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Cheating Boyfriend or Husband
OK Ladies,this question is for you.We get alot of cheating posts on this particular forum and I have to say most of the time it's the man who's the cheat.If your man cheated would you take him back or is it over and done with.Please explain either way.Yes or No and Why.Thankyou.
I always said I would never tolerate any kind of cheating but I found myself in that situation and I did give him another chance. It was not easy, almost three years now, in the beginning I did not know if I could do it but I could not imagine my life without him. I wanted to leave not because I did not love him but I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel the way I felt but you know that just made us and the kids miserable. I had to own my part of the problem not that what he did was right but I was not so innocent. I pushed him away, I tried at first to fix him but realized I had to fix myself. It crushed me but was a wake up call. Almost three years later our relationship is stronger then ever!
Yes I agree . And I personally would never tell someone they are wrong for leaving because actually even if a person is someone who believes every word in the Bible, adultery is a reason someone can end a marriage but my hope is that their marriage can be worked out and I would think thats everyones hope..
COMMUNITY LEADER
This is definately a subject that evokes a lot of emotion. Regardless if someone decides to stay and try to work it out or if they decide that they just can't get past it, it is really hard. Infidelity is painful in so many ways and my wish is that no one would ever have to experience it.
Peace to all!
Peace to all!
rissa..... I understand what you are saying. I meant a one time thing - one woman, and that he truly knew how awful it was to do that. A household where the guy is out cheating with different women all the time, gets caught and goes out and does it again, thats a different story...
You can have a person that TRULY is sorry and would never do it again. That's the person IMO who needs the second chance is what I'm saying. And that would take time to gain back trust. And how is that done? By the person being accountable for their time etc. Sounds like a pain, but that is how someone would work at gaining trust back. If a person says oh I just have to learn to trust him yet not set up some type of system, it won't work that way... IMO,The person has to be in contact with their Spouse during the day, night or whenever apart,just as if she was his "parole officer."
If someone wouldn't want to do that then they don't want to WORK at their marriage. As I mentioned, theres a restoration process and that takes time and it takes work..
I have seen marriages work out just fine,,,, but a woman can be very fragile and so can a man when this happens... Again,the person who cheated has to know they have to make their Spouse feel they know at any time they can call them because knowing their Spouse is where he said he would be when they call them will help build that trust. You have to remember when he was in the affair, the Wife most likely trusted the Spouse and didn't have to call him but now she is thinking I didn't know really where he was all that time on those days or nights, so now the Husband would have to be accountable for all his time. If that sounds like too much of a pain or "she's not trusting me," well he's right, it IS a pain and she doesn't trust you and thats why you have to do these things to gain all her trust back. Its worth it when you love someone, isn't it?
Rainlover... I do believe the relationship can go not only back to what it was, but better...I've seen it.,,,,and more than once...People are too quick to throw in the towel IMO....You always have to ask yourself " if he/she is not in my life anymore will I be able to enjoy the rest of my life or will I always be thinking of her/him. If you think you will always be thinking of that person, well then that means you love them and if you love them,,, how can a person let that go.?.. I couldn't if in that situation... I've read Miami's story and she and her Husband seem very happy together, but it took work on building that trust back no doubt...take care..
You can have a person that TRULY is sorry and would never do it again. That's the person IMO who needs the second chance is what I'm saying. And that would take time to gain back trust. And how is that done? By the person being accountable for their time etc. Sounds like a pain, but that is how someone would work at gaining trust back. If a person says oh I just have to learn to trust him yet not set up some type of system, it won't work that way... IMO,The person has to be in contact with their Spouse during the day, night or whenever apart,just as if she was his "parole officer."
If someone wouldn't want to do that then they don't want to WORK at their marriage. As I mentioned, theres a restoration process and that takes time and it takes work..
I have seen marriages work out just fine,,,, but a woman can be very fragile and so can a man when this happens... Again,the person who cheated has to know they have to make their Spouse feel they know at any time they can call them because knowing their Spouse is where he said he would be when they call them will help build that trust. You have to remember when he was in the affair, the Wife most likely trusted the Spouse and didn't have to call him but now she is thinking I didn't know really where he was all that time on those days or nights, so now the Husband would have to be accountable for all his time. If that sounds like too much of a pain or "she's not trusting me," well he's right, it IS a pain and she doesn't trust you and thats why you have to do these things to gain all her trust back. Its worth it when you love someone, isn't it?
