prison.
We dated for 7 months and talked for 4 hours a day. The relationship was online. He is a virgin. He is 23 and I am 50.
He broke up with me when we were about to meet in person.
I was writing my memoir and he was helping me to edit. He knows my life better than I do.
I have bipolar disorder and was extremely happy when we were together. I am in deep depression now.
I don't work, and live with my 84 year old mom.
That relationship was the only escape I had from this prison.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome. Sorry you are hurting and missing someone you considered special.
Well, whether it is his disorder or feelings you are unaware of, this man is really letting you know it is time to move on. Stop emailing him. Do not contact him. Consider, although it is painful, that he is moving on and that what you had together is over. it does, I'm sorry to say, sound like it is.
And as you know on some level, the two of you had issues that were causing a toxic situation. If you are over needy and 'addicted to love' and he is someone that needs space---- then this would never work. Or at least be really hard and relationships shouldn't be that hard, right? They are all work but that is different than true struggling.
I would distract yourself! Dive into things you've wanted to do or your hobbies or work. Spend time with family and friends. keep really busy. And actively switch your mind to think about something else when you drift to thoughts of him or wanting to contact him.
And sweetie, you'll meet someone else. There is no ONE love for us in this lifetime. There is a world full of people and there are others out there for you. Have faith in that.
peace
Well, whether it is his disorder or feelings you are unaware of, this man is really letting you know it is time to move on. Stop emailing him. Do not contact him. Consider, although it is painful, that he is moving on and that what you had together is over. it does, I'm sorry to say, sound like it is.
And as you know on some level, the two of you had issues that were causing a toxic situation. If you are over needy and 'addicted to love' and he is someone that needs space---- then this would never work. Or at least be really hard and relationships shouldn't be that hard, right? They are all work but that is different than true struggling.
I would distract yourself! Dive into things you've wanted to do or your hobbies or work. Spend time with family and friends. keep really busy. And actively switch your mind to think about something else when you drift to thoughts of him or wanting to contact him.
And sweetie, you'll meet someone else. There is no ONE love for us in this lifetime. There is a world full of people and there are others out there for you. Have faith in that.
peace
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Break ups are painful. I've been through them to. I've been face down in the carpet crying my eyes out. Top the normal hurt and sad feelings with depression based on your mental health situation, and I'm sure you are very low. I so encourage you to make sure you are treating your depression and bipolar fully. Then you'll be dealing with the sadness but not on the level of also dealing with true clinical depression. Do you see a doctor? Do you see a therapist??
I keep asking because I just want reassurance you are treating your disorder appropriately right now which is so important to get through this time period.
I am sure taking care of your mom is hard. You need respite time. You need to get out of that house. Go for a walk. Go to the library. Join some kind of group--- any kind of group. And be WITH people. I really believe that will help but know it is overwhelming when you are dealing with depression. But try. Please please try.
I am so sorry but this relationship with this man is over. he's not calling you, texting you, emailing you. He's moving on. You have no choice. And that hurts. But that is the situation.
peace and hugs.