Can ye give me advice, Im lost ...

[Confused362]

Hi, I need advice. I hope ye can help. I have never used one of these forums so I am a little nervous at the reactions I will get.

I am a female, 23 years old. I was in a very bad relationship up until 8 months ago that lasted 2 years. It was very abusive but unfortuantely at the time I didnt not realise this and thought it was a normal relationship. He cheated on me with different women, would call me names, he was very belittling in very sly ways. He would pass comments on the clothes I was wearing, if I decided to wear a pair of jeans on a night out instead of a mini skirt he would sulk and make me feel guilty. The relationship swung from good to bad constantly, him always doing something stupid. Me always forgiving him. It got to the point where I developed horrible anxiety and eventually got out of the relationship. But I now feel it is to late and I am to live my life in this state of anxiety forever.

My main issues is this. On a few occasions something happened that only recently has been upsetting me. We would be lying in bed watching tv, fully clothed. He would want sex and there were times I was not in the mood.  On a few occasions he "forced" me to have sex. I would say "No Im not in the mood, i just want to cuddle" but he wouldn't take no for an answer, he would continued to try and have sex with me. I would push his hands away and say "no" but he was just so persistant. he would keep going, begging me. On one occasion, he rolled me over and started undoing my pants, i said no.... He kept going. I said to stop but he said "Dont be a b!tch"... Every single time we ended up having sex when i didnt want to.

I dont know, but I have been really upset by this, is it rape?? I told my mom and sister and they said it is. but I was his girlfriend so it cant be rape....

If so, why is it only affecting me now? Im lost on what to do...

Thanks in advance for replies.

[Aconfused36singlewoman]

I had the same thing happen to me when I was in my first relationship, I didnt even want to date him, I was 14 and not interested in boys just wanted to hang out with my girlfriends but he wouldnt stop asking for days weeks when it was his b-day he bought me a rose, my friends thought it was so cute and i should just say yes for his b-day like i was being the rude on by denying him on his b-day so i said fine. I was 14 and he was 19 btw. 5years went by and i finally ended the obsessive relationship he would make me have sex when i didnt want to and told me he would hurt my family if i ever broke up with him. Every time I would break it off he would be vilant so i was scared and young. Im 36 now and I cant keep a relationship, Ive been in so many relationships I break them off and go after the next guy. I need help, Im now realizing that maybe cuz he was so abusive maybe I date people for a while and when they screw up and lie or do anything upsetting to me I break it off and start over with someone else. or maybe it has nothing to do with my first relationship maybe im just afraid of commitment?

[prism74]

The other posters were right about just seeking nonspecific counseling now.  It's possible that you still need some time to confront the whole idea of the sexual abuse, which would create a barrier to you continuing to seek that kind of help.  But the kind of abuse you described also comes with emotional abuse and many other issues; these can be discussed with a counselor that doesn't necessarily only focus on sexual abuse.   I myself went through a relationship a LOT like what you described.  He and I also worked together, he was my boss, and made me feel like I had nowhere else to work (totally not true).  Among the many horrible things he did to me, he would make me come into his office and stand there in front of his desk while he sat there insulting me in all possible ways, including my ethnic background, my family, etc., making me cry and then berating me for crying and saying I was doing it on purpose so that work people could see me crying and come down on him.  After 3 long years, it finally culminated with me coming to my senses after one night where he hit me, and then played mind games to make me think it was all my fault.  I ignored him, and then he said he would kill me if I didn't drop to my knees in the next 5 minutes and apologize.   When I ignored him, he impaled me on my couch and kept me hostage in my own apartment for 4 hours, forcing me to take a piece of paper and a pen and write down all the reasons why his violence was my fault, making me perform oral sex on him.  I finally played along enough that he thought I was truly contrite, and then he left my place, and I ran away to my parents' house in Florida for a few days, before returning to NY and going to the police, getting a restraining order, etc.  I went into therapy after that for a few years, and it took a LOOOOOONG time before I could trust anyone again.  But it was that time that I spent with myself that helped me get more centered, and explore what my reasons were for entering into that relationship in the first place.  It's a good thing to take time for yourself.  I was also on an antidepressant and antianxiety medication, which I was strongly opposed to at first, but I finally realized I needed help to get through my pain.  It was the best thing I ever did.  I wish you the best of luck, and may God help you through your situation and make you whole.

