How to get over a deep love and the jealousy of his new relationship?

[SamJ1123]

I was with my guy for six years, and we lived together for the last two.  He was my first long term relationship.  We had one of those once in a life time connections that I have never shared with anyone else before.  I made some mistakes early on in our relationship (first two years), that I horribly regret.  I was unfaithful, but we worked things out.  He always wanted me back, and because I truly loved him (I was just young and immature), I came back too.  Two years ago, we entered a new place in our relationship, and agreed to start fresh.  He told me that he trusted me again, and I trusted myself.  I have been faithful to him for the past four years, and finally felt like we were in a great place to move toward a future together.  Six months ago, however, he began pulling away, claiming that he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore.  Since we were in the middle of a lease at the time, we decided to finish out our lease, and then re-evaluate things.  We agreed that if we weren't happy at that point, then we would go our separate ways.  During this transitional time, however, he still told me over and over again that he didn't want us to end.  We had so much history and on the surface level, we had so much fun together.  He said that we had so much baggage in our relationship that it made him feel stuck and resentful.  All of the sudden, months before our lease was up, his desire to leave became very urgent.  He said that he didn't want to waste anymore time if he wasn't happy.  I fought very hard for our relationship, but it wasn't good enough.  I found out that he had been pursuing a woman from work and wanted a relationship with her.  A month ago, he moved out, and now he is with her.  He tells me that he is in love with her, and that she is everything I am not.  It is very hurtful and surreal.  

He still wants to be friends with me, and contacts me on a regular basis.  He even cries when we're together because he said he is so sad, and feels so badly for hurting me.  

The jealousy I feel toward him and his new g/f is unimaginable.  I was always the "jealous type", and the thought of him with anyone else was enough to make me stay.  Now that he is actually with someone else, I feel sick to my stomach all the time.  

I can't seem to get over him (even though I realize it's still fresh), and I worry that I never will.  I've never been this close to someone else, and the thought of even dating another man makes me feel depressed.  How can I move on from this?  I have heard the basic things, "get busy, get hobbies, see friends, etc."  I have been doing all of those things, but still can't get over him.  I also feel a lot of regret for what I did in the past, as I feel that it has contributed to him leaving now... four years later.  He said he never had the courage to leave me years ago, even though he probably should have.  I feel like a criminal getting arrested for a crime I committed years ago... it seems so irrelevant now.

I am sad, hurt, jealous, anxious and feel broken every day.  I am obsessing over him all the time, wondering what he is doing, whether he is with her, what they are doing, etc.  No matter how busy I am, I still can't get my mind off of them.

[bheksnoe]

My dear its not easy but try to forget about him. Stop calling even if you feel like. Make him see that you can live with or without him. Focus more on self development then along the way God will heal you.

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[lovinlyfe06]

this sounds like a toughy that i was once in.... 4 years ago i got pregnant.. i was only 18 and my sons dad was only 16, he was my first for everything.. i was deeply in love and very jealous too. I didnt want anyone else.. after i was 4month along he left me for some other b**** ended up getting her pregnant as well, but still seen and been with me physically on a normal every other day to couple times a week bases. doing what every normal couples do going out and what not but he did have a girlfriend, i didnt get that title..  i obessed over what he was doing what she was doing constantly on my mind i wanted him back like no other. .after i had my son. we often seen each other his girlfriend kinda knew what was going on but contiued to stay with him for the sake of their kids and the fact she had no where else to go, and at the same time convinced/forced the father of my son to tell me he did not love me or our son and did not want to be apart of our lives, or she was going to take off with his other 2 kids and never seen him again...  I did try getting over him, i went about it all wrong to, I thought maybe if i was physically with someone else it would help me but it didnt, i got all hard core into drugs trying to get him off my mind and party it up with friends, yeah i was having fun after getting addicted to coke and xanx i accepted the fact he was gone and was with her and i had no chance.(please do not judge me, my son was safe with family when i made bad choices, he was never around me during the times i wasnt okay). but it wasnt til after months later he called me wanting to get back with me and said he didnt mean nothing he was forced to say told me he loved me, an bcz i still loved him with all my heart and wanted to be a family, I cleaned up(for the sake of my son and to try and work things out with his father) and i forgave him.. we were together again, the other B**** had moved outta state and it was just me and him! 2 years from that we did end up getting married and living our live to the fullest!!!  I know my situation was a little twisted and how i went about things but you will get through it...

[specialmom]

Hi,  as usual I agree with Mami.  I think it is really tricky to just be friends with an ex especially straight away after the relationship ends.  Often times, one of the pair wants more than friendship and it just makes for a strange balance that is not condusive to true friendship.  
I think you have to mourn the loss of this relationship and his still being around makes that hard to do.  You think of him and his new girl even more often than you naturally would because he is a constant nagging reminder.  I think that seperating yourself physically from him will help you seperate emotionally.

The usual things are what I would still recommend.  I know when I've had a broken heart, I've spent some time face down in the carpet crying my eyes out . .. that is part of it.  But trying to maintain a schedule of activites makes less time for that.  And as time goes on, the memories are less painful.  I'm a big fan of keeping a journal to write the feelings out.  I would say to most definately incorporate exercise into the mix as this is good for our mental health over all.  I am fond of someone doing some volunteer activites as this also has a great mental health benefit.  And if the pain is too much, a good therapist is great for guiding us through and helping us understand our feelings.

