Does Everyone Feel This Way?

[joonzgurl]

My husband and I are newlyweds, and I love him dearly. He is so good to me, works very hard, is very affectionate, and I can't imagine my life without him... but I have a small problem.

I am afriad I am going to wake up in 10 years and wonder how I let my life come to this. Is this normal I have this concern? I know this is where I want to be, I cannot imagine my life any other way, but at the same time I have a fear that I will be unhappy in the future.

One of my major issues is the workload issue. My husband grew up in a small country town, with a mother who did everything for him. He has no problem changing my oil or cutting the lawn, but the house is pretty much my domain. He will help out when I ask- but I don't want to have to ask! Last night I went out to a friends place for a few hours for some wine, and I asked him to tidy up the dinner dishes and start the laundry. He said no problem... but when I got home he had not done it. I started to do it- he said for me to leave it... but.... why couldnt he just do it?!

We have had numberous discussions about this kind of thing. Always with the same response- he will work on it.

I knew things were like this before we got married. Part of me feels like I knew it was going to be like this so I should just suck it up and accept it- rather than make waves in our relationship. But then I see my friends whose husbands cook them supper, or clean the bathroom, and I feel jealous, like my husband should do that too.

I am afriad that we will have a baby, and then the next thing you know I will be stressed to the max, resentful of him, and overworked.

So this leads me to my fear of unhappiness in the future.

I don't really know what kind of responses I am looking for out there... maybe just to know I am alone? That feeling this way is completely normal?

Thanks for letting me get this out!

[joonzgurl]

you ladies have definately given me a lot to think about- that much is certain. Thank you for your insight!

Ammanda- yes I do work, leave the house at 7:15 each morning and get home at 5:15 so it is fairly long days for me.

iam1butterfly- wow- definately opened my eyes up to things that I had not even considered... thanks for giving me a lot to think about.

barbraswitcandy- thank you for reminding me how lucky I am to have had my husband given to me. I truly do need to be more thankful and aware of his good qualities.

special mom and rockrose- some great ideas there... you all definatly have me thinking, and comforted at the same time.

[specialmom]

ugh, what Rockrose says is so very true.   How does your husband do with the idea of fair?  Could he work from a list?  Could you set up an expectation of something being done before bed time and leave it alone (nagging him to do it on your schedule vs. his?) to give him a chance to do it?  Some of this also sounds like habit. If he is willing, he can break his habit.  

Hm.  What incentive can you give him?  You are going to hire a cleaning lady if he doesn't help and he has to pay for it?  You earn money from him (as in he gives you extra cash out of his pocket)  because YOU are the cleaning lady?  That you can not do some of the fun things he wants to do because you are too tired from cleaning?  

Just brainstorming here.  This a problem in many marriages.  And Rockrose does speak the truth. Once children enters the picture, your work load will be monstrous compared to now and this problem will grow.  I'd try to nip it in the bud or prepare yourself.  
good luck

[RockRose]

joonzgirl,  if you're asking if this is "normal",  it seems like you're asking is this "common" to feel this way.  

Yes,  it's "common".  A lot of women go around seething that they are doing more than their husbands are.  And there are a lot of divorces,  a lot of resentment in the family structure.

I think it's really good that you are looking ahead and know you are going to be resentful.  This is your time to put the brakes on your future.

Reading through your post,  I feel you WILL be resentful that you have to take care of a baby and a house and work outside the home.  I'll go even further and say if you have to run the house and take care of the kids as a stay at home mom,  you'll be resentful of that too.  I think you'll be resentful of him that he works at work and not at home.

I'm going to tell you this,  that being newly married with no kids and taking care of the household for the two of you - cooking,  cleaning and working full time is NOTHING compared to motherhood.  It's nothing.    I think everyone on this board will say that - that before kids,  in the newlywed stage,  working full time and doing the dinner and laundry and household upkeep for the two of you is so little work that you have a LOT of free time.  More free time than you will ever have again,  for a very long time once the kids come.  

If you're already resentful of the time you have to put into the household chores,  I believe you should very seriously reconsider getting pregnant.    I don't say that in a mean way,  but really in a very respectful way.

You're one of those people who has the ability to be very self-aware,  and you've looked down the tracks and you've seen the train that is coming at you.    Unhappiness and resentment with your workload,  which will increase exponentially in ways you never thought even possible when you have a baby.

[barbraswitcandy]

1stly u need to stop comparing ur husband with ur friend's husbands...cos they are all differently made with different unique qualities..you need to tell ur husband the postive thing he does and thank him alot for those little thing he does for u...trust me he would want to do more even without u asking.....now the other part is u need to tell God the negative thing and ask him to change that aspect of ur husband...dnt u forget that its not ur job to change ur husband,its d job of God....
Also..u no wat the bible says abt seek 1st the kingdom of God and everything else will be added unto u....u worry abt d future..leave the future for the person that has created you..and appreciate wat he has given to u now(your husband)....am sure there are so many things ppl will see in ur husband and wish they had dat thing in their own husband....i suggest u keep luving ur husband and appreciating d little thing he does and think more abt his postive side n forget abt d negative....the more u think abt wat he hasnt done right,this and that..u will not only b stressing him but u will also stress urself...u no wat stress does to humans...so pls stop stressing urself...and enjoy ur married..after all God joined u guys together.
Please think abt all have written.

[ammanda]

Im not married legally, but I might as well be. I've been with my man for 2 years now, known him for 10 off and on for 9.  We have a 6 month old son together. and my lover does not do a darn thing around the house, no cleaning, no laundry nothing.. but he will cook for me if I ask him too, but the down side is if he cooks I have 10 times the mess to clean up after words.  

Are you working?

I'm not working at the moment, cause the doors to my bar closed. but i was working 36 hours a week, Boyfriend was working about the same if not less.  and I did about 3 loads of laundry every 2 days, Cooked, clean, vacuum, dishes everyday, sometimes twice a day, fed our son at every feeding, changed every diaper, i give him all his baths, get him dressed everyday, wake up with him every morning.

And now I'm not working, so I enjoy this things a lot more cause I'm bored now, lol.. but boyfriend is now working 40 hours plus cause I'm not working and he's supporting both of us.. but he still don't help.. he comes home from works goes back to our room, to watch tv or play video games till bed time.  

Your defiantly not alone..  I think its just a guy thing, don't be jealous of your friends husbands cause like you said, you have a wonderful man, who treats you right and takes care of you. I would treasure that.  Some men are just raised to think that the household is the woman's job...

Have you tried talking to him about this.

[iam1butterfly]

My take is that the household chores are peripheral issues.
And, in my opinion, you're experiencing anxieties that may have grown out of the perception that somehow you're doomed and stuck in a mundane life of marital domesticity. It's second guessing the whole marriage thing and worrying about the uncertainties of life. At various stages, I'm sure everyone goes through that. More often than not... it's a passing thing... a period of adjustment, sort to speak.

It's when those feelings fester and become Depression that you have to watch out for.
Do you, by any chance, have a history of Depression? You might and may not even be aware of it... not necessarily Depression in it's chronic, clinical sense... but possibly, Depression in a more situational, transitory context. I ask because that "fear" and sense of having to "suck it up" and "accept it " that you described, make me think that this all of is far deeper and more significant than laundry and dishwashing.