BF obsessed with masturbation and hates it

[daisy_x]

Hello, tis can be long but I really need help. I’m 20 years old and so is he. We’ve been together for 2 years. We both lost our virginity to eachother in the first few months of the relationship, and also we had sex like 7 times following the first one. After the first 5-6 months we stopped and agreed that we shouldn’t have sex anymore. After that, we did some stuff involving oral sex, and then he felt guilty for that also. So he told me that we shouldn’t do it either, that he didn’t think it was right. We have been doing the same thing which is making out for the past year. Sometimes he loses his control and ejaculates after we touch eachother, but immediately after he gets SO angry and upset, it ruins the whole day for both of us. He regrets it. We talked about it a lot.

A tear ago he told me about his habit of masturbating to lesbians. Which did upset me at first, but then I accepted it, I said that he can do it as long as he is thinking healthy. But he isn’t. He tries to stop himself from masturbating or any sex related thing (as long as he gets hard) (which happens when we kiss). I understand and respect his opinion of not having sex until marriage, because he told me the reason for that is that sex is for child making purposes, usage of condoms and such just prevent the natire from working etc. I respect that, and it’s no problem for me. Even though I would love to have sex with him, since I’m atracted to him, and him only, and I want him to be my only partner. He agrees, but is so confused about this subject. He reads a lot, poems, novels, Bible, he is very very intelligent too, he is a very good person, loves to help everyone, but deep down he has this dark side. When he gets “horny” he thinks about awful stuff. When he gets the urge to masturbate, he cant just do it and get it over with. He thinks about kt too much and he ks convinced that it’s wrong. He also told me that he gets aroused by lesbians, other women in the street and masturbates when he gets home. He told me that’s cheating and he gets very UPSET about it like he just can’t function and he punishes himself via hitting or biting himself until it gets bruised which gets me very upset. The fact that he dooesnt want to fo anything sexual with me but masturbates to other women is very upsetting but I just want him to be okay because I’m sure he loves me and we are both very attracted to eachother as he gets hard to the sight of me and we would have an amazing sex life, if we had sex once in a while. He feels guilty because he talks about Christianity and does this stuff, I tell him I’ll marry him and I love him, he says no to everything, oral sex or masturbation together too. He feels bad doing them but does bery nasty stuff on his own/has perverted thoughts.

I was an atheist before we met, and had only one bf who was more like a friend to me, and only sexual thing I did before was to kiss that boyfriend a few times and masturbate on my own once in a while. (I had no interest in partners or sex) When I experienced love for the first time, I enjoyed kissing, hugging, touching, sex. Also I’m more grown up now. We live in turkey and it’s a muslim country, but he was interested in christianity and he was kind of “obsessed” with it. (Still is). He taught me about Christianity and I also became interested and loved it, felt at peace etc (what a proper way of religion does to a person). I believe in good, royalty, honesty etc and live by these mottos in my daily life. We promised we would get married and I have no concerns, I trust life. But I’m very young and I love him, so does he, he gets mad everytime he feels something sexual and immediately wants to stop, but then he can’t stop. He ejaculates and gets filled with anger, stress and sadness. I convinced him to see a shrink for depression (we both take medications) but he hasnt talked about sexual stuff to the shrink, which is his main problem. I am trying to be patient but it gets very upsetting as he has hit me and yelled very bad words when he gets into a mental breakdown, which happens a lot. We normally are very healthy and happy, we drink coffee and go to college together, also live in the same neighborhood.

[RockRose]

I don't see this working out long term,  Daisy,  and I highly doubt being married will change his feelings of guilt over his sexual desires and behaviors.  This is not what you want in a long term partner.  Don't wait until you have two kids to realize this.  

[daisy_x]

I understand but I don’t want to let go. I still think that we can solve every problem if we want to. I just need to make sure he’s going to do something about it now, because I talked to him again and he took it well, decided to see a therapist. But before he apologised and agreed with me he said some awful stuff again. I’m sure he loves me a lot and he is just depressed and confused about life, religion and sex. It’s getting better and will get better from what it seems for now. Thank you for your concerns. I often think and freak out about thing not working between us. But I want to trust life and fight for love. I’m not doing anything I will regret, other than hurting myself emotionally, from which I can always heal. Relationships are hard but this one is worth it, im sure. He’s my first love, and I don’t want to give up on him. Thank tou guys all for amazing comments. I’ll ask more when I have some because this site is really amazing and I’m a very troubled teen and I found so much help in so little time here. Thank you all. Your comments are so insightful and I actually don’t bump i to people with noce thoughts like this on a daily basis, as it sucks here in turkey. It’s almost impossible not to be depressed and be logical at the same time.

