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Boyfriend Sending Me Mixed Messages: Children
My boyfriend and I have been together for three years, living together for two and a half. He is divorced and has two children from the marriage. We met when he was 31 and I was 22, and he told me initially that he didn't want to get remarried or have more children. I had no problem with that because I was young, I didn't think we would last, and I wasn't sure those were things I wanted anyway.
About a year ago and I noticed him talking more casually about marriage. He would bring it up unprompted and has talked about buying a ring or meeting my father (he lives in another state). Sometimes he'd bring up kids and what they might look like or act like, or what a good mother I would be. I should mention that he really enjoys being a father and I get along unusually well with his children.
I told him three months ago that I decided that I want children. He railed at me that I lied in the beginning of our relationship and he was honest about what he wanted. Ultimately it was left unsettled, but in the last month he's been mentioning marriage a lot more. Yesterday we were talking about marriage (he brought it up again) and he blurted out that he does not want any more kids. He was very firm about it and apologized. Then two seconds later he said that the bad part was he still isn't sure about it. I have no idea what to do with that. I am so, so confused.
Part of me feels like I knew this was coming and I should exit now. Part of me wonders if he is so stressed about other things that have recently come up (work, marriage, purchasing a home) that he is balking at yet another life-changing event. I just don't know, and I am overwhelmed with other things as well. I almost don't want to deal with it because there are just so many other things going on and we rely on each other so heavily. But this is not a little thing. This is not going away and I know I should not try to sweep it under the rug. I am just very sad about it. We have a great relationship, but I feel like this is something I am going to have to walk away from.
About a year ago and I noticed him talking more casually about marriage. He would bring it up unprompted and has talked about buying a ring or meeting my father (he lives in another state). Sometimes he'd bring up kids and what they might look like or act like, or what a good mother I would be. I should mention that he really enjoys being a father and I get along unusually well with his children.
I told him three months ago that I decided that I want children. He railed at me that I lied in the beginning of our relationship and he was honest about what he wanted. Ultimately it was left unsettled, but in the last month he's been mentioning marriage a lot more. Yesterday we were talking about marriage (he brought it up again) and he blurted out that he does not want any more kids. He was very firm about it and apologized. Then two seconds later he said that the bad part was he still isn't sure about it. I have no idea what to do with that. I am so, so confused.
Part of me feels like I knew this was coming and I should exit now. Part of me wonders if he is so stressed about other things that have recently come up (work, marriage, purchasing a home) that he is balking at yet another life-changing event. I just don't know, and I am overwhelmed with other things as well. I almost don't want to deal with it because there are just so many other things going on and we rely on each other so heavily. But this is not a little thing. This is not going away and I know I should not try to sweep it under the rug. I am just very sad about it. We have a great relationship, but I feel like this is something I am going to have to walk away from.
I agree with SpecialMom.
He isn't saying He doesn't "want" Children as He "has" Children. He's also 34 years old and You're only 25. This issue is major for Both of You. It's probaby the "deal breaker" for a Marriage as You shouldn't be deprived of Children and He shouldn't have to be responsible for 18+ years for more Children.
Good Luck to Both of You
He isn't saying He doesn't "want" Children as He "has" Children. He's also 34 years old and You're only 25. This issue is major for Both of You. It's probaby the "deal breaker" for a Marriage as You shouldn't be deprived of Children and He shouldn't have to be responsible for 18+ years for more Children.
Good Luck to Both of You
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. I actually think that you might be at an impasse here. He got upset when you came out and said you may want kids. He was very sure at that moment that this was not good news to him. This would indicate that you two do not feel the same about a very important subject. I'm sorry about that hon. I think it is an important enough of a thing that you shouldn't settle for what someone else wants.
It is perfectly legitimate that you weren't sure about kids a few years ago. You are a young woman and are just really discovering what you want out of life. He can not hold that against you.
so, sadly, I think that if he is sure he doesn't want kids even with the whimisical talk once in a while about you as a mom or what kids would look like, etc,---- I'd take him at his word when he tells you when you are actually discussing the subject seriously that he doesn't want kids and if you do, yes, exit now before it is more difficult later. All the best of luck to you dear.
It is perfectly legitimate that you weren't sure about kids a few years ago. You are a young woman and are just really discovering what you want out of life. He can not hold that against you.
so, sadly, I think that if he is sure he doesn't want kids even with the whimisical talk once in a while about you as a mom or what kids would look like, etc,---- I'd take him at his word when he tells you when you are actually discussing the subject seriously that he doesn't want kids and if you do, yes, exit now before it is more difficult later. All the best of luck to you dear.
I'm sorry but I think that's very far from the case. I am very sure that if/when I leave he will not try to return to that relationship. That is over and I have not seen anyone - not him, the ex, the kids, or even family friends - show any interest in seeing that rekindled.
Hi Elena, from what you write he might be mixing his ex and you in his head. Does he still contact her? When people bounce back and forth like this, it should be concerning.True love makes ones knees weak no matter what the troubles are. It sounds like he subconsciously wants his old family back and has not really accepted the fact that they are devorced. What do you think about this?
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