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Cheating
Have you ever cheated or been cheated on?
I'm not judging I just want to see the ratio to help me with a decision I've made. (No I didn't cheat.)
I'm not judging I just want to see the ratio to help me with a decision I've made. (No I didn't cheat.)
Not everyone will understand your reasoning for staying. But as long as you are happy with your decision, because at the end of the day, you are the only one who has to live with your choices. I only told a few friends who I knew wouldn't be too judgmental. The ones who typically are, just don't want to see you hurt. Try to understand that they want the best for you.
Thank you all for these comments! I really like having an open forum to release in especially since it is NOT something I am proud of or would like the world to know. The people who do no longer support our relationship which makes it really hard for me because I wanna cry sometimes but I don't want him to see me hurt anymore knowing that he is trying so hard!
Sweetie, being that I went through I can say that unfortunately he may be slipping the things you describe after what he already did don't show progress after I got the "confession" everything has been different. I have passwords to everything he asks me to read him txts when his phone is closer he calls & txts daily. My guy also travels for work & that is better as well. Life has changed a lot, but it's for the better. Make sure the good always out weighs the bad Darling. <3 I wish you & your husband the very best of luck! (:
I'm confused do you think I cheated? I didn't I was cheated on. I am trying to figure out where to go from it. He came to me & told me the truth he apologized & cut the person out of his life. I am trying to move on from it, but I am finding it so hard at times. However since he confessed our relationship is back to normal like before anything happened between them.
I'm in Your court.
I do not accept the common excuse "I made a mistake". A mistake is something You do and THEN realize it was wrong. One knows an affair is wrong at the get-go and that's why it takes lying, hiding, cheating, sneaking, etc., etc - that's not a "mistake", that's INTENT!!
If it were a "mistake" one could come home and say: "Honey, I made a mistake today, I had an affair" and Honey would say, "Oh, no problem, sweetie - try, try again till you get it right".
No big deal when it's just a "mistake".
I do not accept the common excuse "I made a mistake". A mistake is something You do and THEN realize it was wrong. One knows an affair is wrong at the get-go and that's why it takes lying, hiding, cheating, sneaking, etc., etc - that's not a "mistake", that's INTENT!!
If it were a "mistake" one could come home and say: "Honey, I made a mistake today, I had an affair" and Honey would say, "Oh, no problem, sweetie - try, try again till you get it right".
No big deal when it's just a "mistake".
I'm going to get brutally honest here, because this isn't a topic to be taken lightly.
For those that have been cheated on, my heart goes out to you. I am in the same boat and have been cheated on, on several occasions by ex's.
For those that have cheated, the only reason your contrite, and sad, etc, is because you got caught.
Please tell me honestly, that if your indiscretion had gone unseen, unheard & unfound (and was still going on), that you'd be as regretful and contrite and sad and mournful. The only reason you're apologetic, is because your significant other found out... period.
Yes, I'm sure you're all sorry, that stands to reason. If you weren't sorry, I'd probably label you a sociopath or something of that nature.
The real question of this poll should be, "Cheaters: Are you upset that you got caught?" or, ""Cheaters: If you'd not been caught, would you still be cheating?"
For those that have been cheated on, my heart goes out to you. I am in the same boat and have been cheated on, on several occasions by ex's.
For those that have cheated, the only reason your contrite, and sad, etc, is because you got caught.
Please tell me honestly, that if your indiscretion had gone unseen, unheard & unfound (and was still going on), that you'd be as regretful and contrite and sad and mournful. The only reason you're apologetic, is because your significant other found out... period.
Yes, I'm sure you're all sorry, that stands to reason. If you weren't sorry, I'd probably label you a sociopath or something of that nature.
The real question of this poll should be, "Cheaters: Are you upset that you got caught?" or, ""Cheaters: If you'd not been caught, would you still be cheating?"
I just found out a week before Christmas that my husband who I've been with for 21 years was having an affair. He says it's over and that he's sorry, but I don't believe him. For the first couple weeks he would text me all the time and send me pictures of who he was with (he travels for work). Then the pictures stopped. Eventually the texting became less. We went to counseling two times and he doesn't like it so we don't go anymore. Now that I have the password to his phone he guards it. He deletes history on his iPad. When I'm upset because of thoughts or images in my head he gets mad. He claims he wants to work on things, but he ***** at making amends. He tries really hard for a day or two then gives up.
