Aa
Emotional incest
I am in the exact same situation. I've been dating a man for 2 years. He and his 23 year old daughter act like husband and wife. What ever he does for me he has to do for her. She makes him feel guilty. She goes out with him and his freinds to bars , parties, social events. She has no freinds or boyfriend. She has probably gained 20-25 lbs since I've met her. He enables her to have no life of her own. She is living at home now and will be going to school for 2 more years while she lives at home. He blocked me from her face book so I can't See what they do together. Help!!!!
The girl needs to have someone help to educate her on her nutritional health. She may need driving lessons. Maybe she could be directed into a church group. But whatever the case, the father has to be onboard with the idea that there should be a healthy amount of action to motivate this girl to try new things with new people. If you are not able to get him to see this (as i have mine) then I would most definitely move on, because i would not want to be connected with enabling a child not to live her best life.
I'm sorry that you're going through this, I truly know how frustrating it is to deal with a man that babies and enables his baby girl. I'm just glad that my husband finally got on board and listened to me and pushed his daughter into college. It IS GREAT NEWS THAT THIS GIRL IS IN COLLEGE. i think there may be hope for her yet. to become independent. Remember , a child's brain does not stop growing until their late 20's and early 30's. If you don't have kids of your own, you just may not be familiar with the reality that parents commit to their kids at least until their brains stop growing. and take into consideration individual personalities and needs.
Do you have kids.? or do you want kids.?
I'm sorry that you're going through this, I truly know how frustrating it is to deal with a man that babies and enables his baby girl. I'm just glad that my husband finally got on board and listened to me and pushed his daughter into college. It IS GREAT NEWS THAT THIS GIRL IS IN COLLEGE. i think there may be hope for her yet. to become independent. Remember , a child's brain does not stop growing until their late 20's and early 30's. If you don't have kids of your own, you just may not be familiar with the reality that parents commit to their kids at least until their brains stop growing. and take into consideration individual personalities and needs.
Do you have kids.? or do you want kids.?
She goes out with him and his freinds to bars , parties, social events.
This also is a lifestyle choice that happens in a lot of families. If you think of the days when families were raised on the farm. They grew up working the farm with the family and became a partner in the family business, and yes, plenty of parties and events that included the whole family. The kids are raised to be the adult children of the matriarch and patriarch. And when the time comes that the parents are get old and need to be cared for, it's more likely that the above type situation would include having the adult children help their parents in their golden years. The grandparent can help to raise the grandchildren. A real family affair.
I don't find that odd. Different strokes for different folks.
This also is a lifestyle choice that happens in a lot of families. If you think of the days when families were raised on the farm. They grew up working the farm with the family and became a partner in the family business, and yes, plenty of parties and events that included the whole family. The kids are raised to be the adult children of the matriarch and patriarch. And when the time comes that the parents are get old and need to be cared for, it's more likely that the above type situation would include having the adult children help their parents in their golden years. The grandparent can help to raise the grandchildren. A real family affair.
I don't find that odd. Different strokes for different folks.
What ever he does for me he has to do for her.
This gave me a bit of a chuckle, my husband laughs at me because whenever i find something that i love , i have to buy a set for my son and his wife and his daughter. Kind of like Oprah's Favourite Things. lol
But seriously, i first look after the kids needs and treats and holidays before my own or my husbands. They're 28 ish and just getting started. Both of our kids lost a biological parent , my son was 8 and my step daughter was 19. So yeah, parents will deal with the individual personalities of their kids. While my son is on his own with a girlfriend and has been since he was 19, and needs less time with us, my step daughter has no friends , is living at home, and will be for another 3 years while in college. It took my personality to get her out the door to college, had it been left to my husband or to her, it simply would not have happened.
I constantly have to push both of them to get out and have her drive so that one day she can get around without being driven. Otherwise, it would not be happening. I don't know why. My husband is a sweet sweet man that does not push people even when he should. He's an enabler. I had a choice, to take up where he leaves off with his step daughter., or leave the situation.
I had faith, that if i could get my step daughter to college and to get her a drivers license, that somehow someway, she'll find her way to her own life. And, if it doesn't happen it looks like we have a permanent house guest. Simple as that. I can say that because i set up the house so that we have separate units. So her being here is convenient for her dad and her to continue bonding (as much as it takes) and convenient for me, in that i still have autonomy in our households.
It took my having our basement renovated, and my husband and myself have a pretty cool bachelor pad in the basement. It's cool because it's open concept so we both have our areas but can still see each other and spend all of our time together (retired) rather than separately in different rooms (as was the case on the top floor). So the law of unintended consequences for us had a positive outcome, in that we have gotten closer since the need arose for two separate units in the house.
It seems that these two might need the help of a women. If that doesn't sound like something you want to do, if it's not for you, and as you've heard from the other ladies, looking at this solely as a red flag would be the choice of many, then wish them luck and set out to find a man whose raised a kid to be independent. Someone that doesn't need you to step in and help make it happen.
