Beating myself up. Ashamed and disgusted. Advice?

[Jay1jjs]

Hi there,

So here I go. I'm in a relationship with my soul mate. Its been almost 2 years She is a great loyal beautiful girl and does everything for me.

Howner I Let her down lastnight big time.

I went out with friends from work and ended up getting drunk and wild and ended up in a few strip clubs. I had a lapdance of a dancer, although nothing happened sexually as such it was touchy feely with the dancer kissing me however I moved.

My friend then decided it would be good idea to go to a brothel in a dangerous area we're not familiar with. We got there and the girl was asking me for money. I came to my senses and left without doing anything.

I woke up today thinking what on earth am I doing? Do I tell her? Should I learn from this and don't tell her and move forward?

I was so destroyed this morning I even told my mother about the strip club who stated it was wrong but it's not worth telling my partner because it would cause major issues.

I will be honest i've visited strip clubs before and always felt guilty after, however this was the first time going to a brothel. It was also be the last. Although I didn't do anything the initial thought going there scares me and made me realise how foolish I am.

Today I feel scared, ashamed and disgusted. Any advice would be so beneficial right now.

[Chima7]

You should definitely NOT "fight for her" as you say. Because the reason for the breakup is all on you and you haven't even started working on your many deep seated issues in order to be a worthy partner for her. Instead of wasting any more of her time being in a relationship with someone whose feelings you keep hurting repeatedly, you need to put yourself into therapy and start attending AA meetings to get your alcohol problem under control. Until and unless you fix yourself on the inside, you will never be able to be a worthy partner to anyone. In order to truly work through your issues you should take a long break from dating. A year or more of intense working on yourself might help you get back on the right track.

As far as this relationship goes, it's done. You need to walk away and dedicate yourself to becoming a better person. Because you should want to be a better person and lead your life with integrity and loyalty instead of getting drunk and doing dumb things. You're not a kid anymore, you're a grown man and you need to start behaving like one.

[AnnieBrooke]

I think your mom is correct in thinking it would do more harm than good to unburden your guilty conscience by telling your girlfriend, since this is the only time you are ever going to do such a thing.  If you thought you were going to do it again, your girlfriend should get a warning so she can decide if she wants to be in a relationship with you, but since you are clear you will not, all it will do is cause her to stop trusting you.  

[Jay1jjs]

Thank you for your respose.

I admit this isn't the first time it's happened.

Despite not telling my girlfriend what happened as I know nothing good would of came from it. I told her I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused her for things i've done in the past. She does think we should end our relationship as I keep hurting her and she does't deserve it.

I've made this same mistake before in terms of visiting strip clubs. I just never been to a brothel.

I'm willing to visit a counsellor to fight whatever issues I have.

The hard part is loosing someone who loved and believed in me so much.

Right now, i'm at rock bottom due to my own behaviour. I'm not sure If I should fight for her or let her go?

Thank you for listening never the less.

Thanks.

[bigtim810]

Honesty is always your best bet because if you lie to her and she finds out that you lied then it's going to create a bigger trust issue and more problems and hurt her even more I'm telling you from experience when you mess up fess up because if you always be honest with her even though that Honesty might hurt her it will be easier to move on with your relationship in the long run. There's many things that happen in this world and there might come a time that you didn't do anything but you're getting accused of something but she don't believe you because you lied to her in the past. So instead of having one issue then you'll have two. If I was you I would tell the truth

[specialmom]

Alcohol sure can get us into trouble!  Let me say a few things===  the lap dance isn't cool but this could have been FAR worse.  You have a conscience which I'm glad to hear and, of course, this would bother your girlfriend.  Taking it to your grave sounds like a good idea.  Learning from it, GREAT idea.  But here is the problem--  is there anyone that might tell her about it?  I ask because years ago my husband went out with friends and they ended up at a strip club.  I know which one of his friends did things they shouldn't have.  He told me.  I'm friendly with their wives but they aren't like super close friends.  So, I didn't share the information.  But if I were better friends, I might have been tempted.  A couple had lap dances that were pretty intimate according to my husband and one flat out cheated.  The whole night was a little shocking to my husband so he unloaded it all to me.  One of those couples has since broken up as it wasn't an isolated event for that guy.  Anyway, if there is a chance that someone could leak the info to her or if there are any pictures on anyone's phone . . .   that would be the killer in not telling her.  