I'm very sorry that you are hurting and hope that you get through this period alright.  Please have no fear----------  you will meet someone and fall in love again and hopefully have a life of happiness.  And every relationship that we have that does not work out . . .we are that much smarter and prepared for our next one.  good luck

[mami1323]

For me it killed me not talking to him but when we would talk I would feel even worse because it made me long for him more and I knew he didn't want me. So as much as it hurt it was better not to have contact with him. An end of a relationship is like grieving a death. Your feelings are very normal and natural. You are putting this guy on a pedestal because if he was wonderful then he wouldn't have dumped you for someone else. He was thinking of himself. You will be okay just give it time.

[SamJ1123]

Do all of you agree that it will be impossible to get over him if I continue seeing him/having contact?

How do you just cut off contact with someone you have known that long and were that close to?  My nights and weekends are lonely... even when I have things to do... the thing that hurts the most is knowing he is with someone else.  Every time I see something romantic or sexual (movie, song, etc), I think about them, and how they must be enjoying themselves together.  I cannot seem to control these thoughts.  
I don't think that I agree that he is keeping me around just in case the other relationship goes south. He has even made it clear that if he had a chance to get back together, he wouldn't... although he said the moment he is single again, he will "fly to where ever I am" to sleep with me... because the attraction is still there.  

Mami, I can definitely relate to the urge to compare other me to your ex... I am already doing that, and I'm not even dating yet!  Actually, I did go on two (first) dates, and I made excuses for why I had to leave early, and went home and cried... all it did was make me miss my ex.  

I've had break up's before... lost friends, moved, etc... but I've never felt this much loss, emptiness and despair before.  When people tell you to think about the "bad" things in the relationship or about the person, I can't... I never really could... he was great... and he has qualities that I will just look for in another person...

*big sigh*  Am doomed?  

Thanks for your thoughtful advice, by the way.  :)

[mami1323]

All I can say is the typical cliche line of "time heals all wounds".  But it is very true, it will take time.  No one can tell you how long, everyone deals with break ups differently.  It took me a very long time to get over my ex and move on.  I believe about a year and a half.  He was my first love, my first everything and he left me for a girl he worked with.  I was so hurt, jealous, angry and desperate for him to realize he made a mistake and beg for me back.  But that never happened.  I also would hang out with friends but I would talk about him and have him in the back of my mind all the time.  I decided that I would go away on vacation with a friend and when we were away, I met a guy I liked.  We came back and dated for a month or so but I couldn't get my ex out of my mind and kept comparing this guy to him.  Then all of a sudden one night I went out with my girlfriends to a club and met this good looking guy and we started dating and went out for 2 1/2 years.  I had finally gotten over my ex.  I didn't wind up with the other guy but still I had moved on.  As hard as it is you need to cut off all contact with your ex.  It isn't fair to you and it will keep you hoping and wondering.  He wants the other girl so badly then let him have her, that means he can't have you in his life.  It was his decision.  

On another note, I don't think him falling for her had anything to do with your cheating on him 4 years prior.  I think he just needed an excuse to justify his decision so that he could walk away from you without feeling so guilty.  He got over it long enough to stay with you for 4 more years.  Don't let him use that on you to relieve his conscience.  

All relationships are learning experiences.  You will have learned something from this to use towards any future relationships.  You will move on even though you don't think you will.  You will love again, even though you can't see that now.  Give yourself some time and space from him.  I wish you the best.

[mjmom69]

I just read your second comment. Don't let him play you or keep you around just incase the new girl doesn't work out. I suspect that is what he is doing. Tell him to stop calling you and that you don't want to see him anymore. If he does come back, you'll know it is because he wants to, not because you hung around and it just happened. And you have to remember, it sounds like he either cheated on you or thought about it. Do you really need that?

[mjmom69]

You wont be able to just get over him. It will just take time. After my seperation from my first husband, the terrible pain and jealousy I felt for him and his girlfriend was unbearable. I cried alot and called him way too much. There is nothing you can do to change his mind. The best thing to do is to cut off contact with him because it will only hurt you. You don't need to be his "friend" just to ease his conscience. To move on you have to leave him behind. Don't hold out hope because that only makes it harder to get thru. You have to make up your mind that it is over and then just take it day by day. It will not be easy but if you really are resolved to move on, it will happen. Keeping busy is good but it will only help pass the time. I promise it will get better. I thought I would never get over my ex and I had a daughter with him so I had to see him and talk to him and still do. But I did it and am now married to a wonderful man who is so much better for me than my ex was and treats me wonderful. I wish you the best.

[bheksnoe]

Wow I like the last sentence. It gives me hope. See, when God removes someone from our lives we never understand that he wantd to give us something better.

[SamJ1123]

My other question is, if he was so "in love" with his new lady, wouldn't he just break off all ties with me?  Why does he cry, and call me all the time, and want to see me once a week or so?  Maybe I'm hoping that he isn't really that into her, but I just question his feelings for her if he is still calling me...