Rainlover... I do believe the relationship can go not only back to what it was, but better...I've seen it.,,,,and more than once...People are too quick to throw in the towel IMO....You always have to ask yourself " if he/she is not in my life anymore will I be able to enjoy the rest of my life or will I always be thinking of her/him. If you think you will always be thinking of that person, well then that means you love them and if you love them,,, how can a person let that go.?.. I couldn't if in that situation... I've read Miami's story and she and her Husband seem very happy together, but it took work on building that trust back no doubt...take care..
It really comes down to what u can live with. If its harder to live without the cheater or is it harder to stay. In the end it will come down to how much u love, your ability to forgiv and what u can live with. Just my opinion. All the best to everybody. Peace and lov.
You all have excellent opinions and I would say that it's a person choise of course,but for those people who would take a cheater back all I'm saying is that the relationship will never be the same again.
Sadly, if my boyfriend/husband cheated on me i would never be able to take him back honestly. It doesnt matter how much i love him, i would never trust him again. I would try, but in the end i would always be suspicious and wary. I would still let him have a relationship with our son, but the relationship between me and him would end. Ive grown in a household where both my parents cheated on each other and they put me and my siblings through hell. I would never want to live in a state of not trusting my husband, it would drive me crazy:/
"If your man cheated would you take him back or is it over and done with.Please explain either way.Yes or No and Why.Thankyou."
I'd take him back of course. A person can make a mistake and have remorse. I wouldn't let one mistake destroy my marriage, it couldn't anyhow because I love my Husband that much. I don't think he would cheat, but thats my answer if I found myself in that situation. And could my marriage be restored like new or back to what it was? Yes I believe it could. Forgiveness is instant upon saying "I forgive you,"but restoration takes some time, and patience during that process is key.
I'd take him back of course. A person can make a mistake and have remorse. I wouldn't let one mistake destroy my marriage, it couldn't anyhow because I love my Husband that much. I don't think he would cheat, but thats my answer if I found myself in that situation. And could my marriage be restored like new or back to what it was? Yes I believe it could. Forgiveness is instant upon saying "I forgive you,"but restoration takes some time, and patience during that process is key.
I know this post is 10 days old, but I'm going to answer your original post (I didn't read any of the other comments, by the way, so if this has already been said, apologies):
If a man cheats on a woman, or a woman cheats on a man, I think the question that the cheatee (person that was cheated on) has to ask themselves is... can I ever TRUST the person again?
I think it has very little, if anything, to do with how much you love the person and has everything to do with trust.
You may love the person with all your heart and soul, but if you don't trust a single word that comes out of their mouth, or a single action they take, then your love is being misapplied.
It's all about trust.
Love is universal, but trust must be earned.
If a man cheats on a woman, or a woman cheats on a man, I think the question that the cheatee (person that was cheated on) has to ask themselves is... can I ever TRUST the person again?
I think it has very little, if anything, to do with how much you love the person and has everything to do with trust.
You may love the person with all your heart and soul, but if you don't trust a single word that comes out of their mouth, or a single action they take, then your love is being misapplied.
It's all about trust.
Love is universal, but trust must be earned.
I chose not to tell my Children. They ADORED Their Father and I felt I was protecting Them. This backfired on me BIG TIME. My Sons never forgave me for leaving Their Dad. I simply told them I was only 15 y.o. when I married him and that as I grew and matured I came to not love him anymore. They were unable to accept that. They came to know the truth after They were adults but my Sons have never reconciled with me. One Son has been away for 22 years, my Baby Son is dead, so that opportunity is gone. I was embarassed and humilited by what my husband was doing and I did my best to hide it. I was very young and I thought it was my shortcoming that caused him to cheat, that there was something wrong with me. It took YEARS for me to realize there was something wrong with HIM - that it was HIS shame, not mine. Of course, there were still many people who knew what was going on and that's how my Children came to know the truth. If I could do it all over again, I would tell my Children why I could no longer stay married to Their Dad but it's too late for me. I will NEVER recover the 22 YEARS I have lost with my 1st Son and there is no chance now with my Baby Son.
Having said all this my advise would be not to tell Your Children if You stay in the marriage. There is no point in them knowing what You have kept to YourSelf all this time - but if You decide to leave Your husband I would tell them the truth.
My heart is heavy for You. I feel Your anguish.
Having said all this my advise would be not to tell Your Children if You stay in the marriage. There is no point in them knowing what You have kept to YourSelf all this time - but if You decide to leave Your husband I would tell them the truth.
My heart is heavy for You. I feel Your anguish.
