BF rejected my proposal. Another man proposed and I dont find myself attracted

[RachelGreenIndia]

Boyfriend rejected my proposal. Someone else proposed to me and I dont find myself attracted to him.
This guy on paper is great. Just agrees to me as I am. No great education or job or any special features. BUt I think will be a peaceful life with not many egos/etc.
But I just cant imagine myself having sex with him. I know Im not asexual because all I think is me and the boyfriend together and having children and now all those came crashing down.
I am 40 now so theres this panic of having a child fast. This guy who propsed to me is also 40+ and I know the wait for "emotional connect" will be very less and soon hes going to get restless. Im just worried that if I marry and that connect doesnt happen, thats a different battle. There are many couples in india who get married to strangers and then a baby is ready in 9 months. What am I missing? Do I have a condition?

[specialmom]

I am extremely practical when it comes to these matters.  A good companion would be my goal.  For some, sexual interaction isn't their hot button.  they'd rather have the peace and safety and companionship of a solid relationship as a trade off from the ups and downs of that super sexy relationship.  However, you sound very much like you already know this isn't the person for you.  And just because someone is available and offering, doesn't mean you have to accept.  I understand the urge to make it easy.  And hey, if you so desire, it could work out knowing that you are compromising some things to have a life with a man and a family.  My wildly romantic relationships ended and those men would not have been good husbands.  Period.  But then I found one that I enjoy, relate to and am also attracted to but it is peaceful.  Been married over 20 years now.  Practical worked for me.  :>))  

Remember that being in a rotten marriage is horrible.  So, while you may not have bells and whistles, you want to be happy over all.  So, pick wisely.  

[AnnieBrooke]

You happen to live in a country where women can get pregnant a little later in life due to the availability of IVF, so don't panic and make a bad life choice. One thing you can do right away is find a reputable clinic and get your eggs frozen. That will give you a bit of a breather timewise to find someone to marry who you actually can imagine having sex with.

The problem with marrying a man with whom you simply can't picture having sex is that many men, especially in India but really all over the world, see sex as a right (to the point unfortunately of violence in some of the terrible cases in India that have been in the news). It's a cultural expectation even with the nicest guys that if they are married, they get sex pretty much on demand or close to it. If you marry him and try to avoid sleeping with him, after a while even if you married the most patient guy (and even if he didn't come from a culture where men feel they get sex without having to consider how the woman feels about it), you'll have to deal with sulks, anger, demands, or worse, and that will carry over into your marriage overall. Please do both of yourselves a favor, and gently explain to him that while you are tempted because you want children, you are not sexually attracted to him. He might surprise you by not caring, but it doesn't sound like it. You owe him that much of an explanation, and the chance to understand your feelings.

[RachelGreenIndia]

THis one - Exactly this one is my fear:
"It's a cultural expectation even with the nicest guys that if they are married, they get sex pretty much on demand or close to it. "

But his family and my family also say that most arranged marriages happen like that, splly in India. And that if you stay together for a while, then these things will develop over time.  Thats a good theory and I would also like to go for it, but there is some nudging thought that if it were this bf , then I will have a healthy mental/sexual life. I think thats a love failure theory that most people go through.

I would also like to add that - around 12 years back I went into an arranged marriage. Completely stranger. In one week, his father called my father complaining that your daughter is not sleeping with my son. Evidently, the guy told his father. And they tried more abuse but I think I was too scared to deal with it and walked out. I didnt have trust anymore and love never was built.
Is this still the trauma that Im living with? I have friends who were divorced , lost partners and they go remarried and had children in these 12 years already. Why am I clinging on to past?

[AnnieBrooke]

I think the problem is not so much that you are clinging to the past, though perhaps to some extent you are because you keep comparing this unexciting man who wants to marry you with the apparently more exciting (to you) guy who has disdained you. (Advice: stop brooding about the old boyfriend, his refusal of you is an insult and that makes him no prize.) Anyway, it seems more that the problem is that you live in a country whose cultural value is arranged marriages, but you find it hard to believe (from your experience) that a marriage started with no basis in love can be happy, or that sexual interest can develop if it was not there in the first place. This seems normal to me, but I live in the United States. It must be quite a counter-cultural opinion in India. I can see that with the connection in your mind of abuse and marriage, no wonder you have your doubts.

In the United States, the feeling among a lot of women is that after marrying a man you are wildly in love with, the first two or three years are romantic and sexy, but after a while the froth dies down and the couple develops their relationship to a different level,  a warm, loving relationship that is the most important one they have, and still includes sex, but is no longer like the giddy days when courtship put a lustful glow onto everything. The fact that love changes over time in marriage is why countries with arranged marriage say their system is not any worse than the Western model, in short, every successful long-term marriage under either system theoretically gets to the same place in the end.

I still don't think this obliges you to marry either a total stranger or someone for whom you feel no desire whatsoever, especially if you really don't want to. That is asking for a lot of future discord.

As the earlier poster asked, if having children is your object, can you imagine or afford life as a single woman raising a child or children? It would be better than being in a marriage and being abused for not wanting sex.

[RachelGreenIndia]

Yes, just because he rejected doesnt make him a prize. Read somewhere that women always want a man that they cant get.  Maybe thats the glamour Im giving stupidly to him.

I want to have a family. That was something that I wanted all my life. job, love, husband, house, children. In that order. As I keep getting older, Im trying to adjust to the thought of changing the order to job, house, love, husband, children.  I just came as far as only love so far. Husband & Sex are an important part too. For my age and the failures that I have had, it feels like Im still in the dreamy 20 year old phase. I should by now should make peace that sleeping with a man without emotion should be ok. Just like a job where you are not fully satisfied, but you still do it. I might have wanted to be an astronaut or a doctor when younger. But thats not the case. There are ups and downs everywhere.
(I just re-read above and it sounds depressing, but Ill leave it since they seem my real thoughts)

[AnnieBrooke]

Even if you take this attitude, however, your potential husband has to understand you feel this way, so he knows what he is walking in to.

[AnnieBrooke]

Unless, of course, you don't want him to know because you would rather marry him than risk having him walk away, even if it means years of having sex with someone to whom you are not attracted.

[AnnieBrooke]

(I just think he deserves to know. His response might be that it doesn't matter to him, but at least you will have warned him in advance.)

[auntiejessi]

When you look for a car or a home, you look for cool features that shine and look important. When you look for a husband, or a life partner, you look for things like kindness, stability, caring, honesty, reliability, sense of humor, etc.

Those things matter so much more, and will help you get through really hard times, than a fancy education or important job.

That said, if you aren't attracted to him, and can't imagine having sex with him, babies won't come if you can't have sex with him. And sure, some people get married just to have babies, but then what happens after the babies come? Then you are married to this man you barely know for the rest of your life, and you aren't even sure you like him.

If you want to be a mother, can you adopt? Is that possible as a single woman in India? I mean, that sounds nicer than being with some man you kind of like but aren't really attracted to, right?