[TruthLady]

All right. I could assume he was deeply religious as soon as I read first few sentences. I respect other people's religious beliefs, but not if those same beliefs hurt them or those around them. Monks, priests, nuns and other deeply religious people live their life in celibacy but they are completely in control of their sexual desired, or more clearly: they don't have any. They learn over course of time to keep those desires at bay until they get completely frigid.
Your boyfriend is not it. He is a young man with completely healthy sexual drive. He SHOULD NOT suppress those desires, and sex or masturbation only because he's religious.  It is human, and it is normal, and if he is a real believer he knows that every human on this planet is sinful, and that is only human. Also God forgives those sins. Having sex with his girlfriend won't send him to hell. What is worrisome here are his anger outburst cause he couldn't contain his sexual desires (which are normal reaction of human body, it would be like me getting aggravated cause I got hungry). Now he is  furious about that, what will it be tomorrow?
These suppression of the sexual ideas will only get him frustrated and those frustrations will bring about even worse ideas to his mind,, and then he will hate himself for that and so on and on it goes. You say this is the right way of practicing religion it is so much about love and joy and this and that. Is it really? Cause from what you say both of you are miserable cause of the restraint the religion has placed on both of you. I've seen the instances of deeply religious people and what the restrains of it made them do.
Also when you get married, he said he will have sex only for sake of procreating. Are you satisfied to the idea of having sex only few times, for child making?  Sex is beautiful thing that happens between two people who love and care for one another and you shouldn't deprive yourself of it. You're young and you will regret living the life of constant denying of the thing you desire. Also "I am trying to be patient but it gets very upsetting as he has hit me and yelled very bad words when he gets into a mental breakdown, which happens a lot." - this is huge red flag. He seems to not give you any love you deserve but you are so hung up on this guy. Think again if you want to marry someone like this. He gets upset for being sexually aroused and think that is a sin, but to him is not a sin to hit a woman who loves him?! Although if you have forgiven this I don't think we can help you.
Try to make him see that he should talk to the shrink about these sexual stuff. Although being he is religious as he is, I doubt he will accept any advice in that regard.

[daisy_x]

I COMPLETELY agree with you, I told all of this stuff to him peronally several times, he is not religious like a priest, he is just your average christian teen. In his thoughts, he is the most sinful person because of this sexual stuff, he disgusts himself. Therefore he punishes himself and actually “sins”. He knows all of these but it’s like a cycle he cannot break, I recommended him to see the shrink to maybe take some meds to cut down his sexual drive, idk. Until he solves the issue. He loves me A LOT and is an amazing boyfirend/person apart from this, but whenever we start doing couples do, he gets into these thoughts as if we’re doing something bad. He agrees with all of your comments, he tells me that his mind is hell and violent when he lets the thoughts go, and he can’t help himself. He says he can’t help getting horny(which is normal) when we ever so rarely do something sexual without regret, I GET PARANOID if he’s gonna be okay or angry or hurt, I can’t enjoy the moment at all... Also he’s 24, i wrote that wrong.

[TruthLady]

Trust me, average christian boys do have sex. Bible prohibits promiscuity. What form of christianity does he practice? All signs scream - Catholicism. He should probably know that Catholicism is so strict an inaccurate in its teachings that it made huge chunk break off and form protestant Christianity - that poses no restrictions whatsoever. If you are good person, if you don't kill, or steal or ruin people's lives it doesn't bother with happenings in your bedroom or what you eat or not. That is why protestant oriented nations are most developed currently. I was born in orthodox christian country. Orthodox Christianity promotes not having sex before marriage, but it also doesn't hold it above your head if you do. We have these periods of fasting in orthodox christ.where you purify your body so you eat vegan food, you pure your mind of impure thoughts (not have sex, dont gamble, dont argue with others) and at the end of fasting you go and confess your sins to the priest, if you're willing to. In the end you can always repent, and BAM: You're forgiven. But no religion should police your thought. It is simply impossible. People are what they are and different kind of thoughts come to their mind. That is why 2 huge christian wings have given up on policing the tought. Do what you wanna do with stuff in your pants, just be a good person and things will be fine. Which sounds kinda logical. Do you think the creator of whole universe, all the planets, every little or big thing on every planet in existence, and billion of billion galaxies would bother watching you masturbate? Or have sex? No, its not logical. (this was mostly adressed at him)
A lot of religious believers know that bible was written with people's values of 2000 -6000 years ago. And it wasn't the god himself who wrote the book, but his disciples (even bible itself credits them), so of course they would write in the personal beliefs. This is why people cherry pick their religious texts, cause some stuff written in there are simply outrageous. There are passages in the bible that promote slave ownership and beating of women, and calling women ownership of their husbands. Please be smart when reading this. It was catholicism who burned thousands of people for practicing different religion, or different form of christianity. It was catholicism who tortured and killed thousands of women for "witchcraft". It was catholicism who killed scientists, and researches for claiming things which we know are true now (like earth revolving around the sun, or earth being round globe). Please be smart when practicing religion. Don't get sucked into it and let it control your life and your mind. There is a reason why in countries with most strict religious rules people struggle with having basic rights, women get stoned to death for being raped, and societies are stuck in middle ages mindset and therefore economical development.
I think your boyfriend is too far gone. But if he finds a church there and talk to a priest, maybe the priest will give him green light to have sex with his feyoncee (cause he said he wants to marry you and you agreed). Don't make him take the pills to lower his libido, he is still young and chemical castration will not help him, quite the opposite.
Also if he is at all into science (being he's in college I assume he is at least a bit) research together the positive impact that orgasm have on body and mind. If he can orgasm and have sex with his girl guilt free both of you will be much much happier.