This gave me a bit of a chuckle, my husband laughs at me because whenever i find something that i love , i have to buy a set for my son and his wife and his daughter. Kind of like Oprah's Favourite Things. lol
But seriously, i first look after the kids needs and treats and holidays before my own or my husbands. They're 28 ish and just getting started. Both of our kids lost a biological parent , my son was 8 and my step daughter was 19. So yeah, parents will deal with the individual personalities of their kids. While my son is on his own with a girlfriend and has been since he was 19, and needs less time with us, my step daughter has no friends , is living at home, and will be for another 3 years while in college. It took my personality to get her out the door to college, had it been left to my husband or to her, it simply would not have happened.
I constantly have to push both of them to get out and have her drive so that one day she can get around without being driven. Otherwise, it would not be happening. I don't know why. My husband is a sweet sweet man that does not push people even when he should. He's an enabler. I had a choice, to take up where he leaves off with his step daughter., or leave the situation.
I had faith, that if i could get my step daughter to college and to get her a drivers license, that somehow someway, she'll find her way to her own life. And, if it doesn't happen it looks like we have a permanent house guest. Simple as that. I can say that because i set up the house so that we have separate units. So her being here is convenient for her dad and her to continue bonding (as much as it takes) and convenient for me, in that i still have autonomy in our households.
It took my having our basement renovated, and my husband and myself have a pretty cool bachelor pad in the basement. It's cool because it's open concept so we both have our areas but can still see each other and spend all of our time together (retired) rather than separately in different rooms (as was the case on the top floor). So the law of unintended consequences for us had a positive outcome, in that we have gotten closer since the need arose for two separate units in the house.
It seems that these two might need the help of a women. If that doesn't sound like something you want to do, if it's not for you, and as you've heard from the other ladies, looking at this solely as a red flag would be the choice of many, then wish them luck and set out to find a man whose raised a kid to be independent. Someone that doesn't need you to step in and help make it happen.
I can understand the fact that her mother might not be around and he has been her only parent so they are really close. Nothing is wrong with that and girls are generally quite close with their fathers. The weight gain might have a lot to do with her decision to not date and some people do not get on well with others such as friends. I get the feeling that this has been the situation between them for awhile and the "husband and wife" behavior is simply due to the fact that this has been the arrangement since childhood.
However, it is a little odd to me to be honest. I do believe people ought to be close with their parents but there should also be boundaries. Also, I am tempted to think that some of her anti-social behavior can be stemming from a larger issue. Is there anything that has happened to suggest that there might be more? I think you have not really outlined everything. Also, it might be a tad bit of jealousy on your part seeing him take her out probably more than he takes you out and doing what he does for you for her so you probably do not feel so special.
The puzzling part for me is the Facebook blocking. Why would they do that? Is it that you have been acting out against them? I agree with Londres, deal breaker. It clearly isn't something you are okay with but in this scenario you are the stranger. You are the one who entered their lives and unfortunately for you, this is the situation. You have to decide if you are willing to put up with more years of this or call it quits.
Take care and good luck,
Anna.
However, it is a little odd to me to be honest. I do believe people ought to be close with their parents but there should also be boundaries. Also, I am tempted to think that some of her anti-social behavior can be stemming from a larger issue. Is there anything that has happened to suggest that there might be more? I think you have not really outlined everything. Also, it might be a tad bit of jealousy on your part seeing him take her out probably more than he takes you out and doing what he does for you for her so you probably do not feel so special.
The puzzling part for me is the Facebook blocking. Why would they do that? Is it that you have been acting out against them? I agree with Londres, deal breaker. It clearly isn't something you are okay with but in this scenario you are the stranger. You are the one who entered their lives and unfortunately for you, this is the situation. You have to decide if you are willing to put up with more years of this or call it quits.
Take care and good luck,
Anna.
Is the mother in the picture at all? Maybe his daughter is extra clingy because her father is the only parent involved with her? Maybe he feels overly obligated to be there for his daughter right now? You did say she has no friends and has gained a ton of weight which would indicate to me she is struggling with issues and dad probably feels he should be there for her.
If you are suspicious of emotional incest then why not leave the relationship? Sounds like a deal breaker in my opinion.
There is no way to deal or change these situations except leave and I recommend you do that.
"He enables her to have no life of her own"...............That's pretty much a reg flag things aren't going to change.
If you are suspicious of emotional incest then why not leave the relationship? Sounds like a deal breaker in my opinion.
There is no way to deal or change these situations except leave and I recommend you do that.
"He enables her to have no life of her own"...............That's pretty much a reg flag things aren't going to change.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Welcome to the forum.
You know, this is a pattern I've seen more frequently thank I'd have imagined. I think that this occurs when the mom and dad aren't together and dad has visitation and they just start hanging out. They do sound close. For some that might seem strange but if you think of it as his kid, it's less so in my opinion.
But, I wouldn't want to date him! I personally wouldn't waste your time. He's a dad who enjoys his kid and sees her as a kid and who knows how long it will go on. I'd find a guy without a situation like this making him hard to date. good luck
You know, this is a pattern I've seen more frequently thank I'd have imagined. I think that this occurs when the mom and dad aren't together and dad has visitation and they just start hanging out. They do sound close. For some that might seem strange but if you think of it as his kid, it's less so in my opinion.
But, I wouldn't want to date him! I personally wouldn't waste your time. He's a dad who enjoys his kid and sees her as a kid and who knows how long it will go on. I'd find a guy without a situation like this making him hard to date. good luck
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
