Disrespect from stepdaughter, mother enables her

[quiksiver]

I have been married for about 3.5 years. About 2 years ago my wife got custody of her 2 daughters, who are now 15 and 16. About 5 months ago my wife and I had grown apart. Without going into too much detail,I communicated with another woman (never anything physical, never met in person, nothing sexual in any way). My wife found out and left, taking her 2 daughters and my 5 year old son. She believed I was having an affair, and told her daughter's everything. About 2 months later my wife and I decided to work things out and they came back. Her oldest daughter hates me now, and she blatantly disrespects me in front of her mother, my 5 year old son, and my 2 children fro my first marriage (I get them on alternating weekends). My stepdaughter literally curses me out, calls me names, and gets in my face, all while her mother (my wife) stands there watching. My wife does nothing to stop her, and I am left feeling foolish, since my wife isn't helping and there is nothing I can do. She (stepdaughter) will research psychopathy, narcissism, and other disorders on line and label me with those things, laughing as she talks about it to her mom, who in many cases will say that I meet some of the descriptions. When I talk to my wife alone, she says her daughter is in the wrong and needs counseling, and denies that she is enabling her. I am miserable, sad, hurt, and unhappy, but my hands are tied. I feel like a bullied child who can't fight back. I love my wife, but she seems to not be concerned with the disrespect or how I feel. It's at the point that I am considering do force. What can I do?

[Nighthawk61]

Short Answer? The reality is that you are being bullied by a 15/16 year old and your wife is complicit. When you were broken up, prior to getting back together, the ideal would have been for your wife to communicate with you and a marriage counselor so that you could present as a unified couple to most effectively co-parent your many children. You both would have had an understanding, and forgiveness for each other. It may not be too late for your marriage to become healthy, but that may not be the case very much further down the line. Time is of the essence.

[Nighthawk61]

When I talk to my wife alone, she says her daughter is in the wrong and needs counseling, and denies that she is enabling her.

Herein lies the crux of the problem. Your wife. I agree with the other ladies.

You need marriage counseling , BIG TIME. Not only is it necessary for you to be able to stay (you can try for a better wife for yourself you can STILL kick that can) but most importantly, as a parent YOU need to remove your children from this situation and teach them how to expect nothing less than a partnership that GROWS AND THRIVES. .

The reality is that your wife is SABOTAGING her daughters' perception and expectations of a healthy marriage, and (by your entering into a marriage commitment) YOUR  ability and PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY AND COMMITMENT to co-parent and nurture her children.

Currently, your wife IS THROWING EVERYBODY UNDER THE BUS AND IS TAKING NO PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER ACTIONS. As a role model, as it stands, with no change, she is a problem for every child connected to you both.

I agree that the reason for the current dynamic at home may be started in good measure because you stepped out emotionally with another women, but instead of the blame game - you both need to work out what was going on in your relationship when you decided to emotionally engage with another woman. I'm NOT saying that there needs to be a problem at home for a man to step out, but i am saying that this angle needs some introspection on both your parts. Complete honesty from you both with a healthy admission that you're not able to work this out amoungst yourselves (if history is the indicator) AND YOU BOTH NEED HELP TO GET TO A POINT THAT YOU ARE NOT LETTING YOUR CHILDREN DOWN AS A RESULT OF PURELY OBTUSE BEHAVIOR ON YOUR WIFE'S PART. (If your story here reflects everything going on in your home.)

If you do not insist on getting to a better place with help, if your wife refuses to allow herself to become vulnerable (not to attack) to INTROSPECTION AND ACTION, i don't think you have a choice but to move on. A lifetime of being disrespected by not only her kids, but yours, is too big a price to pay for the better traits of your wife.

God, Grant me the SERENITY to accept the things i cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things i can, and the WISDOM to know the difference.

There may be a reason why your wife is choosing to serreptitiously sabotage your future, but rather than a bout of you going on the internet to try and label what her problem might be, and contribute to the problem by doing so, (as your wife is allowing your daughters to do) you must get your wife to not only see that her daughter is out of control, but that she is implicit in sabotaging your position as husband and father. If you accept any less, then it is YOU that is ENABLING the behavior that will mess all of your kids up in the relationship department.

I've only said this once or twice, because i recognize the need for you to have a place to come and talk and be validated and supported, but i think it would help you to get your wife to see how all this looks from the outside looking in. People make mistakes, that's why it's SO IMPORTANT to acknowledge WANTING TO GROW AND MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR OURSELVES AND OUR KIDS.

You need to find out what kind of women your wife is, when confronted with HEALTHY CHANGE as opposed to either of you needing to reach out emotionally to anyone before you do your partner.

We're here for you and for your wife, your choice. You're in my thoughts and prayers in this new year.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm not sure of the nature of your contact talking to another woman, but you've done the same thing here at Medhep, reaching out for support for yourself. I think you need to let your wife know that you are doing nothing more than trying to find people to make a better marriage, for you for her, and all the children. You're doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG SHARING ANONYMOUSLY THE PROBLEMS IN YOUR MARRIAGE AND OPENING YOURSELF UP TO ADVICE. It could be by your FEAR YOUR WIFE CONTINUING TO BAD MOUTH AND SABOTAGE YOUR POSITION IN THE HOUSE. will stop you from using this forum to help in the initial stages of your marriage therapy, however, i challenge you to work out your fear response and use logic instead to move your marriage into AN HONEST RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR WIFE.  There's no change, unless there is change. And being totally TRANSPARENT WITH YOUR WIFE is what she's asked for. If you think about it, this hurdle is not a big step. Your wife admits to you that what's happening right now is not right. The hurdle is her being able to see that change is required by you both being open to the logic that comes from an objective observer. in the form of marriage counseling. I think you're all worth that. I hope your wife does too!!

[Nighthawk61]

Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.
Bertrand Russell

[Nighthawk61]

Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out.
Karl Augustus Menninger

[Nighthawk61]

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.
Unknown

[Nighthawk61]

Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.
Japanese Proverb

[specialmom]

I agree with Rockrose.  This is your wife's doing.  She should not have thrown you under the bus like that.  But since she did . . .  she needs to tell her daughter NO MORE.  To knock it off.  She will treat you with respect and that her mother and you are trying to be a family and she can not undermine that.  This is your wife . . .not the daughter that is to blame.  I'd ask your wife to tell her daughter that this can't go on (treating you poorly or cussing you out which NO child should do to an adult PERIOD.  Let's bring our kids up right, ya know?).  If your wife does truly want to mend the relationship with you then she needs to reign in her daughter.  

As parents, we aren't supposed to use our kids as our therapists or friends to discuss our adult problems with. What a burden for her daughter!!!  No matter what you did--  even if you 100 percent cheated, that is not what you are supposed to do as parents.  

Anyway, I'd discuss how your wife is going to fix this mess she created with her daughter.  Be friendly and patient in the process. And consider marital counseling AND family counseling to work through this.  

good luck and let us know how it goes!

[RockRose]

Your wife is using your daughter like a puppet, getting her to say the things to you your wife wishes she could say to you herself.  You've struck out again in the wife department.  It's one thing to have a stepchild be very unhappy with mom's new relationship and try to make things difficult - what you're describing is your wife is actively encouraging her daughter's behavior.  I rarely say this,  but I would recommend family counseling.