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Caught Msging Woman
hey I have a weird situation, that I've been put through recently, I don't know what to do or if im thinking clearly, so any advice would be great... so me and my bf have been dating for a year n a half we have been rocky lately, been seeing too much of eachother and getting on eachothers nerves until we had a talk about us, and we both agreed we were going to keep positive and slow it down a bit (not seeing eachother everyday) so it been great so far he's back to being loving... until one day went on his phone and checked out his fb msg's (prob not a good idea) and find he's been msging FOUR girls, some of them just saying hi how are you what have you been up to, do you still do this n that, this is a lil odd bc I have sneaked on his fb b4 and it was just dudes he's talked to, and he's not the person to up and talk to girls, ONE of the msg's was worse than the others... it began like normal how are you, then he ask's her if he's single, and that the guys she finds will be lucky and says he's always thought that.. :( than she asks about his girl (me) he responds "she's not from around here, and its not that serious, its decent" im in TOTAL shock mode, so I confront him, he's surprised but not mad at all that I looked.. his explanation, and he says he's really embaressed and looks like he's about to have a panic attack and says he's msging girls to jerk off to... my jaw just drops! he said he likes the interaction and to get some attention and that it meant absolutely nothing, he doesn't even know that well, their highschool/public school friends.. he's bawling panicking and saying he's an idiot, it meant nothing,i love you..i don't know whether to buy it or not it seems really random to do that, like Im not angry of why he's msging the girl I guess.. its still not right.. and to say we're not serious, he cud just be role playing? like honestly he's a good guy and not the type to cheat, everyone says he's a good bf... but this has just ****** up everything, trust is not that good, I don't know what to to believe, shud I forgive him n put him in the dog house? *sigh* It's been three weeks, I chose to forgive him for now... he's trying in anyway to show that he loves me, cried many nights when I bring it up, but its awkward now, i keep thinking of the msg's.. he didn't cheat on me.. bah! i need any thoughts that you guys have on this, im just a mess :s thanks for reading n sorry its so detailed, we're both 24 also lol.. thanks xx
Best Answer
Sounds like he is "iffy" about the relationship. The only thing he is regreting is that he got caught.
From reading your other posts sounds like he has been trying to ditch the relationship in my opinion.
"His messaging other women if an attempt to be happy and will not let your go till he knows for sure if that special person does in fact exist."......Life360
Totally agree with this.
Hon....I hope it works out for you. I have a funny feeling it won't. He's got one foot out the proverbial door.
From reading your other posts sounds like he has been trying to ditch the relationship in my opinion.
"His messaging other women if an attempt to be happy and will not let your go till he knows for sure if that special person does in fact exist."......Life360
Totally agree with this.
Hon....I hope it works out for you. I have a funny feeling it won't. He's got one foot out the proverbial door.
Yes thats a very good idea, if he truly means what he's said he will stick to his word. Good luck :)
im glad to hear im not the only one who's been through this before, it very encouraging to know you guys made it out well :) but I do have to be cautious for sure, and keep my wits about me...and if I get any hint he hasn't changed and he is going behind my back then I wont stand for it and I will break up with him... it's worth it to stick with him now. thank you so much everyone for advice, it's helped me so much
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ugh. Well, now it is hard. Your relationship will now be different. yeah, now you DO have a reason to check on facebook. You DO have a reason to question him. he admitted as such that he was looking for someone to cheat on you with when he said he likes interaciton for masterbation and was looking for it. Not exactly full on cheating but certainly the first step.
so, I'm not going to argue with you about staying with him. That is certainly your choice and you describe someone as contrite. BUT, this is a red flag. You can't just ignore it. I'd set up clear boundaries including---- no trolling for cyber sex, no cheating, no lying, etc. And then just watch. I don't think it is a good sign that he was instigating that discussion with the girl.
Maybe it will blow over. I hope so. I like to see things work out for people but i do think the relationship is now changed and you must be very careful. good luck
so, I'm not going to argue with you about staying with him. That is certainly your choice and you describe someone as contrite. BUT, this is a red flag. You can't just ignore it. I'd set up clear boundaries including---- no trolling for cyber sex, no cheating, no lying, etc. And then just watch. I don't think it is a good sign that he was instigating that discussion with the girl.
Maybe it will blow over. I hope so. I like to see things work out for people but i do think the relationship is now changed and you must be very careful. good luck
I was in this position before, but not by me sneaking up on him, a girl told me. It was a year in to the relationship. He told me it was to give himself an ego boost and begged for forgiveness. I choose to forgive him but not FORGET. We both came off facebook at that point. 3 years later I married him and I trust him completely. You can move forward from this and the trust will come back.
we did get pretty serious too fast, I tend to do that a lot ..lol but b4 I found out and b4 when we were having that huge fight leading to him "changing" he said that we were getting to serious and we should take it down a notch.. so we did.. I think its a fed flag too.. but I obviously and stupid and ignoring it for now :S he's saying such promising things for the future that maybe he wont cheat on me? saying "yourmy best firend" "you opened my eyes, I was being such a jerk" "I do want to be serious" "you'r the only woman for me" and I told him.. if any of these are lies then just stop bullshitting and lets end this, I don't know if he's just "fighting for his life" and saying whatever to stop me from breaking up but keep fighting for me if he didn't care? ..but yeah im thinking looking on his fb is healthy either.. but I would never have found that info out... and I was afraid of him looking for someone else already, that was the first thing I asked him when I found out.. he said no..i don't want to break with him tho bc I love him and its going to be really hard.. I also do not want to start all over dating again, so tiring lol
Hi and welcome. Your statement that your spending to much time together is rather perplexing. Im not sure how that fits into a relationship but would seem to indicate that the both of you do not communicate well. When it comes to satisfying those temporal desires all is well but when it comes down to individual views and everyday life would seem to be a tug and war situation.
His messaging other women if an attempt to be happy and will not let your go till he knows for sure if that special person does in fact exist.
His messaging other women if an attempt to be happy and will not let your go till he knows for sure if that special person does in fact exist.
Just take it one day at a time. Sit down and talk to him and share your concerns with him. See what compromises you both can come up with.. In my opinion if he is messaging other girls for self-gratification then hes cheating. I dont put up with that and neither should you. Best of Luck to the both of you!
this scenario (and excuse for it) would not sit well with me.
keep Your eyes wide open and good luck.
(P.S. forgiving Him is not the same as "putting him in the doghouse". You can't have it both ways. If You are going to forgive Him, You must give Him the opportunity to rebuild the relationship/trust)
keep Your eyes wide open and good luck.
(P.S. forgiving Him is not the same as "putting him in the doghouse". You can't have it both ways. If You are going to forgive Him, You must give Him the opportunity to rebuild the relationship/trust)
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However, his excuse of 'he likes interaction' in order to masterbate is beyond a boundary that I'd tolerate no matter the level of dating. I'd say that is a major red flag for cheating down the road.
I also worry when we have the compulsion to check up on someone by 'sneaking' onto facebook, or the voicemail messages, or drawers or whatever we are snooping into. Yes, you found out valuable information here but it also eats away at a relationship when we have to do this often.
so, for me------------ I would consider leaving this relationship. I think if he is being truthful---- that he needs interaction to be aroused that this could lead to needing more down the road (as in actually hooking up with another woman) AND/OR if he just came up with the excuse on the fly as you surprised him ----- and this is the 'innocent' version, that he's already looking for someone to hook up with. so, I'd consider ending this. good luck