Aa
What a MESS!
Hey Everyone,
After a bit of a turbulent year, I find myself seeking advice from strangers to help get a point of view from people who are neither emotionally involved nor biased. Please answer honestly but respectfully.
My ex and I broke up on in Feb of this year, we had been together for about two years and had lived together for about 8 months. The break up was his decision and I was devastated as we had been looking to purchase a house and had selected an engagement ring. I signed a lease the day after we broke up and moved out within the week. In March, I stupidly signed on to a dating site hoping mostly to assure myself that there were other people out there who I could connect with and that the type of connection I felt towards my ex was possible with other people. One of the first people who contacted me ended up being someone with whom I share multiple interests and who's personality was nothing short of amazing. After about a month of talking with him casually and talking to other men we met up and I was instantly taken by him. After a couple of weeks of feeling each other out, my ex contacted me and wanted to meet up. I did and after a couple of conversations with him we decided to try again. I was cruel and stopped contacting the man I had been seeing in hopes that it would give my ex and I a fighting chance. After a couple of months, my ex and I came to the conclusion together that while we had a great chemistry together, it couldn't work seeing as we butt heads too much and his reactions were way too intense for my comfort. A couple of weeks after that, the other man and I started hanging out again on a platonic level but it didn't take long for it to become comfortable and intimate. I stayed in contact with my ex and we would see each other but in a platonic way but it was clear that we still relied on each other a little too much. That was also clear to the man I had been seeing. My ex went through some huge family issues including his sister being hospitalized for attempted suicide as well as his father having a major stroke and I felt I needed to be there for him, at the expense of my relationship with my new partner. I ended up watching his dog while he was out of town visiting his father and that was the last straw for the man I had been dating. We got into a messy argument that ended with neither of us contacting the other. He showed up at my place a few days later with flowers and saw my ex's car and obviously got very upset. That was about two months ago. When my ex returned from seeing his father we would walk our dogs together or maybe grab a bite to eat until one day I stumbled onto an article called "Marriage isn't for you". I do suggest everyone reads it btw ;)
After reading that article I felt as though I had been hit by a truck. I immediately thought of the man I had been seeing who is so calm and rational, patient and kind and who's morals and values matched mine so well. I felt sick and disgusted and spent a couple of days in a very bad place. I told my ex that we needed to stop seeing each other and that it wasn't beneficial to either of us as it kept us in limbo which wasn't healthy. After a couple of weeks I contacted the man I had been seeing and we met back up a few days later. The two weeks following that were bliss for me. I had hurt him and made him insecure and while he seemed hesitant and a bit withdrawn, I felt that with time he would be ready to offer what he had initially been able to. Two weeks after we started seeing each other again, my ex had started contacting me about things of mine that he found at his place and he wanted to drop them off. I responded very bluntly that indeed I would need them back but didn't make any plans to meet up with him. One night the man I was dating asked if I was still in contact with him and I replied honestly by telling him that my ex still had some of my belongings and was sending me pictures of what he had. He suggested I close the door firmly with him if I wanted to have a chance of moving forward. The next day (last Wednesday) I asked my ex to drop off the remainder of my things. I told the man I was seeing that he would be dropping by and he asked if I was going to tell my ex about him. I said no, because I found it distasteful and didn't want to stir the pot. He felt that if I didn't want to tell him, I wanted to keep the door open with him. What followed was a six hour text war and finally, I gave in and sent a text to my ex telling him that any contact with him was interfering with my new relationship and I sent a screenshot on my phone to him. It fell on deaf ears and I ended up getting the third degree because of the times I had left him for my ex (or at least seemingly so).
So that all bring us to now. I have spent the past almost week trying to comfort the man I had been seeing but all with no avail. He says he needs space and time and I have no idea how to handle it.
What I know is that a huge reason for going back with my ex was the idea of being able to start a life and a family, I am 27 and since my sister had my nephew have found myself stressed about my own life moving forward. When I saw a hint of that being a possibility instead of starting over new, it seemed appealing…. Right up until I put things into perspective and realized that my ex would make a terrible father.
I know that I dragged this man through the dirt and that I made him insecure and I hurt him by being all over the place but I also know that NOW I am ready for something real with him. I also know that while he was apprehensive, he was willing to let me in and the fact that I wouldn’t tell my ex about him made him hightail out of there (my ex has an impressive temper and I didn’t feel like giving him a reason to feel vengeful towards me) which I have explained to the man I was seeing.
He has let me know he’s confused and in need of time which I would happily give him if he was more forward about whether this time was to move on with me, or without me.
