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...Boyfriend wants to..Move in???...Help??
I've been dating a guy for a bit over a year now, we've been friends for over 5 years. Right now we're in different areas of the country because of personal things (helping my family) at the end of the month, I'll be moving back "home". I've got an apartment and everything ready to go for when I go back..Only thing is he seems to be more attached then I ever expected, not that I hate it, but..not that I'm certain I'm really ready for the great level of commitment (I'm 19, and he's 21). When I was "younger", I was in a bad relationship. He was a pretty mean guy and did a lot of things that were cruel. Since I had grown up in disfunction, I didn't know much better at the time, now I do.Everything with that happened quickly, as I just "went with the program" being socially awkward, and weak in voicing myself, I was an easy target to control like many in my family. I decided the circle had to end, and put an end to that and waited quite a while to date anyone, so he's definitely not a rebound or a rush. I'm unsure if he should move in, he said he's willing to wait as long as I'd like, but that he would eventually like to, which I'm sure because of my bad experience has made me phobic to the thought. -I consider him extremely rare, since at no point during dating has he ever pressured me for anything sexual (I decided I would like to wait a long, long time before we ever had sex, as my first relationship with sex went so badly so I'm hesitant, along with shy and everything else.) He's extremely sweet, but gets pretty hurt when I mention it. -I'm curious about how long it was until any of you moved in with your partners, any suggestions?
Glad I could be of some help.
Just stick to what you have planned. Although he is sensitive, that is no excuse to derail your plans and get into situations you aren't really for.
Try using the other line....."I am not comfortable doing that now perhaps later on though."
Good luck. :)
Just stick to what you have planned. Although he is sensitive, that is no excuse to derail your plans and get into situations you aren't really for.
Try using the other line....."I am not comfortable doing that now perhaps later on though."
Good luck. :)
I try not to overuse it, but maybe he just notices everytime I do (I'll try yours instead) -I really try to be as honest with him as possible, because you're right when you say it's important.
He is, very sensitive. He's also pretty insecure (because of his only girlfriend cheating on him and because of how he feels about himself) we've been working at that.
First and foremost he's my friend (he was basically my bestfriend) so I just want to take care of his feelings, I just don't want to sacrifice my own in trying to do that. -I'm not always the most sensitive, my personality is full of rough edges, and slightly gruff (sometimes it gets hard trying to be so sensitive all the time)
Thanks for talking this out with me by the way. I didn't really have anywhere else to go with it, my parents aren't really emotional helpers, or in any position to give me advice (ever)
He is, very sensitive. He's also pretty insecure (because of his only girlfriend cheating on him and because of how he feels about himself) we've been working at that.
First and foremost he's my friend (he was basically my bestfriend) so I just want to take care of his feelings, I just don't want to sacrifice my own in trying to do that. -I'm not always the most sensitive, my personality is full of rough edges, and slightly gruff (sometimes it gets hard trying to be so sensitive all the time)
Thanks for talking this out with me by the way. I didn't really have anywhere else to go with it, my parents aren't really emotional helpers, or in any position to give me advice (ever)
Are you using the phrase "If we're still together at......" everytime you are making plans? If you are overusing this phrase it could seem as if you don't expect the relationship to last. You could always just say I am not comfortable doing that now perhaps later on though and leave it be.
It is all in playing with the words so that you are still being honest, which is important and at the same time respecting someone's feelings.
He sounds really sensitive.
It is all in playing with the words so that you are still being honest, which is important and at the same time respecting someone's feelings.
He sounds really sensitive.
I ran into a majority of those on here, made me feel A LOT like I was being a whiner (My problem doesn't seem as huge as a pregnant teenager lol). -It was reading these posts that made me really want to ask. (The replies aren't always NICE, but they ARE honest) ...I definitely couldn't handle the pregnant/abuse/drama thing at this point. I'm re-inforced now that I've made the right choice by not wanting him to move in, I'm just wondering how to talk to him about it (WHEN) it comes up because of how he seems to get so upset (not angry, just..sad puppy type).
I don't know if you have any advice for this, but he seems to have a problem with me being realistic and using "if we're still together at ___" (Not a lot of young couples do make it these days) for plans. I don't do it to be rude (I've explained probably not well) but he still gets offended/hurt, to me it just makes sense to at this point make no concrete plans. -I don't mean to paint him like a jerkoff, he's just really sweet/shy/clingy-ish/ nervous often.."nerdy" is how some people would class him and doesn't really understand much about relationships.
I don't know if you have any advice for this, but he seems to have a problem with me being realistic and using "if we're still together at ___" (Not a lot of young couples do make it these days) for plans. I don't do it to be rude (I've explained probably not well) but he still gets offended/hurt, to me it just makes sense to at this point make no concrete plans. -I don't mean to paint him like a jerkoff, he's just really sweet/shy/clingy-ish/ nervous often.."nerdy" is how some people would class him and doesn't really understand much about relationships.
Yes, please continue with your plans dear.
There are COUNTLESS posts on here pertaining to young women moving in with their bfs too fast and/or for a reason that is NOT rational, then next thing you know they find themselves in situations that they DIDN'T bargain for, i.e. pregnant, abuse or just a "boatload" of drama.
