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Boyfriend confessed to sometimes fantasizing about children having intercourse
Yesterday my boyfriend came clean about something that had been on his mind--namely, he was afraid of me judging him for finding the notion of children (particularly step-siblings) experimenting sexually with each other arousing. He emphasized that he would never make anyone have sex with him nonconsensually and he explained that he had a complicated and repressed childhood and for that reason is not proud of having these thoughts. I could tell he was scared of my reaction so I tried to remain calm and asked him some more questions about it; he assured me that he was not a pedophile and would never hurt anyone. This was very difficult for me to hear but I didn't want to go all psycho on him because in all other respects he is my dream guy, he has always treated me with the utmost respect and consideration. I love him immensely and I don't want to lose him. How do you suggest I handle this?
Talk it over with a counselor. He didn't tell you what he should have told you, which is that he is actively seeking help at not being sexually interested in seeing kids have sex. If someone arouses to the idea of children sexually, this might not be something that will ever change about him. And in fact, it doesn't sound like he is saying he intends to try to change these thoughts, just that he is not proud of having them. In a way, his being ashamed is the (small) price he pays to be able to continue to have the thoughts. Was he asking for your help in seeking therapy, or was he merely checking out your reaction in hopes he could go on like this with your (if not approval) at least your acquiescence?
He apparently was trying to reassure you when he says he would "never make anyone have sex with him nonconsensually." But that is just him telling you he would not rape someone, not him telling you he would never try to act on his attraction to the idea of children having sex.
Hard life or not, however he got there, he is there now, and it's what he decides to do to either rid himself of these desires or to control them so he never does anything to a child, that matters.
He apparently was trying to reassure you when he says he would "never make anyone have sex with him nonconsensually." But that is just him telling you he would not rape someone, not him telling you he would never try to act on his attraction to the idea of children having sex.
Hard life or not, however he got there, he is there now, and it's what he decides to do to either rid himself of these desires or to control them so he never does anything to a child, that matters.
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No, he didn't ask for my help in combating this fantasy, he was just worried about my reaction to it, stating that he doesn't want to keep any secrets from me. In fact, he compared these thoughts to someone playing a video game where you kill people in it and then go on with your day to be a totally functioning individual in society (perhaps an unfortunate example in this situation, I know...). He did stress that it wasn't a major part of his sexuality, and said that he never looks at pictures of real-life children because he finds it wrong but sometimes does watch lolicon hentai. I suppose that people can have weird fantasies and not be bad people, but what if we ever have children together? Will I constantly live in worry? I don't want to just cut my losses and run since this relationship is important to me, so I think suggesting therapy would be the sensible option here. Thanks for your reply.
If he watches that now, then he has a serious problem and I wouldn't want to be involved with him to find where it goes with time. People's behavior usually gets worse with age and they become more set in their ways, so I wouldn't trust someone like him to resist future temptations even if he had told you that he wanted to go to counseling. His mind is wired to enjoy this sick fantasy and it is unlikely it can be changed, plus it seems he doesn't want to change it and instead wants you to accept it. Who knows what temptation will come his way in future?
Here is another way to look at it. How would you feel if one of your friends found out about his fantasy? You would likely be embarrassed then, and I would be now.
He didn't even suggest going for therapy, so that means run to me, rather than is this something that I can find a way to live with? I know this isn't what you requested for advice, so if you don't like it, then I suggest you see a therapist for professional advice about his situation.
Here is another way to look at it. How would you feel if one of your friends found out about his fantasy? You would likely be embarrassed then, and I would be now.
He didn't even suggest going for therapy, so that means run to me, rather than is this something that I can find a way to live with? I know this isn't what you requested for advice, so if you don't like it, then I suggest you see a therapist for professional advice about his situation.
It is also possible that he is holding back. Maybe he gave you the "edited version" to see what your reaction would be. I believe those videos he watches are illegal, so what does that say about how strong his desire is when he risks his freedom for that?
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