[daisy_x]

Thank you so much. This is so helpful. I’ve been telling all of these to him for the past 2 years as we have a lot of intellectual conversations about everything but he can'thelp himself. He taught me a lot about life, love and religion but he can’t practice what you wrote himself. He told me the exact things you wrote and completely changed me as a person and I’ve never been happier and better in life. However he has then lost his perspective of positiveness. He rants about this stuff all the time but most of the time he cant apply them to his life. He hates the world and people, their way of life and things they do. He doesn’t understand that he is an independent person and we can have our own life and own values and own acts. As long as we are happy, good and at peace. He obsessively thinks about his and people’s actions and always has something bad to say. He never forgives himself. I strongly believe the main problem is depression and OCD. Of course after 20 mins of shrink he couldn’t have told all of his problems throughly as he doesn’t trust very easily. Also when he was a child he visited a lot of therapists and they weren’t helpful so he lost his belief for their practice and help. I think after seeing your comment he might have some second thoughts as someone in the other side of the world just agreed and told my exact opinions to him. Maybe he will come tohis senses and starts thinking “maybe I’m doing wrong”. He is so obsessed, it’s ruining us. I’m constantly worried about him being OK when we’re apart. I become paranoid when we kiss etc. I get scared to do anything excessive because I’m a very horny person around him and it makes me happy to become intimate with him. I used to always think I never deserved love or happiness but after him I just don’t even need anyone else. It’s fine if we have sex or not, but I think exactly like you about this subject and I want to have a good time with him. His mind is unhealthy and he doesn’t wanna act up about it. He thinks he only has sexual problems but in fact his mental health is not adequate. You might ring some bells in his head. Before we met, I was never interested in anyone, I was always interested in sex and I never thought it was a sinful or bad thing, I’ve always wanted it but waited for the roght person to trust. And when I found him, he is so confused and even knows less than me. He thinks he knows a lot but at the same time he says “ we don’t know what’s right, let’s not do it, it feels wrong I feel guilty “. He feels so good, and he gets so turned on and horny and then he thinks it’s super bad, super sonful and super dirty. And as tou said we’re definetely engaged as we promised to eachother and I have no doubts he is my soulmate but he is so ignorant about his problems. He gets shy and embarassed when we talk about it. I love him but when he’s so mature about everything else and so childish about this, you can’t even show him a second opinion or get him to think a second time. Whew, sorry. Maybe I’ll post another thread more organized because I was like ranting and frustrated so much I couldn’t get the main thing out. I wrote a very long answer but somehow it didn’t post. I’m going to show your answer to him. I love you for doing this and you seem like an amazing person, thank you.

[AnnieBrooke]

Does he have a young priest that he trusts, in whom to confide? If he were to talk to a Catholic priest about this, however, he will probably be told what he is doing and thinking is all a sin and it will make things worse. I wish the Catholic Church would ignore issues of sex and sexuality with the exception of cleaving to one partner, it would make people so much less confused and fearful. If he is a Christian but not Catholic, he might get some comfort in talking to a priest about his confusion over these things.

[TruthLady]

Yeah Annie I was thinking the same. I am hoping however that priests in Turkey are bit more progressive, but it is highly unlikely being that Turkey is majorly Islamic nation and Islam goes pretty similar way around sex as catholic Crhirstianity, so the chances that there is more progressive mindset there is practically nill. I think he took this god worship a bit to literally, and placed himself in rather medeival mindset. I just don't know why as people who find god at some point in their life describe it as a pretty life changing and amazing feeling and it brought them so much happiness. And this boy is quite the opposite, his religion makes him miserable. I can bet that he also takes sins of other people to close to his heart and rages when anyone does something ungodly. That is no way to live a happy life. I also think there is something deeper going on with him, mentally, as people who suffer from some psychiatric disorder have the tendency to obsess about religious texts. It happened to my mother before she had her psychotic break, and every time she is going trough periods of lucidity she gets obsessed with religion.