I am so in awe that you have found your way so young; I am impressed and I don't impress easily. Some women still don't know their way even at my age which is 46. STAY ON TRACK.
There are COUNTLESS posts on here pertaining to young women moving in with their bfs too fast and/or for a reason that is NOT rational, then next thing you know they find themselves in situations that they DIDN'T bargain for, i.e. pregnant, abuse or just a "boatload" of drama.
I am so in awe that you have found your way so young; I am impressed and I don't impress easily. Some women still don't know their way even at my age which is 46. STAY ON TRACK.
Exactly what I was thinking.
(Glad you see it too)
I wish I could figure out why he seems to want to move in together so agressively (he doesn't seem to have an answer, go figure) Blah.
(Glad you see it too)
I wish I could figure out why he seems to want to move in together so agressively (he doesn't seem to have an answer, go figure) Blah.
I've tried, though he seems much more sure then I am (and persistant). It's a bit confusing, I think perhaps it's because hes never had a serious relationship, but even then, I do wonder what the rush is..Blah.
Because we're young, I tell him he should wait, it's really easy to move in with someone, but a lot harder to LIVE with that person. Considering hes been very sheltered his life (not that it's really a fault of his, but I'm not use to that), I don't think he quite gets it (tends to lead to arguments) and seems to think I'm "pushing him away".
It's not as though all relationships work out, especially at our age, but he seems to think we'll be together for years to come so "why not".
Frusterating and flustering.
Because we're young, I tell him he should wait, it's really easy to move in with someone, but a lot harder to LIVE with that person. Considering hes been very sheltered his life (not that it's really a fault of his, but I'm not use to that), I don't think he quite gets it (tends to lead to arguments) and seems to think I'm "pushing him away".
It's not as though all relationships work out, especially at our age, but he seems to think we'll be together for years to come so "why not".
Frusterating and flustering.
Well....have you explained to him like you just did to us?
Makes you wonder what is the rush with him.
Just keep telling him you are comfortable with the living arrangements as is now and you all can reevaluate the situation in 6 months.
I can imagine it is difficult hurting his feelings when you tell him this, but it is the truth.
Makes you wonder what is the rush with him.
Just keep telling him you are comfortable with the living arrangements as is now and you all can reevaluate the situation in 6 months.
I can imagine it is difficult hurting his feelings when you tell him this, but it is the truth.
I don't mean the post as in he's "forcing me"..though it does feel like that sometimes, but hes stated that he DOES want to move in (possibly before six months)..That really makes me nervous. I feel kind of like he taking it a bit too fast (hes pulled out the "I love you's"..Not super long after we started dating, leaving me to believe that though we liked eachother for a while before dating/flirting/anything like that, that he's moving so much faster) Perhaps it's because I'm not overly affectionate like that, but whatever the reason..It's there. I think I've come great strides with expressing myself and trying to be affectionate/loving, but whenever the topic comes up, if I mention that I don't want him to move in..for a long time, he gets hurt. Which is difficult for me to do, as I tend to be sensitive towards him especially.I'm really independent, which though he seemed to like at first, now seems to frusterate him, he knows a lot about me, which makes me wonder why he acts (to me) dramatic. Anyway I could explain it to him better perhaps? I'm sure my problem seems a bit small, because it rather is, but I feel like this is a time in my life to focus on schooling and working, I wouldn't want any "unexpected surprises" to happen because hormones took a toll when two young people moved in together (yes I'm protected, no we're not having sex) or anything to toss me off track, but it's difficult it seems to explain it to him.
To be honest, there is no magic time period/time frame when you should move in with someone. It depends on when you feel comfortable to do it and apparently now is not the time for you.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi. Well, bravo for being an independent woman!! Three cheers for you and I sincerely mean that. I would follow your gut here. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. Personally, I was never ready to just live with a guy and didn't live with one until I was married. And I married in my 30's!! It worked out well for me and it is a personal choice whether to live with a man or not. You don't have to and have every right to feel like if the relationship moves closer, that they should marry you before moving in. So, stay strong and I think you are wise beyond your 19 years! best of luck to you
He's not pressuring You and states He's willing to wait until You're ready, so don't fret. Take Your time. You are thinking with Your head, very sensibly and mature for 19 years old. You'll make the right decision and the right move at the right time. I'm impressed with Your observation about Your family dysfunction and it's role in Your past relationship. I'm giving You a standing ovation.
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I am NOT understanding his logic. First he is willing to wait and then he is all "sad and blue" when you say you are not ready.....hmmmm.......this makes no sense on his part. I mean, you are only 19 and definitely don't need to be focusing on a live-in bf or a living situation with one.
Well......move as you planned; BY YOURSELF and then go from there. I wouldn't beat the topic down; just don't bring it up. If he brings it up again just STAND your ground. You have told him several times about your plans. I am not sure if he is thinking if he badgers you about it that you will "cave in" and allow him to move in.
Don't let ANYONE sway you from your path/direction that you are going; NO ONE. Continue to let the focus be about you. The bf moving in would be a distraction in my opinion.