Brice - what you did *****. I know how much pain your wife is in/was. However, you sound like you are truly sorry for what you did. That you want to be with your wife. You want her to forgive you, trust you and love you again. Keep working at it. Never stop. You will have to price yourself to her everyday for the rest if your life, but if she's worth it you can do it.
Brice - what you did *****. I know how much pain your wife is in/was. However, you sound like you are truly sorry for what you did. That you want to be with your wife. You want her to forgive you, trust you and love you again. Keep working at it. Never stop. You will have to price yourself to her everyday for the rest if your life, but if she's worth it you can do it.
Rainlover and Brice,
I like your contrite hearts.
I don't think I'll ever hear anything like that from my cheating Ex husband when he destroyed my 12 year marriage.
I never heard a word of apology, only "what was I supposed to do?" "Am I supposed to be unhappy?" "I didn't mean to hurt you."
But what it left me with is rejection and trust issues to carry with me.
We all make mistakes, some big ones that we should know better. I think the real trick is realizing what we've done and the pain we've caused and learning never to do that again. Some people just never get it.
I like your contrite hearts.
I don't think I'll ever hear anything like that from my cheating Ex husband when he destroyed my 12 year marriage.
I never heard a word of apology, only "what was I supposed to do?" "Am I supposed to be unhappy?" "I didn't mean to hurt you."
But what it left me with is rejection and trust issues to carry with me.
We all make mistakes, some big ones that we should know better. I think the real trick is realizing what we've done and the pain we've caused and learning never to do that again. Some people just never get it.
Wow Brice,
In your first paragraph, you've put into word something that I had tried to work through for 2.5 years now.
My husband of 12 years cheated and left me for a woman. He left glibly, and cheerfully. He did tell people about it, how she was just more 'compatible'. His happiness was paramount and it didn't matter how it hurt anyone or whether it was right or wrong. In his mind, right and wrong are superseded by his desires. He didn't cheat in my house, but he did bring that woman over to 'help him move out'.
Like you said, I lost friends over it. We had what I thought was a lot of mutual friends, as we were both working musicians. So many people never said a word to me. Most, not wanting to 'get in the middle' of it. But he's still interacting and friends with them, and the tacet 'pass' they've given him hurts me as much as his bad behavior.
I mean, if he had died, they all would have rallied around me. Not the case.
Add to that I have no family support, because I have no family.
Seriously, no parents, no children, no brothers or sisters, no nieces or nephews or uncles. I have 2 cousins and an Aunt that are 1100 miles away.
His mistake was grievous, but I don't think he's realized it to this day. He cheated with a married woman, who has an 11 yr old girl. Two marriages ruined.
I heard that the woman and he were 'over' but still friendly about two months ago. Still not one inkling of remorse, repentance, or even a belated apology toward me.
I am not wanting to reconcile, the door has closed on that one. I'm stronger and even happier now. The dust does settle and you can clearly see the people who are still standing by you.
I encourage anyone who is able to reconcile to do so. It is a move of great strength and courage.
But I would warn that 'the second time someone cheats is easier than the first'.
In your first paragraph, you've put into word something that I had tried to work through for 2.5 years now.
My husband of 12 years cheated and left me for a woman. He left glibly, and cheerfully. He did tell people about it, how she was just more 'compatible'. His happiness was paramount and it didn't matter how it hurt anyone or whether it was right or wrong. In his mind, right and wrong are superseded by his desires. He didn't cheat in my house, but he did bring that woman over to 'help him move out'.
Like you said, I lost friends over it. We had what I thought was a lot of mutual friends, as we were both working musicians. So many people never said a word to me. Most, not wanting to 'get in the middle' of it. But he's still interacting and friends with them, and the tacet 'pass' they've given him hurts me as much as his bad behavior.
I mean, if he had died, they all would have rallied around me. Not the case.
Add to that I have no family support, because I have no family.
Seriously, no parents, no children, no brothers or sisters, no nieces or nephews or uncles. I have 2 cousins and an Aunt that are 1100 miles away.
His mistake was grievous, but I don't think he's realized it to this day. He cheated with a married woman, who has an 11 yr old girl. Two marriages ruined.
I heard that the woman and he were 'over' but still friendly about two months ago. Still not one inkling of remorse, repentance, or even a belated apology toward me.
I am not wanting to reconcile, the door has closed on that one. I'm stronger and even happier now. The dust does settle and you can clearly see the people who are still standing by you.
I encourage anyone who is able to reconcile to do so. It is a move of great strength and courage.
But I would warn that 'the second time someone cheats is easier than the first'.
Thanks for the kind words.
