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Avatar universal

Boyfriend wants me to shave

Not 'down there', but my legs. I've never been one to enjoy shaving and waxing is painful. Also, I don't mind/ kind of like the look of furry legs! I've never shaved during the winter months really, and it wasn't a problem for my previous BF. But my current BF really hates it. At first he didn't bring it up and just fumed about it. But then he kept telling me how unattractive it was and how it made his sex drive go way down and how he couldn't even enjoy cuddling with me anymore because he hated the feeling of it so much.

During this time (and maybe because it was such an issue) I began questioning why I shaved at all. If the goal was to be comfortable with my body why shave in the summer but not the winter? So for the past 9 months I've maybe shaved once or twice. I have pretty thick dark hair so it's noticeable, but I went out in skirts and dresses in the summer and no one other than the bf seemed to notice or care. It was really cool and empowering!

Anyways now it's come up again that he tried but even though he thinks I'm gorgeous he is just repulsed by my legs. I know most guys probably prefer smooth legs, and quite a few probably don't care. So the question is: is he being manipulative? He wasn't willing to shave his legs when I asked him to. Other than that I've never asked him to change anything about himself. Maybe I secretely wished he'd start using rogaine, but I would never ask it of him and never make him feel like he was responsible for my sex drive. Does this mean I should get out of the relationship, or is it silly to leave an otherwise good relationship because of htis and I should just shave?

It seems like my hairy legs and this particular bf (of 1.5 years) can't co-exist. So what goes? The hair or the man?
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Avatar universal
I also don't like shaving.  Body hair is a sign of health with some exceptions like PCOS.  I have no problems with being hairy and nor does the general public.  Intimate partners sometimes do.  I can compromise if he pays for those new electrolysis hair removers.   For me it is a test of a man's empathy and differentiation.

Shaving is an unreimbursed labor and purchase of equipment that most women partake in for various reasons, but mostly to fit in.  Really, who would shave if no one else did?  It is one socially constructed norm for which women shoulder the burden.  Can we list some others here?...

I have felt hurt by rejection, bullying, mental manipulation and criticism in intimimate partnerships because of my choice.  Here's something to swallow.  I was once rejected by a man i dated because i asked him to take part responsibility for the work of shaving he expected of me to be attractive to him.  I otherwise was very attractive to him.  He said that while dating, he thinks a woman should be doing what's necessary to attract him and that he shouldn't have to negotiate with a woman to meet his expectations of attractiveness.  His ideals of attractiveness were largely inculcated by our society.  I saw my ask of this man as, "can this man show empathy to the work I would have to shoulder to please him because he associates my attractiveness to complicity with an unfair social norm?"   It was about his empathy turning into sharing the burden for his preference.  If he could have seen meeting me half way as an act of love to meet my needs to create an inner circle of equality and fairness, we could have been great.  He simply could not see that my ask was reasonable because he is never used to being asked to share the work of women....  sounds so 1950s.......


Sure, social norms are unjust and do put a greater responsibility on women than men to comply.   He didn't see gendered social norms as unjust.  Seperate but equal right? Just think of the social norms of being complicit with sexual misconduct by powerful men, metoo. Victim blaming being the norm.  Criticism for being a victim. Women's anger being unattractive.....
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Avatar universal
He is worried about your hairy parts?  Aren't you MORE than a pair of hairy legs?  

If he is this petty and superficial and he can't respect your decision about your hairy legs then I say get rid of him.  

He needs to find someone with 24/7 smooth legs and you need to find someone who accepts your hairy legs.

Now it's hairy legs, next he will be asking you to change something else to suit him.

Are you having other issues in the relationship besides this?
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Avatar universal
You're not compatible, end of story. Neither one of you is wrong for your preferences, but they are contradictory so therefore you guys don't belong together. You're not each other's type.
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13167 tn?1327194124
In our culture,  smooth women's legs and armpits are  pretty much the standard.  

If you don't want to do that,  this is certainly your body and your choice.

If he were to decide he didn't care if he had a batch of nose hair sticking out his nostrils,  would you be fine with that?    I wouldn't.  

I let my legs to in the winter too,  but I have finer hair and usually do shave to the knees.  

This is up to you.  If this guy isn't worth shaving your legs for,  I'd be out the door anyway.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm.  Well, if you are opposed to shaving and a man wants a woman who shaves, you are not a match.  If my man wouldn't wear deodorant and I didn't like body odor, he'd not be a good fit for me.  

It's as simple as that.  

he's not wrong (at all) for have physical preferences.  You're not wrong for being the way you are.  But you two are not compatible.  

good luck
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Avatar universal
"So what goes?  The hair or the Man?"

I cannot choose FOR You, but for You to make a choice would be wise.

Is this something You want to argue over for the rest of Your relationship? (life)
or
Are You willing to shave (even though You don't want to) for the rest of Your relationship?)life)

You state He is "repulsed" by Your legs.  I consider this a BIG red flag, in the sense that "repulsed" is a very STRONG word.  This 'sounds' like a 'small' thing but I think there is an important message in this choice of word "repulsed".....and to shave or not shave seems like a 'small' thing but likely there would me more to come.  I think You should consider all this carefully.

Love is a choice.  Choose wisely.  
Helpful - 0
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