Do you think this is 'normal' behaviour?

[Rupertruby]

My husband is 46, his daughter is 25. They saw each other unti she was seven, then the mother stopped contact. She got back in touch when she was 15 by finding him on Facebook. It's only recently, about the past two years where I've been thinking their relationship is more like boyfriend and girlfriend than father and daughter. They have a 'song' which to me is a lovers song.  They go out on date nights, she wears her black dress because it's his faviurite colour, he says she looks amazing and she makes his tummy feel warm and fluffy. I'm getting so concerned. It makes me feel sick.

[specialmom]

PS:  my parents divorced during my freshman year in college.  My dad remarried very quickly.  I resented that I never got to do things with just him and not him and the new wife.  I really did.  Not that I didn't want to be around her too at times.  But I would have enjoyed a dinner out or whatever in which I felt like I mattered and was a priority even if for an hour over the new wife and their daughter that they had.  Everyone has different ideas of normal though and his relationship with his daughter shouldn't be so distressing to you---  or in your face----  or upsetting when you are trying to heal from his infidelity.  I get that.  I really do.

[specialmom]

Stay focused on the fact that your husband had an affair with your friend. THAT is the issue.  His relationship with his daughter while frustrating is not what is putting your marriage in jeopardy.  Focusing on this keeps you distracted from the true pain of what he has done to hurt you.  Which I am very sorry about.

I know leaving a marriage is really hard.  Especially years of comingling our lives, finances, etc.  It's probably overwhelming to think about all of that.  hugs

[Nighthawk61]

So NO this is not "normal" behavior in my universe. I have a  son that I adore, and his new partner is always by his side, and i'm more than happy to have her there. I do not need to have intimate dinners with my son for me to know that he loves me, or vice versa. AND it is my love and ability to be inclusive of his love interests that he respects. If it were any other way MY SON SURE WOULD CONSIDER IT ODD.

[Nighthawk61]

and dollars to doughnuts i'd be visited on holidays only, with his spouse in tow (as i think it should be). The more the merrier. The more people that these young adults are exposed to , the more they learn, the more they learn how to associate with all people, and treat everyone in the family with the same amount of love and respect.  That's what would produce the most well rounded, adult child, not a formal date night with dad every single week.

[Nighthawk61]

The more i think about it, the more weirded out i'm getting. lol

[Rupertruby]

He's never tried to make it up to me or seem remorseful at all. You have said all the things I say to him and think. He just says I've got it all wrong. They went out to plat miniature golf and wore matching outfits!!! No, she doesn't have a boyfriend. He buys her flowers and she makes him flowers out of craft. We have two sons together and he doesn't take them out on their own or with her. Odd.

[Nighthawk61]

Does his daughter have a boyfriend of her own by the way? I'm wondering because i also find it odd that if she does have a boyfriend why the boyfriend, and you are not being invited. ? I just don't get this mentality at all, and would not be a happy camper with this arrangement. It is odd all the way around, in my books. What if she were to get a boyfriend, and want to have her boyfriend by her side all the time, would you then be invited to go to dinner? Because that's messed up - that you have to wait to be invited to these special dinners until she grows up and has a partner of her own that she would likely no sooner leave at home than fly to the moon.?

[Nighthawk61]

I'm sorry that your husband cheated on you , and with a friend of yours is unconscionable. So, the daughter contacted him 10 years ago, so this is in no way a new relationship for them. The fact that you have known and get along with his daughter , gives me pause as to why you are not being invite on these date nights. I can't imagine what reason there would be for that. A father's role in life is to yes, bring his daughter out for dinner and make her feel special, but it is just as much so important for a dad to show his daughter how a man treats his wife, that a man doesn't separate his children from his wife, but teaches the daughter inclusion, not exclusion. On top of this, he's saying that "his tummy get's warm and fluffy" when he looks at her is very odd phrasing and i'm not sure what purpose this would serve for his daughter to hear. To me, the phrasing is out of place whether it's said to a daughter or a wife. But, if a man was to say something like that, it would serve a higher purpose for him to say this to you, in front of his daughter to teach her how loving couples treat each other.