So, I think it will be okay.  Be a great boyfriend to her from now on and avoid scenes like that (Including the overindulgence of drinking).  good luck and let us know how it goes

[Nighthawk61]

So i looked back on your posts, regarding your relationship and you've now done this at least 3x without feeling the need to make changes, or use the advice you've been given. So, I don't think you're anywhere near ready to get married if you can't do those simple things, and i think that if it were me (your girlfriend) i would rather you be honest, since you cannot make the changes necessary. Every time you post this same story, people advise you not to say anything, because it would hurt your girlfriend, and she doesn't deserve it . I agree. I think you should think about leaving your girlfriend, and being single until you're ready to be part of a team (get the help you need not to get drunk, not to feel the need to see other women in sexual setting, not to feel the need to hang out with single males, or cheating males). 3 x you're out Jay. Take this seriously and do the work, or cut your girl loose. She's probably waiting for a ring, not an std.

Hard edge? yeah. You need help, not to be babied right now.

[Nighthawk61]

and no, you don't have to tell her about smacking someone's butt in a strip club, and leave her with that image. You can just say you're too young to be in an adult relationship or you have a drinking problem that you need to work on first.

[Nighthawk61]

Also, i think that the fact that you wrote this post, without being up front and telling folks here that this is not the first time, that in fact, this has pretty much been the "norm" throughout your relationship is you being in denial, and looking for sympathy for how bad you feel as opposed to recognizing this should possibly be the end of you being in a committed relationship, for your girlfriends sake.

I really think it is necessary for you to get a personal therapist to discuss what's become your "norm" with relation to controlling yourself with friends, with booze, with strippers and with prostitutes. Maybe you will be able to hear better, what you need help with, if it;s from a professional?

Good luck.

[Nighthawk61]

BTW, if you think that doing these things is the norm, it's not. There's plenty of men that would be embarrassed to have to get thrills from paid companions/dancers and would prefer a family life. That's what i've got, that's what your girl wants. I'm praying that she get's what she deserves. There are too many women crying from this type of immature behavior from their men.

[Nighthawk61]

You need therapy. You need an Addictions' Therapist that can help you to quit drinking, because you are unable to drink responsibly.

[Nighthawk61]

I think you're in denial, big time, about your being able to drink.

[Jay1jjs]

Hi there.

Firstly, thank you for your answer, the definely points you made I can totally relate to.

I admit this isn't the first time it's happneed. I pointed out in my original question I've visited strip clubs whlist being with my partner. I have told her about this once before in the past and it really hurt her.

I totally agree it's not the norm to behave like this and it's very out of character for myself and I realise (as close family have told me) I am not a good drunk.

When i'm not out with my friends drinking I spend most my time with my girl and it's great. Or I'm in the gym. A lot of people define me as boring but crazy when drunk.

Last night, me and my girl met up and I broke down a little and said I keep hurting you. She even said to me "I can see the guilt on your face! What have you done?!" Although I was very close to telling her I never did. I thought no good with come from it,just more hurt.

Despite not telling her she said she deserves somebody that's not going to keep on hurting her. She thinks we probably shouldn't be together anymore. She was a upset with me going out and getting drunk without me telling her whilst she's a little unwell and we did have plans that didn't happen as I was too hungover.

I know she probably deserves better and if she does decide this is it for us. Knowing what I've done she probably is better off.

I wanna seek couselling in regards to the issues I have with watching poronography and visiting strip clubs as I believe I can knock the drinking on the head.

Whilst I'm not sure if this is the end for me and my girl. I just think if I don't man up and change things will stay the same. By the way i'm 27 years old.

I cannot believe I've treated a beautiful person who cares about me like this.

Should I fight for her or let her move on to find somebody better?

Thank you.

[Nighthawk61]

Your friend that decided to go to a brothel , is not a friend, first of all. Why not try to make friends that are couple conscious , and have a good time going out with married friends that would include your girlfriend? If you don't have any married friends, then make some. Maybe your girlfriend has married friends that would include you both in their social lives?

Plus, you have proved that you cannot stop drinking before getting yourself into trouble, it seems. So you need to either learn how to have a drink or two maximum, without it leading to you losing your ability to stay safe, or quit.

I'm not sure how old you are, but it could be a question of having to grow up quick, and change from the me mentality to that of a married man ? Please don't think i'm insulting you when saying this. I'm not.

I'm glad that you're feeling shame and disgust. But you can't let that ruin your life, and if you need to talk to a therapist to be able to get through this, do so. It might be what you need to remember that you're making important changes, and not just sweep this under the rug.

Congratulations on finding the girl that allows you to see that you are lucky to have such a wonderful girl in your life. It's been two years, maybe you need to start to think about taking your relationship to the next step. Just don't buy into boy's club mentality that includes you messing around prior to a wedding. It's a ridiculous antiquated notion. If your ready to give your heart to a women, it's not necessary to get down with the dogs and get fleas prior to doing so.

I wish you and your wonderful girl all the happiness in the world. You can come back from this, THiS TIME. But not if you make another mistake. If you do, then it means you need to get honest with yourself and get single.

Peace to you my friend.