As for telling my friends and family, to me.... it is something I had to set straight. I had been portraying myself for a time as being something that I was not. Confessing to them that I was a dirt bag for a period of time was necessary for ME to go on. I had to put the cards on the table. I betrayed my wife in the biggest way imaginable and I also betrayed my friends. At this important time, I owed everyone the honesty that I had deprived them of.
With me, I always told it like it was. (With the exception of the affair.) You might not like what I had to say, but it was how I felt and that was the end of it. Even people that didn't necessarily like me, respected me because of my honesty and my integrity..... I had none during the affair and I wanted everyone to know what I had done, and I wanted them to hear it from me and not off the street. Me giving them the deserved honesty was my way back into being the guy I used to be. It ***** to tell your friends and family that you are a douche bag, but it almost killed me to tell my best friend, my wife, how big a douche bag I was.
Will I relapse? Not in a million years. I risked the best thing I've ever had and I won't do that again. Nothing is worth losing what I've got, and I know we aren't out of the woods yet but I am 100% committed to making this work. I understand that what I've done could have done irreparable damage to the relationship, and that the marriage still might not survive this. We are in a better place now, and almost every day it gets a little better. We still have some tough times and I guess we can expect some for the future.
I had a depression disorder before this affair and have addressed it and an anxiety issue, but I still deal a lot with anxiety as I am sure my wife does too.
As for telling my friends and family, to me.... it is something I had to set straight. I had been portraying myself for a time as being something that I was not. Confessing to them that I was a dirt bag for a period of time was necessary for ME to go on. I had to put the cards on the table. I betrayed my wife in the biggest way imaginable and I also betrayed my friends. At this important time, I owed everyone the honesty that I had deprived them of.
With me, I always told it like it was. (With the exception of the affair.) You might not like what I had to say, but it was how I felt and that was the end of it. Even people that didn't necessarily like me, respected me because of my honesty and my integrity..... I had none during the affair and I wanted everyone to know what I had done, and I wanted them to hear it from me and not off the street. Me giving them the deserved honesty was my way back into being the guy I used to be. It ***** to tell your friends and family that you are a douche bag, but it almost killed me to tell my best friend, my wife, how big a douche bag I was.
Will I relapse? Not in a million years. I risked the best thing I've ever had and I won't do that again. Nothing is worth losing what I've got, and I know we aren't out of the woods yet but I am 100% committed to making this work. I understand that what I've done could have done irreparable damage to the relationship, and that the marriage still might not survive this. We are in a better place now, and almost every day it gets a little better. We still have some tough times and I guess we can expect some for the future.
I had a depression disorder before this affair and have addressed it and an anxiety issue, but I still deal a lot with anxiety as I am sure my wife does too.
Yes you are! The world is consumed by material things these days. It's more about right now instead of around the corner. I am hoping everything works out I respect him but I told him we will have to work on trust! I have high hopes for a good & honest future!! <3
I am amazed that you were brave enough to go to your friends & I assume family & "confess" what you did! My boyfriend does not want anyone to know, he is very ashamed of what he's done & now feels like he doesn't deserve me. I love him so much though & I really think that we can work through it. Do you think you would ever relapse? Congratulations on working on your marriage & being a better man! (: That is truly inspirational for me!
Thank you I really hope we can too! I truly believe we aren't meant to have a long life together not just a quick run. (:
Never did it and never had it done to me that I am aware of. I see from the poll I am a minority now! Wow! How freakin sad is that~
Respect your partner and above all else, respect yourself. It is you who has to live with you afterward and rarely is it ever worth it in the long run. If you are not compatible with who you are with then respect them and yourself enuff to be honest and break the ties before moving on. Wow the world sure has changed in the last decade or two. And not for the good I dont think.
Respect your partner and above all else, respect yourself. It is you who has to live with you afterward and rarely is it ever worth it in the long run. If you are not compatible with who you are with then respect them and yourself enuff to be honest and break the ties before moving on. Wow the world sure has changed in the last decade or two. And not for the good I dont think.
I know my act of infidelity ruined a lot of friendships for both my wife and I. That is real unfortunate and totally unfair in regards to my wife. She didn't do this and could have used the support that she would have given any one of the people who jumped ship, if they were the ones affected by infidelity.
I can understand people taking a step back and "letting the dust settle". But to abandon what where healthy, stable friendships seems so foreign to me. Maybe those friendships meant more to me than it did them? I don't know. Maybe these "friends" do not want to feel as if they are caught in the middle? Again, I don't know.