He cheated. Not you. Why is he not bending over backwards to make you feel included, and special and the lady in his life, including songs and black tie dinners etc. including his daughter to teach her how a man should treat a lady, which is what a dad is supposed to do, to teach his daughter by his actions in his marriage with his wife, how women are to be treated. I'm not saying that dad and daughter should never have dinner together alone, but i'm not sure what purpose there would  be , unless you were busy elsewhere.

If it were me, I would not be happy being with a man that cheated on me, and then excluded me in any formal dinners. It would make no sense to me AT ALL.

Maybe you could talk to a therapist about this and get their take. Was marriage counseling ever discussed with your husband - so that you could heal from his indiscretions and also so that you were absolutely assured that he had REMORSE? It just doesn't sound, by his actions that he has any remorse and still does not have the ability to empathize about how you feel about not being asked to dinner with his daughter weekly. Maybe not every week, but certainly more often that not. That action would be the most beneficial teaching opportunity for him to show his daughter that LOVE SHOULD BE MULTIPLIED NOT DIVIDED. How did he try to make it up to you for cheating, or did he not bother? Because that's THE problem. To me, this little father daughter dalliance is just adding insult to injury.

.

[Rupertruby]

No his daughter doesn't have a boyfriend, we have two sons together and he doesn't take them out on their own or with her.  He's never shown remorse at what he's down to tried to make it better. I agree with what you say and feel it is really odd. They played miniature golf together for his birthday and wore matching outfits!!! Writing this is freaking me out!!!!

[specialmom]

He may not feel guilty about being out of your son's lives like he does with he.  

Keep your focus.  Other than calling it date night, I don't think it is weird.  I go out separately with my sons for one on one time.  They are teens but it's like our special thing we do here and there and they like it.  Weird?  Nah, just what we do.  

The difference is that I have dates with my husband too  and our relationship is not on the brink of disaster due to an affair.  So, keep focused on what the real problem here is as that is a distraction from the troubling situation of a long time affair with a friend of yours.  

[specialmom]

I'm sorry he has cheated on you.  That's a huge factor, I'm sure, in your emotions.  I really don't see anything here that is a major red flag.  They are a little weird with the whole 'date night' thing and black dress.  But odds are, it's purely innocent.  It just hurts your feelings right now because he's been a creep and cheated.  I'm not sure I could handle being cheated on three times.  Or do you mean he has had a three year affair with your friend?  Either way, that's terrible and probably making you wonder if you should even still be married to him.  Is the affair over?  Are you hoping to stay with your husband?  I think his relationship with your daughter just burns right now because of all the pain from that.  And I HOPE you've kicked that friend to the curb as she is no friend.  Very sorry!  hugs

[Rupertruby]

Yes Ive kicked the friend to the curb! Indeed I'm not sure where are marriage stands. We've got two kids and 26 years of history but it makes you question everything. Thought horrible times.

[specialmom]

Hm.  What is bugging you about this?  You feel you husband is sexually attracted to his daughter?  In all sincerity, I doubt it.  He got cut out of his kid's life for years and they reconnected.  Black is your husband's favorite color?  Hm.  Sure she isn't just like the rest of us and black is all purpose and you can wear it anywhere, any time and it is slimming?  Can't tell you how much black attire I have for that reason.  And going out to dinner . . . it always works.  And a dad telling his daughter she looks amazing is nice.  Why does this bother you for real?  I'm just asking because you don't write anything that is concerning to me from the outside looking in other than he gives her attention.  I don't know what he means by the warm and fluffy feelings but maybe he really IS happy they are reconnected.  Who calls there dinners and such 'date nights'.  You or them?  You could join them once in a while I'm sure.  Do you have any relationship with her?  

How is your marriage?  How does he treat you?  I would try not to be intimidated by this relationship.  And just keep your marriage strong.

It's always hard when we see our significant other with priorities that don't include us all the time.  I really understand that.  It's hard when there are kids from a previous relationship.  Hope it all works out.  Let us know how it goes.  

[Rupertruby]

They call them date nights and she tells him that she's wearing her black dress as its his favourite colour. Our marriage is going through a bad time, he's had a three affair with my friend that I found out about. Maybe my emotions are playing tricks on me. I'm happy that they're back in touch, I was with my husband before she was born so I've known her all her life and we've always got on.  I don't want want to be included in their time together, just feel it's very odd.