[Confused362]

Thanks again for the support. I am in counselling but I guess we have not gone into much about the relationship. At the start I thought i could handle all this stuff myself, you know, block it out then it doesn't exist!! I did that to a lot of things he did. And don't worry about me getting invloved with another man like that, cause I have absolutly no trust in me for anyone, as much as id love a nice caring fella, I cant bring myself to be with anyone.. I have not dated anyone since that relationship, to afriad!!

I have opted to stay away from any meds for anxiety. i was doing very well over the past 3 months. Had very little anxiety but something is after triggering it in me again!!! I just wish it would all be ok.

My mom wants me to go for some type of sexual abuse therapy, but I guess I need to accpet the fact that it was rape before I can make that decision. Its still very hard to think og it as that!! But thank ye so much! I will work on this!

Thanks!!!

[specialmom]

I am gong to say that any therapist will be helpful.  What I am concerned with is actually the pattern of staying with a man that has that much control over you.  You two had a lot of issues within your relationship and often we are subconciously drawn to certain types----------  I don't want you to ever be with this type of man again.  A therapist will also help you move past the hurt of that relationship and not letting it affect your future choices.  And a therapist can talk to you about anxiety and such.  If you meet the criteria of anxiety or depression with anxiety symptoms, they will point you to a physician to treat for that.   And if that is present, that will cloud all recovery.  So ask around for names of therapists in your area (your family doctor may refer you to someone) and make an appointment.  good luck

[mami1323]

Have you looked into taking some anti-anxiety meds temporarily?  I don't usually push drugs but sometimes it can help to take the edge off so you can focus on getting better and not so much on the anxiety.  

It will take time to get over the hurt and anger.  Anger is good to push you forward but at some point you will have to let go of that as well and forgive yourself for being involved with him.  

[Confused362]

Ya I have become very angry and resentful towards him.. Everytime I think about him i just want to punch him in the face... thats not right like... I just have so much hate built up against him that its overwhelming and depressing... I really wish I got out of the relationship before all this anxiety kicked in.

I just need some sign that I will get better cause this has gone on for well over a year (the anxiety)... It anxiety started in the relationship, but has not left me.. It did improve but the past week has been hell..

Thanks for all yer advise!!

[mamabalas]

confused, I think you are heading in the right direction by talking about what happened to you.  Nothing good will come of suppressing these feelings.  If you can, see a specialist for sexual abuse therapy.  They can help you and will have more tools to your specific pain.  You are not over reacting, he hurt you and made you vulnerable.  The reason many people don't think of rape happening by boyfriends, husbands etc is because many women don't say anything or report these men.  Also when they do, very sad to say many times they have a very difficult time in court.  Defense attorneys are brutal.  I don't have words to describe how dissappointed I am that these men walk away from doing this to women.  Please don't take that as my suggesting you not file a police report, just saying, you are not alone in this and in thinking rape is violent.  It is actually the opposite.  It usually happens to people who trust the person who rapes them.  I'm glad you are in therapy, I hope it helps you.  Good luck to you.  

[mami1323]

I think any type of therapy will do you good.  You will need coping skills and I believe that any therapist can give you that.  But I'm not an expert...specialmom should know better.

[Confused362]

Is there a special type of counselling needed or will normal talk therapy work??? Thanks again for the advise!

[mami1323]

Lol...I need some coffee to....had a rough night.  But the advice is still the same specialmom.

[specialmom]

Oh, already seeing a therapist.  good.  (how did I miss that . . .)  need coffee.  Thank goodness you have my gal Mami!!

[mami1323]

No you're not overreacting, you were hurt immensely.  That takes time to heal from.  I'm glad you finally let it out and told your therapist what had happened.  Now you can focus on that issue and on repairing your heart.  You are still in shock right now and by letting it out you have unleashed all the pent up hurt and anger.  You've suppressed all these emotions for so long that now that you've released it, you don't know how to deal with it.  This will get better in time.  It's actually a very positive step.  You just have to get passed this tough time.  Like specialmom said, continue therapy and keep busy.  Kickboxing is perfect.