His previous biggest issues towards me were that I was too independent and emotionally detached. When we started seeing each other again I allowed myself to be more vulnerable which turned out to be exactly what I needed. Being vulnerable went from being something that made me uncomfortable to something that made me very happy. I liked and enjoyed that he played a big part in how I felt.
This is incredibly long so I’ll end it now. I guess I want to know if I should keep trying to show him that I’m there is he wants to work things out of if I should back off and wait for him to contact me. He has said that one of the things he liked about me was how much I fought for a relationship (talking about the one with my ex) which makes me feel like I should keep trying with him… but it’s difficult with little feedback.
After a bit of a turbulent year, I find myself seeking advice from strangers to help get a point of view from people who are neither emotionally involved nor biased. Please answer honestly but respectfully.
My ex and I broke up on in Feb of this year, we had been together for about two years and had lived together for about 8 months. The break up was his decision and I was devastated as we had been looking to purchase a house and had selected an engagement ring. I signed a lease the day after we broke up and moved out within the week. In March, I stupidly signed on to a dating site hoping mostly to assure myself that there were other people out there who I could connect with and that the type of connection I felt towards my ex was possible with other people. One of the first people who contacted me ended up being someone with whom I share multiple interests and who's personality was nothing short of amazing. After about a month of talking with him casually and talking to other men we met up and I was instantly taken by him. After a couple of weeks of feeling each other out, my ex contacted me and wanted to meet up. I did and after a couple of conversations with him we decided to try again. I was cruel and stopped contacting the man I had been seeing in hopes that it would give my ex and I a fighting chance. After a couple of months, my ex and I came to the conclusion together that while we had a great chemistry together, it couldn't work seeing as we butt heads too much and his reactions were way too intense for my comfort. A couple of weeks after that, the other man and I started hanging out again on a platonic level but it didn't take long for it to become comfortable and intimate. I stayed in contact with my ex and we would see each other but in a platonic way but it was clear that we still relied on each other a little too much. That was also clear to the man I had been seeing. My ex went through some huge family issues including his sister being hospitalized for attempted suicide as well as his father having a major stroke and I felt I needed to be there for him, at the expense of my relationship with my new partner. I ended up watching his dog while he was out of town visiting his father and that was the last straw for the man I had been dating. We got into a messy argument that ended with neither of us contacting the other. He showed up at my place a few days later with flowers and saw my ex's car and obviously got very upset. That was about two months ago. When my ex returned from seeing his father we would walk our dogs together or maybe grab a bite to eat until one day I stumbled onto an article called "Marriage isn't for you". I do suggest everyone reads it btw ;)
After reading that article I felt as though I had been hit by a truck. I immediately thought of the man I had been seeing who is so calm and rational, patient and kind and who's morals and values matched mine so well. I felt sick and disgusted and spent a couple of days in a very bad place. I told my ex that we needed to stop seeing each other and that it wasn't beneficial to either of us as it kept us in limbo which wasn't healthy. After a couple of weeks I contacted the man I had been seeing and we met back up a few days later. The two weeks following that were bliss for me. I had hurt him and made him insecure and while he seemed hesitant and a bit withdrawn, I felt that with time he would be ready to offer what he had initially been able to. Two weeks after we started seeing each other again, my ex had started contacting me about things of mine that he found at his place and he wanted to drop them off. I responded very bluntly that indeed I would need them back but didn't make any plans to meet up with him. One night the man I was dating asked if I was still in contact with him and I replied honestly by telling him that my ex still had some of my belongings and was sending me pictures of what he had. He suggested I close the door firmly with him if I wanted to have a chance of moving forward. The next day (last Wednesday) I asked my ex to drop off the remainder of my things. I told the man I was seeing that he would be dropping by and he asked if I was going to tell my ex about him. I said no, because I found it distasteful and didn't want to stir the pot. He felt that if I didn't want to tell him, I wanted to keep the door open with him. What followed was a six hour text war and finally, I gave in and sent a text to my ex telling him that any contact with him was interfering with my new relationship and I sent a screenshot on my phone to him. It fell on deaf ears and I ended up getting the third degree because of the times I had left him for my ex (or at least seemingly so).
So that all bring us to now. I have spent the past almost week trying to comfort the man I had been seeing but all with no avail. He says he needs space and time and I have no idea how to handle it.
What I know is that a huge reason for going back with my ex was the idea of being able to start a life and a family, I am 27 and since my sister had my nephew have found myself stressed about my own life moving forward. When I saw a hint of that being a possibility instead of starting over new, it seemed appealing…. Right up until I put things into perspective and realized that my ex would make a terrible father.