Hello.I see that you are an excellent advice giver.I did not want to tell anyone my problem but perhaps I was sent to this site for a reason.I've been married for over 50 years,have 9 children,They are all grown up and married,have great jobs,love their other half and have children. How do I tell them or should I tell that my husband ,their father gave me Chamydia.I love my husband very much but don't know what to do.My doctor said that I'm negative now [ had treatment] but I had the same disease 2 to 5 years ago.My husband said he never cheated on me I DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. I had the feeling at one time that he was cheating on me with a young man about 20 to 30 years old. He keeps denying it,HE keeps telling me he loves me even when his lover left something on my side of the bed.WE used to go to church every Sunday and I was involved in many clubs where we live. He knows that I never slept with anyone but he keeps denying his unfaithfulness.If he is bisexual is that a disease or a way of life for him.? I do not want to hurt our children with this info but please advise.Thank you.This is the short story of what he has done thur the many ,many years of marriage.I am youger than he is ,he is 81 yrs old.
You are one hell of a woman to have gone through all that and remain strong as nails. Chapeau! (hats off to you)
I was only 17 y.o. and had 2 Babies, each less than a year old when my Husband cheated the 1st time (that I knew of). I had NO WHERE to go except back home to an alcoholic, abusive Mother - I had not even finished High School - and didn't believe I could take care of myself and my 2 Babies, so, I stayed - and did EVERYTHING I could think to ensure He would stray no more, but alas, my Husband NEVER stopped cheating. His NUMEROUS affairs included "friends" AND AFFAIRS WITH MY 2 BROTHERS' WIVES!! I have one Nephew(?) who I don't REALLY know if He is my Nephew or my Step Son!!?? There are NO words in our vocabulary that could ever come close to Explaining/Describing my Pain and Anguish and Despair!! My 2 Brothers are still Married to these Offending women and of course my Nephew(?) is a large part of my life - I Love Him with all my Heart!. This (ex)Husband (after 15 Years of cheating) is Father to my 3 Children - so virtually, there is no REAL escape from Him. This man still plays a HUGE role in my life. - Christmas, Birthdays (we share GrandChildren for crying out loud!!) I DETEST this man with every fiber of my being - but circumstances dictate that I remain kind and polite for the sake of Others. My Brothers stayed married to these offending wives so I deal with them (the wives) as well. So, FINALLY, I gained the Strength, the Courage to leave this man after 15 YEARS of cheating!! and while I would choose to NEVER lay eyes on Him again!! still, forever!! He will be in my life!!
(in spite of how much I have revealed here - this story is MUCH longer, MUCH uglier and the LOSSES have been MUCH hugher!! I have one Son who chooses His Dad - I have seen Him 2 times in the last 22 years at family funerals. I have another Son who also chose His Dad and died of an accidental drug overdose 4 years ago and still was estranged from me at the time!! My Children loved Their Dad so I tried to protect Them from knowing what He was doing - as a result They blamed me for leaving the marriage!! I do have a Daughter who loves me with all Her Heart and I have 4 GrandDaugters who Love me just as much as She does. I'm SO grateful!! but, none the less - I have 2 HUGE holes in my Heart where my Sons are supposed to be.
There is so much more. This is very, very brief. I could write a book.
(in spite of how much I have revealed here - this story is MUCH longer, MUCH uglier and the LOSSES have been MUCH hugher!! I have one Son who chooses His Dad - I have seen Him 2 times in the last 22 years at family funerals. I have another Son who also chose His Dad and died of an accidental drug overdose 4 years ago and still was estranged from me at the time!! My Children loved Their Dad so I tried to protect Them from knowing what He was doing - as a result They blamed me for leaving the marriage!! I do have a Daughter who loves me with all Her Heart and I have 4 GrandDaugters who Love me just as much as She does. I'm SO grateful!! but, none the less - I have 2 HUGE holes in my Heart where my Sons are supposed to be.
There is so much more. This is very, very brief. I could write a book.
You're right teko.What woman would really want to be with a cheat.Not many would forgive and I don't blame them.I think when you cheat it's like you are branded and you will be for the rest of your days.Yes,you can move on but most cheats can forget about being with the person they cheated on ever again and thats are hard pill to swallow.
Hell No I wouldnt take him back because its not about his having sex with someone else as much as the betrayel of everything we as a couple stand for. The lying, the sneaking around, pretending, degrading all the work that WE put into making a home, a family, a future. No, once he tears that down, that basic respect of himself and me as a person, there is no going back. She better be prepared to take him in and thats all there is to it. If someone wants my leftovers all that damn bad, they are welcome to em. Me, I dont do leftovers. No bodys.