[specialmom]

I think a therapist can help you through this.  It is confusing for sure when it is our loved one who does this to us.  He guilted you, antagonized you, and forced you into sex.  No woman deserves that.  So I hope you seek some therapy to get over this relationship and to ensure that this pattern never repeats in the future.

I think too-------  that you are mourning your relationship as well as you were with him for a long time.  After many years, it is hard to be alone.  So keep busy.  Start pursuing some hobbies.  I think kickboxing would be a great leisure activity for you---- exercise and self defense!  It will give you some peace of mind!  I wish you all the best while you repaire you life and later.  good luck

[Confused362]

Thanks for all the relpies. I don't ever see myself getting passed this. Its gone on far to long now. My counselling is not helping, Iv been in it for a while now but just never thought that telling her about the "rape" cause to be honest Im finding it very hard to accept thats what it was... It didnt seem traumatic at thhe time, upsetting but not traumatising... I really don't know how to get passed this, Im not sleeping, not eating, having horribe thoughts and feel depressed... IDK, I know many of ye wont know much about this as its more psychological that relationship advise. I guess I just need to know if Im over reacting or not...

[mami1323]

It's bothering you now because you are now reflecting back on this relationship and wondering what went wrong.  You realize now how bad it was and while you are in it, you can't see clearly.  That is probably why you didn't feel the hurt then.  We tend to put blinders on when we are in love.  It's great that you are seeking counseling, that will really help you to sort through the confusion and release the pain.  It will also give you skills to use moving forward into other relationships.  It will teach you to see the red flags before you get too invested in the relationship and it will help you to cut people out of your life that are no good for you early on.  You will be fine in time, you will learn to trust someone who is worthy of it.  Just give yourself time to heal.  What your ex did to you was horrible, immoral, inexcusable and he's lucky you didn't decide to press charges against him.  Keep moving along with your therapy, it will help you a great deal.  Good luck.

[Judy246]

Ps... Talking about it will also help get your thoughts, feelings and emtions out and help you develope copeing skills. Consider filing a police report although time has pass, report it, so they will be aware that he is a rapist.

[Judy246]

If you said no and he did it against your will, you are a rape victim. It doesn't matter if you were the g/f, wife, friend, etc. No means no and you did suffer a silent trauma! You will need sexual assault counseling or with time will suffer post traumatic emotional side effects that can be very destructive and effect all aspects of you life, especially with relationships. Good luck!

[Confused362]

I am so confused! Why is it now that this has started to upset me? Why am I crying myself to sleep over this relationship 8 months after we broke up??? Why am I letting a jerk like this ruin my life??? Why do I even care anymore??? Why???????

I have kept this to myself for a long time, and to be honest I did not see it as rape, of course it used upset me as it happened more than once. but my main upset was that he didnt respect me. Ok, Il admit on one occasion I said to him "You know, this could be classed as rape" to which he replied "Oh don't be a b!tch".... but I thought for it to be a rape it had to be violent, had to be random and well not with a bf.....

Oh God, Im so afraid this has affected me subconciously...  I have no trust left for anyone... My anxiety has me upset and crying, and I dont know how to fix this.

I am in counselling, but I only told her today about it.. Im a very reserved person and hate being an open book!!!! I dont know how to cope anymore....

[mamabalas]

Yes, this is rape.  I don't care if you are his wife.  It is rape.  It is affecting you now because before, in the moment, you were still in the relationship, and there was a sense of hope for the future.  A certain sense that it was ok, or would be okay again.  You have every right to be upset about this.  It's good that you have your mom and sisters to talk to.  Its very good that you got out of this relationship.  Don't let the anxiety lead your life.  If you can, get into some counseling to talk about this with someone who can help you overcome these feelings and deal with what has happened to you.  It is serious, and you shouldn't blow it off.  It can affect you for years.  I wish you luck.