Boyfriend going overseas...

[MissMari88]

My boyfriend is in the Army & we've been dating for a year now. We had plans to move in together in January but all of this has been put on hold because he recently got orders to go overseas. He is not allowed to disclose where he is going and he doesn't know when he is coming back. He can be gone for a month, 3 months, a year or ever 2 years. He doesn't know if he will be able to send emails or even make phone calls.

How does one deal with a situation like this? I haven't had dry eyes since I received the news. And here's the icing on the cake... I don't even get to see him off. He is leaving in 2 weeks. I live in NJ and he is currently stationed in Indiana. He was granted any leave and he ships off to SC then CA then off to god knows where! He told me that I don't have to wait but I want to.. but I also never dealt with this type of deployment. How do I cope with the unknown?

[Londres70]

The thing is I don't know the particulars about this bf's situation in regards to what he does in the US Army and if his mission is classified or not.  Just saying these situations are actual situations that can happen.  Whether this bf's statement is true or not is another story......I can't say it isn't.

Usually over time it is permitted to contact family.

I would consider this situation a "red flag" in the sense that it's going to be a difficult position to be in for the poster......I have dealt with this personally.

Well, hopefully all will work out for the poster.  

[nursegirl6572]

Thanks so much for clarifying that.  I can understand that they may not know the details at first, but, again, unless it's a classified mission, aren't most servicemen/women able to share with their loved ones when they get there?  And the whole "no contact" thing just rubs me the wrong way.  I have a good friend whose fiancee has been deployed to the middle east a few times, and they talked on the phone daily.

I'm sure a lot of it depends on what kind of mission it is, what their "job" is and so forth.  I don't know, it just sent up a red flag for me.  

Thanks again for explaining, I just don't know enough about it.

Hopefully the OP will only have to endure a few months without her BF.  What a terribly hard situation that would be.  I give the loved ones of our military so much credit.  They too have to make such HUGE sacrifices.

[Londres70]

It is not unusual or weird not being able to tell your love ones exactly where you will be....this can happen and is related to military security/national security and this will depend on where you will be and what you will be doing there.  And sometimes troops literally don't know where they will be going until the VERY last minute.  So, what this bf is telling her is very plausable....situations that can happen.  

Whether this is the exact situation with this bf....?

[nursegirl6572]

I don't know, but I also find it so weird that he said he may not be able to have any contact with you?  That just seems so extreme, and I've never heard of such a thing, unless he's some super spy on a super duper secret mission?

All of the friends I have that have been involved with or married to a military man always had regular contact, emails, letters, some even daily phone calls.  I just find that so odd.  

Also,  the service men and women are given very specific orders most times, I don't understand why he wouldn't be able, at SOME point, tell you the length of his deployment, and other details.  Is he in some kind of very specialized group or something that would maybe involve some top secret mission?  That's the ONLY thing that would make sense.  Like the SEALS that got Bin Laden could not reveal ANYTHING to ANYONE.

Londres and SM gave you great advice.  I know I would wait if I was in a situation like that AND a serious long term committment was already established.  I'll be honest, I don't know that I could deal with just an open-ended deployment, though.  If I KNEW he was going to be gone 2 years...it would stink, but I would cope.  Not knowing would be VERY very hard.  In order to cope, I would have to have at least a few details, or estimates.  That's just me though.

Good luck to you, it's a very hard situation.  Please thank your BF for his service from me, please.

[Londres70]

Yes......I have dealt with this myself and it is not an easy life being a gf or a wife of a military man.  There is no one way or easy way to deal with this.

"He told me that I don't have to wait but I want to."  This is typical of someone being shipped off because he doesn't know what will happen and is giving you the option not to wait if you can't handle it because it is NOT easy to do.  I wouldn't interpret this as he is trying to break things off or doesn't care about you.  

Keep in mind, if you continue this relationship you will be confronted with this situation again....I am sure of that.  If you find yourself struggling to the point it is too much for you to deal with I would assume not continue the relationship.  

Some of the things I did to cope:

1. I wrote letters and stack them up until I was able to send them to him after he told me where he was. (I am dating myself....this is BEFORE the emailing, however, you can still do this.)  

2.  Found positive activities to keep me busy, i.e. reading, listening to music, exercised....things that I enjoyed and were fun.  

3.  Worked.

4.  Do things with family and friends.  

These are great distractions.  

PM me anytime.  I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through.  

[specialmom]

Oh gooness.  well, you are going to just have to be patient.  If you want to try to wait, then I would do so with an open mind.  Take one day at a time.  What IF it IS just one month?  That's not long.  What if it IS three months?  Not that long either.  

What is a little strange to me is he is basically telling you to expect nothing from him.  Depending on what he is doing, that does indeed seem a bit odd.  Could he be trying to end things with you?  

If what he says is true, there are a lot of unknowns.  For him as well.  It may be just fine in which once at his destination, he can be in contact with family/friends.  He may also get a better time line on his deployment.  

So, wait and see what happens without assuming the worst will.  
good luck