I know that I dragged this man through the dirt and that I made him insecure and I hurt him by being all over the place but I also know that NOW I am ready for something real with him. I also know that while he was apprehensive, he was willing to let me in and the fact that I wouldn’t tell my ex about him made him hightail out of there (my ex has an impressive temper and I didn’t feel like giving him a reason to feel vengeful towards me) which I have explained to the man I was seeing.
He has let me know he’s confused and in need of time which I would happily give him if he was more forward about whether this time was to move on with me, or without me.
His previous biggest issues towards me were that I was too independent and emotionally detached. When we started seeing each other again I allowed myself to be more vulnerable which turned out to be exactly what I needed. Being vulnerable went from being something that made me uncomfortable to something that made me very happy. I liked and enjoyed that he played a big part in how I felt.
This is incredibly long so I’ll end it now. I guess I want to know if I should keep trying to show him that I’m there is he wants to work things out of if I should back off and wait for him to contact me. He has said that one of the things he liked about me was how much I fought for a relationship (talking about the one with my ex) which makes me feel like I should keep trying with him… but it’s difficult with little feedback.
COMMUNITY LEADER
My take on this is that you should not have started dating ANYONE after the break up. You waited so little time that you never healed from the break up. You were using a dating site to placate hurt and not to be fully available and open to meeting a man. You were not ready. You were not emotionally available. and most likely you still aren't. You are being rejected because of your own being in limbo with where you are at in life. You were not done with or over the man you were in love with. Even if you agreed you two couldn't be together, you still had ties and emotions attached to him.
You can't be fully available to another man when in that state and the new guy WISELY sees this. It is his best interest to move on.
Because you have not been alone to do the soul searching one MUST do in order to make good choices in dating after a long term relationship ends.
I wouldn't try to convince him that you and he are right for each other and you are IN it because from what you've written . .. even an outsider can see that isn't totally true. You are afraid of being alone.
And let me just say that I did the same thing you did. I had a person that I was in love with . Oh, love love love. And it never would have worked. So we broke up an pretty much right away I met another man that really really liked me. We were a terrific match. I dated him a bit but still thought about the old relationship. I messed things up with him. He moved on. rightly so. And I thought . . . if only I had met him LATER. Because then we'd have known what it was really like to date each other. But we didn't. He was my rebound guy. And this guy is YOUR rebound guy. And that means it isn't a good situation for HIM or probably you.
so, give him some space and take some space yourself to be a woman that doesn't have to have a man in her life at all times. good luck
You can't be fully available to another man when in that state and the new guy WISELY sees this. It is his best interest to move on.
Because you have not been alone to do the soul searching one MUST do in order to make good choices in dating after a long term relationship ends.
I wouldn't try to convince him that you and he are right for each other and you are IN it because from what you've written . .. even an outsider can see that isn't totally true. You are afraid of being alone.
And let me just say that I did the same thing you did. I had a person that I was in love with . Oh, love love love. And it never would have worked. So we broke up an pretty much right away I met another man that really really liked me. We were a terrific match. I dated him a bit but still thought about the old relationship. I messed things up with him. He moved on. rightly so. And I thought . . . if only I had met him LATER. Because then we'd have known what it was really like to date each other. But we didn't. He was my rebound guy. And this guy is YOUR rebound guy. And that means it isn't a good situation for HIM or probably you.
so, give him some space and take some space yourself to be a woman that doesn't have to have a man in her life at all times. good luck
He's understandably leery of trying again with you because you've shown him over and over again that you'd keep going back to your ex as soon as he called. If you put yourself in his position and try to see how that must have felt for him, you can probably see how he would have doubts about whether it would be too hard to try again only to be put in second place again. Maybe it would be best to just send him one last message telling him that you're really sorry for jerking him around so much and that you totally understand why he has these reservations about trying again. But also that now you've realized once and for all that your ex is bad news and will never be a part of your life again. And that if he ever changes his mind that you'd be happy to see him again.
In the meantime, definitely do not ever speak to your ex again because that door is padlocked shut and you've thrown away the key. And take this time on your own to be on your own so you can work on you and realize what exactly you want out of a relationship. I wouldn't be in any hurry to date again cause you need to work on you right now. If the other guy calls then hang out but if he doesn't then just live your life and spend time with your friends and family for a while before you go looking for a new boyfriend.
In the meantime, definitely do not ever speak to your ex again because that door is padlocked shut and you've thrown away the key. And take this time on your own to be on your own so you can work on you and realize what exactly you want out of a relationship. I wouldn't be in any hurry to date again cause you need to work on you right now. If the other guy calls then hang out but if he doesn't then just live your life and spend time with your friends and family for a while before you go looking for a new boyfriend.
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