It depends on circumstances. If it is about really long relationship and we are sure about our feelings and that we are right for each other than I would probably forgive him. On the other hand if he was cheating for longer time, something is wrong, I mean there are reasons for that and in that case I would break up. If relationship didn't get so serious, we don't know each other for so long and we didn't build strong feelings I wouldn't give him second chance, because most of men would do that again, again and again...
I think that there is no justification for cheating on your partner. You just don't do that to someone you love and respect. I think that if someone has intentions to cheat, they should break it off with the other person. It isn't fair to always be questioning if the cheating party is being honest.. And it is totally unfair to feel like you were never good enough.. If I was good enough for my partner, then WHY did he find another woman to be intimate with? I think it is an unforgivable betrayal in my book. A total deal breaker for me. If someone loves and respects you, then they have no REASON to cheat. I am tired of hearing that men were "programmed" to cheat, it's in their nature.. THIS IS A BUNCH OF B.S. to me.
Cheating on someone is a selfish act. BOTTOM LINE.
However, before I conclude.. I would like to say that I have a lot of respect for those who were cheated on to gut it out. I know there are some people on this forum who have gone through this. I do not mean ANY disrespect. I think that there are a few people that can change for the better... EMPHASIS on FEW.
Again, I mean NO disrespect to anybody.. This is only MY personal opinion.
Cheating on someone is a selfish act. BOTTOM LINE.
However, before I conclude.. I would like to say that I have a lot of respect for those who were cheated on to gut it out. I know there are some people on this forum who have gone through this. I do not mean ANY disrespect. I think that there are a few people that can change for the better... EMPHASIS on FEW.
Again, I mean NO disrespect to anybody.. This is only MY personal opinion.
I feel for you my friend.I have walked in your shoes and I know the pain.You have shown remorse as have I but the scars will always be there.Some people never tell their spouse that they cheated but we were man enough to confess what we did and then subsequently pay the price that we deserved.Again I would thank everyone who posted a comment on a subject that is so common,painful and unexceptable.
Thankyou for the well wishes but I am not deserving of it.I made my own bed I have to lay in it now.I'm so sorry for what you went through because I know how you felt because even though I was the cheater I felt the same way.It takes so long to recover from what was an act stupidity on my part and anyone who cheats.I wish you all the best in the future,you didn't deserve that,no one does.
Most everything above is very touching.... I am the hardest of all hard learners and cheating is something I thought I'd never do. I saw it affect my parents marriage and I hated it. Yet some almost 40 years after my parents went through this, I put my wife and family through the very same thing.... Unexplainable.
I was cheated on by my ex-wife. It started when we were around 40 and although I knew something was terribly wrong I wasn't able to catch her for 2 years. It was the WORST time of my life. I suffered from depression, OCD, anxiety, and all the things that go with those conditions. I'm now 44 and still not fully recovered.
However if the cheating had been very brief and/or she had come clean when I first asked her I would say there is a possibility we could have worked things out. Being divorced and a single parent is not what I wanted or had in mind at this point in my life.
I agree with some of the others on here that said it is case by case. The wife of a work colleague cheated on him with his brother. Yet he has decided to work things out, found God, and they are actually pregnant!
I do wish you luck on your journey. Everything changes.
Take care.
However if the cheating had been very brief and/or she had come clean when I first asked her I would say there is a possibility we could have worked things out. Being divorced and a single parent is not what I wanted or had in mind at this point in my life.
I agree with some of the others on here that said it is case by case. The wife of a work colleague cheated on him with his brother. Yet he has decided to work things out, found God, and they are actually pregnant!
I do wish you luck on your journey. Everything changes.
Take care.
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I would NEVER tolerate it married or not, children or no children. Why should ANYONE have to? I am not going to stay and enable his "bad behavior". Plus, children KNOW when something isn't right between their parents. They can be AMAZINGLY intuitive.
I have never been cheated on to my knowledge, but if my husband did and I found out I am 200% SURE divorce proceedings would ensue. I am independent and can very well support myself with or without him. I love my husband but I surely wouldn't let him make a "fool" out of me. I have had family members and friends going through this.......it obviously is extremely painful. Then, some of them stayed in the relationship or marriage and the man does it AGAIN, but the cheater goes about it in a DIFFERENT manner trying not to get caught like the first time. Oh brother.......forget it.
For those who DO attempt to stay, they should DEFINITELY be running not walking to a therapist WITH the "cheater" in tow trying to figure out the who, where, what and why of the situation QUICK.
I feel for you RainLover71, you sound remorseful, but she is hurting. I am sure the situation shattered her self-worth, etc. Now that you know better I am sure you will do better.