Part of my program for healing and repairing my marriage was to go to those who were closest to us and tell them of the infidelity personally, before they had the opportunity to hear it on the streets. I felt as if I owed it to them, especially if they were present the day we got married. One friend, I completely blew out of the water... and I understand that. It was out of context for me, and I could see the friendship deflate right in front of my very eyes. Some friends were supportive.... upset that I would do such a thing, but supported our decision to try to repair the marriage. (Perhaps those were people who had been through the same thing or had other "skeletons in the closet." Perhaps they simply valued our friendship....)
I can understand people taking a step back and "letting the dust settle". But to abandon what where healthy, stable friendships seems so foreign to me. Maybe those friendships meant more to me than it did them? I don't know. Maybe these "friends" do not want to feel as if they are caught in the middle? Again, I don't know.
Part of my program for healing and repairing my marriage was to go to those who were closest to us and tell them of the infidelity personally, before they had the opportunity to hear it on the streets. I felt as if I owed it to them, especially if they were present the day we got married. One friend, I completely blew out of the water... and I understand that. It was out of context for me, and I could see the friendship deflate right in front of my very eyes. Some friends were supportive.... upset that I would do such a thing, but supported our decision to try to repair the marriage. (Perhaps those were people who had been through the same thing or had other "skeletons in the closet." Perhaps they simply valued our friendship....)
COMMUNITY LEADER
We have a lot of people that post here that have been cheated on or cheated and have worked through it (or are doing so). It is hard work but it can bring a new understanding to a relationship and may even make for a more solid partnership down the road. Knowing what you can lose is powerful. good luck
Of course, it is actually very nice to be able to share my story since I kind of hide it from everyone that knows us because I don't want them to judge him since I want to be with him the rest of my life! The worst is that it happened with 2 different women both were ex's! 1 he only slept with 1 time the other he slept with so many times he can't count. That one was the one I suspected & questioned him about. Him coming forward did jump start my healing process since I could tell it ate him up inside. I know that I have his heart I even saw emails back & forth between them where she would ask him to leave me & he told her that I was the best thing to happen to him & he would never leave me that she may be fun but I was his soulmate that made a true impact on my decision to stay!
I completely agree staying was the hardest decision I have ever made but since we were so young starting out & have grown & matured so much since it happened I am "playing the fool" & giving it another go. I always said I would never stay with a man who would cheat & that I only give one chance but for some reason I guess love has changed my mind & made me soft. I have always been nothing but good to him I give him everything he has ever wanted asked for & more he never has wish for anything he knows he will get it I wait on him hand & foot I love to spoil him rotten. That confession cut me to my soul but he cut both the women out his life & lets me see his phone I have all his passwords & we hide NOTHING anymore if he so much as buys a drink at Wendy's I know about it! He erased their numbers, pictures, & blocked them on social networks. He has made a true 180 & I am actually very proud in a way I feel like maybe we will actually make it through! <3
COMMUNITY LEADER
thank you for sharing your story, it is a double betrayel when they do it is our own "space". That is terrible and I'm sure hurt you very much. Sorry that happened.
I agree that cheating is never excusable. Some couples do move past it but it can only happen when the one who cheated takes full responsibility and works to make it up to the partner they betrayed. And it is understandable when one decides it isn't even worth the effort to try to forgibe someone for this.
Infidelity hurts. No two ways about it.
I agree that cheating is never excusable. Some couples do move past it but it can only happen when the one who cheated takes full responsibility and works to make it up to the partner they betrayed. And it is understandable when one decides it isn't even worth the effort to try to forgibe someone for this.
Infidelity hurts. No two ways about it.
I was cheated on by my son's father, in our house, in my bed. The pain was indescribable and I divorced him over it. In my opinion cheating is wrong because it is built with deceit and lies, breaks the wedding vows and someone usually ends up hurt. It hurt me especially because I was so good to my husband, never turned my back to him when he needed me, always looked good, etc it really doesn't matter now but when some men decide to cheat I don't think they are thinking about the repercussions You know the old "thinking with the wrong head thing) This is just my opinion, I would never speak for someones elses circumstances. Good topic!
Thank you! I have always said the same thing & yet now that it has happened I love him so much we have been together over 2 years & he confessed & said he wanted to spend his life with me & I feel the same way so it's like why leave the guy who has your heart over his mistake when he may be the one made for you. We have no kids together but we have been through a lot more than most people go through in 2 years time. I really appreciate your words of encouragement!
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