Why did you get involved with a guy who isn't working? That was your first huge mistake. I'd leave the stuff with his kid on the back burner for now and force him to start working or else kick his lazy butt out on the street. Why are you putting up with THAT? That's a major issue, far more serious than anything about his kid. Do something about his lazy mooching behavior and worry about the rest of it later!
Your concern for the attention He gives His Daughter seems to me the least of Your issues. Frankly, I don't see that as a problem. This happens so often. Most likely He doesn't love that Daughter any more than His other Children but SHE is the one who is not living with Him. Perhaps He feels He has to make that up to Her somehow. Perhaps You misunderstand His feeling for that. Too late now, You have a family with Him also, but my oh my, it would save SO much grief if we looked at these situations more carefully BEFORE we marry a man who already has other children.
You should consider family counseling
GoodLuck
Hi, coming back to correct something I wrote. While I can understand why he would like her to have a phone--- I can see why you'd be frustrated that he used what little money he had to go get her one when he doesn't contribute. I do get that. I thought about that and yes, that does seem inappropriate. I think that talking about how money is spent especially since he's not a financial contributor together would be good. BTW, when I speak of having a phone I can give to my kids at times I deem necessary,, it is a phone that*I* have control over and is an inexpensive flip phone just to get the job done of getting in touch with me via calling or text. Nothing fancy with very limited minutes.
Anyway, does your husband care for the other kids while you work by the way?
Hi there and welcome. Well, first, you sure have your hands full with a 4 year old on the spectrum, a 3 year old and a one year old PLUS paying all the bills. And you are in med school? Wowie, hats off to you as that is a LOT on your plate. You must wish for 50 hours in a day to get it al done.
Now, I see a real problem with your man for the fact that he doesn't contribute financially to your living expenses. Why is that not your main concern? What does he do for a living? Where does he work? What's his reason for not contributing? And why do you put up with that? I really see that as a huge problem.
As to his daughter, you'll probably never get me to say that a parent is giving too much attention to their child. I think that part of it is wonderful to be honest. Wouldn't you LOVE the father of your first two kids to be that involved and that close to your kids? Nothing warms my own heart personally than seeing my kids father dote on them. BUT . . . I'm not comparing what my husband does for our kids to what he does for other kids. That's where it gets tricky. You feel like he does TOO much for her compared to what he does for his shared child with you and his step kids. Maybe work on him being more close to the other kids is the route to take rather than having an expectation that he is less close to his daughter?
And the ex is something everyone in a situation of kids from a previous relationship has to deal with. Your boyfriend's best bet is to stay friendly with her and you too. Then it is not a fight and more peaceful to deal with her. Even if she is a little kooky. As long as she isn't dangerous, try not to judge or get involved. And I suspect your boyfriend wants his daughter to have a phone not because she isn't always with an adult but so she can stay connected to HIM when she is with her mom. Seems reasonable to me and I'd do the same for my kid if I wasn't with them all the time. In fact, I have an 8.5 year old and a 10 year old and we are getting a phone for them to have periodically like when they go to a sports practice or a friends house so they can call us if something happens. tonight my 8.5 year olds swim practice got canceled after 20 minutes into it due to lightening. I had no idea. His coach finally called me and other parents so we could come get the kids. The kids who have phones made the call themselves and were gone by the time I got there. it's a 'connected' world. No . . . I wouldn't allow my kids at that age free access to a phone but would allow them to use on to call me when they needed to.
I think you'll have to tread lightly. He seems content with his relationship with his daughter and you don't describe anything 'bad' other than their relationship annoys you. So, you'll get push back with that. Instead, try to get him to be closer to the other kids especially the child you two made together. And maybe have your ex get more involved with the kids that aren't his. Plan some family things for you all and see if you can get past this. Otherwise, he may get really mad at you for suggesting that he's 'too' close to his daughter. When you adore your child, that's it. He adores his daughter it sounds like. That isn't wrong---- its just making you feel like the rest of you are in second place to her. Maybe you are or you aren't . . .but try to help him value the rest of you as much as her.
And try to encourage him to help out financially. That will be best for all involved. good luck